50/50 residence

[Yellow83Leaving]

Hello

Is there anyone out there who's agreed to 50/50 residence post-split and how has it worked out?

After a long and miserable wait, I'm finally divorced from a chronically selfish and highly manipulative man who barely lifted a finger to participate in family life and left all the parenting grunt work (shopping, cooking, getting up, putting to bed, school runs, friends, activities, parties, arranging other childcare) to me. He'd occasionally take our son out to the cinema or for a meal and he'd sit and watch TV with him but that was about it. As soon as I said I wanted to split, he said he wanted our son to live with him half the time. I didn't - and don't - agree as I do the vast majority of the caring and my son has never spent the night alone with him. He's hugely disorganised and can't get anywhere on time - since he moved out, he's been at least one hour late every time he's come to see DS. He works very long hours, sometimes into the early hours and weekends and I can't see how he's going to manage school runs, laundry, activities, friends, parties and everything else you need to keep on top of.

Despite this litany of crapness, he has managed to convince my son that a 50/50 split is the only fair way to go and now I'm being badgered by the pair of them to agree. I feel backed into a corner because if I refuse, my son will see me as the baddy. I've already been accused of trying to stop him seeing his dad (I've never tried to do that btw, I fully support him having a relationship with his dad, I just can't see it working out with him living there half the time). Do I just agree to it and wait until it goes tits up? Or should I stand my ground and risk alienating my son? He really wants his dad to step up and be the great parent he claims to be - but I'm afraid he's going to end up sad and disappointed...

If you do 'one full week ' each, he may step up more as he will have to.
I'd stop fighting it and let your son know he can change things if he's not happy

Agree with others that trialling 50:50 with a plan to talk through how it is working after 3 months and again after 6 months (potentially with a mediator present).

Make it clear that your only objections would be if your child's best interests aren't being prioritised.

Make sure the 50:50 split has an equal number of fun weekend and school holiday days and of school days. Make sure it is clear that each day is a full 24 hour period and the resident parent for that day is fully responsible for all meals, equipment & clothing and dealing with days off sick.

When reviewing - look at -
Is the child only getting homework done on days they are with you?
Is laundry and personal hygiene only happening on days when they are with you?
Are they only getting a social life and enriching activities on days when they are with you?
Does shopping for shoes, getting haircuts, going to the dentist and other time consuming life-admin tasks only happen when they are with you?
Are they in fact only getting the full parenting experience on days when they are with you?

Does this mean that actually you are getting very little "fun and relaxed" 1:1 time with the child because so much of your time is being spent on the less fun aspects of parenting, such that you would only actually get an equal split of "fun and relaxed" 1:1 time with the child if the overall time split was more like 80:20?

We do week about. We live within three miles of each other. Working well so far.

if it was me I would have a chat with DS. I would make DS the sole focus of the conversation. I would probably apologise for not supporting it sooner so I could start with a clean slate. Just tell him that your love and support of him is absolutely unconditional and that you understand that it’s not easy having two parents that are separated. Tell him that the most important thing is him. Acknowledge that the new living arrangements might not work straight away, but they can always be changed to suit him better. With my DS I wouldn’t say I will support you if you change your mind. I say things like it’s a parents job to support their children. I word it like this because children often try to please their parents even at their own expense and so I need him to see that it’s our jobs as parents to support him. It’s not his job to support parents feelings.

Just be loving and supportive towards your son so he doesn’t dig in his heels and stick with an arrangement he isn’t happy with because he feels backed into a corner. But be totally honest with them both upfront about how it will work. You will not be bailing out your ex on his time and stick to this. If you do it once they don’t learn to step up.

Every now and again reinforce the message to DS that you support him and are happy when he is happy. So that he gets the message that he can change his mind with no consequences.

Having been in the same scenario, I called my ex's bluff & insisted he do 50-50 before I moved out.

Of course he couldn't manage it around his working hours & the kids were exhausted from being in childcare from 7.30am to 6.30pm.

If you have somewhere to go, I'd start taking myself off for alternating weekends now OP, so he can be fully responsible- as a first step.

I also got it written in our minute of agreement (in Scotland) that he was responsible from school pickup time (so I wasn't facilitating or paying for his childcare). And 50% of school holidays & inservice days etc

He's old enough to say how he feels, the issue is if he's actually saying how he feels or if he's saying how stbxh feels/wants. The issue with trialing 50/50 is would Stbxh let him say if it's not working or would he guilt DS into continuing no matter how he feels? DC started spouting how 50/50 would be fair, parroting stbxh. I told them we wouldn't be doing that, SEN and abuse involved, but Me and their Dad would be discussing what they needed with the help of a mediator and that it isn't about what Dad or I wanted it was about what is best for them. While the eldest is old enough to say what she wants, she's also far to young to stand up to stbxh who is perfectly capable of saying all sorts to get what he feels he deserves.