Husband says he loves us but I do not feel it - can't think straight as would be splitting up between UK and Australia

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

Hi, I feel so confused about my marriage. We have been together for over 10 years and married 4 years. We have a 2yo.

I feel unloved - yet he says he loves me, despite me wanting to split a few times he's tried to keep us together possible underlying reasons read on

Facts about my husband

• His mission in life is to make lots of money so he doesn't live an 'average life' but up to now has never had any money.

• He quit his job 4 years ago, went back to uni (funded by me) for 2 years, then upon our child being born started a PHD in a city 3 hours from our family home, the salary for the PhD was £15k tax free, he then quit that half way through to get a job for £25k at the other end of the country, then after 4 months got a job in Australia for circa £60k - so a huge pay rise.

• When pregnant he was not excited about the baby, worried about money, his own career...he wasn't particularly nice to me but wasn't awful either.

• After the birth I wanted to stay in our family home, he insisted we move with him to location of phd. I agreed, we had a huge argument, he kicked me out one evening with our 4 month old and 2 dogs. Some strangers help me and I return on a train. We make amends (most people thought i was crazy - he thought I was the crazy one and didn't want to be with him because I didn't want to move - basically he was never helpful in our home, hated our dogs, disengaged during pregnancy, just whole load of things that anyone would find unacceptable - yet I have stayed because there is good/nice moments between the rubbish, plus he has a way with words that make me 'get his point'). So we make amends but I stay living with friends until yhe tenants move out - spent my whole maternity leave with friends and back and forth visiting husband - and he visits us almost every weekend (I'd go there every 3rd or 4th week), then we get our house back and this back and forth continues for a year - showing his commitment....?

• Now the job in Australia. We have been living here for 4 months and I feel unloved. I've spoken to him and he says he can't give anymore. He says he loves us and is able to give examples, like travelling back every weekend, wanting to keep us together even when I wanted to split up, buying me food without me asking him to, asking me to meet him for lunch once or twice per week.

• My issue. He has taken on so much work. He is currently working 6 days a week (it was 5 days). In the 4 months weve been in Oz he hasn't bathed our son once. He has never taken him out on his own eg to park eventhough I've suggested it. When he does come out with us he is half present e..g. Where's head phones or is playing game on his phone. He actually lost our son in the shopping mall when I went off to get some shopping, he apologised but blamed our son for being 'too quick' - I didn't say much because he gets angry if I challenge him. He expects his dinner made (fair he's out all day and I WFH) but the expectation upsets me and if he eats later than expected he makes a deal out of it, if he doesn't like the dinner I've made he tells me, there was dirt on his jumper and he showed it to me and chucked it across the floor aggressively.

• Raising the issue. He is defensive. Says I'm needy. Says he is working so much for our future.

• Return to UK. I'm coming back to uk in 4 weeks with my son. I still work for company in Europe - main reason for trip. He says I should just go back to the UK with our son and stay. Eventhough he says he loves us. He says I don't. I do love him and can see he is now contributing financially after years of never paying a single bill towards our family home and he does love our son in small bouts. He admits he can't handle son in big quantities (son is extremely active and absolutely fantastic fun imo).

• He has cut his parents out (his dad speaks to his mum like crap but is practically v helpful unlike my OH who does no DIY).

• He doesn't speak to his mum because his dad and her share a Facebook account and he doesn't want him reading her messages.

• I am still in touch with them. and they will have son for nearly 2 weeks when I come back to uk so I can go abroad for my work trip. so they are very helpful.

Is it worth stating in this relationship with his promise of a 'great' life in the future....Australia is fantastic but v far away...does he love us...do we just have different ways of needing / showing love...I feel so confused and unable to think straight because this is such a huge decision...finally when he does play with our son he does a brilliant job but it is in such small amounts xx

He's a selfish asshole.

Leave him and focus on yourself and your child's needs - because he won't.

