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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child maintenance/arrangements

33 replies

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 11:06

i’ve alway been the main carer of my children. My Ex has them every other weekend. We’ve been separated over 1 year. last week I contacted child maintenance as I thought it was best to get it sorted. My Ex is very financially driven. Since then he has text me over 100 times and is now saying he want the kids 50/50 because he doesn’t want to pay £200 child maintenance. what do I do ? The kids hate doing to their Dads and it’s a massive effort to encourage them to go for a weekend.
Advice would be fab. Has anyone been in the same boat ?

OP posts:

taxpayer1 · 15/06/2023 12:31

It is a win-win situation. If you say ok have 50/50 and it works you have a co-parent that will give you time to pursue your own career, interests, and social life. If he can't cope, he won't complain anymore and pay the 200 without saying a word. Give him the chance. He may surprise you.

Reugny · 15/06/2023 12:33

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 12:25

I’m very tempted, he can barely cope with them for a weekend. Several times I have been called to pick them up, because he can’t cope.

Then break him.

When you do go and pick your children up don't be immediately available and message him as to why he called you.

Then after you have picked them up that night email he to state you picked them up and what the arrangement you agreed was. Then ask him a question so he needs to reply.

Do this every single time.

You need to create evidence to show he can't cope with 50/50, you actually agree to him having them more and want him to have them more. That way if he's stupid enough to go to Court he may not even get an order.

User63847484848 · 15/06/2023 12:41

I have this a bit with my STBxH. He knows it gets me where it hurts. I have to try not to panic, take deep breaths and think actually why am I panicking? If my 3 DC did go to him half the time and were ok with it and well looked after it would be great for me from a work and social point of view.
I realise I’m feeling so panicky because I know they wouldn’t want to. My youngest is also 8, the others are 11 and 15. Possibly the 8yo might be ok with it, but like you I just doubt he would ever actually do it and doubt he’d cope.

it seems to be most effective when I stay calm and take a ‘ok crack on, that would be great for me’ attitude.

I also tell myself that if it did come to it, I would encourage the kids to give it a go but if they refused to go I wouldn’t make them and then he would need to make a court order where their views would be taken into account.

Original poster

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 12:55

@User63847484848 i could have written this myself.
If they were happy in his care, clean, fed well, didn’t spend 18 hours a day playing fornite (yep), changed their clothes, I would feel differently about 50/50.
My ex knows how to upset me. I tend no to reply to him.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 15/06/2023 13:12

Definitely call his bluff.

My ex said the same. He had ds for one weekend, realised that he couldn't go to the pub on Friday night, couldn't play tennis on Saturday morning, had to entertain ds for the rest of the weekend, had to change a liquid nappy, had to feed him, had to get up at night, had to put a baby seat in his Jaguar......... 😂

That was 12 years ago. Hasn't mentioned 50:50 since and pays up begrudgingly every month. 🙂

MrsSweatyBetty · 15/06/2023 13:54

Playing too much fortnite and not changing their clothes will not kill them.

You will be in a much better position to negotiate if he has to ask you to have them more. I would personally hold out for at least 3 months whilst I thought about it.

On the other hand, if he learns how to step up and be a proper dad, your children will absolutely benefit from this in the long term. They're still relatively little, there are lots of bumps in the road ahead. A mum and dad who are both able to love & support them is in their best interest.

It's also important to think about what you are teaching your children about how you deserve to be treated by others. It's so easy to become a people pleasing martyr.. Long term, no-one is grateful to you. Putting yourself 1st will ultimately result in putting your children 1st, I wish some had told me that oh so many years ago.

Original poster

Beebeepbob · 15/06/2023 15:54

@MintJulia this made me chuckle.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/06/2023 16:16

My ex demanded 50/50. First time he took 2 year old DS out, he brought him back after an hour and said "he keeps asking for you". That was the end of that. I would so call his bluff. Tell him to get on with the application and organising required mediation and not to forget to stock up on clothes and uniform, oh and here's the list of clubs and parties and every sodding other thing you are now responsible for. I don't imagine you'll hear another word.

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