How can this be ok, everything is broken

[Justapersontryingtodoright]

I don't know that there are any answers, but I need to vent.

My wife and I are separating.

She stated the wants me to move out, she wants to stay in the house until our 11yo is 18, she wants spousal maintenance, and refuses to budge on this position. She doesn't currently work beyond some ad hoc private music teaching, I am a higher earner, but not exceptionally high, not enough to fund two houses.

We have two children, 11 and 13. Parenting would be 50/50 going forwards.

I've taken legal advice, and I've explained to her that my understanding is we file for divorce, we fill in our Form E forms, we propose our monthly ongoing needs, we assess if our asset pot split between us can enable each of us to have our needs met, also considering our earning potential, we take independent legal advice, attend mediation, try and drum out a financial consent order, and all being well, move on with our lives with a clean and final break.

I point out that it is highly likely we have to sell the fmh to each move on.

I also said it might be possible to try and swing it so we can move to a interest only mortgage for the current home and see how she could afford to take it on and what legal agreement we could try and thrash out to account for tribulations like any property I buy would be a"second home" stamp duty and I'd be subject to capital gains tax on our fmr.

The only reason I'm considering this is because she wouldn't currently be able to apply for a mortgage, with no FTE role and no SA history for her teaching income, she'd be forced to rent, that would be £2500 Vs £1k per month for interest only mortgage and I'm all for making things as easy as possible for all of us.

At this point she refuses to engage and goes quiet and we have a stale mate, untile she next demands i move out and I copy and paste my previous reply with the links to advice now, mediation services, form e form etc...

In the end, I just I filed for divorce, which is about to be served.

She emailed me again demanding I move out. Again I refused. We had an upcoming child in need meeting, and she said if I moved out she could make it all go away.... I again said no. The CIN need has come about due to the impact parental conflict is having on our children, one of whom has ASD and is receiving support from CAMHS. I have stated repeatedly we need to separate and to start trying to resolve all of this... Social services have been very neutral, but have said the overwhelming impression they have from my wife is that she is demanding to them that they demand I move out, and they have stated time and time again, that this is not their role.

After the CIN meeting my wife was disappointed they'd made no comment on living arrangements.

So on thursday she filed a DV complaint with the police and had me arrested for financial coercive control, where after 5 hours in the cells I was interviewed and released without charge pending further investigation, bailed on the condition I can't return home or have contact with her unless via an intermediary to organise child pick up and drop off.

She has refused all access attempts to the children.

I am so broken.

How can the system be manipulated so easily ?

The crux of the financial coercive control allegation is baseless and in my opinion she has done this purely to manipulate the living arrangements and force me out.

The consequences is I am now having to spend extortionate amounts of money on solicitors, money that comes out of our joint asset pot and prevents me from having the money to pay deposits etc on rental property... How can that be a good thing?

In the meantime I'm in an airbnb and not able to see my children 😢

I'm sorry not to be able to offer advice but it sounds like she's being very unfair and unreasonable. Is there anyone 'neutral' who could talk to her?

I think you should seek mediation. This saves running everything through solicitors, and therefore saves money. Look for a reputable mediation service in your area. Of course, you will have to persuade your wife to attend.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.
You sound like you are doing everything you can but just in case it might help, can I suggest contacting Child Law Advice, Family Rights Group and Families Need Fathers.
Also keep a detailed record of everything that has happened and continues to happen including anything that relates to and refutes her allegations of financial coercive control.

That's disgusting of her. I'm so sorry. ❤️

Lie behaviour from her. Has she got parents or siblings that you get on well with that you can approach and ask for help in her seeing how unreasonable and downright nasty she is being and how it will be hurting her children not just you?

I've had same happen to me too, although false allegations, said reported but no police and legal threats so can't communicate or go to own house. Less than month in taken over the house completely, all our money and refused contact with children for nearly three months now.

Realise now I've been victim of abuse our entire relationship but didn't see it or see it for what it was. Taking it to court now, I suggest you don't wait and do the same.

Very cruel...I feel your pain but keep fighting for the truth.

Why did you refuse to move out? How are.finances working.currently?. Does she have access to funds. Who is doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare?

I'd accept that you will need a solicitor to get a sensible settlement. Whatever it costs. And request now to see the DCS in writing, by email, timed and dated. Repeat your requests. Communicate only by email and keep all communications. Everything unreasonable she does will work against her in court.

Her demand to stay in the house and for spousal maintenance is ridiculous. She can't expect you to keep her for the next 7 years.

