H just took the kids out for the day

[howtocope]

It's the first time I've been excluded and I feel broken hearted. I know they need to spend time with him. I'm glad, for the kids' sakes, that he's doing something with them. I just feel rejected. Kids are 17 and 20, so the plans for the day out were made without my involvement. DD just told me last night that they're all spending today together. I'm going to have to get used to this. Does it get any easier?

It’s so hard the first few times and it doesn’t matter who or why you spilt up, it’s still that feeling that they’re going on to live their lives without you and that’s a difficult thing to grapple with.

I cried my eyes out the first couple of nights my DCs were away with their dad. But then I started to arrange evenings out with friends and eventually dates and then even when I had nothing on, I relished just being able to switch off entirely, eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted and have nobody needing anything from me!

You’ll come to enjoy the time off, even though they’re older and don’t need you in the same way, just having to think about someone else is mental work (as you’ve found, work your STBXH is not interested in doing!)

And the good news is that they’re old enough to come to their own conclusions about him, decide how much time they want to spend there and walk away if they don’t like it.

Honestly the idea that something will happen to them all while they’re out of the house is just part of having teens - two of mine drive now (one on motorbikes) and I constantly fear something bad happening when they’re out for the evening etc. but it’s just part of being a mum - having your heart on the outside of your body and in someone else’s!

You know you’ve done the right things by your DCs and that’s all you can do - now you need to focus on yourself too.

I remember the first time and it was really hard waiting until they got back and resisting the temptation to ask about their day.

It gets easier. Mentally it's like them going out to see friends. You don't know what they are going to do or what time they may come home but it's the weekend so their leisure time is up to them.

And I agree about treating yourself. I popped out to run some errands this morning and decided on a whim to have a nice breakfast in a hotel I passed. Totally unnecessary but if I’m not being taken on dates at the moment I’m going to date myself!

FinallyHere · Today 11:34
Then today, when something that is objectively positive has happened, I can't stop crying. I don't understand my own emotions.

I've been so focussed on H and DCs and their happiness for so long that I have no idea what brings me joy

Totally understandable emotional reaction.

You have been holding it all together for your precious DC and now a part of your brain has spotted that it's not all on you, so the part holding it all in can ease off a bit, set the burden down for a moment.

And it all floods out, familiar and unfamiliar feelings that you have just had to put on hold while sorting everything else out, putting yourself last.

Now, you can pay attention to your needs and wants snd, yes, it's terrifying.

This is the start of a new chapter for you. In good time, you can start to pick up the pieces and look for the joy in your life.

For today, though, I'd be tempted to explore things you would usually never consider. Naughty things.

Spend the afternoon verging out in the sofa watching old reruns of slushy movies. Or rereading favourite old books. Pretty much everything will be on YouTube or something.

For me, the entire Anne of Green Gables series (l m Montgomery). Predictable, safe, nothing totally bad happens so you can really let go) is the perfect excuse to sob my heart out while gorging on sickly chocolates. Fish and chips. Anything you usually deny yourself, offer your self a taste just to establish whether it really is what you fancy right now.

Or dress up and go and have a cocktail in a smart London hotel.

Or whatever you fancy right now.

No need to take any consideration further than a few hours ahead.

Take it easy on yourself. Things really will get better from here onwards. All the best.

This ^ very wise..

This

How was yesterday @howtocope Did you manage to get out?

Thank for checking, Icyhot. Yes, I did. I had a nice lunch out and got some work done. I think, in the end, I felt better for letting a lot of the emotion out.

Squirrelnutkin, you're exactly right. I've been keeping it all together for months. I feel much lighter now that some of the pressure has been released. I took a long shower, sat down in the tub and allowed myself to cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Then I got dressed and went out.

The weird thing was that DD was home by 1.00. I guess H had enough and cut the day short.

Bless your heart op. Sometimes you just have to let it all out and just let it go, even for just a moment or two.