How can I afford to afford to separate - at breaking point

[dontknowwhere]

My marriage with DH has not been great for the last few years. We have 2 young DC. Ultimately we are not right for each other and I think I have always known this before we got married. We are completely incompatible and when we have disagreements (which can be monthly) the arguments escalate out of control. DH can be verbally abusive and loses his temper to the point of breaking things, raising his voice and threatening towards me. He has no respect for me and puts me at fault for all the issues in our relationship. My mental health has really suffered at times because of this.

If I could I would leave DH in a heartbeat, but I worry hugely for the DC. I worry about the affordability, financial impact and quality of life they will have. Youngest DC is in nursery and eldest with wraparound care for school/allowance for holiday clubs which cost over £1,500 a month. I just don’t know how I could even afford to be a single parent covering mortgage, bills, childcare let alone things like clothes, birthdays and the occasional activity for the kids.

Do I stay in this marriage for the kids so they can have a normal ish upbringing? I’m not interested in the idea of meeting someone else in the future I just want what is best for the kids.

I feel so sad and trapped and immensely guilty for the children. I have no one to talk to in RL about this.

does your DH want 50:50 child residency? Is that possible.? Remember that your cms will reduce for more time he has and that’s not a reason to prevent it.

hiw much equity ( and other assets) are there? It doesn’t sound from what you say that you can really afford to stay in the fmh tbh

Do you know how much equity is in the house, how much you could have in cash if you sold? That will help in planning what you could do next.

Also, use this calculator to work out how much support you can get. www.entitledto.co.uk

Input as thought you were a single parent, you get 85% of your childcare back and the threshold is quite high.

I know it's hard but the other commenters have the right idea. Leaving sooner is better than later. You will be happier, your kids will be happier being raised in a better environment. You don't deserve to be treated the way you are. It's 100% possible to get through it and you can. Use this space on mumsnet to stay connected with others going through the same thing. Use divorce groups on facebook - they really made me feel less alone and have good answers to questions on there. Use all the free resources available to you too. One I used was - iamlip.com - its a bunch of free help guides to take you through the divorce. There are options. Please do consider not staying with someone who doesn't treat you right. If it ends up going to court, you can always use this resource (iamlip.com) linked here with solicitor if you need a solicitor to help lower costs by doing stuff e.g. forms by yourself.

If it goes to court and you still need to sort out who is living where, I think this one might help - https://iamlip.com/form-fl401/ I got it from this one which explains what an occupation order is - https://iamlip.com/financial-terms-financial-court-orders-explained/. Hope you can get some relief from this xx

How are things now?

Dh will not entertain any conversation of a divorce right now. i know he wants me and the kids to stay in the home and is building his saving pot to eventually buy somewhere himself (he will not rent as he sees that as him coming out worse off). I can only think a mesher order is the only way? Does anyone have any good advice on this?
Re benefits I would only be entitled to child benefits if we split.

I’m terrified of supporting my kids for the next 18+ years on my own. My confidence has really taken a hit and after two maternity leaves I’ve never got back to where I was career wise pre kids.

I feel so lonely and trapped as we only speak on a very functional level now at an absolute minimum. I only have one friend who i have confided in in real life. I feel so guilty for putting the kids into this situation.

Hi,
Sorry I don’t have practical advice but perhaps there may be some comfort in knowing that I’m in a very similar situation to you.
It is so hard. I wish you all the best.
Warm wishes and stay strong. I have hope that this won’t be forever.