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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He has lied. Over and over again. Why can’t I let him go?

29 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/05/2023 01:17

Please could someone help me understand myself and then I may be able to move forward.

Been with dp for 15 years. 3 kids.

He has always been so loving, can be so lovey dovey my mates are like 🤮. Sorry, couldn’t think of a clearer way to explain it.

over the years I found things out, mostly to do with money. Thousands overdrawn (in my name first time), on nothing in particular, just living champagne lifestyle on lemonade wage.

This happened 3 or 4 times. Debt in his name. Thousands. Takeaways, eating out etc. I had no idea.

Porn. Found out he was regularly watching porn even though at this point we weren’t hardly having sex, even though he knew this was very upsetting for me. Said he didn’t realise I would have a problem with it and would do it again, yep he did.

Foul temper. He used to be such a gentle kind man. Now he goes from staring into my eyes telling me he loves me, do I really really love him too, to Mr Angry. This is every ‘talk’ about our relationship. I stay calm and want to sort it out. It’s like he wants an argument while blaming me he hates arguments and can’t live like this?!

Lies and lies about big and little things. When I call him out on them, it’s my fault, I am unapproachable etc.

Just found out he smokes weed at weekends when I am in bed. Fuming I dare bring it up obviously. Angry shouting. It’s my fault he couldn’t feel he could tell me. Also said this about the money.

No sex. Hardly ever comes to bed.

Why can I not just pack his bags and tell him to FUCK OFF??

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/05/2023 01:28

Anyone please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/05/2023 01:37

I am really struggling, please could someone help

OP posts:
Chispazo · 28/05/2023 01:41

I think it's a trauma bond. Watch videos on YouTube about the trauma bond.
It took me years to give up on my x
You're programmed to fix the unfixable.
Xx

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/05/2023 01:42

Thank you, I will look now xx

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 28/05/2023 01:42

It's complex, I've been through this with stbxh, it took a long time to get to the point I told him I was down and absolutely meant it. There's a lot of loss and fear in there. History, memories of love and how he used to be, that last bit of hope you can fix things. Feeling like it's your fault because he's turned it all on you, thinking if he's right that means you can fix things. Feeling if you could just say things the right way he's understand and everything would change. Fear of change, fear of financial insecurity, fear of not seeing your DC every day, of missing them so much. Fear he'll end up getting DC 50/50 or conversely that he'll barley see them and you'll never get a break. Sunk cost fallacy, because you've invested so much, so many years in this relationship you feel like you can't walk away from it. Truma bond. Fear and hope and hurt and loss and memories are all tied up in there. Counselling can help you work through it, help you get to that place where you're ready to let go.

Monty27 · 28/05/2023 01:45

OP break out. It'll only get worse. Unless he has rehab.

Summer2424 · 28/05/2023 02:05

Hi @Bringonthesunforthewashing sorry you're going through this xx
I think you're thinking with your heart and emotions are getting in the way. This is natural, my Mum tried divorcing my Dad several times, she did eventually do it but after 20 years.
Give yourself time, this is not an easy decision.
Hope things workout for the best for you xx

FloofCloud · 28/05/2023 02:12

Look at the truth and not his lies, the truth is he's horrible, he lies and it's to someone he 'loves' nope you're worth more than that!

Chispazo · 28/05/2023 07:36

True about fear of change. The brain is hardwired to survive, not to flourish. And this is especially true when you are already ground down, depleted, eroded and depressed. A future, safer version of you will be able to face change.

It's really hard to bring about big change when you don't feel safe. I'd go through your fears and line up practical solutions.

Even though my x was awful to me, it was such a difficult decision to leave, which baffles me now.

Have faith in yourself to sort out what will need to be sorted out. Lot of new arrangements and practicalities, but have faith in yourself that you can get through them and that you will be safe as you make change. Keep telling yourself you will be safe. You're not leaving your tribe, you're not leaving the safety of the cave. Your amygdala thinks that's what's happening, so tell yourself over and over "I feel safe making this change".
Xx

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/05/2023 11:09

Thank you all.

I have been watching videos on narcissists and trauma bonding all night.

