50/50 residence

[Yellow83Leaving]

Hello

Is there anyone out there who's agreed to 50/50 residence post-split and how has it worked out?

After a long and miserable wait, I'm finally divorced from a chronically selfish and highly manipulative man who barely lifted a finger to participate in family life and left all the parenting grunt work (shopping, cooking, getting up, putting to bed, school runs, friends, activities, parties, arranging other childcare) to me. He'd occasionally take our son out to the cinema or for a meal and he'd sit and watch TV with him but that was about it. As soon as I said I wanted to split, he said he wanted our son to live with him half the time. I didn't - and don't - agree as I do the vast majority of the caring and my son has never spent the night alone with him. He's hugely disorganised and can't get anywhere on time - since he moved out, he's been at least one hour late every time he's come to see DS. He works very long hours, sometimes into the early hours and weekends and I can't see how he's going to manage school runs, laundry, activities, friends, parties and everything else you need to keep on top of.

Despite this litany of crapness, he has managed to convince my son that a 50/50 split is the only fair way to go and now I'm being badgered by the pair of them to agree. I feel backed into a corner because if I refuse, my son will see me as the baddy. I've already been accused of trying to stop him seeing his dad (I've never tried to do that btw, I fully support him having a relationship with his dad, I just can't see it working out with him living there half the time). Do I just agree to it and wait until it goes tits up? Or should I stand my ground and risk alienating my son? He really wants his dad to step up and be the great parent he claims to be - but I'm afraid he's going to end up sad and disappointed...

I completely understand your position and feelings. I posted about this expectation of 50:50 despite no previous effort or acknowledgement of the impact & anxiety it could cause the children. Its about their (STBEXH) rights to 50:50, rather than genuinely thinking of the children.
I don't have any answers as I haven't managed to move our conversation on & he won't move out either, so I'm stuck with him here still doing the minimum despite all the rhetoric.
I'm hoping for a gradual move to 50:50 to lesson the impact on the children.
Over an agreed period. It just makes me so mad I'm having to defend a position which is what he's wanted for the last 9 years and the reality of now.
Good luck, stay calm & focused.

50/50 is the base starting position in the country I now live in and very few do a different pattern unless one parent works away or actively doesn't want 50/50. It works well, two of the DC in my family are on 50/50.

It forces one parent to step up and learn how to effectively parent them. It can be great and give you some downtime as well. Just make sure if you do go for it that you're not picking up his slack - so he provides his uniforms, clothing, arranges half the dentist appointments and swim lessons etc etc. Even in families where dad hasn't pulled his weight out here but then it goes to 50/50 they usually have a steep learning curve but then it works out well.

50/50 happened for me and ex h however we built up to it - as my ex was exactly like yours. We started with eow and built it from there. Do you think you could offer this as a compromise?

God I would have loved it if my ex wanted 50/50

@Tiger2018 how has it worked out for you so far? I have offered EOW and a couple of weeknights school pick up and tea but he's not having it - and now my son is digging his heels in too and insisting on an equal split, although I'm not convinced he properly understands the reality of it. He's supposed to be spending a night at his dad's at the weekend and he's really anxious but doesn't want to disappoint/disobey his dad.

@Rtmhwales it's great that you know of dads who've stepped up. However I must say I now have very low tolerance for the type of men who only get their finger out when they absolutely have to. If my ex hadn't been such lazy, entitled, porn-addicted arse, I'd probably still be married to him. 😂

I can't for a moment imagine he's going to do anything other than offer a bed and food for our son - when I tried to give him other parents' contact details for play dates etc, he said wouldn't be bothering with anything like that...

His old is your son?

One of my DDs spent a very short few weeks living with her father 50/50. Letting her was the only way to out the issue to rest. She realised very quickly he was hopeless and that his focus was actually about money, not her.

Thanks @Dillydallydonut . I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time. Sounds like he just wants to keep you stuck...

I feel that my ex is a) doing it to hurt me for having the audacity to leave him and b) totally delusional about what a great parent he is. His grown-up kids from his first marriage barely talk to him, despite his stories of amazing dad-ness when they were young.

I also feel my son is being used and manipulated - his dad has promised him the world if he goes to live with him half the time. He used to do the same with me but rarely followed through on anything. It feels like my son is the new me, if you see what I mean 😥

Arh thats tricky. the 50/50 for me came from the kids - when it was EOW they got into that routine, then they asked for 3 days on/3 days off - that worked for a while, then they felt comfortable to do 50/50. They were early teens by this stage.

All the way through I spoke to them to understand what was driving the change - each time it was because they liked having more time in one place, so less back and forth for them. I made sure they knew that it can always be changed if it didn't work for them and dad and I would be flexible if they had something on that would be easier to get to from my house rather than his.

How old is your son? Might it be worth suggesting to your ex that you all sit down and agree what the short term plan is, so your son can be present too.

Then you can all agree what the best way forward is? I've done this with mine about a different issue (my eldest wanted to change schools and my ex without consulting me said yes to her. Obviously I said no) we sat down and I was very reasonable to laying out the reasons for my NO. My child hadn't considered stuff I was saying (practical stuff like getting to the school an hour away during the cold winter mornings, having to make all new friends while also settling into a new school, that the school had TERRIBLE results/ofsted etc etc etc) and the ex had to remain reasonable to not look bad ;) She then decided she didn't want to move schools - the school she was in was good, she just liked the idea of the other school. It took infinite amounts of patience from me but as long as you are reasonable, it is difficult for my ex to disagree without sounding like a selfish arse (which he is). He wanted to change schools so he could become resident parent to get child benefit/maintenance, rather than being motivated by what is best for the kids.

