Hi, I feel so confused about my marriage. We have been together for over 10 years and married 4 years. We have a 2yo.
I feel unloved - yet he says he loves me, despite me wanting to split a few times he's tried to keep us together possible underlying reasons read on
Facts about my husband
- His mission in life is to make lots of money so he doesn't live an 'average life' but up to now has never had any money.
- He quit his job 4 years ago, went back to uni (funded by me) for 2 years, then upon our child being born started a PHD in a city 3 hours from our family home, the salary for the PhD was £15k tax free, he then quit that half way through to get a job for £25k at the other end of the country, then after 4 months got a job in Australia for circa £60k - so a huge pay rise.
- When pregnant he was not excited about the baby, worried about money, his own career...he wasn't particularly nice to me but wasn't awful either.
- After the birth I wanted to stay in our family home, he insisted we move with him to location of phd. I agreed, we had a huge argument, he kicked me out one evening with our 4 month old and 2 dogs. Some strangers help me and I return on a train. We make amends (most people thought i was crazy - he thought I was the crazy one and didn't want to be with him because I didn't want to move - basically he was never helpful in our home, hated our dogs, disengaged during pregnancy, just whole load of things that anyone would find unacceptable - yet I have stayed because there is good/nice moments between the rubbish, plus he has a way with words that make me 'get his point'). So we make amends but I stay living with friends until yhe tenants move out - spent my whole maternity leave with friends and back and forth visiting husband - and he visits us almost every weekend (I'd go there every 3rd or 4th week), then we get our house back and this back and forth continues for a year - showing his commitment....?
- Now the job in Australia. We have been living here for 4 months and I feel unloved. I've spoken to him and he says he can't give anymore. He says he loves us and is able to give examples, like travelling back every weekend, wanting to keep us together even when I wanted to split up, buying me food without me asking him to, asking me to meet him for lunch once or twice per week.
- My issue. He has taken on so much work. He is currently working 6 days a week (it was 5 days). In the 4 months weve been in Oz he hasn't bathed our son once. He has never taken him out on his own eg to park eventhough I've suggested it. When he does come out with us he is half present e..g. Where's head phones or is playing game on his phone. He actually lost our son in the shopping mall when I went off to get some shopping, he apologised but blamed our son for being 'too quick' - I didn't say much because he gets angry if I challenge him. He expects his dinner made (fair he's out all day and I WFH) but the expectation upsets me and if he eats later than expected he makes a deal out of it, if he doesn't like the dinner I've made he tells me, there was dirt on his jumper and he showed it to me and chucked it across the floor aggressively.
- Raising the issue. He is defensive. Says I'm needy. Says he is working so much for our future.
- Return to UK. I'm coming back to uk in 4 weeks with my son. I still work for company in Europe - main reason for trip. He says I should just go back to the UK with our son and stay. Eventhough he says he loves us. He says I don't. I do love him and can see he is now contributing financially after years of never paying a single bill towards our family home and he does love our son in small bouts. He admits he can't handle son in big quantities (son is extremely active and absolutely fantastic fun imo).
- He has cut his parents out (his dad speaks to his mum like crap but is practically v helpful unlike my OH who does no DIY).
- He doesn't speak to his mum because his dad and her share a Facebook account and he doesn't want him reading her messages.
- I am still in touch with them. and they will have son for nearly 2 weeks when I come back to uk so I can go abroad for my work trip. so they are very helpful.
Is it worth stating in this relationship with his promise of a 'great' life in the future....Australia is fantastic but v far away...does he love us...do we just have different ways of needing / showing love...I feel so confused and unable to think straight because this is such a huge decision...finally when he does play with our son he does a brilliant job but it is in such small amounts xx