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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

H just took the kids out for the day

33 replies

howtocope · 08/07/2023 07:19

It's the first time I've been excluded and I feel broken hearted. I know they need to spend time with him. I'm glad, for the kids' sakes, that he's doing something with them. I just feel rejected. Kids are 17 and 20, so the plans for the day out were made without my involvement. DD just told me last night that they're all spending today together. I'm going to have to get used to this. Does it get any easier?

OP posts:
Aixellency · 08/07/2023 07:22

Are you living in separate households?

Either way, yes it will get easier. And whatever the reason you broke up, you’ll be able to enjoy time with your adult children free of relationship worries.

Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 07:42

Yes, we live separately. Sold the family home last year and have two flats now.

My sensible mind wants the kids to have a relationship with their father, but some part of me feels like it's a betrayal for them to choose to spend time with him when he's hurt me (and them) so much. I hate feeling like this but I don't know what to do with these emotions. Feeling devastated at being excluded.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 08/07/2023 07:46

I'm so sorry. The feelings of betrayal are normal OP. It's a feeling of how you can want to be around the person who stabbed me in the back. If it was anyone but their father they wouldn't. They'd be free to cut contact in solidarity with you. But for their own reasons they have decided they need their father, at least for now.

It will get easier. Try to nurture yourself and create or invest more in relationships that make you feel happy and supported. What can you do today to bring you some comfort?

starrynight21 · 08/07/2023 07:49

I think you need to stop using words like "excluded" and "betrayal" in this situation. You were not excluded or betrayed - you are separated and the rules are different now. Your kids have two parents and they are going to spend time with both of you at different times .

They don't have to check with you that it's OK, they are making their own relationship with him now . Your feelings about him are for you to deal with, you can't expect your kids to side with you and ignore him. Sorry but that's how it works.

I've been in this situation so yes I do know what it's like to know they are off having a day out with the ex. But you have to suck it up and move on with life.

Ragwort · 08/07/2023 07:53

Without wanting to sound too blunt are you saying your 17 & 20 year old have never done anything just with their Dad in all your years of marriage? Did you always have 'family outings'.? Surely it's pretty normal to do things separately?

I know it's easier said than done but you need to focus on yourself, use the time to do things you enjoy .. whether it's going for a walk, Art Gallery, meeting a friend for a coffee, volunteering etc?

Clementineorsatsuma · 08/07/2023 07:54

howtocope · 08/07/2023 07:42

Yes, we live separately. Sold the family home last year and have two flats now.

My sensible mind wants the kids to have a relationship with their father, but some part of me feels like it's a betrayal for them to choose to spend time with him when he's hurt me (and them) so much. I hate feeling like this but I don't know what to do with these emotions. Feeling devastated at being excluded.

Mine were 8, 7 and 4 when this first happened. Spending the day with their dad and his new woman (my friend that he ran off with). I was devastated, and spent the day wandering aimlessly, and all I could see were happy families.
But it DID get better, and my now adult children are well adjusted and have good relationships with both of us.
It will get better.

BigFatLiar · 08/07/2023 08:00

At 17 and 20 they're not really children they're young adults. When ours were 20 some weekends we hardly saw them.

Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 08:03

I know I need to suck it up. That's exactly what I've been doing externally. Just hate the feelings that im having and want to deal with them honestly.

It's been very rare, but the DC have done things with just their father before. He rarely took the initiative though. It was always me organising it. If he did organise something I was always invited, but sometimes chose not to go. This is the first time that I wasn't involved or invited. The weird thing is that I've been wishing he would spend time with the kids! I just felt blindsided when it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 08:06

Clementine, I can't imagine how I'd feel if there was another woman with them. I'm so sorry you went through that. You're amazing for getting through it.

OP posts:
Clytemnestra21 · 08/07/2023 08:14

Another one here with this happening. Mine were 6 and 11 when it started. Not just days out but every other weekend and holidays with the affair partner. Days out with ex's siblings (who have all ghosted me) and the children's cousins. Happens every other weekend.

