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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child maintenance/arrangements

33 replies

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:06

i’ve alway been the main carer of my children. My Ex has them every other weekend. We’ve been separated over 1 year. last week I contacted child maintenance as I thought it was best to get it sorted. My Ex is very financially driven. Since then he has text me over 100 times and is now saying he want the kids 50/50 because he doesn’t want to pay £200 child maintenance. what do I do ? The kids hate doing to their Dads and it’s a massive effort to encourage them to go for a weekend.
Advice would be fab. Has anyone been in the same boat ?

OP posts:
ThePersistenceOfMammories · 15/06/2023 11:10

I’d call his bluff. It costs a hell of a lot more than £200 for half a month to house kids, feed them, clothe them, pay for childcare etc he won’t keep it up for long

Wannabegreenfingers · 15/06/2023 11:12

How old are your children? Generally once they are old enough to make an informed decision a court won't go against their wishes? A lot of men take this stance so they don't have to pay child maintenance, but most back out of the arrangement once they realise how much parenting the actually have to do.

£200 for two children really isn't a lot of money. You need to speak with a solicitor who will advice of the next steps.

Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:18

@Wannabegreenfingers Hi there 12 and 8.
I do all the school runs, All the holiday care ( I work in education). He extremely harassing and threatens me with “you’ll see”. Gives me awful anxiety.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 15/06/2023 11:21

There's not a lot you can do if he decides to take you to court, but I doubt he will as that's going to cost him £££. Sounds like he's just trying to scare you to be honest.

Cheetahmum · 15/06/2023 11:24

He can take you to court for that arrangement but you could call his bluff and ask him what schedule he is proposing, who'll do drop offs and pick ups on his days, what childcare is he putting in place for days he has them and is working, and remind him where he can buy school uniform etc to have at his house.

Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:25

I think it’s just scare mongering. I did try a private arrangement with him, where he paid 1/2 for clubs and uniform, but every-time I sent an invoice he would sent me an essay about how he couldn’t afford to eat. I thought CMS would help in cutting contact with him, but he’s been more harassing then ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:26

@ThePersistenceOfMammories I’m very tempted to.

OP posts:
MrsSweatyBetty · 15/06/2023 11:30

Start tomorrow....just kidding, I would agree on the basis that it starts now, then stand back & watch the panic.
He will prevaricate & try to delay the start.
In all honesty, 50/50 has massive advantages for you as it improves your job & life prospects.
If it does work out, he'll be managing a moody teenager from next year for half the time, worth it for that alone :-)

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/06/2023 11:34

@MrsSweatyBetty that would be ok but op @Beebeepbob said the kids don’t like going there.

OP take him at his word and prepare the schedule etc and then send email (so in writing) please confirm start date and what arrangements will be for xxx and list all the things already mentioned by PP and then send and ask for confirmation of receipt and when you can expect reply etc.

Lefteyetwitch · 15/06/2023 11:36

Tell him that for 50/50 to be arranged he would need to obtain a CAO dictating so.
Until that time you will not negotiate any further.

Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:41

@MrsSweatyBetty it would actually be so lovely to have some actual parental input and help from him, but this would not be the case. He’s never actually ever picked up or dropped off, to school or home. I hand deliver the children on his weekend then pick them back up on the Sunday. Never been to a doctors/ school /dentist appointment, never bought them clothes or shoes, the list goes on.
I think my kids would panic at 50/50.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:42

What is that ?

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 15/06/2023 11:49

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:42

What is that ?

Child Arrangment Order.
They are the only ones who can enforce 50/50.

And he can do all the leg work for it. Including applying and paying for the compulsory mediation prior to the hearing.

Mindymomo · 15/06/2023 11:50

Text back, that’s great, would love 50/50 it will save me so much money, I’ll be able to go out, start dating and get my life back. Seriously he would have to get a Child Arrangement Order through going to Court. The CMS is there so you don’t have to go through this.

taxpayer1 · 15/06/2023 12:11

Just accept 50/50 if he is not a risk for the children. He may step up. 200 is nothing. You will save a lot more than 200 if he has them half of the time and provides for everything during his time.

Flopsythebunny · 15/06/2023 12:14

Tell him you'll do the 50/50 on condition that you each have them for a week at a time and half the holidays. He'll soon change his mind when he realises he has to do absolutely everything on his weeks

taxpayer1 · 15/06/2023 12:16

Women in MN complain all the time that they are at a disadvantage being the resident parent as they cannot work, date, socialise, etc. Accept the offer! Children may not like to be with him at the moment but they may not like to be with you either. 200 pounds for getting someone to take care of your children half of the time and pay for everything during that time sounds like an amazing deal. As he already has them every other week there are no risks.

sparkleice · 15/06/2023 12:19

yeah - clearly he is hoping you will panic, agree with him
sure you take them etc (reassure your dc that he wont)

Collaborate · 15/06/2023 12:20

Set up a schedule - alternating weeks and school holidays split down the middle. Make it clear to him he's responsible for school dinners and breakfast/after school during his weeks. You will split the cost of school trips equally, and school shoes and PE kits will be shared too. He'll need a complete wardrobe for everything else.

He'll also have to make sure that either he takes all his 6.5 weeks (ha!) of annual leave during the school holidays to look after them or he pays for them to go in to holiday care.

As others have pointed out he'd be saving you money from day one.

I bet he won't go for it.

Lefteyetwitch · 15/06/2023 12:22

sparkleice · 15/06/2023 12:19

yeah - clearly he is hoping you will panic, agree with him
sure you take them etc (reassure your dc that he wont)

And if he does?

sparkleice · 15/06/2023 12:23

Lefteyetwitch · 15/06/2023 12:22

And if he does?

Show quote history

He wont - clearly you havent read the same posts as me - this is not a man who gives a shit about his offspring

I do all the school runs, All the holiday care

did try a private arrangement with him, where he paid 1/2 for clubs and uniform, but every-time I sent an invoice he would sent me an essay about how he couldn’t afford to eat.

He’s never actually ever picked up or dropped off, to school or home. I hand deliver the children on his weekend then pick them back up on the Sunday. Never been to a doctors/ school /dentist appointment, never bought them clothes or shoes, the list goes on.

Original poster
Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 12:25

I’m very tempted, he can barely cope with them for a weekend. Several times I have been called to pick them up, because he can’t cope.

OP posts:
Reugny · 15/06/2023 12:26

This.

Unless he has family who are willing and can help him, the summer holidays should break him. Make sure he has them first so he doesn't get to have the bank holiday at end of August.

averythinline · 15/06/2023 12:28

yes call his bluff ... tell him to start process.... do not back down on cms until

also you do not have to deal with all his messages..at all

get a different phone or just a parent communication app

Lefteyetwitch · 15/06/2023 12:29

sparkleice · 15/06/2023 12:23

He wont - clearly you havent read the same posts as me - this is not a man who gives a shit about his offspring

I do all the school runs, All the holiday care

did try a private arrangement with him, where he paid 1/2 for clubs and uniform, but every-time I sent an invoice he would sent me an essay about how he couldn’t afford to eat.

He’s never actually ever picked up or dropped off, to school or home. I hand deliver the children on his weekend then pick them back up on the Sunday. Never been to a doctors/ school /dentist appointment, never bought them clothes or shoes, the list goes on.

Show quote history

But you would be a fool to put the children's welfare on something that's not an absolute

What I have read is do not underestimate someone driven by spite.

Far better to make him go through the effort of court and not call his bluff.