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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Contact with children when they’re with co-parent?

34 replies

Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 09:10

Hi everyone. I separated from my husband in March (he was unfaithful) and he moved out in April. We share contact of our kids 50/50 (we have two girls aged 3 and 6). We had an informal agreement this whole time to have a goodnight FaceTime at 7pm when the kids are with the other parent. This agreement was made more official in our first mediation session last month. Last week, I FaceTimed the kids the night before they came home to me. Immediately afterwards, I received a text from my ex essentially saying that was the last time I’d be getting a call from them at his home, and he wouldn’t reply if I had anything to say about it.
I’m just wondering if other people have contact with their kids when they are with the co-parent? Or is it normal to not speak to them at all. They’ve been away from me for 72 hours now with no contact. They’re so young and my little 3 year old has a disability and additional needs, and is very attached to me. I’m going to bring this up in our forthcoming mediation session, but I’m concerned that perhaps it’s normal to have no contact and therefore I’ll have no luck getting the calls reinstated.

thank you

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 31/07/2023 09:11

I'd say normal to have no contact yes.

yogasaurus · 31/07/2023 09:13

It was always quite disruptive/upsetting for DSC to have contact with other parent when they were with us, and vice versa. It petered out quite quickly.

Ilovethewild · 31/07/2023 09:16

What’s best for the children?
if they want to say goodnight to you or ask to speak to you, that should be what happens
but if it is unsettling for them or it makes it harder for them then it shouldn’t happen.
can they take a photo of you? Or teddy that talks? Attachment toy (you and they have something?)

most kids manage fine without anything additional
is this about you or the kids?

JJJSchmidt · 31/07/2023 09:17

I think one call part way through the contact would be more balanced, and definitely not before bedtime as this can result in upset children who are hard to get to bed. What contact does he want while they are with you and are you happy to match that?

millymollymoomoo · 31/07/2023 09:20

Well I’d say it’s not not normal - young children are very much a in the moment, out of sight out of mind. Actually having contact can be disruptive to the child rather than supportive or helpful.
of course, if they are saying, can we ring mum then he should allow it ( within reason) but to face forced set times every day, I’d say no. Also young children can find calls difficult - ie not sure what to say.

what contact pattern is it? If weekly could you look to do sat 3/4 days at a time at this age?

LividHot · 31/07/2023 09:21

I find this difficult.

I ask xh for a photo sometimes, and usually he sends one unbidden. It’s enough to see dc is happy and stop me missing him so much.

Less intrusive on the other person than a call, I guess.

SD1978 · 31/07/2023 09:23

If he feels that they are more disruptive by having the contact, then there may be an argument it to- is it week on and week off? If so I'd try to have it in mediation that they can contact you (ir him) if they ask to, but a mid week call both ways at least. This also means you do not need to facilitate currebtly any contact in your time.

Soooomaninamechanges · 31/07/2023 09:24

I text them via his phone just to say hello. He doesn't do it when they are with me though, which I think is weird?! How can he go 12 days without saying hello?

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 09:44

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It seems like no contact is fairly normal, so I won’t fight this one as the ex is becoming increasingly angry and difficult to deal with and I need to pick my battles. I have no way of knowing how kids have handled the lack of contact as this is the first time we’ve gone without. They’ve never been upset/disrupted by the calls as I wouldn’t have continued them if that was the case. I will tell them that they can ask to call me whenever if they want to if they feel the need (although I very much doubt he’ll allow them to). Thanks again 😀really helpful to know other peoples experiences as this is obviously new territory for me, and I have no friends who are separated with kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 09:46

Soooomaninamechanges · 31/07/2023 09:24

I text them via his phone just to say hello. He doesn't do it when they are with me though, which I think is weird?! How can he go 12 days without saying hello?

It’s so sad isn't it? I think a big part of him wanting to stop the calls is because he feels inconvenienced by them as he wants to be out doing whatever with whoever. I definitely get the sense he doesn’t miss them when they are with me. 12 days is such a long time!

