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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Do you still see/keep in contact with in laws after your divorce?

58 replies

Seashell8 · 12/07/2023 07:49

Obviously everyone's situation is different. I am only at the very start of my divorce journey.
And I don't know if my husbands family would even want to keep in contact with me etc. But I have known them for 20 years and I am closer to them than my own family
I only have my parents , but on my husbands side I have my inlaws, SIL & BIL, a lovely little niece and I also know all of the extended family, cousins, aunts uncles etc. They are a large family.
I really would be devastated if I couldn't see them anymore , especially my SIL.
Does anyone on here still see their exes family?
Part of the reason we are separating is because he doesn't want to socialise and isn't interested in seeing his family so I see them without him

OP posts:

Libraryloiterer · 12/07/2023 07:59

I'm not divorced/ separated but on the maternal side of my family and in my partners family we have several ex partners still involved. Mostly because they have children, so the ex will be around at birthday parties etc, one child also has their Christmas day handover at the house where all of our family gather in Christmas day so we always get to see the ex then, he'll stay for a coffee or a beer if he's not driving. It's all very civilised.

With my in laws there's an ex wife who we stay in contact with, despite a very acrimonious divorce, because there is an elderly relative involved who would be distressed and confused if the ex walked away. Because the ex has been divorced from BIL for a while now, it doesn't even feel like she's his ex, she's just morphed into this family acquaintance who we have our own relationship with independent of him, it's all very grown up and nice. It can be done.

GoldDuster · 12/07/2023 08:10

It can be done and it seems like you've got a good relationship with them, so if they feel the same then there's no need for you to lose touch necessarily.

Being able to fuck my inlaws right off was one of the highlights of getting divorced so I'm no role model.

barbarahunter · 12/07/2023 08:11

No, I didn't. It was yet another happy bonus to my divorce.

notanicepersonapparently · 12/07/2023 08:16

If you were my SIL I would want you to keep in touch.

JJ8765 · 12/07/2023 08:22

My parents see my ex when he has our dc eg will call in for a cuppa. His family cut me off despite the split being amicable and despite me thinking we had a close friendship aside from being ILs. I think out of some loyalty to ex. They also bad mouthed me and refused to help with childcare anymore. Even though ex told them he didn’t want them to behave like this and they were being ridiculous. You can’t predict how people will react.I think they regret it now as ex doesn’t see them much and they now don’t see their grandchildren while my lovely parents see theirs all the time. I think where it works is where the family want to maintain a relationship and where you don’t talk about anything to do with the ex / break up etc

Harebrain · 12/07/2023 08:26

I remained very close to my in-laws after my divorce. When I remarried, ex-in laws came to the wedding. We all like each other but I get that it’s fairly unusual. Ex-husband and I are civil but that’s as far as it goes.

Isthisreasonable · 12/07/2023 08:26

No. They were awful to me. Some of my family have retained fb links for the sake of my dc given that they would have to see them at dcs major life events. Initially they wanted me to bring dcs to their family events, sit unobtrusively in the background and then take dcs home at the end. Why they thought treating me like a servant was a good idea was beyond me. I think that they thought they would be applauded by their friends for including me but I think most of them wouldn't see it in quite the same way. I just laughed at the suggestion.

Isthisreasonable · 12/07/2023 08:30

I did have the family of an ex-bf at my wedding though so it does depend on the individuals concerned

SpikeWithoutASoul · 12/07/2023 08:36

My parents and I still see my ex brother in law all the time. Never alone, always with my nephew as to just meet up with him would feel a little disloyal to my sister. Hopefully they will become more amicable and then that won’t be an issue. I didn’t want my daughter to lose her favourite uncle from her life.

DuckyShincracker · 12/07/2023 08:46

My ex MIL and I were so close. My ex stopped her seeing me about 5 years after the split and even at times stopped her from seeing my DD's. My Ex is horrific. I held her sobbing in my arms that she couldn't see me or the DD's one Christmas. He used physical and financial control to make it happen. He told his father he wanted to break me by stopping all contact with them. Funny thing was it was a relief for me as having the ex in laws popping in and out was weird and DP found it really odd.

Whichwhatnow · 12/07/2023 09:04

Not me, but both my brother's significant exes and my sister's ex (all long term partners) are still very much part of our family's lives. One of my brother's exes and my sister's ex live some way away but we would meet up with them if they were around and all the siblings are FB friends with them and chat on there etc. My brother's other ex (mum to my oldest niece) lives nearby and comes round to family barbecues and Sunday roasts etc, and will often pop in to one of our houses or my parents' place for a chat, either with or without my DN.

They're all lovely people who were part of our family for many years in each case, the splits were relatively amicable and there's no jealousy or resentment amongst my siblings' new partners - my brother's exes were both invited to his wedding, as was his former MIL! There's no contact with my long term ex but that's cos he was an abusive bastard haha.

