Seems you have one similar to mine, although mine didn't threaten in that way there's no rhyme or reason to anything. You cannot reason with the unreasonable, basically.
It's all mind games all of it, it's to keep you hooked and what you may find is as soon as you stand up for yourself the worse it gets and when that control starts to slip, all the filters are gone all the crazy and venom starts to rear it's head.
Believe me you do not want to be friends with someone like this, no matter how hard you facilitate that it will end badly. Mine actually got to a point I got very sick from it all and in the end I got discarded in the most cruel way but they wanted to stay friends. Only, they weren't treating me like a human being, absolute hatred but I had to dance to their tune in order to stay in favour.
The moment I stood up for myself and said enough is enough I'm not doing this fake happy friends story, while you're treating me this way because it's confusing the children, I will see them on my own...she took everything, the house, money and our children and is now withholding and smearing my name too.
These people are not like everyone else, they are void inside and lack empathy that's why they go to the lengths and say things others wouldn't.
If he's been threatening violence, I would suggest you seek support because that is not okay.
Do not doubt yourself, that is the intention that how it works. Other people will not understand unless they have lived it. Remember, everyone else gets the nice act but they don't see the other side that's just for you.