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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Contemplating separation

30 replies

Tosnoreornottosnore · 20/07/2023 21:19

I made another post about snoring in the relationship section but what I really should have posted about how to approach separation. There is a huge disparity between my and my dh’s earning, both now and further into our careers. I’ve pretty much hit the ceiling and he is earning over 3x what I do and it will only keep climbing.
The life I can provide the dc(10 and 13(a ds and dd) so they can’t share a room is what paralyses me with fear as we are still looking at a 3 bed property. He will be able to afford the family home on his own so the dc will just want to stay there with him
Even if I could stay in the family home it’s not sustainable longer term with my lengthy commute(3 hours per day even more on occasion since it can take over 2 hours when traffic is at its worst) I wish I’d been thinking of my career when we purchased but instead my entire focus was on providing the best life possible for the dc. I’ve been looking for other roles closer to home but they are few and far between. I am at a complete loss of how to navigate things. How can I survive 8 more years of this if I can’t separate…

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 20/07/2023 21:38

So are you looking to move the kids/school closer to your work ?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 20/07/2023 22:00

@DustyLee123 i have no idea what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Jk987 · 20/07/2023 22:09

Have you looked at flats instead of houses? They are usually a lot cheaper than the equivalent sized house.

Wouldn't you get maintenance and and some assets if you divorced?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 20/07/2023 22:27

@Jk987 I would be happy in a flat however, DH has already tainted their views on flats that the eldest has said they’d refuse to live in a flat thereby guaranteeing they will live with their dad and where the eldest is the youngest will follow. I could be left without care of either of them.

OP posts:
Jk987 · 20/07/2023 22:55

Does your eldest mean that or is he/she just hurt/angry etc about the impending split? Are they used to total luxury something? They might change their mind when they see a modern spacious flat. Wouldn't they be at least 50/50 with you anyway?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 21/07/2023 04:02

Jk987 · 20/07/2023 22:55

Does your eldest mean that or is he/she just hurt/angry etc about the impending split? Are they used to total luxury something? They might change their mind when they see a modern spacious flat. Wouldn't they be at least 50/50 with you anyway?

No split has been mentioned but when we were house hunting near work both DH and the dc made their feelings known about refusing to live in flats or terraces/semis . I would hope that I’d would be a minimum of 50:50 but I know that court orders are not enforced if a dc refuses to go to a parents if they are of teenage age. They would both want to stay in the relative comfort their father provides.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 21/07/2023 07:48

Firstly I’d speak to a solicitor, no need for DH to know, to see what you can expect and if you can stay in the home.
Like you’ve said, if you split and move closer to work, it sounds like the kids will stay with him.
You need to play the long game, and that starts with a job closer to home.
Im assuming you have your own bank account with your wage and child benefit paid into it ? If not, that needs doing over time.
Start saving up points from Tesco/Boots/Sainsbury’s, as this is ‘money’ that you wouldn’t have to declare.
And start asking DH for gold as presents, chains/bracelets, the chunkier the better, as this would be yours and you can sell it.

millymollymoomoo · 21/07/2023 08:52

You can split, seems you just don’t want to downgrade your lifestyle ( which usually happens in divotce)
your commute is not ideal and not sustainable so yea continue to seek alternative employment . Upping the children from their home, school and friends would not be appropriate

you may receive more than 50% of assets so what could this give you ? Where do you envisage children would live?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:56

You're married so the family home is a joint asset whoever has put more money in.

Speak with a lawyer first

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 21/07/2023 12:05

millymollymoomoo · 21/07/2023 08:52

You can split, seems you just don’t want to downgrade your lifestyle ( which usually happens in divotce)
your commute is not ideal and not sustainable so yea continue to seek alternative employment . Upping the children from their home, school and friends would not be appropriate

you may receive more than 50% of assets so what could this give you ? Where do you envisage children would live?

@millymollymoomoo a downgrade of lifestyle is not a concern of mine I’m worried how it will impact the dc. All I want is somewhere safe to call home.

OP posts:
IcyHot · 22/07/2023 18:50

Tosnoreornottosnore · 20/07/2023 22:00

@DustyLee123 i have no idea what to do for the best.

For now may be don't do anything other than giving it all some more thought and consideration. Have you managed some quality sleep?