RoseMartha · 12/07/2023 09:13

I would have done but if I see them in the street they blank me. Or on occasion have spoken to my Dd's and ignored me standing next to them. Even though I said hello and made eye contact etc

I divorced my exh for unreasonable behaviour which included abuse and him being unfaithful.

He told me his family do not understand why I divorced him because they think he did nothing wrong.

chooseanother · 12/07/2023 09:41

My former in-laws live abroad, brother in law speaks some English but mother in law none. I've always kept in touch by Facebook, not often but my former bro in law will send me pictures of his pets and mum in law will always like my pictures and post heart stickers. She's near end of life now and I've sent flowers and food gifts to cheer her up which she has appreciated.

It's very light touch and I'm glad we have it. My son is an adult now so no contact between his dad and I though his dad rang me recently to thank me for sending his mum flowers.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 12/07/2023 10:03

I'm disappointed and angry at my MIL, as I made the effort to maintain a relationship with her for my kids (who adore her - we lived with her for a bit when my eldest was young), since my ex doesn't bother. I flew over and stayed in a hotel so they could visit her, had the kids call her at Christmas and on her birthday, and on their birthday to say thankyou (for the gifts I'd given her suggestions for), bought easter eggs in her name etc.

But it turns out she's come and visited my ex at least twice (we live in a different country to her), and not bothered to even ask to meet for a coffee, or (presumably) encourage my ex to ask for a visit while she's over - like mother like son I guess.

So I've blocked her, and I'm not going to tell my eldest she was here and didn't visit him, because it would break his heart.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/07/2023 10:25

After 25 years of marriage I divorced my ex after catching him cheating. My MIL has never spoken to me since. Tbh it was a surprise blessing in hindsight!

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 12/07/2023 11:39

I think on your situation you have a better chance than most to continue your relationship with them

I haven't heard from my in laws of 20 years since the day their son walked out on us

mrsplum2015 · 12/07/2023 14:07

Yes I do
It took time and only because my ex and I are amicable
But it's very special
We were married for nearly 20 years so they are my actual family and now that means something

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 12/07/2023 20:37

Not a snowballs chance in hell! I would have wanted to stay in touch with my FIL but he passed away before we divorced. The rest of the family played a material part in our breakup, and I’d rather stick pins in my own eyes than see them again.

Cluelessat33 · 12/07/2023 20:39

I separated from my husband 3 years ago. I still see his parents. Less so now my daughter has started school, but when I used to drop her to them on a morning, I'd stay for breakfast. We still do birthday and Christmas presents.

After we separated, I wrote a letter to them basically thanking them for everything they had done for me, and expressing how much I'd like to stay in contact. I've never bitched about my ex to them, even before we separated. It's a bit less easy and comfortable now, but we still get on.

Catlady1978 · 12/07/2023 20:43

My in laws stopped talking to me during some
marital problems (their son is emotionally abusive) - they haven’t spoken to me in 2 years and have not seen their grandchildren (their choice) for that time either. Think my answer would most definitely be no!! Shame really as we are all adults and our issues were none of their business!

BarrelOfOtters · 12/07/2023 20:51

Dhs ex doesn’t have any family in this country and has stayed very in touch. She comes round here for dinner regularly with the grown up kids, and has been here for dinner on her own and also looks after the cat when we are away. She sees the in laws regularly, It’s all very amicable. It took a few years to settle down….but it works.

they like her, she’s the mother to their grandchildren….they’ve known her years.

daffodilandtulip · 12/07/2023 20:57

My ex was abusive. PIL kept sending flowers and stuff regularly - whilst paying for ex to take me to court to try to remove the children. I told him in court that he had to make it stop.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 12/07/2023 20:59

barbarahunter · 12/07/2023 08:11

No, I didn't. It was yet another happy bonus to my divorce.

😂 yes, this! They were a dysfunctional lot, it's no loss.

DyslexicPoster · 12/07/2023 21:07

I don't think I would. Bil has remarried three times and all the exs including mother of his kids have been branded as witches by mil so that doesn't bode well. She loved them all dearly when married. She believes anything bil says, including his ex being sex addict shagging around while pg while only having a three month age gap between previous child. Logic says if she had multiple lovers, was pg and had a weak c section scar being highly unlikely. He on on his third wife so more probably he has sex addiction.

Never see fil as it is.

I'd still still see his cousin but there's lots of infidelity in his side of the male family so I think there's that.

KomodoDodo · 12/07/2023 22:04

No, but they never liked me much anyway, nor I them, despite trying really hard in the early years to forge a decent relationship. Luckily my current bf has the most wonderful family and I feel closer to them in a shirt space of time than in decades with my ex IL’s
I do keep in touch with one Bil/sil couple, despite having a very difficult relationship with my ex, because we always got on really well and my BIL and I had always bonded over how dreadful my mil was.

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