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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this normal? Divorce…silent treatment

34 replies

Sadandbroken1 · 23/06/2023 11:01

Going through a divorce. Still in the same house while finances are resolved. STBXH ignores me completely. Won’t even talk to me in public (e.g. at parents evening) or in front of the children (primary age). He won’t even look at me. This has been going on for a year.

AIBU to think this isn’t normal? I assumed we would at least be able to be civil for the kids, but maybe I was just being naive and this is what happens when you divorce.

I feel completely broken by it, but maybe I have brought it on myself.

So as not to drip feed, I filed for divorce because I couldn’t take the stonewalling, being blamed for everything, being told I was a bad mum. I would expect he would say (because this is what he said in counselling before I filed that I am a bully/abuser/have been awful for years). I don’t think he’s right but can’t seem to stop doubting myself.

OP posts:
LL1991 · 23/06/2023 11:05

Hi, ex family law paralegal here. Completely normal! Especially if they showed petulant behaviour before filing! Even couples who go into it promising to keep a good relationship have bumps along the way, the divorce process is incredibly thought provoking and often leads to bad behaviour on at least one side!
Persevere, it sounds like you are doing the right thing given his past behaviour towards you.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/06/2023 11:06

I'm not defending him but getting over divorce is much easier once you live in different homes to your ex. The months between ex and I splitting and him moving out were unbelievably stressful and difficult. Obviously there's a chance that he'll continue this after he moves into his new home but you'll know how likely that is.

It can't be pleasant for the kids living in that atmosphere either. Hope that the financials can be sorted sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 23/06/2023 11:22

I just struggle with the idea that what I was told was emotionally abusive behaviour (stonewalling, silent treatment) before we separated is now just par for the course and no one cares how awful it is to live in this environment. People tell you to end a toxic relationship and then when you do and it gets worse, you are stuck with it because maybe I deserve it for starting the divorce.

OP posts:
onefinemess · 23/06/2023 11:23

He's protecting both of you, you should be thankful. He's avoiding any unnecessary conflict, keeping things civil and not putting you both into a position where things might be said in anger which could later be used in court.

You started the divorce, so you have to accept some sort of reaction from him. This is the best possible scenario, do you want to have daily screaming sessions?

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 23/06/2023 11:29

I don’t want daily screaming contests. It was never like that. I would like to be able to have a civil conversation about practical things around the children, that’s all. Surely that’s a better scenario that one where he won’t ever even look at me.

He used to give me the silent treatment for weeks sometimes before the divorce. I thought that wasn’t ok, but maybe I should have been thankful.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 23/06/2023 11:31

It is not right that he ignores you in front of the children and doesn’t give a shit about their wellbeing.

Raquelos · 23/06/2023 11:33

That sounds incredibly hard on you OP and he sounds awful. To protect your own mental health can you try and mentally erase him and any expectations you have of him behaving like a normal human being? Operate around him with no expectation of any interaction. That way if he is using this behaviour to punish and upset you (rather than to protect himself which is what he may claim) he loses the power of creating a sad or upset reaction in you. Best of luck.

Raquelos · 23/06/2023 11:36

Just saw your last post. If he has form for this it is just an abusive way of trying to control and punish you. It relies on you caring and trying to be reasonable and then feeling upset or cross. If you can stop reacting you take his power away.

He sounds like a total dick, good luck with getting him out of your life

Dotjones · 23/06/2023 11:36

I think YABU to expect him to become a better person to live with after you've filed for a divorce, which seems to be your idea. Why on earth would someone who behaved so poorly beforehand suddenly become "civil" now they know you're ending the relationship?

Really your only answer is to live separately. If he won't leave you can, and can take the kids with you. Yes this might not be financially viable but it's your only way to get out of this situation.

onefinemess · 23/06/2023 11:40

OP, you started the divorce. From his point of view, you are the one who is going to take his house, his children, and his money away. And you will do all of those things. So, to expect him to just accept that, like some sort of doormat you wipe your feet on, is a bit much.

He's just ignoring you, he can't react any other way, so he has chosen the less reactive option.

Isheabastard · 23/06/2023 11:56

I am divorcing and after spending 9 months sharing the marital home, I have finally moved out. I instigated the divorce. We have adult Dc who live in their own home.

I realised that when you are divorcing, the behaviours that caused you to want to separate, ramp up. Bloody obviously really. So in your case the stonewalling has gone into overdrive.