Try mediation but if that doesn't work, go to court and let them settle it. The DCs are at senior school so childcare is not a major issue. She needs to get a full time job and support herself. Schools are crying out for skilled music teachers so if she puts her mind to it, she won't have a problem.

Once mediation has failed. just leave it to your solicitor. Don't try to do her any favours because she'll keep coming back for more.

Once it is all over, you can be supportive with child care and any extra cash you can afford for the DCs needs.

This has reached a point where you need excellent legal advice and representation to get resolved before it continues to get worse.

Agreed. Also, OP, why are splitting?

Why did you stay in the house?

I mean I know that this is often the advice given to protect assets etc… but the situation is so bad that it’s badly affecting the dcs up to the point you’ve had CIN/SS meetings etc…
She doesn’t work so realistically you are the only one who can do that.

id have put the dcs first and lived somewhere else, not the least because it might have lessen the burden for the dcs.

What is the “crux of the financial coercive control allegation” ?

Abusive men always think they are being hard done by and are the victim in every situation. Women who are abused eventually reach a breaking point and are no longer able to “discuss matters reasonably” ie. be manipulated and controlled.

Given that her position seems quite extreme I don’t think anyone can fairly judge the position you find yourself in without any context from the past 13+ years you’ve been together and what kind of a partner you’ve been to her.

Also what kind of parent consistently refuses to leave the family home when his wife is begging him to do so, to the extent that it is severely impacting their child’s mental health? What benefit is there to be gained by this except your longer term financial position? This does not strike me as the behaviour of someone capable of putting the needs of others before his own.

Irl 50 /50 means no cms. It will mean the cf dw needs to get a job and provide for her dc like everyone else.
Stand fast op.

What an incredibly sexist post. Let's not forget that women can be abusive too. It sounds like the only 'financial abuse' she is experiencing is him not bowing down to her demands that he basically funds her lifestyle and lets her stay in the family home because she doesn't work.

If he moves out it will be incredibly hard for him to get back into the home. He has suggested the fairest option is to sell but she doesn't want that either. She is even trying to get social services to insist he moves out. When all this fails she gets the police involved and cries DV. It's despicable behaviour and a true insult to real victims of abuse. Why won't she move out if it's so upsetting for the kids? Because she wants to carry on living the life she's accustomed to just without the man who is funding it all.

Op I'm sorry you are in this situation and I'm sorry that the system has been manipulated in her favour. No practical advice, I would say appeal to her better nature but it sounds like she doesn't have one.

What's her reason behind not working? It doesn't sound like she has one as I assume both your kids are in school?

Yeah, I agree. So while stating not enough context has proceeded to painted OP as a selfish, abusive husband. Women can't be abusive or controlling in a relationship, no?

See even if had left it would have probably ended up this way regardless. In my circumstance I was totally rug pulled and it became more volatile so I did leave to deescalate the situation because had I not it would have been worse for the children and I would have likely been framed as abusive and the police called. So, even though I left and continued to do the right thing afterwards, everything including the children have been taken away.

I've also done everything in the right way to regain contact and have been stonewalled and basically erased, every attempt has been ignored or side stepped and now I'm going to court.

So no, not every man is abusive or a selfish pig. Some of us did actually do the right thing, never hurt anyone and tried to communicate rather than argue and just get screamed at constantly. Provide an income, clean, cook, care for their wives and took on the majority of childcare to not be like 'most men's, just to be thrown under the bus for no reason at all.

OP do everything in the right order, try to maintain contact and show you have, do meditation even if it's ignored and go to court. Believe me, I waited for some human decency and it never arrived it just got worse.

I don't believe there's any such thing as spousal support anymore.

In your shoes I would get expert advise and go full swing on 50/50 custody of the kids and split the marital assets down the middle.

She's can work - she has worked - she just doesn't want to do more of it.

She's going to have to in order to support her kids 50% of the time.

She will get a share of property, savings, pensions probably. So get legal
And get your settlement proposal drawn up.

And consider moving out. If it's Casio g the kids issues to the point that social
Services are involved then one of you needs to grow a pair and move.

The police must have some evidence - they don’t arrest people for no reason at all. Why did your solicitor no quash this if there’s ‘no basis’ at all. All too often men claim this to be the case

Also what kind of parent consistently refuses to leave the family home when his wife is begging him to do so, to the extent that it is severely impacting their child’s mental health? What benefit is there to be gained by this except your longer term financial position? This does not strike me as the behaviour of someone capable of putting the needs of others before his own

In this situation, his wife could easily have moved out. She has no more right to their home than he does. Particularly as they will have their children 50/50. It appears to be about her wants rather than the needs of the children.

