Have I done wrong ?

Sallyxox · 2023-06-23T08:43:22+00:00

So me and hubs ended, he left me and there was a lot of limbo him wanting to be friends etc. anyway nearly 2 weeks ago I divided to cut it off and basically just be in contact about little one and nothing else, went out when he came to see her to which he kicked off about (no idea why) anyway since that he seems to basically have distanced himself from little one, saw her Monday for 20 min, no sign of him seeing her no mention of it. have I done the wrong thing? I don’t want it to affect her but i need to heal and live my own life without him in it, but the door has always been open for him to see little one.

millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2023 10:12

Nothing wrong

its good to have boundaries in place
thst will help you heal and move on where at some point in the future you might be able to be friends or at least friendly

it’s up to your ex to ensure he has and maintains relationship with your child, not for you to force it ( or prevent it) so that’s on him,

Original poster

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 10:16

millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2023 10:12

Nothing wrong

its good to have boundaries in place
thst will help you heal and move on where at some point in the future you might be able to be friends or at least friendly

it’s up to your ex to ensure he has and maintains relationship with your child, not for you to force it ( or prevent it) so that’s on him,

Thanks for this! Needed a reminder it’s not up to me to chase him to see her.

OP posts:

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/06/2023 17:40

No. You're allowed to separate your lives as adults as long as you keep contact with your child available (which you are).

If he only wants to see little one to see you then he's a bad dad. That's not on you.

Jas683 · 23/06/2023 18:02

Definitely his responsibility to be a good father, he doesn't need to be reminded that he has a child. Whilst I am sure you will want the absolute best for your child, you will have enough on your plate to be dealing with and this will be ever changing.

Good luck 🤞

PimpMyFridge · 23/06/2023 18:09

I dare say both of you are going through a lot of emotional upheaval. Sometimes diplomacy helps oil the wheels. Nothing wrong with what you've done, but would he have been less taken aback if you had discuss with him the new ground rules you were instigating do you think?
Maybe he's just an arse but sometimes people react badly when they shouldn't just cos they're all over the place...and setting expectations can help keep things clear and no surprises.

You shouldn't have to 'manage' his reactions of course, but sometimes the reality is, it can help you.
Maybe it would have made no difference and he's just an arse and was always going to be an arse.
Communication helps navigate these shark infested waters, if he is open to discussion that is.

Original poster

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 20:08

PimpMyFridge · 23/06/2023 18:09

I dare say both of you are going through a lot of emotional upheaval. Sometimes diplomacy helps oil the wheels. Nothing wrong with what you've done, but would he have been less taken aback if you had discuss with him the new ground rules you were instigating do you think?
Maybe he's just an arse but sometimes people react badly when they shouldn't just cos they're all over the place...and setting expectations can help keep things clear and no surprises.

You shouldn't have to 'manage' his reactions of course, but sometimes the reality is, it can help you.
Maybe it would have made no difference and he's just an arse and was always going to be an arse.
Communication helps navigate these shark infested waters, if he is open to discussion that is.

I mentioned set days to him for routine and he said he’s not a set day dad and he will see her when he wants, which is fine but I never know when he’s coming till hours before and I basically can’t have my own life away from being a mum.

I asked for space a few times while I get my emotions In check and he ignored me. Any time I try to have a grown conversation about moving forward he ignores me. Just so fed up of it all.

OP posts:

MsGrumpytrousers · 23/06/2023 21:44

Tell him "no".

How old is your child?

Original poster

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 21:52

MsGrumpytrousers · 23/06/2023 21:44

Tell him "no".

How old is your child?

She’s 2

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 23/06/2023 21:55

I would be busy the next time he asks (he can't expect you to never make plans) and offer an alternative, along with the suggestion that "it really would be better to set days to avoid this happening in future, its really important that the two of you have time together and making sure it happens regularly should be something we prioritise"

Or, I'd ask him when he would like to see her next week, and if he says he will let you know say "I was asking so i could keep the time free for you. But if you're happy to wait and see on the day that's fine, I just can't promise we will be available" and then I'd not be available. Even if he doesn't want set days, he needs to plan ahead.

But no, you haven't done wrong!

Original poster

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 22:02

AuntMarch · 23/06/2023 21:55

I would be busy the next time he asks (he can't expect you to never make plans) and offer an alternative, along with the suggestion that "it really would be better to set days to avoid this happening in future, its really important that the two of you have time together and making sure it happens regularly should be something we prioritise"

Or, I'd ask him when he would like to see her next week, and if he says he will let you know say "I was asking so i could keep the time free for you. But if you're happy to wait and see on the day that's fine, I just can't promise we will be available" and then I'd not be available. Even if he doesn't want set days, he needs to plan ahead.

But no, you haven't done wrong!

Iv tried some of this, last time I made plans but as I was going out he starting kicking off because I wasn’t staying in with them, but wouldn’t say why.

so since then he’s letting me know like hours before he comes and only calling for say an hour so I don’t have chance to do anything.

but then says il have her whenever u need me too, but then I have to say can u have her so I can go to x y z and if I don’t tell him where I’m playing mind games trying to get him to be jealous apparently!

I thought the hard part would be him leaving me now I’m finally accepting that and moving on with my life it’s getting harder!

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2023 22:07

You need to set boundaries
if he won’t stick to set times/days then tell him you’ll apply for s child arrangements order via the courts and he’ll have to stick to it

hes using this as a way to control you. Take it back

Original poster

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 22:13

millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2023 22:07

You need to set boundaries
if he won’t stick to set times/days then tell him you’ll apply for s child arrangements order via the courts and he’ll have to stick to it

hes using this as a way to control you. Take it back

Right me being the naive person I am.. why would he want to control me?

