He has lied. Over and over again. Why can’t I let him go?

[Bringonthesunforthewashing]

Please could someone help me understand myself and then I may be able to move forward.

Been with dp for 15 years. 3 kids.

He has always been so loving, can be so lovey dovey my mates are like 🤮. Sorry, couldn’t think of a clearer way to explain it.

over the years I found things out, mostly to do with money. Thousands overdrawn (in my name first time), on nothing in particular, just living champagne lifestyle on lemonade wage.

This happened 3 or 4 times. Debt in his name. Thousands. Takeaways, eating out etc. I had no idea.

Porn. Found out he was regularly watching porn even though at this point we weren’t hardly having sex, even though he knew this was very upsetting for me. Said he didn’t realise I would have a problem with it and would do it again, yep he did.

Foul temper. He used to be such a gentle kind man. Now he goes from staring into my eyes telling me he loves me, do I really really love him too, to Mr Angry. This is every ‘talk’ about our relationship. I stay calm and want to sort it out. It’s like he wants an argument while blaming me he hates arguments and can’t live like this?!

Lies and lies about big and little things. When I call him out on them, it’s my fault, I am unapproachable etc.

Just found out he smokes weed at weekends when I am in bed. Fuming I dare bring it up obviously. Angry shouting. It’s my fault he couldn’t feel he could tell me. Also said this about the money.

No sex. Hardly ever comes to bed.

Why can I not just pack his bags and tell him to FUCK OFF??

This sounds so similar to my H’s behaviour, always the victim, everyone around him is a bully. He left me over 9 weeks ago and I’m in an awful state despite him being a vile person to me now. I need to research DARVO and trauma bond. Hope you are well

Been there OP, my ex of 23 years was always on the hunt to shag other women, our entire relationship always had other women on the fringes, he had a full EA 4 years ago and it was a proper effort to get her into bed.

But despite all the heartache and the tears i couldnt let him go, just took all the shit on the chin and cried in the shower. The EA broke me, really devastated me but i still begged him to stay

4 years on we have split up, and it was my decision, he was a selfish lazy man and i had enough of being last on his list.

We have been apart 6 months, i mourned our relationship and cried so much, especially after only 8 weeks apart he moved in with EA woman.

But now i am fine, i know he will never change and although he is probably being Mr perfect to her for now and putting on the charm, leopards dont change and he will slide back to lazy and selfish.

I am thriving and the heartbreak for the first 4 months was worth it because i am free of him. I am in a relationship now, its very new but for once its nice to not to worry about when he will be leaving me for another woman or feeling sick when his phone goes off.

My advice OP, run, they will never change, i never thought i could let ex go and i too think it was a very co dependent relationship, but i did it and the future is so much brighter.

I do have times of missing him and missing our 23 years together and shared history but to be free of him and his insecurities is worth it.

You miss the version of him you wish he was.

The reality is he is a financially abusive burden on you.

Kick him out. He has broken the terms of your relationship by lying to you and stealing from you.

@Bringonthesunforthewashing
Unfortunately, no where is it written that you cannot or will not love or want the wrong man.

You will let him go when you can no longer tolerate his behavior , or when you come to love yourself more than you want him.

The alternative is that he may find another gullible or needy woman and leave you. For this you might pray.