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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Feel trapped in marriage by my 8 year old daughter

42 replies

Worriedandstuck5 · 09/07/2023 20:16

I know no-one can tell me what to do and I can't predict what will happen in the future but I feel trapped in my marriage because of my 8 year old daughter.
My marriage has been basically over for about 5 years now. We haven't actually admitted it to each other yet but it's over. No intimacy, don't enjoy each others company, don't think we even like each other as people any more, sleep in separate bedrooms etc.
We both are responsible, the fault lies 50/50. I am desperate to separate now. I am so so unhappy. Every day is a real challenge for me to try and keep a semblance of normality for the kids when I'm actually screaming inside. We are both at home together now during the day so spending so much time together just increases my utter longing to get away. I feel like I am a prisoner.
The problem is our daughter. She has always been a daddy's girl. She absolutely adores him, hugs him at every opportunity and tells him he's her favourite.
Not only would our separation probably destroy her , I really do feel that she would choose to live with her dad . Of course I hope that she would still see me and want to see me but I think she would want to actually live with him. I would rather die than this happen.
I don't want to get into details on here , obviously he's her dad and she loves him, but I can't really see why as he's not a great father. I do absolutely everything for and with the kids and he does nothing. I even take them on holiday on my own. He's also very moody and miserable. I can't see what there is to like so much.
People are always so quick to say just separate and do it whilst the kids are young but I feel like this would end disastrously for me.
I'm also worried because the exact same thing happened to my mum. Separated when my sister was 6 and she stayed with the dad. He poisoned her against her and she hardly saw her. 50 years on and she now has nothing to do with my mum and blames her for everything and has had to have a lot of therapy. I don't want this to happen. So I feel I must sacrifice my happiness and live in this loveless marriage either until she grows up or forever . My mum has told me I must do this aswell because of her experience. But I can't explain the amount of distress this is causing me , I think about wanting to separate almost 24/7, I'm obsessed with it

OP posts:

MzHz · 09/07/2023 21:54

Don’t stay because of her

LEAVE because of her. Otherwise she’ll grow up thinking this is what a marriage looks like anD IT WILL destroy you to see her in a shorty relationship like yours

MustYou · 09/07/2023 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImaginingDragonz · 09/07/2023 22:07

OP, I feel for you. As I see it, you have options:

1 continue like this
2 discuss separations with him and 50:50 child custody.
3 ask for an open marriage

If it were me, I would start with communicating with your husband about ending things and what he would want in terms of child living arrangements. I would not want to continue in this situations for 10 more years with all the unhappiness in the house. I agree with PP that you don't make the child choose. Good luck and have hope. Please ignore the vile poster above.

cyncope · 09/07/2023 22:11

Is your husband a decent enough person?
Is he likely to want to hurt your children to get revenge on you?

I'd speak to him about the possibility of separation and see how he envisions it - would he want 50/50, every weekend, every other weekend?

Ibizafun · 09/07/2023 22:34

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/07/2023 20:26

It isn't that your daughter prefers him it's that she has an insecure attachment to him and is desperate to hang onto him. I would work on building up her self-esteem and her attachment to you before thinking of leaving.

This is so true and such good advice. My dd was 5 when her dad and I divorced. He was vile and emotionally abusive to her, but it was him she was desperate to please. I cry just thinking about it. She's now an adult people pleaser.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 09/07/2023 22:49

@Ibizafun 😞

LadyJ2023 · 09/07/2023 23:00

If my marriage turned this way I would be out because I'm not going to pretend a marriage that doesn't exist to our 4 children.

Missingmyusername · 10/07/2023 04:06

From what you’ve said it seems unlikely he would push to have the children (of course if he has to pay maintenance this may change). Would his job permit him time for school runs etc.
Splitting up is never easy, worse when children are involved, but you seem very unhappy, he’s not happy. Perhaps it’s worth having a conversation with him.

leopardprintismyfavourite · 10/07/2023 05:29

i don’t think at eight that your daughter would have a say. It’s usually teen age that that becomes more of a consideration.