He has all the traits of a narcissistic person. I know I can’t ghost on like this. I am a shell of the person I once was. But there is this part of me that thinks he is kind and loving and would do anything for me and it’s all in my head.

Maybe he is right, I am unapproachable, he has to lie about money and drugs because of me.

I really don’t know what to do. I can’t face a future without him

OP posts:
Chispazo · 28/05/2023 11:27

You have to detach from the ''maybe he is right about me'' thinking.

You have begun to see yourself through his lens. And that is precisely what you need to let go of. Detach detach detach. If he's right about you in some regards, so what. You still get to view yourself through your own lens.

My x thinks I'm the devil. Just because I left him! If I was so awful, why did he hate me more for leaving?! why wasn't he relieved!? For a LONG time, I saw my leaving through his eyes. I mean, rationally I knew that I had to leave. But on an emotional level, he had successfully trained me to feel his feelings and not my own. So when I left, I felt so much vicarious guilt and shame and obligation and a very very strong desire to MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND, which he never ever did.
surprise, surprise. He was never going to say ok, I give you my blessing for having rejected me. You're right, you had no choice, you're right, your life is not a sacrifice to my convenience.

Nope. So. You have to edge away knowing that it's going to be very hard at first. But it will get better and you will bit by bit retrain your brain to view your self through your own eyes. And if he's over there thinking that you're ''unapproachable'' you will eventually be able to shrug over that.

Right now, he has trained you to feel conflicted, you had your perception that you're not happy with the way he's treated you but now you're wavering because he's made you believe (even partially) that you're unapproachable and that makes you doubt your conclusions. Don't doubt yourself. The path to freedom is to stand very certainly in your own interpretation of events.

Do you really believe that you're unapproachable???? And if you were, would that somehow justify all of his lies? I really do not think so. I think he is unapproachable, but either way, let it not matter to you anymore what his opinion of you may be.

Chispazo · 28/05/2023 11:35

And another thing about these narcs is that make us feel we owe it to them to always give them the benefit of the doubt, that we owe it to them to always see only the good in them even if frankly that 'good' seems to be about 5 per cent.

It's ok to just give up. It's ok to say yeh yeh, I'm unapproachable and you've been put through hell dealing with me, but I cannot visualise a future with you in which I am at peace.

I wasted years trying to ''clear my name'' to my x. As though it were a court case. He also had a few ''hooks'' to make me long to prove the opposite, and I would try so hard to prove I was there for him, blah blah blah.

I was a sucker. I got free (geographically) and then emotionally wasted THREE YEARS trying to clear my name, as though I were up in the dock trying to convince him of my innocence. This is why I know all about trauma bonds.

A quicker path to freedom would have been to say to him, ok so you think I'm a bitch for leaving you. Right. Ok. Well, onwards and upwards.

That would have been excruciatingly uncomfortable for me when the trauma bond was causing me to defend myself to him, but all that ever did was reinforce his belief that I needed his approval.

If I'd left accepting all of his bizarre insults, and just sat with that awful feeling til it passed I would have been freer sooner. Emotionally free.

If I ever ran in to him now, I would say ''I agree that you seem to hate me!''. Take away its power. Like, Yes YOU HATE ME, and still I'm standing, and flourishing.

Chispazo · 28/05/2023 11:38

''I really don’t know what to do. I can’t face a future without him''

You can. This life is more than just a read through. We get one life, and yours wasn't meant to be only a sacrifice to his convenience.

Gunpowder · 28/05/2023 11:39

None of it is your fault. You are not unapproachable and even if you were it wouldn’t be on you. Addicts will always find a way to justify their behaviour. Don’t fall for it.

It’s also not your fault for staying with him. It’s hard and it’s complicated for the reasons the wise PPs have outlined. If it was easy you would have left ages ago. I’m so sorry OP. I see you. I hope he either undergoes a fundamental change like rehab or that you find a way out. You deserve happiness and not to be on edge all the time.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 28/05/2023 11:40

I am so sorry your DP has changed and become such a different person.

