Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parental alienation

26 replies

wildlingtribe · 09/07/2023 19:17

Please give me some advice on this. Im absolutely gutted.

I feel like parental alienation is happening with my eldest child (13). With her Dad & his mother (she is the main instigator.

I don't know what to do. It's so out of her character and out the blue.

OP posts:
lalalalalullaby · 10/07/2023 06:39

What makes you think this is happening?

Pawpatrolsucks · 10/07/2023 06:40

Are they playing Disney dad?

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 10/07/2023 20:39

It's not even just Disney mode. He lives with his narc mum who played a huge role in the downfall of us. She is alienating my eldest.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildlingtribe · 10/07/2023 20:44

The four children live with me, there's a lot to this situation but the kids have seen and heard all the crap. And my eldest often spoke her honest truth about GM.
Didn't have a good word to say about her ways. And even the kids dad, but lately. Gift buying. She's had all their time and attention. The other three haven't had a look in really. She's refusing to come home. She's usually so so close to me. Always has been and her three siblings. We're a close family. I feel as though she doesn't want to risk the gift buying stopping if she comes home. But also a kid her age shouldn't be making this decision. He makes it worse by not putting limits or saying stuff from a parents view. He says "she doesn't want to come home" I said there's no reason why? Her GM is letting her download social media on her phone because I have time limits. - going against my word. Her dad doesn't sort this it out despite saying he agrees with me.

Honestly it's hard but if you knew the situation it's absolutely shocking that she's refusing to come home of all places and to the four people she adores. (She does her dad too but to be with the GM who she openly wished dead!! Months ago!!) i told her not to speak this way. But she always said she hated her and how much she annoys her. Now she's spending all her time with her!! And a bit her dad!!

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 10/07/2023 20:46

What do you mean by alienating though?

My ex accused me of parental alienation when DC started to refuse to go there for contact anymore.

Crunchingleaf · 10/07/2023 20:56

At your daughters age is she just trying to play you against the GM in order to get her own way…….push boundaries

Gingerkittykat · 10/07/2023 21:18

How long has she been there without coming home?

Radiodread · 10/07/2023 22:47

At 13, I think some social media is ok. You could allow it too rather than risk giving the narc MIL extra ammunition.

and then I think all you can do is tell your daughter that you’ll be there for her and her bedroom is always waiting etc.

if she is getting older and the younger ones are still very pre-teen she may be feeling out on a hormonal limb so may need some special mum and daughter time. Time for the littler ones to go to the ex and MIL for some quality time… don’t let them divide and conquer your family

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 12/07/2023 19:50

So to put in a short version.
We've not lived together for 2.5yrs.
The four kids live with me and go to him once a week and he does a couple of club runs mid week.

My eldest has been reluctant to go there a lot of the times. Has had strong opinions of him and especially his mother who he lives with.

The last 2-3 weeks have been a drastic turn around.
Gift buying, taking her places, takeaways, spoiling her, doing things with only her and not the siblings.spending time off school with the person she has said she hates... over spending time with me who she usually loves to spend time with.
Her body language is cold, she turns her phone off, doesn't answer her phone, and apparently is now talking about me to her dad and his mum (who she has spoken so much about in a negative way in the last 2 years).

She's not slept at home in 8 nights. Prior to that she was home for 2 nights (reluctantly) then before that she was there 5 nights.

I might add their home is closer to school for her. But this hasn't been the issue before and when I try and speak with her (because this is all so drastic) she says "I just like staying there"

With the two people who she has seen have been so hurtful towards me, haven't supported me and the kids at all, caused so much upset with lies. But she just says she enjoys being there.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildlingtribe · 12/07/2023 19:52

Exactly that.

I feel like the MiL and even their dad is dividing the family.

He will not parent her in the way that she needs. Boundaries. So he goes against what I say. (I've been the pain care giver and financial support for 2.5yr).

His mother played a huge part is us separating (which he refuses).

I'm so worried she is getting her claws into her.

She does this with certain family members.