50/50 would be the worst case scenario unless there’s a reason you’d be unfit to have them 50% of the time which I can’t see in your post.

I know you’re drawing on your own experience. We all have them. My Mum left Dad when I was 6, I don’t really remember. My step dad when I was 17, I do remember and it changed the course of my entire life. I went to a different uni, studied a different course. I’m happy with life now so it’s rounded off, but that took ten years to move past.

Any age is difficult. My Dad’s now divorced multiple times and I still find every interaction with a new wife as awkward as hell.

What I’m trying to say is:

any age sucks for a while
your daughter isn’t your sister
court will want to maintain contact with both parents.
you owe it to yourself and to your other children to be happy. In five years she will absolutely pick up on your relationship and it’ll be harder to maintain. All you’re doing is setting the future example for her of what a relationship looks like.

If she was 38 and having this conversation with you, what would your advice to her be?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/07/2023 06:23

I don't think you should be blaming your daughter here.

You're trapped in your marriage because of you. No one else.

mildlydispeptic · 10/07/2023 07:13

All you’re doing is setting the future example for her of what a relationship looks like.

^ This!!! Whatever course you choose now is going to be hard, but don't use her as an excuse for staying in a toxic relationship.

Raininginmidjuly · 10/07/2023 07:16

I think @Xrays had a really interesting point of view and I’d be inclined to go with that.

Of course, no one can say for sure what will happen but I have to admit I do find the MN view of divorce a bit simplistic.

drpet49 · 10/07/2023 07:29

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/07/2023 06:23

I don't think you should be blaming your daughter here.

You're trapped in your marriage because of you. No one else.

This! Sort it out OP.

bumblebee2235 · 10/07/2023 07:35

Worriedandstuck5 · 09/07/2023 20:39

My fear is that he would poison her against me like what happened with my sister.
My mum saw less and less of her and she wasn't allowed to see her alone and then once my sister turned 18 she stopped all contact

Does he seem like the type to do that? My Ex had children from a previous relationship and despite their break up being due to her finding another man, they all co parented amazingly and it was very peaceful. Is there not a way it could be civil? I don't think (I hope) it's the norm to slander a child's father/mother to the child, I would hope most people aren't as cruel.

I was the same with my dad, he was grumpy and short tempered (perhaps similar to your DH?) it was more craving his affection as he was the hardest to get it from.. plus I saw my mum every day all day, dad not so much. It's like when kids suddenly make a beeline for a random family member.. change of scenery type thing 😂

Are you stressed atm and feeling insecure? I find kids can sense that and lean towards who feels more secure and strong (in emotion)

I worry about that bit, I'm always stressed whereas my partner never shows it, sometimes if I cuddle our daughter she screams harder but settles fine with her dad 😬 feel like I need to work on my confidence asap 😅

WilkinsonM · 10/07/2023 07:36

Would he really want 50/50 if he doesn't actually do much parenting? He would have to really step up.
I think your idea of waiting is a poor one. The longer it goes on (and the closer they are to being teenagers) the harder it will be.

MariaVT65 · 10/07/2023 07:40

Worriedandstuck5 · 09/07/2023 20:39

If he is going to try and poison, he will try and do it regardless of how old your DD is. This happened to me when my parents divorced and I was a teenager. The best thing you can do is separate and do it amicably, and if your child wants to stay with dad for a bit, don’t hold it against her. My dad never forgave me for moving in with my mum and we haven’t spoken since I was a teenager.

Original poster

Worriedandstuck5 · 10/07/2023 08:59

He doesn't do any of the practical looking after or life admin because I do that. But he also adores her just as much. He does give her attention in the form of cuddles. He doesn't really do anything else but he will cuddle her every day which she loves. He's told me that she is his favourite ( bad I know ) and that he loves her more than anyone in the world including me . I know that he would be devastated to be apart from her which is why he is still here now "putting up with me". This is what makes me think he would want her with him. He works from home so technically is able to do school runs etc although he doesn't do them at the moment

OP posts:

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