How can this be ok, everything is broken

[Justapersontryingtodoright]

I don't know that there are any answers, but I need to vent.

My wife and I are separating.

She stated the wants me to move out, she wants to stay in the house until our 11yo is 18, she wants spousal maintenance, and refuses to budge on this position. She doesn't currently work beyond some ad hoc private music teaching, I am a higher earner, but not exceptionally high, not enough to fund two houses.

We have two children, 11 and 13. Parenting would be 50/50 going forwards.

I've taken legal advice, and I've explained to her that my understanding is we file for divorce, we fill in our Form E forms, we propose our monthly ongoing needs, we assess if our asset pot split between us can enable each of us to have our needs met, also considering our earning potential, we take independent legal advice, attend mediation, try and drum out a financial consent order, and all being well, move on with our lives with a clean and final break.

I point out that it is highly likely we have to sell the fmh to each move on.

I also said it might be possible to try and swing it so we can move to a interest only mortgage for the current home and see how she could afford to take it on and what legal agreement we could try and thrash out to account for tribulations like any property I buy would be a"second home" stamp duty and I'd be subject to capital gains tax on our fmr.

The only reason I'm considering this is because she wouldn't currently be able to apply for a mortgage, with no FTE role and no SA history for her teaching income, she'd be forced to rent, that would be £2500 Vs £1k per month for interest only mortgage and I'm all for making things as easy as possible for all of us.

At this point she refuses to engage and goes quiet and we have a stale mate, untile she next demands i move out and I copy and paste my previous reply with the links to advice now, mediation services, form e form etc...

In the end, I just I filed for divorce, which is about to be served.

She emailed me again demanding I move out. Again I refused. We had an upcoming child in need meeting, and she said if I moved out she could make it all go away.... I again said no. The CIN need has come about due to the impact parental conflict is having on our children, one of whom has ASD and is receiving support from CAMHS. I have stated repeatedly we need to separate and to start trying to resolve all of this... Social services have been very neutral, but have said the overwhelming impression they have from my wife is that she is demanding to them that they demand I move out, and they have stated time and time again, that this is not their role.

After the CIN meeting my wife was disappointed they'd made no comment on living arrangements.

So on thursday she filed a DV complaint with the police and had me arrested for financial coercive control, where after 5 hours in the cells I was interviewed and released without charge pending further investigation, bailed on the condition I can't return home or have contact with her unless via an intermediary to organise child pick up and drop off.

She has refused all access attempts to the children.

I am so broken.

How can the system be manipulated so easily ?

The crux of the financial coercive control allegation is baseless and in my opinion she has done this purely to manipulate the living arrangements and force me out.

The consequences is I am now having to spend extortionate amounts of money on solicitors, money that comes out of our joint asset pot and prevents me from having the money to pay deposits etc on rental property... How can that be a good thing?

In the meantime I'm in an airbnb and not able to see my children 😢

The truth will come out

she has to do financial disclosure and courts will force that if she doesn’t
you and your legal team will get the opportunity to challenge and raise questions if it seems incomplete or inaccurate

you will come through this

@Justapersontryingtodoright Fair enough. Sounds like a messy situation that has been brewing for a long time - being in a marriage that isn’t really a joint effort is obviously dangerous for all concerned.

If you’re able to, I suggest keeping your focus on the children and on dealing with matters as empathetically but firmly/swiftly as you can. It’s your relationship with them that matters at the end of the day, and you can only do what you can do.

good luck

I'm so sorry to hear this. Definitely get good legal representation now. Consider defaulting on the mortgage to focus her mind on getting a realistic solution to the house?

If she's turned on you so strongly, something has happened?

A bit embarrassing to say, but 2 marriages I know that went like this - the women was lying about enjoying sex and his company for a few years. They lied to keep the peace and marriage (and I do sympathize with them too on this point) then suddenly they both broke and went a little aggressive.

Not only sex, also something about tv/ youtube being boring (can't remember well) but it was some incompatibility that the women kept shut up about, then lost it after some time. 1 was just sex (became to dread it) other was a mixture

I could be barking up the wrong tree though

Forget mediation - it is not suitable in cases of abuse, and yours certainly ticks those boxes now.

What is your salary? Spousal maintenance is vanishingly rare these days, and you'd need to be on megabucks anyway. She will be expected to maximise her income through full time work (even with dc with additional needs) if residency needs to be split 50/50 so you both have input with the kids then that could be a good starting point.

Courts also like a clean break so if she can't afford to run the house by herself then it will need to be sold.

Once the divorce is underway she will be required to disclose her finances.

Shit hot lawyer time op, get the official legal wheels turning and follow the court's timeliness.

The truth will come out.

DH's parents had to quite bluntly remind his sister of this when she was alleging all sorts in her divorce, and it did come out rather spectacularly.

There is spousal support, but it's very limited. I think it's really for a limited number of people who can't work eg if a partner was approaching retirement age and has a terminal diagnosis. It would not be reasonable to expect that person to get a job at that stage if they were not already working. It's not for a person who just doesn't fancy working.

Well you need a solicitor to get you access to your home

Do you have much equity?

If you do half the tasks with the children how on earth is she going to manage without you?

Gosh I’m so sorry. Separation is such a rough time by itself, let alone when there are kids and/or abuse involved as the legal bills and time spent in court are just crazy. See if some of these help guides might be able to help you keep costs down if you can’t afford a solicitor. It might give you some much needed information on what to do next like it helped me xxx
http://iamlip.com/

Thanks to everyone for all the replies.

