Cafcass first appointment

[beliveinlifeafterlove]

Hello,

I have my first CAFCASS, appointment next week after finally feeling empowered enough to launch a c100.

I'm quite nervous about it. I have no family in the UK and want to move home with my daughter in time for her to begin school. I was isolated and overburdened throughout my marriage which led to a breakdown last August , my marriage then ended and my mum moved here to support me, all MH professionals have been very complimentary about how I've managed my MH since.

I'm nervous though - my ex has unlimited financial resources for solicitors from his parents. I don't have access to the same financial resources. Do I realistically have a chance of moving to my home country with my daughter in time for her to begin school?

How can I prepare for CAFCASS?

Extremely unlikely in my opinion unless your ex is in agreement or has no contact with your daughter currently, or is (documented as) abusive and dangerous or otherwise unable to parent.

CAFCASS and the courts will think it’s in your child’s best interests to have regular contact with both parents.

Do you have an argument about why this is your DC’s best interests?

I believe I have a strong argument.

My ex has been emotionally and financially abusive. He systematically ensured I was overburdened, exhausted and isolated from my family. The government definition of coercive control resonated so deeply with me.

I've been referred to IDVA, but emotional abuse seems so difficult to prove. He is breathtakingly entitled. He offloads most parenting of my DD to his own parents when she's in his care. He expects my mother to give up her life so they aren't inconvenienced in the slightest. He has taken an incredibly aggressive stance with the financial arrangements while will ensureI I remain over burdened and exhausted if I have to remain here. He insists I should move to a two bed where there would be no room for my mum and I would have zero support on practical or emotional terms. He provides none and refused to help even when DD was in a&e last winter.

In Ireland I would have:

• Affordable housing
• Access to lots of family support
• My first choice of school at primary an secondary level, more affordable third level education (DD wouldn't need a loan)
• Access to a car provided by family
• I chose a town 15 minutes from an international airport to enable contact with paternal family and there are longer school holidays.
• 20 minutes from seaside and lots of child friendly outlets

Is it really reasonable to expect me to remain in a country where I know nobody?

He always insisted I could return home with DD when I was pregnant (and I should have)

Are you getting maintenance at CMS levels? If so, it’s not really his problem to house your mum, or that your mental health problems mean your mum has moved to support you. He’s just responsible for your daughter when she’s with him and paying maintenance if you have her more than 50%.

Have the divorce and financial settlement been finalised? How are you overburdened and exhausted? Is it because you’re living in a very expensive area?

To add I do have sympathy for your position and you may always kick yourself for not moving when you could, but it’ll be best for your mental health if you can go into this with realistic expectations.

My mental health difficulties are the result of being isolated from my family and overburdened as we live in a very expensive area (Zone 4 London)

Does the premise that every mother needs support / family / friends not exist in court?

I feel I was led to have my DD here under entirely false pretences. He always assured me I could move home if I wanted to - then changed overnight after she was born.

Is it fair that he should retain infinite practical / emotional and financial support from his family but deny me the same?

Is it fair for DD's quality of life to be drastically reduced so that he can have his cake and eat it?

My thinking would be that as a father he should want her to have the happiest most fulfilled life (with access to both parents of course but not necessarily 50/50)

In Ireland I can offer her an idyllic life with amazing holidays in the Uk or with her paternal family in Ireland.

In the UK I'll be working 60
Hour weeks, around the clock, exhausted and unable to give her the experiences she deserves

I would cone up with concrete plans about how your child will see their father if you move. And think hard if it's in your child's best interests.

To be honest OP, no, CAFCASS and the courts aren’t concerned with your support network or happiness; they’re there to represent and get the best outcome for your daughter, not you.

I’d be very careful you’re not giving him rope to hang you with here. If you can’t parent with stable mental health without a support network, and you don’t have one and can’t afford to keep your mother there, he could have a stronger case for primary residency. Then you’d lose any maintenance and benefits as well as the time with your daughter.

What is your current access pattern? If your ex only has every other weekend or close o it, I’d start looking at places an hour or so out of London where you could start to build a new (cheaper) life.

unfortunately Op Cafcass and the court will only be concerned with what they think is best for your child. It wont matter to them what he has done to you.

But does it not logically hold - that a happy / supported mother would mean a happier more fulfilled life for the child?

I am a health professional and that's just common sense to me. Happy mum / happy well cared for child. My husband always said my DD belonged with me and I was a wonderful mother.

I actually find it incredibly selfish that my ex is putting his need for control , over the life that would likely meet far more of my daughters needs and make her happier.

Op. I'll be very honest with you... I've been embroiled in court proceedings for 3 years now. My daughter is 4 now. Nearly 5.

If your child has a regular access pattern with the father it is highly unlikely they will allow you to move unless you're willing to uphold the contact arrangements currently in place.

I'm guessing you expect for contact to reduce if your request is granted. The courts won't be interested in that. I can tell you categorically.

I speak from my experience... but the lowest of the low get contact and their PSO's granted.