Our other three don't get a look in.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildlingtribe · 13/07/2023 22:42

Bump? Sad

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 13/07/2023 22:53

have you ever figured out what’s going on with MIL? Narc? Overt? Covert? Anything like that?

That will help with what to expect and what might be best to do. Initial thoughts are that the novelty will likely wear off eventually but you could be in for a long ride. If you try to force her to come home it’s likely to push her further away. Could you tell her she’s welcome to stay there as much as she wants but set basic conditions (she attends school, she comes to your house one night or two nights per week). If she’s doing well at school and sticking to those rules then she can stay with him as much as she wants. If anything starts to slip she’ll need to come home.

IcedBananas · 13/07/2023 22:55

I know it’s really hard but at some stage she will have to decide her own opinion about them both and what kind of relationship she wants with them. The gifts won’t work forever.

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 17/07/2023 17:34

Definite narc. Manipulation, I've done my research into them.

I'm just at a loss for what to do.

OP posts:
Radiodread · 17/07/2023 22:11

I personally think you need to fight fire with fire here. Is there anyone else who can have the littlest three whilst you spend time alone with your eldest daughter?

She is a young teen and wants to distance from the current family dynamic, that's normal and healthy, she will be growing up and apart from the smaller children.

You can tell ehr plainly that you miss her company, and ask if there anything She'd really like to do without the little ones. And then make a real effort to make that happen. Does she want to have friends from school around, maybe? or for you to drop her and a friend somewhere where they can do their own thing, like cinema, out to a cafe, etc?

In the longer term, teach her about boundaries, show her love and real family values, and she will find her own way back to you all.

adriftabroad · 18/07/2023 11:40

My STBXH has NPD. He is frightening.

I kept my DD away as often as I could while always bigging him up to her, sending prepared food, clothes. Arranging things (short things) He basically did nothing for her and she really resisted seeing him. (We lived apart for much of the marriage)

DD is now 15. She has refused to see her father (and he has not tried) for 2 years. What shocked me is one of the main reasons she hates him is that he spent from dawn to dusk saying dreadful things about me.

He tried to get her to say I smoked for eg (I do not) he said I was an alcoholic, he said I wasmad. She said it made her feel so insecure and also disloyal to me and also he must be right as I never said a bad word against him. She said she used to hate me for a full hour after she got back from seeing him for the day.

Do consider your DD is feeling insecure like this, I would talk to her. She col be being made to feel unsafe in your care.

After 12 they can have their say, hence y delay in divorce and hence a big flag for me in your situation.

PS My STBXH has since been arrested and convicted for domestic abuse.

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 20/07/2023 22:53

It's three weeks now. I honestly don't know what to do. I know a phase may be part of it. 13.. but it's so worrying how things have changed in three weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
wildlingtribe · 23/07/2023 18:16

Bump. I can't get my head around it. She's completely frozen me out. I can't explain how alien this is.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 23/07/2023 19:15

You get her home and you talk to her. Now.

adriftabroad · 23/07/2023 19:16

Do not be bullied.

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 27/07/2023 16:19

She is home today. Reluctantly. :-(
She's being rude, ungrateful. We've been out for the day (as I had planned pre-summer holidays. But we're back home now and she is going on and on and on about not sleeping in "this house".

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 27/07/2023 19:54

It’s a tricky situation OP. If you push too hard you could lose her altogether. Right now do not talk about Ex or the mother in negative terms. She will feel some loyalty to them. Keep reinforcing that you love her no matter what and you will always have a place for her in the home.
She can’t lash out towards them but she can with you.

Original poster
wildlingtribe · 27/07/2023 23:10

I've just checked her phone, and she has been speaking so awfully about me to them both.

I honestly don't know why she hates me and here.

She text MIL saying she's been forced home, replied to her "stay strong" as if it's a hardship coming home to a loving devoted mother.

OP posts:
Songbirdd · 02/10/2023 22:22

Im going through the same thing

Lor10 · 27/10/2023 01:13

Me too….I feel your pain

Swipe left for the next trending thread