OP posts:
VincentofJazz · 31/07/2023 09:56

A friend has similar aged children and had this exact issue during the separation. They now send a video to the ex partner to say hi etc and (if the children want to) they send a little video to the parent they aren’t with rather than a set call at a set time. That way it can be shared at a convenient time to whoever has care of the children. If the children don’t want to send a video the ex partner just send a few photos. It works well so might be a good solution?

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 09:57

VincentofJazz · 31/07/2023 09:56

A friend has similar aged children and had this exact issue during the separation. They now send a video to the ex partner to say hi etc and (if the children want to) they send a little video to the parent they aren’t with rather than a set call at a set time. That way it can be shared at a convenient time to whoever has care of the children. If the children don’t want to send a video the ex partner just send a few photos. It works well so might be a good solution?

That’s a nice solution, thank you. I might float the idea in our next mediation session

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2023 09:58

Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 09:46

It’s so sad isn't it? I think a big part of him wanting to stop the calls is because he feels inconvenienced by them as he wants to be out doing whatever with whoever. I definitely get the sense he doesn’t miss them when they are with me. 12 days is such a long time!

Show quote history

It seems a really long time for a 3 yo to be told she's not allowed to talk to Mommy or Daddy so altho you can't enforce it, od ask for an agreement that there will be reasonable contact if the child asks.
But long term it does but an expectation on both of you to always be at home or somewhere you can easily leave every night. No gig with your mates. No early dinner reservations. No holiday where there might not be great reception. No spontaneous sex with a hot guy on a weekend away because you HAVE to be free to talk at 7.

The issue he's being a dick about it. He could have said "look it feel stifling/ they get upset / it's an imposition, so how about we do X" rather than his actual response

Nottodaythx · 31/07/2023 22:18

I would more text to see how they had been altho at my age it was only one night at a time.

i had to make the decision not to call on holidays as DD wouldn’t miss me as much if I didn’t. She’s older now so calls / texts me when always

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 31/07/2023 23:23

Yes very true, the real issue is he feels like he can just dictate this change without any discussion. But that’s how he is 🙄

OP posts:
Indigotree · 31/07/2023 23:33

I call my DC every night to say goodnight when he's with his dad. However, his dad and I are on good enough terms for it to be straightforward.

As a child, I was upset not having contact with my mum when we were with my dad (parents on very bad terms). I think it should be up to the children and not having any contact is odd. It makes it quite a big Thing, not being able to speak to the other parent because your parents don't get on.

sofasofa42 · 31/07/2023 23:50

I know this isn't the same completely , but I do understand as my best friend had this problem.
Me and my husband travel for work often. Children are fine when he is away and can cope, but if I am away it causes such upset when I ring. So, if there is time to do it in the morning when they are at their best - 7pm calls just made bedtime so hard for my husband. Also I asked for - what he calls! Proof of life photos (!) . Just a shot of them in bed so I know they are safe. So a call in the morning and a photo at night. Is that a suggestion you could make? Usually when eating cereal there is a call.
Tbh- 3 is so little to be away from you ! I am a step parent and when my SD was younger 9+ when I met her, I knew her mum was in agony away from her ( hate the bones of the woman) but we made sure there was always access to mummy by phone, I am thankful that it wasn't at an allotted time and I can't remember any pressure on us. I think an activity had been done etc and me or my husband would say do you want to call mummy now and tell her what you did? Honestly my husband and his ex relationship was beyond hostile- but this was just about respect to this little girls needs. We never felt this communication needed fighting .
Your ex needs to understand the call is for them not you.
For this to work you both need to acknowledge separation anxiety and also for peace to be maintained in the house. Mummy definitely needs a call a day and daddy definitely needs a non crying/ distressed evening .