Remembering all the good times, the fun and love you both had, will make it so much more difficult to consider moving forward without him. There is a lot of comfort that comes with staying in a relationship, even an unhealthy one, as it seems more safe than venturing into the unknown. That isn't ever a reason to stay.

It also sounds like he has problems with addiction. Addition to spending money, porn (the latter which really messes with people mentally - I always think such a red flag). He needs help with this, but this is not your responsibility.

It's an unhealthy environment for you and your children to be around, and staying with him is setting an example to the kids of what is acceptable in a relationship.

You know you need to leave him. It seems impossible to believe just now, but you will be so so much happier without him. It will be tough to begin with, but you will flourish without him.

It certainly sounds like he is very different from the person you fell in love with. Try to remember the person you fell in love with and had children with is gone now. He no longer exists.

9outof10cats · 28/05/2023 13:02

You cannot face a future without him????

Why, what does a future without him look like to you?

MoreCheesecakeNow · 28/05/2023 13:23

This does sound like a trauma bond and he's quite possibly a narcissist but only you would know that.
A trauma bond is literally like a drug addiction, that's why you can't let go despite all the awful things he does. The highs and lows of the relationship is what keeps you. You hold on in hope that the good times and the man you fell for will come back.
I hate to tell you this but you fell in love with a lie, a facade and every so often the mask slips and reveals his true self.
If he is indeed a narcissist then he's incapable of changing unless he goes to therapy to recognise and change his toxic behaviour and don't hang around waiting for him to do it. He has to do it off his own back.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 13:48

Maybe he is right, I am unapproachable, he has to lie about money and drugs because of me

Does anyone else in your life - family, friends, colleagues, neighbours - have this problem with you? that they have to lie to you? or is he gaslighting you to make you doubt yourself?

rwalker · 28/05/2023 13:54

Familiarity and ease is why a lot of People stay

Gowlett · 28/05/2023 14:03

My fella says it’s me as well, being “unapproachable”. He’s afraid to say anything to me… Honestly. If I say a single thing, try to discuss anything, big or small, he instantly combusts. Solidarity with you. It’s so hard. I’ve told mine to Fuck Off, he just keeps coming back. And I keep saying “next time”. I need to actually act on it… But it’s always down to me to “fix” everything.

BigPussyEnergy · 28/05/2023 14:04

I was in a similar relationship for 9 years. I even went to Codependents Anonymous as it was like an addiction for me.

I finally broke free about 18 months ago, breaking my own heart in the process, tried to rebuild my life, spiralled into depression, bumped into him 6 months later and slipped, begging him to come back.

He refused.

It was the hardest but also best thing he could have done. I’ve spent the last year dealing with it, focussing on myself and my kids. Building my business and my life up so that I have a great life without him, something I couldn’t envisage until very recently.

it won’t be easy but it will be good in the end.

I’ve dated a bit and avoided some similar situations by recognising the red flags quickly and getting out. I’m now happy on my own. But have meant someone kind and gentle, who I have hopes will turn into a decent relationship. But if it doesn’t that’s ok, because I’m ok on my own.

You can leave - I know all the reasons why you may not want to or feel that you can. But you deserve a better life than this. Even with the good times, which I imagine will only become fewer as the scales fall from your eyes.

Gowlett · 28/05/2023 14:05

There is familiarity & ease, rwalker. For sure. But sometimes it’s just that the bastard won’t piss off. It’s the same with guys who come running back from OW. We could get away so much easier if they didn’t cling on so bloody hard.

BigPussyEnergy · 28/05/2023 14:06

Gowlett · 28/05/2023 14:03

My fella says it’s me as well, being “unapproachable”. He’s afraid to say anything to me… Honestly. If I say a single thing, try to discuss anything, big or small, he instantly combusts. Solidarity with you. It’s so hard. I’ve told mine to Fuck Off, he just keeps coming back. And I keep saying “next time”. I need to actually act on it… But it’s always down to me to “fix” everything.

Mine said the same - it was always my tone, the timing, my approach, the words I used, he felt attacked etc

its all DARVO.

Gowlett · 28/05/2023 14:10

DARVO. Thanks for sharing that, BPE.

Yes, he’s said that he’s been bullied by me, our child, and even my mother! Honestly…