She is a SAHM looking after two children, one with additional needs. How would it be logistically possible for her to leave? Do they live near close family? Can he do all the drop offs and pick ups? Would he do them? Is she meant to commute to the family home to provide childcare?!

Clearly there is a financial issue about the house - but an equally valid and important issue about the needs of the family and the children in particular. Not many women in her position would leave and, in my view, a decent father and husband wouldn’t expect her to.

(And to PPs - I have not “painted” the OP as anything, although you’re welcome to your interpretation. I have merely pointed out that he has provided little context for the situation and has failed to describe the abuse his wife is accusing him of, except to say the “crux” of it is “baseless”. Which may be true or may not be - we have zero way of gauging this from the OP)

Sadly, it does happen. Men can be the victim (and often struggle to see it) and women can be abusive- but often claim they’ve been abused in order to continue that abuse. The problem is, that women (quite rightly when they actually are abused) are often believed just because they say something happens, even with no evidence, whilst men are dismissed no matter how much evidence.

It is sadly impossible to balance the needs of women being believed with being able to weed out the women that are abusers.

Thanks for the mansplaining

You need expert legal advice and support
do t engage in mud slinging with her
kerp all communications through legal teams
its extremely unfair but you need to engage the process and follow legal advise now while staying resolute in the divorce process
its highly unlikely she’d be awarded a mesher if she can’t take over the mortgage and bills herself and she’d be expected to work rather than rent in spousal maintenance

sorry your in this situation, stay strong and employee a very good lawyer. You cannot afford not to

Why did I refuse to leave?

It is complicated, life is. Firstly, because I am highly involved in the day to day care of our children, one of whom has very particular needs, especially around routine. I do the school routine with him from 6:30 am through to walking into the school, or returning home with him if he struggles to attend.

I do most of the cooking, the cleaning, household chores, I am often working from home as our son is often not in school and my wife is not available.

I do most of the after school clubs and activities etc and bedtime routines.

I am the parent who come rain or shine is present, no matter what. My wife is, often not. And I am concerned, as often when I am not present, my wife can't manage the behaviour and it escalates into police attending to resolve "meltdowns".

Then there is the finances. I don't earn enough to vacate the house, rent another property for £2-2.5k per month, plus bills, while paying for the current FMH. My wife doesn't share her finances, and doesn't contribute to the joint bills, nor even her own bills like mobile phone etc... so, well.... like, there is not the cash in the bank.

I have urged her to complete the Form E, to calculate her monthly ongoing needs considering renting as worse case option, and then seek independent legal advice on her proposal for a fair split of the assets, attend mediation, with the attempt to keep solicitors fees minimal... on this she doesn't engage, and hence the stale mate. I suspect this is because she has her own rental property overseas, mortgage free I think, plus various bank accounts with various amounts... and she doesn't want to have to disclose this, whereas while I am the "high earner", I am living hand to mouth funding the family home and am more than happy to complete the form e.

In regards to CIN, it is complicated and is the sum of everything, school refusal, parental conflict, ASD, pandemic stress hangover... its messy and not ideal. I strongly believe we can be our best selves separately, co-parenting will obviously still be a challenge, but I have more hope with some of complexity and emotion removed, we can each be better parents.

Financial control. It's baseless. She has her own accounts, she has her own property, she has her own earnings, I see none of it, I don't ask for any of it, I simply have no input / anything on any of it. I encourage and support her to work, from funding her studies, buying equipment, to doing the childcare so she has time and space she needs. Her complaint is that I refused to re-mortgage to build a teaching space for her, and while I said we should consider a business plan as to how it makes financial sense, I relented for peace, and said I'd agree and sign whatever.... so, yes, it's baseless, so I honestly can't believe I am the one sat in an airbnb while she is at home with our children and refusing access.

Look, we're all the heroes in our own sagas, and this is MY side of the story, there is no escaping that. But I am trying to be objective, even though I am incensed.

She threatened to escalate unless I move out, I refused and had faith in the system, it seemed that I was mistaken.

I can't urge her to do anything, mediation etc - because I am not able to contact her except by an intermediary to arrange child access. So now solicitors will benefit the most. It is sad and silly.

@Whatsamanworth the kids are 11 and 13 no doubt in full time education. She's not exactly a SAHM when they're that age. She might use that label
When husband is finding it. But on her own she's just unemployed.

50/50 split financially and with the children is the only way forward.