MaxwellCat · 01/08/2023 00:31

I would say it’s normal. If this was the father wanting to call every night trust me the answers would be saying he was controlling (I’ve seen the threads)

SadButStillTrue · 01/08/2023 00:39

I think it's heartbreaking that you and your three year old are parted and forbidden contact.

But I see I'm in the minority here. It just seems unnatural and painful. I'm dead against it if the child wants it. Which, let's face it, it's Mum. What 3 year old isn't going to want contact with Mum?

NewNameNigel · 01/08/2023 01:18

I don't know what's "normal" but when dsds were little they would sometimes wanted to call their mum when they were with us and it would never have occurred to us to stop them. There was never a regular pattern or agreed time though we just let the kids call when they wanted.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/08/2023 01:33

I would ask if it makes bed time more difficult and would another time be better.
I guess as you said tell the kids you are happy for them to call at any time. If he says no then he will look mean so hopefully he lets them sometimes.

Does he still want the kids to call him?

Ihatepickingausername3 · 01/08/2023 02:37

I’m sorry. My children have iPads and they can feel free to contact us whenever they want. We are both on the same page about that though… and we don’t let them play us off against each other.

Aintnosupermum · 01/08/2023 02:55

Are the children asking to speak to you?

My children are 12, 10 and 7. The week on, week off is not a schedule which is best for the children. I am the primary parent in every sense and I’ve put everyone in family therapy, which is just dearly beloved and myself right now, to figure out what the impact to the children is and how to minimize it.

I am doing everything possible to avoid court. Judges don’t want to hear it and by the time I pay a lawyer to hammer home a result, I might as well try the therapist as it’s a fraction of the cost. The therapist is actually quite good and they deal with this all the time, whereas this coparenting thing is new to both of us.

I question the custody schedule. Wouldn't every other weekend make more sense at this point given the age of the youngest?

Reugny · 01/08/2023 13:02

Aintnosupermum · 01/08/2023 02:55

Are the children asking to speak to you?

My children are 12, 10 and 7. The week on, week off is not a schedule which is best for the children. I am the primary parent in every sense and I’ve put everyone in family therapy, which is just dearly beloved and myself right now, to figure out what the impact to the children is and how to minimize it.

I am doing everything possible to avoid court. Judges don’t want to hear it and by the time I pay a lawyer to hammer home a result, I might as well try the therapist as it’s a fraction of the cost. The therapist is actually quite good and they deal with this all the time, whereas this coparenting thing is new to both of us.

I question the custody schedule. Wouldn't every other weekend make more sense at this point given the age of the youngest?

While I agree a therapist is better money spent than a solicitor and court, you are making the mistake of presuming every couples parenting situation is like yours so when they separate the mother is the primary parent.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 01/08/2023 13:48

sofasofa42 · 31/07/2023 23:50

I know this isn't the same completely , but I do understand as my best friend had this problem.
Me and my husband travel for work often. Children are fine when he is away and can cope, but if I am away it causes such upset when I ring. So, if there is time to do it in the morning when they are at their best - 7pm calls just made bedtime so hard for my husband. Also I asked for - what he calls! Proof of life photos (!) . Just a shot of them in bed so I know they are safe. So a call in the morning and a photo at night. Is that a suggestion you could make? Usually when eating cereal there is a call.
Tbh- 3 is so little to be away from you ! I am a step parent and when my SD was younger 9+ when I met her, I knew her mum was in agony away from her ( hate the bones of the woman) but we made sure there was always access to mummy by phone, I am thankful that it wasn't at an allotted time and I can't remember any pressure on us. I think an activity had been done etc and me or my husband would say do you want to call mummy now and tell her what you did? Honestly my husband and his ex relationship was beyond hostile- but this was just about respect to this little girls needs. We never felt this communication needed fighting .
Your ex needs to understand the call is for them not you.
For this to work you both need to acknowledge separation anxiety and also for peace to be maintained in the house. Mummy definitely needs a call a day and daddy definitely needs a non crying/ distressed evening .

🤣”proof of life photo”🤣🤣🤣🤣