How can I afford to afford to separate - at breaking point

[dontknowwhere]

My marriage with DH has not been great for the last few years. We have 2 young DC. Ultimately we are not right for each other and I think I have always known this before we got married. We are completely incompatible and when we have disagreements (which can be monthly) the arguments escalate out of control. DH can be verbally abusive and loses his temper to the point of breaking things, raising his voice and threatening towards me. He has no respect for me and puts me at fault for all the issues in our relationship. My mental health has really suffered at times because of this.

If I could I would leave DH in a heartbeat, but I worry hugely for the DC. I worry about the affordability, financial impact and quality of life they will have. Youngest DC is in nursery and eldest with wraparound care for school/allowance for holiday clubs which cost over £1,500 a month. I just don’t know how I could even afford to be a single parent covering mortgage, bills, childcare let alone things like clothes, birthdays and the occasional activity for the kids.

Do I stay in this marriage for the kids so they can have a normal ish upbringing? I’m not interested in the idea of meeting someone else in the future I just want what is best for the kids.

I feel so sad and trapped and immensely guilty for the children. I have no one to talk to in RL about this.

Do you work at all ? You would likely get help from Universal credit for nursery costs as a lone parent and also help with rent . Lots of lone parents do survive on benefits and a low income. Could you perhaps speak to womens aid or similar as you have suffered verbal abuse/ emotional abuse, they can support you. Please bear in mind you could also apply for child maintenance from your ex and this wouldn't affect benefits. Do you own a house together ?

First thing you do is get your wage and child benefit paid into your own account.
Then you make an appointment with a family solicitor. DH does not need to know.
‘Start thinking like a single person, plan for the future, and play the long game for now.

Do you own or rent ?

Sorry for the double typo in the subject line.

Thanks for the responses so far.

My earnings means I am just over the line to not be able to claim child benefit or universal credit from what I understand.

We own a home together.

You need some quiet time alone to research the facts.

What you could earn, what benefits you would receive, what CM your DH would pay.

Then look at housing locally. How much a 2 bed home would cost. Rented? Mortgaged? Same catchment area.

Think about support too. Would your family help? Would your ex want 50:50? Would your ex object to you leaving and make things difficult?

Look at practicalities? Can you work from home? Manage school runs and work?

Then you'll be in a position to judge....

If it's any help OP, I earn about the same as you, had no family help, had one 3yo (now a hollow legged teen) and a nine year old car.

I managed to buy a (slightly tatty) house for us in Hampshire. It was a bit tight but manageable. It was the right decision.

We now have a calm happy home. DS and I make a good team, we get on well. He's secure and cheerful. Still in contact with his df.

Don't lose heart. You are entitled to some happiness too.

We are in SE and a 2 bed flat in our area costs on average £400-500k.

I do have family nearby for support and have a good network of friends.

Living where we are means I am able to all of the drop off/pick ups. DH doesn’t do any of this due to his work so I am the primary carer.

Moving further out to a cheaper area will mean losing this and the valuable support network.

Thank you for sharing your story@MintJulia glad to hear it worked well for you and your DS.

I can’t say this IRL, but I often wonder if we stuck at 1DC, it would be much easier to leave.

Dear OP, I do not know at all if your life and mine are the same or even similar, but just by reading your post it reminded me so much of how I felt years ago. I can feel the ache in you, the pain, the longing and I can empathize. I have three children and had been married for 25 years (almost) when I decided to break it up. I was approaching 50yo and suddenly realized I could not imagine myself living that kind of life for the next 20 or 30 years. I was unhappy and that was that; could not live like that anymore.

My kids are grown up and only one is a minor (but they still live with me), so my ex and I do not need to communicate much, but even that is very hard, and I cannot imagine what it would look like if they were younger and we had to talk about everything and make decisions together. I bet he would make it a living hell for me just for the heck of it, just to make it harder for me. So, I can see that it is all much easier for me because my kids are grown up, but I still regret not doing this year ago, exactly because my kids were younger and even though I would not be able to give them as much as I did, it would have been more fun, easier, better in so many ways. I too sometime think how I should have left when I had only one child (although this thinking makes me feel so guilty). It would have been easier for sure, but the thing is OP, when I get home (I live in social housing; very ran down and “basic”) and I see and hear a chatter of my kids echoing around the house, I think to myself, “this is all I need”. I do not need fancy house, expensive vacations, cars and clothes (not that I had it before as my ex was exceptionally stingy), all I need is to hear their cheerful voices filling up my home, my life.