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2023 23:50

Because he doesn’t want you to move on
because he wa ts you at his beck and call
because he likes the feeling of power
because he wants to boss you around
becayse perhaos he wants you sitting around waiting in case he wants to come back

is he paying maintenance?

honestky, don’t put up with this shit

tell him he can see your child at x times on y days. He can take her out

give him 10 mins and if he doesn’t turn up, go out

PimpMyFridge · 24/06/2023 00:05

Sallyxox · 23/06/2023 20:08

I mentioned set days to him for routine and he said he’s not a set day dad and he will see her when he wants, which is fine but I never know when he’s coming till hours before and I basically can’t have my own life away from being a mum.

I asked for space a few times while I get my emotions In check and he ignored me. Any time I try to have a grown conversation about moving forward he ignores me. Just so fed up of it all.

Show quote history

He's not a set day dad... Hmmm might make sense if you have an unpredictable work rota or something, but it's not give really otherwise because you're not a being dicked about at shirt notice mum.

Do you have anyone else to turn to for the time away you need? That would reduce his power over you.

AuntMarch · 24/06/2023 00:40

But if he's only letting you know a few hours before, why can't you already be busy?

I mean this kindly, but you are letting him do this to you. As PP said, his options are to either make set arrangements with you- hopefully both being flexible if you need to rearrange WITH NOTICE (appointments, family events etc), or for the rare emergency reason (eg car broke down, family emergency), or you go through the courts!

He can kick off all he likes about you going out with the kids, it's not actually any of his business as long as the child is safe and cared for!

Original poster

Sallyxox · 24/06/2023 07:41

AuntMarch · 24/06/2023 00:40

But if he's only letting you know a few hours before, why can't you already be busy?

I mean this kindly, but you are letting him do this to you. As PP said, his options are to either make set arrangements with you- hopefully both being flexible if you need to rearrange WITH NOTICE (appointments, family events etc), or for the rare emergency reason (eg car broke down, family emergency), or you go through the courts!

He can kick off all he likes about you going out with the kids, it's not actually any of his business as long as the child is safe and cared for!

He kicked off when he was having her at mine and I went out to a mates for a brew! Maddness

i am busy sometimes but then I want my little one to have a reletionship with him so i try to make that happen

I’d just love set days or some sort of plan at the start of the week cos he’s just popping round for an hour here and there but not sure if that’s just what it is gonna be now

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 24/06/2023 08:45

well it won’t be if you don’t stop facilitating this and say jo

up to you but then dont complain about it if you’re not prepared to change /stop it

Demi246 · 24/06/2023 09:32

Hi, I have no idea how to start a post to ask question?

Itsybitsydoodah · 24/06/2023 10:59

Yeah.....no. You need to put a stop to this asap. He doesn't get to just show up as and when it suits him. It also is none of his business where you go, who you see and what you do.
Tell him to set times and days or you will get a child arrangement order. If he isn't paying maintenance contact CMS and get the ball rolling.
Take control and show him that you aren't going to let him dictate your life.

Original poster

Sallyxox · 24/06/2023 12:31

millymollymoomoo · 24/06/2023 08:45

well it won’t be if you don’t stop facilitating this and say jo

up to you but then dont complain about it if you’re not prepared to change /stop it

I get that, I just don’t no how. Because when I have he just says he won’t see little one and then I feel awful that she’s missing out but assuming this is where I just say ok and leave him to it.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 24/06/2023 12:55

That’s up to him
not you

grow a backbone else you’ll have 16 years of this

Original poster

Sallyxox · 24/06/2023 12:59

millymollymoomoo · 24/06/2023 12:55

That’s up to him
not you

grow a backbone else you’ll have 16 years of this

I know wish it was my nature to have a backbone need one !!

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Alittlebitofhelp · 24/06/2023 15:28

Hey, I went through a similar thing. I would suggest finding a time when someone can look after your child and sitting down to discuss a routine he can commit to and then review it after x weeks. Potentially ask a neutral friend to be there too. Tell him that’s just the way it needs to be and it’s about enabling time together in a way that doesn’t control your time. It’s hard. If anything like my ex, he will push and make you feel like sh*t for doing this.

The problem with divorce / separation unless that very rare unicorn of truly amicable, no one hurt and live across the road from each other is that he needs to become a set day dad. And you a set day mum. Children benefit from routine. Adults benefit from routine. He is able to live his life. You need to be able to live yours.

Not telling you until just before isn’t ok as you’re always on tenterhooks. Telling you he just won’t see his child then is on him. Once he gets the new routine, you’ll see whether he does or doesn’t see your child. It’s really his choice.

Good luck. I promise you it is worth fighting for clarity. I was taken advantage of for months. I’m in a much stronger place now to be able to parent my child effectively now that I know what routine we are following.

massiveclamps · 24/06/2023 15:42

He's only interested in being a dad for an hour or two, here and there, when he feels like it and when it suits him. He doesn't seem to have any concern at all about what's best for the child, he's only interested in doing what he wants, when he wants to do it.

That's now how parenting works, is it?

If he's going to be bleeding awkward, then so be it. It won't be your fault if your dc misses out on time with daddy, it will be entirely his fault.

Put your foot down now, otherwise you will be in for nearly two decades of this shit.

Original poster

Sallyxox · 24/06/2023 16:09

Thanks everyone. Just really thought this part would be easy seen as he left me and I’m more than happy to just have set days for little one and us both go about our lives separately. But obv this is how naive I am and it’s actually a lot harder.

come to the point where I’m not upset about the separation just ready to create a good life for me and little one and be civil around that.

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