Because I listen to them and respect what they have to say, the kids come to me when they feel something isn't right. If your son is pushing for 50/50, then you can say yes for a set period of time and then review it. Saying to him mum and dad won't be upset with you if you want to change your mind. Creating that place of safety will give him the confidence to say what he truly wants.

He is making sure he doesn't have to pay maintenance (and gets an equal split of the assets I suspect - one to watch if he gets it them dumps the 50/50!)

Make sure he collects from school or pays the childcare, covers the same days in the holidays and 'his days' are full 24hr periods I.e. 9am Monday to 9am Tuesday not 5pm Monday to 8am Tuesday with you having to oick up the childcare in between.

I don't think from experience 50/50 works BUT I guess you have to let your son find out for himself and be there for the fall out.... (But make him do the 50/50 to see if it falls apart before the divorce is finalised!).

sorry, I didn't add this - I didn't claim for child maintenance - I could afford to look after the kids and it was a battle I just didn't have in me. Rightly or wrongly. I know this might not be possible for you financially but it was miraculous how my ex dropped 'demanding' 50/50 initially when he knew he wouldn't be paying me - instead we agreed he would pay for half of all uniforms, school trips, clothes etc. Funny that.

What I mean is, think about your ex's motivations and play to those.

I posted on a similar topic yesterday as about to embark on the same journey. I think I'm just going to have to see how it goes and let them discover for themselves how each parent "parents" when doing their turn. I am being led by the child who wants 50/50 so its up to them to find out - the hard way if necessary.

@Magmum75 I think I might have to do this too. It's breaking my heart but I can't see any other option that's not going to cause more upset for my son.

Actually I'm in the same boat! I don't have the energy to chase him for maintenance either. I think that might have been his initial motivation but now I just think he's trying to punish me. All I can really do is give it a try, I guess and keep a close eye on my son...

Thanks - that's useful. I do have a feeling the whole thing might break down quite quickly if I agree to it but it's gamble.

Thanks @Tiger2018 , that's really useful advice. DS is 9 so old enough to say how he feels but, I suspect, he doesn't really know what he's letting himself in for. Will see how we get on.

You could spell out how much work it will be. You could say you're happy to trial 50/50 but you need the following questions answered:

Who will he be sourcing as wrap around childcare for drop offs/pick ups on his days while hes at work?
Who will he be sourcing as childcare for his days while he works in the holidays?
Has he established flexibility with work to be able to pick son up and keep him home when he's ill on his days?

Make it clear he is responsible for sourcing and paying for all care on his days and covering sick days.

I also would also make sure its same days each week so he doesn't have chance to try use your childcare you pay for. For example Monday and Tuesday always with dad and Thursday/Friday always with mum, alternative weekends and alternate wednesdays. Work it to your advantage. If you work part time, make sure your days are on your days off.

Make sure he understand what 50/50 means.

Weekends will be alternated.

Say he'd due to have ds Mon/Tuesday/Wed next week. It means he takes ds to school on those days and collects him on those days. If he needs someone else to pick up then he organises and pays. He can't drop off ds at yours on the way to work and pick up from yours. If you wfh he can't call you to do pick up because it's not your day.

School Holidays are whole days and he must pay for care if he's working. Again, he can't drop off and pick up from your house.

If ds is ill on his day then he takes time off or wfh and can't assume that you'll be his emergency childcare.

I think you have no choice but to allow it. A judge would agree to it and you wouldn't want the expense and hassle of court if you can avoid it. Your son is too young to think through practicalities like dad probably dropping him off at school too late/early and not being able to do basics like a packed lunch or provide clean uniform. Your son has to learn the hard way - especially when he's invited to a weekend party ot sleepover and dad says no.

I have to agree with others and start as you mean to go on. His time, him sorting childcare.

When my EX and I split I was getting roped in to sort his childcare. I then stopped and it forced him to parent...it stopped the blurred lines and the expectation that I would sort everything.

If you think he wants revenge then perhaps tell them that you are looking forward to enrolling on a course or having time so go out. If he's as petty as you think then the thought of you having fun and being absolutely fine without him will have him second guessing himself.

He's 9 - this gives me hope... thank you!

Thanks everyone for the helpful messages.

I appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

I try to avoid talking to him apart from practical things. He's just uses any interaction to try to make me feel guilty and sorry for him..

I think me going along with the 50/50 thing might freak him out a bit though - he seems to want an argument as it will give him a chance to paint me as a baddy to my DS, plus he gets interaction and attention from me. The whole thing is so toxic 😩

Can I suggest you use one of the Parenting Apps for communication with him then? Everything goes in there, Calendar, school stuff, questions, time allocation etc. That way he has all the required info and cannot say he didn't know. You can use that as evidence in court if need be. (You can then block him through other means so he can't play stupid games!)

Just be aware in the lead up to applying for secondary school which house will be considered your son's primary residence. In my county it is where the child stays the 'majority of school nights, Sun - Thursday'. Having the child benefit and doctors appointments registered there also helps so plan ahead when suggesting days.