Feel trapped in marriage by my 8 year old daughter

[Worriedandstuck5]

I know no-one can tell me what to do and I can't predict what will happen in the future but I feel trapped in my marriage because of my 8 year old daughter.
My marriage has been basically over for about 5 years now. We haven't actually admitted it to each other yet but it's over. No intimacy, don't enjoy each others company, don't think we even like each other as people any more, sleep in separate bedrooms etc.
We both are responsible, the fault lies 50/50. I am desperate to separate now. I am so so unhappy. Every day is a real challenge for me to try and keep a semblance of normality for the kids when I'm actually screaming inside. We are both at home together now during the day so spending so much time together just increases my utter longing to get away. I feel like I am a prisoner.
The problem is our daughter. She has always been a daddy's girl. She absolutely adores him, hugs him at every opportunity and tells him he's her favourite.
Not only would our separation probably destroy her , I really do feel that she would choose to live with her dad . Of course I hope that she would still see me and want to see me but I think she would want to actually live with him. I would rather die than this happen.
I don't want to get into details on here , obviously he's her dad and she loves him, but I can't really see why as he's not a great father. I do absolutely everything for and with the kids and he does nothing. I even take them on holiday on my own. He's also very moody and miserable. I can't see what there is to like so much.
People are always so quick to say just separate and do it whilst the kids are young but I feel like this would end disastrously for me.
I'm also worried because the exact same thing happened to my mum. Separated when my sister was 6 and she stayed with the dad. He poisoned her against her and she hardly saw her. 50 years on and she now has nothing to do with my mum and blames her for everything and has had to have a lot of therapy. I don't want this to happen. So I feel I must sacrifice my happiness and live in this loveless marriage either until she grows up or forever . My mum has told me I must do this aswell because of her experience. But I can't explain the amount of distress this is causing me , I think about wanting to separate almost 24/7, I'm obsessed with it

Is your sister 56 now? How old are you? You can never get your time back if you are unbearably unhappy you should make changes.

It isn't that your daughter prefers him it's that she has an insecure attachment to him and is desperate to hang onto him. I would work on building up her self-esteem and her attachment to you before thinking of leaving.

@Honeychickpea kindly remove yourself from my thread
How is me not wanting to be apart from my daughter being a drama llama? It would destroy me

I think your thinking is (understably) clouded by what happened to your sister. I suspect your dd's attachment comes from insecurity (she knows you're reliable and so doesn't need to prove her love to you). If your husband is not acting as primary caregiver then he wouldn't get custody if you contested it.
You mention kids - do you have another? You need to think about the example your marriage is setting them and how you want them to grow up/ what relationships you want them to end up in

Yes we have other children but they don't have the same bond to him as she does

I don’t know that you’d give them a “choice”, but instead do 50/50? Or as close to that as you can.

My fear is that he would poison her against me like what happened with my sister.
My mum saw less and less of her and she wasn't allowed to see her alone and then once my sister turned 18 she stopped all contact

It sounds like she's desperate to get closer to him because she's secure with you and not him. Whether that translates into her 'choosing' him who knows, but she isn't old enough to make that choice anyway surely.

It sounds like a very unhappy marriage: I feel for you.

To add: I think telling children it’s their choice who they live with is terribly unfair and actually quite cruel as you’d essentially be asking them to pick a favourite.

So you tell them how it is, rather than ask what they’d like it to be. Make it fair, of course, but you’re the adults and you work out the contact / living arrangements / etc.

Why do you think he’d poison her against you? Is he abusive? Does he not want you to leave?

What a horrible thing to say, you should be ashamed. This isn’t a ‘don’t want to go to a hen do’, it’s her f*ing Daughter.

OP this is not about your sister. If the situation hadn't happened with your sister what would you thoughts be about this situation?

Your daughter is craving her dad's attention and that's why she's acting this way.

You can't continue to exist like this.

You need some therapy to help you sort out your enmeshment with your 8 year old and your family of origin.