It's still excruciating. I know what you mean about the part of you that experiences it as a betrayal. These are your children, your family, participating in a situation that hurts you. I think the more dishonest and hurtful your ex was in the split the more it hurts being left behind and the children going with them. The split for me was traumatic- the breaking up of my family and revelations of his dishonesty- when the children go with him and the affair partner there's some part of me that relives the shock and heartbreak a little bit each time. I hate to think of my children forming a relationship with the ow who was a bad actor in their lives before she even met them. It takes every ounce of effort to try to let them go with ex and ow but I tell myself it's important for them to have time with their father and part of that is being part of his new life. Doesn't help though that he doesn't really centre their lives and activities . The kids are just so desperate to please him- I think they're scared of losing him. So yes, it's their childhood and they need to feel loved by him and spend time with him and I have to support it for their sakes - it's a pain I'll have to bear for the rest of my life for the sake of my children.

Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 08:23

Clytemnestra, you're so right about the kids being afraid of losing their father. My H doesn't centre his life on the children either. He chose to live in a 1 bed flat. When he recently bought a new sofa, he didn't even get a sofa bed so a DC could stay over. H and DS often bonded watching football but H got rid of his TV when he moved. The activity they're doing today is something H enjoys. He's not making space for the kids, he's not even meeting them halfway.

I guess some of my upset is that I fear he's going to hurt the DC the way he's hurt me and I wish I could spare them that.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 08:30

And if I'm being completely honest, I have an irrational fear that they'll be in a horrific accident while they're out and H will 'take away' everything that makes my life worth living. I know that's ridiculous, but it's the shit that's going through my head this morning.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 08/07/2023 09:43

I’m going to sound blunt
but they’re adults ( counting 17 yo)
they are independent and should be
why only earth would going out with their father for a day be a problem.
It’s not a betrayal fgs.
whatever goes on between you and your ex is between you as husband and wife, not between your children and you should keep them
out of it even at this age. Their relationship with their dad is completely separate from yours

in all honesty you need to pull yourself together

millymollymoomoo · 08/07/2023 09:46

Oh and the way you write about them - like they are toddiers or something - you are infantilising them. stop
they are grown up and can make their own decisions without guilt.

get help for your anxiety.

Maddy70 · 08/07/2023 09:46

It's really tough for you. You need to change your thinking around this.

Look forward to them having time with him. Treat this as a day for you without any responsibility. Go and meet a friend for coffee or. Lunch.

Your kids love their dad as much as they love you and will want to spend time with him

Be happy for them. But be happy for you that you have this free time to enjoy

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2023 09:49

@millymollymoomoo OP is talking about it here precisely so she doesn’t talk about it with her kids. That’s a perfectly fine coping strategy.

KittySmith1986 · 08/07/2023 09:51

I remember sobbing the first few times this happened. Yes, you get used to it. Eventually you start to enjoy it.

KittySmith1986 · 08/07/2023 09:58

millymollymoomoo · 08/07/2023 09:43

I’m going to sound blunt
but they’re adults ( counting 17 yo)
they are independent and should be
why only earth would going out with their father for a day be a problem.
It’s not a betrayal fgs.
whatever goes on between you and your ex is between you as husband and wife, not between your children and you should keep them
out of it even at this age. Their relationship with their dad is completely separate from yours

in all honesty you need to pull yourself together

I hope you ignore this pointless, unkind and unhelpful advice OP!

millymollymoomoo · 08/07/2023 10:15

It’s not unkind

noone is doing the op any favours by telling her otherwise

Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 10:41

Pulling myself together is exactly what I'm trying to do. I haven't expressed any of this to anyone else. In the past, I found Mumsnet to be a supportive, understanding place. I'm grieving and today the depth of my grief has knocked me for six. I thought I was coping well. Reading the books, getting my shit together, being kind to myself, etc, etc. Then today, when something that is objectively positive has happened, I can't stop crying. I don't understand my own emotions.

