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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child with additional needs, separation and finances.

35 replies

260392ce · 24/05/2023 22:45

My partner recently left me and our 3 year old son. There was no warning, it was the day before my birthday and he walked into the kitchen and said ‘I don’t love you anymore. I am leaving’.

He has gone to live at his Mums house. His Mum has looked after our child but he has now started nursery and is there one day a week.

we have recently started the graduated pathway to get our son an EHCP (Educational Health Care Plan) for starting school in September 2024. He has additional needs but we are not sure specifically what these are.

currently we have a flexible arrangement for contact but I have proposed Sunday evenings from 5pm until Monday at 5pm. He suggested the 5pm on a Sunday as he has to work nights at the weekend to repay a big loan my parents gave him in order to prevent baliffs knocking on the door (I had no idea about the debt). He is threatening to take me to court for more contact but whenever my son comes home his behaviour is awful. He hits, screams and smacks me in the face. The rest of the week he is absolutely fine. He is fed McDonald’s, sugar etc and last week his tea was a Mcflurry and a Strawberry milkshake.

My son has found the transition over the last 8 weeks really difficult. He screams for me at night, he does not want me to leave him and whenever I go into his room in the morning or pick him up from nursery he says ‘Mummy came back’ which breaks my heart. His understanding of the situation is minimal. Although he is 3.5 years, developmentally he is around 2.

With having additional needs, (which Dad has never acknowledged and told me I was crazy for seeking speech and language support and audiology support) if his Dad chose to take me to court would they take him finding the transitions difficult and unsettling into consideration? Would they acknowledge that Dad only saw him for a couple of hours in the evening and worked all weekend (encouraging us to go to my parents each weekend)? 50/50 custody would not suit his needs, he would struggle with the changes in expectations and consistency of boundaries.

I guess I looking to see if anyone has any recent experience with a situation similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 22:46

I will also add that he has refused to contribute to the £800 a month nursery fees. He has only paid his share in the bills and mortgage, he has not contributed to anything for our son or provided the additional food he needs at nursery (he doesn’t always eat the food they cook so we have to provide extra Hipp organic meals).

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 22:48

Have you applied to cms? I have a child with additional needs but my ex doesn't bother with her so can't give advice on that but you need to apply for child maintenance

Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 22:55

@CadburyDream I haven’t because I have requested a figure of £450 a month. The CMS website says based off of his £37k salary (from the 2 jobs) he would need to pay £360 but with everything I need more than that to support him.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 22:57

Your ds will get used to the routine.
Make visual schedules
Go to daddy s houise
Sleep there
Nursery
Come to mummy house

Use real photos of places and people

If dad is now willing to do 50 50 go for it!

But address the finsnces properly and use cms if needs be

Not sure why you need to provide organic hipp
Are there cheaper snacks he eats?
How many hours in nursery? Can he eat later at home? (Ds has asd he eventualy ate what the other kids ate)

Your ds behaviour is his way of communicating but he will settle. Use the visual schedules. Stay calm .

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 22:58

Unfortunately he doesn't have to pay more than child maintenance calculator says. Could be worse my ex has to pay £7 a week. Sadly your ex legally only has to pay what cms tell him to and nothing more (unless he wants to which most dont)

LadyJ2023 · 24/05/2023 23:03

You do know the little ones bad behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with what he eats. The poor little lad doesn't know where he is at, daddy has gone and now he sees him once a week...unfortunately you should really be letting him see daddy more if he is asking to 5-5 isn't particularly fair for contact. Money thing is bad but it doesn't make a bad dad.

Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:09

I do not want to do 50/50 at all. I do not want my son and myself to be punished because he decided to leave. I have been his primary carer and meeting all of his needs and Dad was just who he played with if that makes sense. I have no intentions of doing 50/50 because he can’t meet his needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:17

@LadyJ2023 Yes, I am aware that the behaviour isn’t down to what he eats. It is his way of communicating that he doesn’t understand the situation. It’s the fact he works weekends to repay my parents, he has no car to transport him to nursery etc and refuses to support him financially. Im
not preventing them having a relationship but a child with additional needs, needs a consistent set of expectations otherwise they can’t cope. It sets him up for a bad week at nursery, it messes up his sleep routine. He has the routine and consistency with me, which is what he needs, he doesn’t have that with Dad.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 23:19

The reality might be different to what dad says.
But if he really willing to step up to 50 50 that is not a bad thing.
You say grandma looked after him so she is a consistent person to get on side.
Unless there is actual neglect or abuse then having shared arrangement with more contact might not be all bad.
Playing with him does not sound bad at all.

cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 23:23

Do you want dad to have no contact?
What are you proposing?
Use visual schedules to try and explain
Your ds will get used to a new routine ( ds has severe sld and asd surprisingly he got used to lots of changes over time, with time and use if visual schedules etc)
Do you trust the grandma?

cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 23:26

Have you spoken to nursery snd his slt about what is going on?
Ask for their support in communicating the changes
See a lawyer or go to cms for maintenance

Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:26

@cestlavielife I don’t want to lose my child 50% of the time. He walked away. We are 8 weeks on and he has not given me a reason. He needs his Mummy, playing is great I agree but there are no boundaries or ‘parenting’. That has always been down to me.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 23:30