I would probably be accused of stonewalling by my ex. But he is a bully who likes to get his own way and has to win every argument. When we were still in the family home he would harangue me (don’t get a solicitor, don’t do a pension valuation), and would follow me around the house telling me what I ‘must’ do. My only option was to not engage.

It doesn’t sound like that is why your ex to be is stonewalling you, but it’s still his go to behaviour.

I can’t tell you how lovely it is to have my own front door that I can shut on my stbxh when he turns up and starts telling me what I should or shouldnt be doing. I appreciate moving out is not always possible or even advised.

Nordicrain · 23/06/2023 11:59

Have you posted about this before?

I would prioritise working out separate living arrangements sooner rather than later, this will be incredibly bad for your children to live in. I know that's not your fault, but it will be awful for them to witness.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/06/2023 12:00

OP have you considered emailing or texting ex? It's common to feel angry about divorce and a lot easier to be angry than sad. Abusive people rarely look back on their behaviour and change. It was always unlikely that he'd start being reasonable and friendly. Texting or emailing is more impersonal and business like so works well in difficult and acrimonious situations.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/06/2023 12:04

If you've been here a while you may be aware that it's common for nasty behaviour to escalate at points like new partner, new baby, first Christmas post divorce, first birthday post divorce, first meeting of kids and new partner etc
It's still better that you divorced because life is too short. You both deserve to be happy and it's clear that you can't be happy together.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/06/2023 12:06

It is completely normal. Unpleasant, but very normal. It's very hard to maintain cordial relationships in the thick of divorce proceedings.

You really need to prioritise living separately OP. I'm sure it's not easy but it's not going to improve until you are under separate rooves.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 23/06/2023 12:15

My experience of living with STBX was also horrible - I got "need to talk" ranting and name calling in a loud hiss so the children wouldn't hear (they could and did), huffing and sighing, him 'disappearing' to the bedroom leaving empty pill bottles in the bathroom for me to find (he thought I'd be stupid enough to think he'd really attempt suicide), chest pains etc etc etc. I lost 2 stone in the 14 months before we managed to sell and split.

With the benefit of hindsight, it would have been cheaper for me to rent somewhere for those 14 months and get some distance than to spend vast quantities of solicitor money jumping through hoops trying to get him to agree divorce terms.

If you can arrange to separate, really, it will be so well worth it.

Comtesse · 23/06/2023 14:15

sounds horrible for you and the children

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 23/06/2023 15:02

Just to flip this though, if I had a friend who had no choice but to remain living with a person who they felt had previously been bullying/abusive to them, I’d suggest to them to try this grey rock technique.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 23/06/2023 15:35

It’s not grey rock though. Grey rock would be fine.

(I also think the accusations of abuse are DARVO, but obviously I understand no one here can know what has gone on!)

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 23/06/2023 15:39

pretty common advice on here while doing that horrible bit when you’re separated but forced to share a house, is to not talk unless necessary (regarding kids and practicalities)

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 23/06/2023 15:45

FloydPepper · 23/06/2023 15:39

pretty common advice on here while doing that horrible bit when you’re separated but forced to share a house, is to not talk unless necessary (regarding kids and practicalities)

That would be fine. This is not talking to me at all.

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 23/06/2023 16:47

That sounds awful. Your mental health can't take that surely? Move out, do whatever it takes to get out of there!

SybilWrites · 23/06/2023 16:51

I don't agree that it's totally normal. It seems to me that he's just continuing the abuse that he gave before you filed for divorce.

Stonewalling is not normal! And this is hugely damaging the children if they have to live with it.

OhComeOnFFS · 23/06/2023 16:53

I don't think that's normal behaviour - it's abusive. He's trying to punish you for divorcing him. Instead of showing you his best side in the hope you change your mind, he's showing the darkest nastiest side of him. When will you be able to live separately? It sounds so miserable.

BobLemon · 23/06/2023 18:36

By the time my ex and I were separated-but-living-together, “civil conversation about practical things” had me screaming internally, ready to stick pins in my eyes kinda feels. The amount of “we need to chat about”, the “we need to have a conversation about” I refused to engage with… and what do you know, the world carried on turning and life went on without having had that “civil conversation”. I know I’m massively projecting, but not even being able to look at someone you share a house with feels familiar.