And for the record, I see a counselor and take sertraline.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 08/07/2023 10:52

howtocope · 08/07/2023 10:41

Pulling myself together is exactly what I'm trying to do. I haven't expressed any of this to anyone else. In the past, I found Mumsnet to be a supportive, understanding place. I'm grieving and today the depth of my grief has knocked me for six. I thought I was coping well. Reading the books, getting my shit together, being kind to myself, etc, etc. Then today, when something that is objectively positive has happened, I can't stop crying. I don't understand my own emotions.

And for the record, I see a counselor and take sertraline.

Your feelings are normal and natural. You're grieving the life you thought you were going to have and sometimes certain events bring it all into sharp focus. Be extra nice to yourself today, vent here or in a journal. Make notes on how you're feeling to take to a trusted counsellor. Ignore any idiot trying the pull yourself together approach. Your life has moved on. Occasionally there will be sharp days and this is one of them. Save the pulling yourself together approach for the other days x

Sewingdufus · 08/07/2023 11:02

I think your reaction is understandable.

Rather than thinking of them all being together can you reframe it to be time for you. Don’t stay home and brood, get out and make the most of the time. Try to plan ahead (if you have notice of what’s happening) do what you enjoy - seeing friends, spa day, shopping, hobbies.

Soonenough · 08/07/2023 11:06

@howtocope I totally understand how you feel. Mine were even older and he rarely if ever did anything with them that I didn't organise.
Because they were older and were aware of the really deceitful things, destroying our family, I expected them to reject him. I know , I know the rational thing is to be accepting and encouraging. But I don't always feel that calm and collected. I feel hurt and betrayed all over again. And it is OK to feel like this . It will pass and as long as the kids don't realise it , you are entitled to feel this way.
That is why Mumsnet exists , to be able to discuss the sometimes unhappy parts of separation and divorce . And know you are not alone.
💐

Original poster
howtocope · 08/07/2023 11:18

Thank you so much. I'm going to take myself out for the day. Otherwise I'm just knocking around in the flat, waiting for DD to come home. The brooding is definitely not helping.

I think part of the problem is that I've been so focussed on H and DCs and their happiness for so long that I have no idea what brings me joy. I need to find things that are just for me, Will start with a nice lunch somewhere.

So glad that Mumsnet can still be a supportive place. It has helped me more times than I can count.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/07/2023 11:34

*Then today, when something that is objectively positive has happened, I can't stop crying. I don't understand my own emotions.

I've been so focussed on H and DCs and their happiness for so long that I have no idea what brings me joy*

Totally understandable emotional reaction.

You have been holding it all together for your precious DC and now a part of your brain has spotted that it's not all on you, so the part holding it all in can ease off a bit, set the burden down for a moment.

And it all floods out, familiar and unfamiliar feelings that you have just had to put on hold while sorting everything else out, putting yourself last.

Now, you can pay attention to your needs and wants snd, yes, it's terrifying.

This is the start of a new chapter for you. In good time, you can start to pick up the pieces and look for the joy in your life.

For today, though, I'd be tempted to explore things you would usually never consider. Naughty things.

Spend the afternoon verging out in the sofa watching old reruns of slushy movies. Or rereading favourite old books. Pretty much everything will be on YouTube or something.

For me, the entire Anne of Green Gables series (l m Montgomery). Predictable, safe, nothing totally bad happens so you can really let go) is the perfect excuse to sob my heart out while gorging on sickly chocolates. Fish and chips. Anything you usually deny yourself, offer your self a taste just to establish whether it really is what you fancy right now.

Or dress up and go and have a cocktail in a smart London hotel.

Or whatever you fancy right now.

No need to take any consideration further than a few hours ahead.

Take it easy on yourself. Things really will get better from here onwards. All the best.