The thing is, there is no “right” or “wrong” time to do this. It is different for each of us, and depends on many things. I would say, listen to your instincts, be true to yourself, you KNOW what you need to do. I do wish you all the best and hope you will manage to leave. It will be hard, and it will get worse before it gets better, but in the end, the feeling of happiness and content that you will feel, it is priceless.💕

@iamenough2023 thank you so much for sharing your story and for your kind words.

i think that is it - can I see myself living this life for another 15 years. Where we are constantly riding this turbulent wave. Treading on eggshells. There are things DH have done which I can’t even bring myself to write down on here.

We don’t particularly live a lavish life - we are the “squeezed middle” so to do this on my salary alone scares me. I would be absolutely screwed if I were to lose my job.

do I wait it out some more years until the kids are a bit older and I have more security - thinking what you have said particularly @DustyLee123

then I worry it’ll be a more difficult time to break up the kids when they are of an age of 7+ or teens

Don't wait. Money isn't everything- far better to have less money but for you and your children to live in an abuse-free environment. You and your children only get one life, why should you live it under a domineering arsehole.

Go to ADVICE NOW link at top of page. Download and read everything. You need to understand “fair settlement” and how it applies.
These guides are brilliant and give you all the knowledge you need

An option might be to take your share of the house equity and rent for a few years until childcare is more affordable subsidising living costs from savings? Not an ideal financial option maybe but it’s not a great time to buy anyway and it would allow you to leave. You’d probably need some savings to tide you over until house is sold.

Thanks @Appleofmyeye2023 @Circe7

Feeling really down today. We had another awful argument over the weekend. I’ve been really short and snappy with him in the very few times we have to exchange words. I just have no respect for him anymore.

DH has said he won’t move. I actually won’t be able to afford to rent in the area as it’ll probably be as much as current mortgage payments. Is there anyway I can get him to move out and stay in the family home and perhaps move to an interest only mortgage whilst younger DC in paid childcare. I don’t think I can afford to buy him out though.

Im so worried about the future and being able to provide for my DC.

I’m feeling so sad and have no one to talk to IRL.

You need to see a solicitor and see what they think you can get in terms of a settlement. There are options around keeping the home but only if your dh can then afford to house himself too. If your youngest only has a year or so in childcare that might be an option... but in reality how would moving out a bit work for you - cheaper housing maybe cheaper childcare?
Take a look at entitled to website. It's not spot on but it would give you an idea as to whether you'd be entitled to any rent support. To not be eligible for child benefit you must be clearing £60k so you must have options even in high cost areas. Does your dh earn similar? Remember for 2 kids child maintenance is 16% of his gross income (dependant on childcare split but if he takes overnights make sure he takes the full 24hrs and pays the childcare on those days!)

See a solicitor, bit clean breaks are usually preferred by courts these days. He may need his share of the house to buy another property and that will include rooms for the children as well. Being housed can also include you both renting.

As he joint owns the house I doubt you can force him out until court orders what will happen with the property.

@dontknowwhere I'm currently sitting on a beach somewhere hot and exotic - I stayed because it was easier at the time - 8 years on I can confirm everyday has been some sort of living hell. Today I'm reflecting heavily on my decisions of yesterday and regretting them sorely - I can't put the finer detail here as it would be too outing I'm afraid. In some small way my MH is suffering and I have a condition which today I've had a lightning bolt realisation could be classed as self harm which I totally attribute to my current non-relationship with my totally not "D"H.
Things will change when we return home in a fortnight and the plaster will be ripped off pdq - 8 years too late but I can't go on like this.
You are stronger and more resourceful than you currently realise @dontknowwhere - make a plan and start living the life you truly deserve soon, not in 8 years.

@MintJulia gives some sound advice

It's not really fair to the kids to raise them in that toxic environment. It will affect their brains, educational ability and ability to form relationships for the rest of their lives.

Even if your standard of living drops, you must move on. Can you find another single mum to share housing, bills and childcare with? Working opposite hours, perhaps?

How long until your youngest starts school?

Maybe that is your best bet. Plan to leave when they are both at school and childcare is much more manageable.

That gives you a year or two to prepare but you will feel much more hopeful and in control if you have a defined plan. So start your escape fund now. Open an on-line account that your dh doesn't know about. Add a little something each month, cash.

Brush up on your employment skills and cv. Consider how you can make yourself more valuable to future employers.

Make sure you have car insurance in your name, not as a named driver on your dh. Try to enhance your personal credit rating a little. There is a lot you can do now that will make leaving easier. Clear debts if you can. Think about primary schools and the combination of catchment area and school that would suit you best as a single mum. Think about work. Can you move to an employer who is close to the school - it makes it MUCH easier to cope.