It is stopping you thinking clearly.

If you split from your husband there may be consequences in your relationship with your daughter.

That is not the same thing as saying that your 8 year old is preventing you leaving.

What's preventing you leaving is your unwillingness to face the guilt/difficulties that might follow from it.

(There could simultaneously be positive consequences).

Don't make a child responsible for your life choices because those choices are difficult.

Your daughter is picking up on all these feeling and it's damaging to her. Trust me she won't thank you for staying in a miserable marriage when she's older. Do you know how horrible it is to have an unhappy parent tell you "I only stayed for you". Please don't use her as your excuse.

She can tell her dad is miserable and likely CBA with her. That's why she is obsessed with trying to get his attention. Very sad.

You owe it to her and yourself to be happy and show her that she should accept a relationship like this. She will think this is how relationships are. What would you tell her if she was in this kind of marriage?

Children are every resilient and yes she might have trouble with it at first but she absolutely will adapt. Get some therapy as you are doing the wrong thing in staying for her and yourself.

What the actual fuck? No she doesn't. She sounds like a loving mother who couldn't bear to be parted from her young child every night. A normal mother.

Christ. This has pissed me off so much it might be the push I need to delete this godforsaken app.

Yes this, she's desperate for the attention she knows he's not fully giving

Would your DH seek full custody?

It sounds like your daughter is trying to seek his approval/love/attention. She gets it from you, she has to work to get it from him.

I’m going to say something that isn’t popular on Mumsnet, and I say it as someone who was a single parent for many years (dd now aged 20, left her dad when she was 6 months old) - I would stay for now. 8 is a funny age, they’re still very young and dependent but in even 4/5 years time she will be older and more independent and you might find things easier to leave then. If not I’d wait until she’s 16-18 ish and leave then. It’s the time they become their own people more anyway; they don’t need quite so much parental involvement and the emotional wrench isn’t quite so large. If you and your dh aren’t actively shouting at each other or creating a toxic environment I’d just build a new life for yourself within the confines of things as much as you can and bide your time. I think the long term relationship with your dd will be worth it given what you’ve said. Just don’t ever, ever tell her you wanted to leave when she was younger as otherwise she will feel like her “happy” childhood was a lie.

Thank you so much for all of your comments
I have never thought of it that way that she is seeking his attention, it all makes sense now and that actually breaks my heart that she is doing that but it's completely obvious.
I think I could handle 50/50 custody as long as I knew that he was being a good dad which I hope he would be as he relies on me far too much to do it all at the moment
He knows the marriage has come to an end but he feels the same way as I do and seems to be willing to put up with it to just stay with the kids whilst they are still young
My original plan was for when she starts high school which is another 2 years away. I thought I could last those 2 years and get all my ducks in order during that time but even 2 days seems like a real challenge right now

I think several things are at play here.
Clearly the situation with your sister and the pain it has caused you all has had a deep rooted impact on you. My best friend was 'retained' in her mum and dads divorce in the seventies. Her dad did everything in his power to destroy their relationship but they are now close. I imagine that whole scenario would play on your mind.
But would it be worth talking to your husband? He could be thinking exactly the same as you and like it resolved sooner rather than later. Doing nothing is not going to work.
And to echo what someone else said my dad was a moody horrible git. I clung to him as I could feel the tension in the air. I hoped he would be happy. I wish my mum and dad had separated when we were small (they divorced after 32 years) and I don't see him at all now. And I would never have picked him over my stable reliable mum.
Life is so short. At least put your cards on the table.

Sorry cross post.

How old are your other children? Would the father actually want custody of any of the children? Your portion so I don't know other people have asked these questions?

By the sounds of it, he would not want to have the kids

@Worriedandstuck5 if you leave this too much longer to when she’s in her teens her preferences WILL be taken into account in a court. Right now, less so.

you must do whatever it takes to model healthy, happy adulthood/relationships. Get out and she’ll have recovered from the shock of it all before the teen hormones kick in.