I doubt you will "lose your child" 50 % but if dad is up to doing more than once a week it might help.
Maybe try to go to mediation and set a parenting agreement
There are template forms online for parenting agrreement
You can set out needs etc
Maybe get the slt to support

Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:30

@cestlavielife i don’t trust that they will meet his needs. I’m not opposed to a relationship but I am opposed to 50/50 as I do not think it is in my sons best interests. Example, in February he was put on a My Plan, dad never even read it. I asked him to. I wanted to work on targets at home. One of the targets was around play, I tried to get him to play games to help him achieve the target, he never did. The targets I worked with him on he achieved. He has laughed at me for 18 months when I said something isn’t right with him, he told me I was ridiculous, he never acknowledged it and still hasn’t. Nursery called us both into a meeting 2 weeks ago, he attended but didn’t engage he just sat there. It was about his son and his needs and he just sat there.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 23:37

Denial isnt unusual....
It does sound difficult
But there is nothing that screeches dad should not have more contact...with a child with additionsl needs having a break is positive. Presumably he recognises dad and is happy to see him?
Speak to nursery about the separation
Ask for their support. To draw up a plan
Did he just start nursery recently as well?
Things will settle

Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:48

@cestlavielife right now I don’t want a break. I just want him to know that Mummy will never leave him. I want to comfort and protect him and help him understand. Nursery have been supportive, but he has no way of getting him to/from nursery (he would not cope with an hour bus journey before nursery, and nursery agree with this). I just don’t understand how you can just leave your child and cause him such trauma without even giving a reason. He started nursery in January and they are progressing him now for an EHCP. He recognises dad and is happy to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
260392ce · 24/05/2023 23:49

@cestlavielife he goes to nursery 4 days a week. I am a primary school teacher so I see the upset/unease/confusion that 50/50 split can cause children. Children without additional needs struggle with it.

OP posts:
YourSpleenIsDamp · 25/05/2023 00:39

Have you applied for DLA for your DS? You don't need a specific diagnosis, just to be able to demonstrate that DS requires more care than a typical child of the same age. It's not means tested either, so your being in work wouldn't affect any award.

Nat6999 · 25/05/2023 01:11

Claim DLA, don't tell your ex or he will no doubt knock whatever you get off what he pays. Look on Entitledto.co.uk if you would get any UC as a carer if ds gets DLA, I know that parents of children with additional needs get extra premiums on Child Tax Credits.

coxesorangepippin · 25/05/2023 02:10

So a strawberry milkshake and a mcflurry is a good dinner?? I'd be in a bad mood too if I ate that

CherryBlossomAutumn · 25/05/2023 02:29

I actually stayed with my DSs father for a while because I knew that our disabled DS would go really downhill with split contact. But you don’t have that option do you, as he walked out?

So I get it. Most of my friends also said ‘why are you not wanting a break’ etc when I stated that all contact should be centred around DS and his particular disability needs. Of course I’d love a break but kids with disabilities aren’t as resilient in many cases, mine wasn’t. I also had safeguarding concerns.

So decide what your DS needs OP, make a good case for it and absolutely fight for his right to be able to have a secure and stable life. Don’t get swayed by ‘his father has a right’ etc. The courts are supposed to centre everything around the child, so absolutely be the one voice that advocates for him.

One other thing you can do is have some structured activities that your DS likes to do, and suggest your Ex takes him to those. This massively helped my Ex to realise what DS needed. Your Ex might also need a bit of help in that he doesn’t sound like he has much of a clue but if he could have some things to take him to, whatever it is like going to lego or take him swimming, something where he can bond with him within an environment where there is maybe an additional needs swim instructor also assisting or whatever.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 25/05/2023 02:37

I don’t want to lose my child 50% of the time. He walked away. We are 8 weeks on and he has not given me a reason.

These things have no bearing on how much contact he would be awarded in court. You should go and see a lawyer who will outline the options for you.

nunsflipflop · 25/05/2023 02:52

Although you claim you can meet your child’s needs better than his father, it comes across that because he hasn’t given you a reason why he left, you are with holding your child from seeing their father as a punishment.

Lots of children travel for an hour at the end of each day to get to school and nursery, some have longer days to begin with as they use wrap around school care.

A huge number of children manage 50/50 shared care as long as it is regular and reliable.

This about a child having equal access to both parents.

You cannot enforce him paying more than the CMS amount unless he agrees, but whilst he has this huge debt he is paying off, I wouldn’t expect to get any more.

Time for you both to sit down as adults, mediation is designed especially for parents like you that just need a safe space to make choices and decisions in the best interests of your child.

francesthebadger · 25/05/2023 05:47

I think an expert opinion on what is in your child's best interests may be helpful. As PPs have said, decision-making should centre your child. Just because some DCs with additional needs can cope with transitions between households/carers, it doesn't follow that every DC can. Are you in an assessment process at the moment? Are there health professionals you can discuss this with?

febrezeme · 25/05/2023 06:05

Unfortunately a court - if it went that far - would likely enforce 50/50

If he gets 50/50 then he doesn't have to pay ANY CMS that's the harsh reality

Sounds like he's already paying more than CMS indicates he should so I don't think I'd rock the boat about money to be honest - if he's paying half the bills like you say then he is contributing financially towards his child

I'd try and negotiate with him - if he wants some extra time then increase it to 2 nights over one weekend