Careful planning will get you through. xx

I was in the same situation-I contacted the domestic abuse/financial control team at my bank and asked for a big overdraft and told them this was the only way we could escape. The lovely man who took my details was the first person I told in real life.
The money came through in about a week, and i used it to pay a month's rent and deposit on a rented house.
I also contacted UC and applied for an advance to live on until my new claim came through.
You can do this -that first phone call to my bank made me realise i could, and would, get out with my children.

I went throught the exact same thing your going through 3 years ago.
I went through all the rubbish from my ex husband because I thought a family unit was what my child needed. I also didn't want to split because I was so scared of becoming financially responsible for the house and our child.
One night I couldn't take it anymore, I was so incredibly unhappy in our relationship and I didn't what our son to think this was the norm. I did what I thought was never going to happen and phoned for a taxi for him. Told him to pack his bags, I couldn't do this anymore and the taxi was on its way to take him to his parents house (the house we lived in was mine anyway)
He gave me a lot of s for a few weeks. I held my ground and focused solely on myself and my son (was like a breath of fresh air for a change). I didn't drink, take the opportunity to pretend 'oh I'm single again' I just focused on us which ment phoning universal credit. Never been on benefits in my life but doesn't matter as that what I've paid my taxes for.
Universal credit will help you with a mortgage or rent. They will help you with a lot of things and I don't regret calling them.
From the minute we split it was like a weight lifted and i will never look back. I never struggled on Universal credit and they are fantastic with advise and help.
Our son was 2 weeks off his 2nd birthday when we split and he wasn't affected at all by our split. He has come on in leaps and bounds and although his dad wants to do the bare minimum with him he's a mummy's boy through and through.
I now part own a successful business, and yes it's a struggle juggling childcare etc but I take twice as much pride out of it. My son is happy and content and I'm bo longer on Universal credit.
You being unhappy in a relationship doesn't mean your kids will be happy. It's our job to teach them right from wrong and excepting an unhappy relationship isn't one of those things.
Stay strong and you have every right to be happy as its teaching your kids they need to do the same.
Notes take your solicitors advice they are paid to look after your interests
*don't just agree on child maintence if the solicitor doesn't sort it out. Go through child maintenance service direct. My ex tried to tell me he only had to give me £60 a month when he checked child maintenance service. Turns out it was a whole lot more when I went direct to them.

Good luck and do what is best for you. Don't be scared though and turns out my fear kept me in that relationship for too long and my life was so much better without him

@Killinthefear that’s amazing what you have achieved since becoming a single mum. Your little boy is lucky to have such a courageous and driven mum. I think what you say about fear rings so true and I know that it is holding me back.

I’m a single parent, and have been since my 2 were toddlers. They are giant teens now :-)

Yes, it’s been hard. I did have to choose jobs for the flexibility rather than my career. I did get UC for a while because my child care costs were so high. I don’t get anything now - I lost CB a while back.

On the plus side, I get to make all the decisions and in the main I feel quite relieved I’m not in a marriage. Listening to my friends complain does wonders. Sometimes I feel like the smug single mother.

It gets so much easier when they become teenagers although obviously this stage brings more challenges. But I do get a lot more freedom.

thanks to everyone for all the advice so far I really appreciate it.

I am having a horrible evening, feeling so low right now. My emotions have been all over the place from sad, worried, angry… days where I feel like I can do this and break free with the kids and others where I worry how on earth I am going to manage alone.

I know (D)H wants out and he is only staying right now for financial reasons, we both are. He’s mentioned a timeline which would work once our youngest is out of paid childcare. It makes sense financially but I just don’t know how I can carry on living like this pretending. We barely speak apart from practicalities when we are with the kids, otherwise we are pretty much living like two separate people with kids under one roof.

We have spoken about me staying in the family home until I can buy him out. There’s a possibility I will get some inheritance in the future that will help with that plus I may get help from my family. This would be best for the children in terms of school, my family being nearby, support network/friends etc. Financially too, as rentals in our area would actually cost more than what we currently pay in our mortgage.

Ive worked out that if I have main custody of the children I would get enough maintenance money that means I can just get by every month once youngest is in school. I’m not eligible for any benefits on my salary but live in the city so money doesn’t go far. Moving further out would not be practical due to my support network, my work, cost of travel would go up, would need car etc.

I just worry if I lose my job how I will survive. I work in a very niche sector where jobs are hard to come by. There’s also limited scope to increase my earnings too as I’ve reached the ceiling.

sorry I don’t know what the point of this ramble is and thank you to anyone that’s read this far. I guess I just needed to get my worries out of my head and a little hand hold. Feeling desperately low tonight 😞