I have to be honest and say your case is not water tight.

Unless there has been proven domestic abuse towards the children its likely he will get everything he asks for.

yes it is selfish its also incredibly common im afraid.I know this from personal experience of Cafcass, Family Court and an abusive controlling ex.
As a PP said make sure you have very solid ideas of how your DC's contact with their dad could be. How you would facilitate it, what you'd be open to and how committed you'd be in upholding it

In addition to family support - and more time with caregivers (due to less need to work round the clock) In Ireland she will have access to a fantastic school (our first choice at both primary and secondary level ) , a shorter day as wraparound care wouldn't be needed. yearly foreign holidays and lots of time with her father at weekends and holidays.

Life in the UK is preferable for her father alone. It doesn't meet his DD's needs as completely as life in Ireland

Op. You're missing the point here. It's not about what just YOU can offer her. It's about what BOTH her parents could offer her.

I would tread very carefully. You infer you can't prove the emotional abuse. In the eyes of the Court he's basically innocent as they don't work on conjecture. They work on fact.

I'd be concerned you're creating a stronger case for him to have residence by wanting to remove her from everything she already knows.

Courts still have the position of contact over safety. You can move, but it's unlikely your DD can. And do not ever declare mental heath issues in family court. It will absolutely be used against you and could result in a change of residency. You need to be absolutely child focused, and also uphold any current arrangements. You would need to have a robust plan of how you would support contact, not just physically but also by way of letters, FaceTime etc. You would need excellent representation to get the result you want.

Op you say 'our first choice'
who is/are the others in our?

The ultimate question which you haven't yet answered is what contact does he already have and do you plan to uphold that schedule?

Op, courts have reinforced the need for children to have a relationship with both parents. Mothers don't take precedence.

It's harsh but it is the reality of the courts position which has moved to being highly supportive to fathers. The shift happened with Fathers for Justice and Teresa May's stint as home Secretary.

Prepare for cafcass by demonstrating concrete ways that your daughter can access her father such that their relationship isn't impacted. State you understand the need for a relationship with her father. Access to flights etc is positive, your willingness to share holidays and willingness to share responsibility for travel etc

Don't claim abuse unless you can prove it - otherwise they will see you as an alienating parent. Trust me, if he claims parent alienation you will struggle to remove that label.

Look up past legal judgements where courts have allowed a move of countries. Do you have a solicitor advising?

Are you applying for a Specific issue to move or is your ex applying for PSO to stop you moving?

As others say, don't focus on your poor mental health, it could go against you. Sorry to be bearer of news but best it's realistic

The issue is my ex lives 90 minutes away. Our current arrangement will not be possible once she begins school.

My ex wants us to leave our current home which would leave us unable to accommodate her Nana , who cares for her for free for half the week to enable me to work. It would chance DD's daily life irrevocably and she would like be in nursery 8-6pm (rather than cared for by a loving grandmother). My ex would need to move nearby (he indicated he would) but this would mean a repeat of the situation we had when we were married (with no close family nearby) a lack of practical support and little quality of life.

I want better for DD. I want her childhood to be idyllic

Sadly you don't have much chance 😔 this is why midway through my pregnancy I returned home to Ireland from the UK. I knew If my relationship ever broke down that I'd be stuck in the UK by myself. You'd need a very strong argument for allowing you to move country. Have you consulted a solicitor?

Why does he want you to leave your current home?

So your ex has 50% custody and is currently living with his parents ninety minutes away whilst you remain in the family home, which you can’t afford to stay in?

There doesn’t seem much point in staying in central London but you’re also not going to be able to move to Ireland unless your ex agrees to it, which any good father wouldn’t.

Where do his parents live? Can you move near there? Sussex has good beaches and an international airport too.

I'm not sure how you can conclude that "any good father" wouldn't agree to the life that meets more of his daughters needs and indeed gives her the best of both worlds. A fantastic school in Ireland, longer holidays, a sense of community, more time with extended family and far less time with paid child minders.

Her father offers no definitive plans for what her life would look like here. No information on where she would go to school, how the practicalities of drops offs and pick ups would be managed by two separated parents 90 minutes from any family. This was not workable for us last year.

In fact, I would never want to deprive my daughter of time with her father or her paternal family's love. I could have remained in Ireland when she was 6 mo the old.

I decided to return because I wanted to be able to look my child in the eye (15 years from now) and tell her teenage self that I tried everything in my power to make life in the UK work (and I did).

Unfortunately, her father has not met us half way and it's now my firm belief that she would have a happier life spent predominantly in Ireland.

That said - I will do everything in my power to facilitate contact with her father and all his family. The more love in her life the better in my view, but that doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 Contact.

But if he has 50/50 he has an established role in her life as a main caregiver irrespective of the particulars you keep mentioning. The courts won't be too keen to move that.

Its not him to prove anything. Its your application.

You have an uphill battle ahead of you.

Op its not us you need to persuade, however many many of us on this thread have been through the hell that is Cafcass and Family court. We know what we are talking about.