It is in the hands of my solicitors and I just have to have faith in them and their ability to try and resolve this without pushing it to the courts. I went for the "shit hot" ones, so here is hoping.

It has been a week and I have been unable to see or speak to my children. I am heartbroken, we are very close, at best they will be very confused, at worst, as sad as me. I am shocked, broken, and have some tears often, especially around those "usual" routine moments or seeing all the other families go about their holidays.

The social worker is supportive, but is unable to help other than saying they will support court motions for equal parental involvement, court motions I am desperately trying to avoid putting us all through the expense and turmoil of. The system feels so very broken. It had never occured to me in a million sundays that one parent would, let alone, could do this, and that the law would be so slow, ineffective and expensive.

In the meantime, I am trying to distract myself with work and looking for a suitable property, praying that soon enough this will be but a memory.

This sounds awful. My partners ex wife was the same and claimed domestic abuse . He wasn’t arrested but barred from picking kids up from school and interrogated by social services. Luckily they dismissed everything quickly and when her behaviour came out, her parents were disgusted with her and it has seriously marred their relationship (from what we hear anyway). She also tried to withhold the kids and use them to extort money from him, never happy with whatever he gave until she went to CMS and ended up with less than he gave her. The withholding ended pretty quickly after that (again from what I heard, we weren’t together then) as she realised she couldn’t gain more from it and wanted her child free time!

I am still puzzled why she would be so vile as she was the one to break up the marriage But some people just are like that. The best you can do is to document everything and go through solicitors as nothing else will work. Good luck to you.

@Woodstocks Yeah I think it's more common than you think. It's bad because it's making it harder for women who are actually abused and trying to keep children safe be believed.

Like in my case I was never abusive but she was and I never retaliated not once and in the end I had to leave to de-escalate the rage. Now has taken everything including the children, I've not even been seen by the police or ss but threatened legally so can't communicate or go home.

Now not even communicating through solicitors ask requested just leading me down the garden path and changing goal posts.

@Justapersontryingtodoright Problem is there's little they can do I have found. I've got expensive good solicitors who can see what's going on but they can't actually force them to do anything. All you got to hope is they shit the bed. Mine hasn't and I'm left with no choice to go to court but it's months away to first hearing.

It must be incredibly tough. A friend of mine gave up in the end. His ex was the same and ignored court orders and there was nothing he could do. He kept spending all his money on going back to court for her to ignore it and of course they wouldn’t jail her so just gave tiny fines which she didn’t pay either and in the end he stopped trying. Said his mental health couldn’t take it anymore and he deserved a life as well without being on the bones of his arse all the time cos every penny went on court fees and solicitors. Stopped sending his kids birthday presents and money as they went ignored. Stopped trying to contact.

He did quit his job though due to circumstances and mum immediately contacted him raging that her £700 child support a month went down to £7!

From what I heard the older daughter has recently added him on a social media platform but when he wrote to her she didn’t respond. But she was the one to add him so he is hoping again. Who knows ..

@Woodstocks Oh that's awful, just insane it's allowed to happen. There's a need when there is real threat but to let damage like that happen without enforcing anything is just wrong, not like it's a dog is it.

Mine are with the abusive parent but my hands are tied, I've been totally erased. Co-parenting never came into it. The few times I saw was on their terms with them present, on my own for a short while. Then bang, took everything we own, legal aid, blocked me from house and withheld because I'm apparently extremely dangerous. That was three weeks after separation so, all in all I've seen them for roughly 10 hours, majority of that with her.

Can't communicate otherwise NMO, won't let me speak on phone, no gifts getting through and messing me around and delaying through solicitors.

Why are you paying for her phone? Stop all those payments as soon as you are able to without a penalty. She sounds like a classic CF and you are finding everything.

An Update:

After various solicitors letters and s/s intervention, I got access to my boys after a couple of weeks. I am renting a 3 bedroom house and they live with me about 90% of the time, one going to stay with her sometimes, the other refuses full stop, unless I have to travel for work.

The police determined the case baseless and advised me to file a complaint for DV, as in their opinion based on the counter evidence I produced (messages/emails), I was the victim of DV. I declined as I just wanted to keep things calm while we work through agreeing child arrangements and financial matters.

Now, almost a year later, I am still paying for two houses, all her expenses, and a monthly spending amount... I'm selling assets to make this happen as it exceeds my monthly incomings. I am pushing for mediation, via my solicitors, but of course it is not in her interest to do so. She currently has all her expenses paid, is essentially child free, does what she wants when she wants... living her best life.

All I can do is breath and hope that as time passes, it will work out. On the bright side, I feel the weight of the world off my shoulders, my boys and I have the best time, my oldest son is making great progress from where he was, and I can see glimmers of hope.

Just stop paying for her. You will have more money to spend on yournsc which is as it should be.. She can get a job like everyone else has to.

What would happen if you just ceased all payments? Or reduced them massively?
I can't see how a court can allow this. She isn't even looking after her own kids.

You need to forget mediation and go straight for a court date for FDR

also stop giving her so munch money

Stop giving her any money to pay for anything. You can ensure your children are fed and clothed but buying things directly for them and having them delivered. That way you will able to be able to afford to provide a home for your children yourself and she can be responsible for providing the same. You don’t owe her a living, your only responsibility is to your children.