Honestly read your post back to yourself.

The answer here is obvious.

Your poor thing, he's done a real number on you hasn't he? You're deeply unhappy, you're the one making all the effort, yet he's twisted things around so you feel like you're the problem.

Honestly, from an outsider's perspective it's pretty clear, this man is not who you want him to be and never will be.

I'll add that he wants to go on a 1 or 2 week holiday on his own after this bout of intense work ends, which pretty much coincides with my/sons trip back from the UK. So we won't see eachother for 5 weeks when we're away. Ps. I've had to take son with me because husbands work doesnt accommodate son.
I was shocked by his holiday suggestion and he said, what's that face for, horribly, twice, so I didn't say anything. I raised it with him the next day and said I'd have liked to go there with him and he said but if son is there too it won't be a rest and he will need that after all the work he is doing but it's something we can think about...AIBU?

@Seddon I am worried he is taking advantage of me and I haven't been able to see it. I'd say I'm extremely forgiving and accepting and therefore get confused quite easily. Not that I'm stupid but this man knows how to frame EVERYTHING to state he is correct. If I didn't raise any issues I think he would be happy to carry on but he says he is done with me raising issues but I can't help myself...

@BreadInCaptivity thank you for validating my feelings ❤ I'm worried as essentially if I move back I'm denying my son of his father.

That he's even more selfish than I thought after your first post....

He's a nasty piece of work.

Manipulative, self absorbed and cruel.

You won't change him by staying. You'll just justify (to him) that his poor treatment of you and your child gets the outcomes he wants.

Make a choice. A lifetime of the same or a new life free of this bastard for you and your child (because he will fuck your child up too you realise).

He's not a good father though is he.

You are not taking away something positive from your child.

You'd be protecting him from something negative.

Come back to the UK and stay.

Your child can have positive paternal family contact through your in laws by the sound of it.

From your posts, it’s clear that you don’t feel loved and you feel like you’ve been forced to move with him several times, only to be told to just move back to the UK because ‘you don’t love him enough’ (putting the blame on you)

You need either counselling or leave him. However I don’t know how it works now that you both live in Oz, if you were to divorce he might fight you for your son’s custody and he might have to remain in Oz? Worth looking into it and chatting to a lawyer before you make up your mind

Leave him while you still have permission to leave Australia with your child. The laws are incredibly strict and you could be stuck there forever.

Absolutely.

You have a window to leave with your work trip.

Use it.

Don't return and start divorce proceedings as soon as you get back to the UK.

You sound very unhappy in this relationship, OP, and he sounds like a shit husband and father

This, take the opportunity while you can and get him to write a letter saying you are returning to the UK with son with his permission, in case you get asked at the airport.

He is unable to be the partner you want and need, he is selfish and doesn't have it in him. Your son will not be missing out.

They're not going to ask at the airport. Single parents leave the country with their kids all the time.

But ince she's left, if they had set up residence in Australia he could apply to have the child returned under the Hague convention if he changes his mind. I'd be getting legal advice on that.

Why don't you go on the holiday with him for at least half the trip and leave your son with his grandparents, or take him with you.
It was never going to be easy (time wise) in Aust. at the very start of a new job that he was getting into.
Wow, you have had a fractious and unsettled life.

It will be interesting to see how you all go once you are settled together for more than six months.
I would give a settled life about a year to see if your husband can moderate his emotions, expectations of you and be more generous and predictable with his family time - ie four nights per week at home for bath and dinner, helping with chores, supportive of your career and allowing for some time alone (babysitter) once per week.

With so much turmoil and change you have not had a serious chance to maintain or set routines.

OK, when I was a single parent I needed to provide letters for the airport when DC"s father took DC on holiday. That was close to 20 years ago though and more 'just in case'. It's better to have a letter and not need it, than need it and not have it.