Sia19 · 22/07/2023 21:20

This could be a long message so I appreciate you sticking with me! I don’t know what to do or where to turn to anymore.
My husband and I have been together 17 years and married 9. We have two young children.
The past few years we’ve been living separate lives. We put the kids to bed and go to separate rooms to spend the evening. We’ve had sex maybe 5 times in the past 3 years.
He tries to be a good father but he’s not really. I find myself so unhappy with our marriage. But we’re comfortable. We’ve know each other and familes so long now it seems impossible to think about being apart. We used to be best friends but now, we don’t talk at all. It’s easier that way. I’ve tried to talk about how I feel but get shut down. Very quickly. And I don’t have the energy to argue and more. Financially, he has a fantastic salary and I have a part time job. Should I leave I would be moving 200 miles away to be near family. So the guilt kills my taking him from the boys.
Im sure of my decision now to leave our marriage, but don’t know where to start. Anyone gone through similar that could offer advice?!

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 23/07/2023 12:34

@Sia19 sorry to hear your marriage is not in a good place. I can’t work out what to do myself so can’t really advise. Hopefully some other posters will be able to guide/suggest how to move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 23/07/2023 12:36

IcyHot · 22/07/2023 18:50

For now may be don't do anything other than giving it all some more thought and consideration. Have you managed some quality sleep?

Show quote history

I’m utterly exhausted, really need to have some leave but can’t get time off other than a long weekend during the summer hols due to staffing shortages.

OP posts:
IcyHot · 23/07/2023 13:41

Can you have a nap this afternoon and may be an early night?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 24/07/2023 07:46

IcyHot · 23/07/2023 13:41

Can you have a nap this afternoon and may be an early night?

No nap 💤 unfortunately but I did manage to get some sleep before heading off to work. I don’t think his snoring was as bad last night as usual.

OP posts:
Kabbalah · 24/07/2023 08:03

Surely you should act in the best interests of the children and if that is with their father then so he it.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 24/07/2023 08:10

This isn’t really a suggestion, just something to think about.

Why not let them live with their dad? You get a flat near by and live there. You can still see your kids, take them to activities, have them over for dinner a couple of nights a week. Take them on holidays, go for weekends away. Let their dad fund their lifestyle. Let him clean up after them.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 24/07/2023 08:13

Kabbalah · 24/07/2023 08:03

Surely you should act in the best interests of the children and if that is with their father then so he it.

@Kabbalah I don’t believe he would meet their needs. A nice roof over their head absolutely but he can be verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the dc. The in laws are similar. I’m concerned about their well-being if the dc live with him or the in-laws. That’s why I’m overwhelmed with fear about what to do, it’s not a case of concern about my lifestyle as a pp stated.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/07/2023 08:18

When your DC were being snobby about living in a flat they knew you could afford a nice house and that they would be living with you.

Once you are removed from that materially nice house living with their abusive father without you to buffer things will not be so attractive. Have some belief that they will want to be with you at least 50:50.

You and an ex will both need to be able to house the DC and his earnings and ability to earn would usually be taken into consideration and would usually be result in you getting a larger share of marital assets. Remember pensions are taken into account too.

You need legal advice from a solicitor with an ace reputation of getting a good outcome for people in your circumstances. Priority is asking around to find that and then having an appointment.

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 26/07/2023 11:09

I don’t know how to arrange an appt with a solicitor as all our money is in a joint account so I’ve got no way of paying them without him seeing it.
The dc have friends that have 50:50 shared custody and I know how disruptive it is for them. I don’t know how I could afford anywhere remotely near enough their schools for when they’d travel from where I could afford to live. So I can’t even begin to work out the logistics, how can I afford a 3 bed place on my own…
even with him being abusive at times the shiny lifestyle will win.

OP posts:
IcyHot · 26/07/2023 12:03

Is your sleep improving @Tosnoreornottosnore
Also, could you spend one night a week in a bnb to cut down on the commute?

Original poster
Tosnoreornottosnore · 26/07/2023 12:11

IcyHot · 26/07/2023 12:03

Is your sleep improving @Tosnoreornottosnore
Also, could you spend one night a week in a bnb to cut down on the commute?

Sleep is not the best. I have found somewhere cheapish to stay but with school holidays availability is a bit hit and miss. Think I will treat myself next week as availability is still showing online. Wednesday night hopefully as that’s a pretty intense day with back to back in person meetings.

OP posts:
IcyHot · 26/07/2023 12:32

Get it booked if you can. With everything that's going on feeling well rested and a better night's sleep makes us perform better.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/07/2023 14:54

When you do a supermarket shop can you get cash back? That way you can pay a solicitor without it being obvious?