Definitely see a lawyer when you are back in UK

Thanks everyone really appreciate your comments. I know about the Haugue convention. I will get a letter from him before I go to the UK. I could give it more time but am I just kidding myself things will settle after so much time has passed already...

If you've only been in Australia for 4 months you shouldn't have much problems returning to the UK, but a letter would be useful.

Going in reverse at no point was I ever asked if I had my DSs' father's permission to move with the boys. Not when booking tickets, not at the airport, not at immigration, not enrolling them into school, not signing them up at a GP, not at sporting clubs. I just kept father's details blank. In the 4 years not a single agency, authority or person has raised it.

My ex did provide a letter, giving me permission just in case, and would not have been in a position to mount a legal challenge, but I wanted to be safe.

If he's giving you permission, bite his hand off.

He could decide to split up but keep his son there and fight in the courts to make that happen. Run if you can.

And stop accepting crumbs from arseholes.

Jump on the plane with your son and go. He sounds like a dreadful father and husband and unlikely to put time and resources into a custody battle.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra that's good to know thanks and well done on braving that! How are your boys doing without their dad? How do you feel 4 years on...?

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks. Do you think him saying he's working hard for our future to be rubbish? He also says he need to do it for himself (fair and good to have own motivation). I don't know if its just one big excuse not to be present, or present as much as I expect. We do stuff together but like I wrote he is not fully there I.e. lie down on beach with head phones in whilst I play with son, and this goes on for majority of the time we're there. As one example.

OP, I completely understand why you are feeling so confused. It sounds like your husband is - consciously or otherwise - extremely selfish and manipulative and has no problem in taking advantage of your patience and generosity. It also sounds like you realise his attitudes and behaviours are completely unacceptable (kicking you out with a baby and two dogs?! arranging a solo holiday?!), but have been living in hope that this will change.

My strongest advice is that you need to get back to the UK, with your child, and spend some extended time away from him. I think you can see intellectually what is happening, but between the isolation, exhaustion and hopium, you cannot get the time and emotional distance to process all this and what you need to do. The UK will give you that time and distance. You don't need to make an immediate decision if you're not ready yet. If that's the case, I'd suggest you find stable accommodation and a good therapist. If, on the other hand, you want to leave him but want confirmation that this is a reasonable thing to do, then I'd say - 100%, yes. He's behaved like a complete shitbag. It sounds like he makes decisions without properly consulting you, prioritises his own needs and desires (albeit under the pretext that he's doing things "for the family") and then accuses YOU of being needy. He's deflecting and quite like gaslighting too. It's totally fair enough to decide you don't want that stuff in your life anymore!

@Autumnisbeautiful1 - the boys probably talk to their father more now than they ever did when we were together. Interestingly though a lot of it is inane crap - like really detailed play by play of an online game. But then they won't even mention some important school information. They make absolutely no mention of wanting to go back to the UK and know their lives are so much better with me, and without him.

But I am 100% involved in what they do, I take them to sports and watch their games (not all parents do at this age, and it's cricket so loooong games....lol) pay for additional off season training, have supported them in getting part time jobs (I did as a teenager, he didn't). Boys and I are and always have been super close because of his lack of involvement.

When DS1 gets home from school he stands in my doorway and just talks to me for a good 30 minutes about stuff. DS2 and I will cuddle on the sofa and watch shows together. Even now if he's not feeling well it is upset DS2 will crawl into bed with me - he NEVER did that when I was still with my ex.

Both of them talk quite openly on front of me and I hear lots of their conversations with their father and their friends so I do feel I have a pretty good insight as to how they're feeling.

I suspect your DS would be the same.

Get away from him and don't hesitate. He is not good for either of you. Any more time spent with that narcissist is not going to be beneficial.

You are not denying your son a father, your husband already denies his son when he has him.

I 100% agree with @Seddon on this. He's done an almighty number on you. It's time to end this and go make a happy life for yourself and your son. Your husband is a very selfish man and you deserve so much more. As does your son.