Child with additional needs, separation and finances.

[260392ce]

My partner recently left me and our 3 year old son. There was no warning, it was the day before my birthday and he walked into the kitchen and said ‘I don’t love you anymore. I am leaving’.

He has gone to live at his Mums house. His Mum has looked after our child but he has now started nursery and is there one day a week.

we have recently started the graduated pathway to get our son an EHCP (Educational Health Care Plan) for starting school in September 2024. He has additional needs but we are not sure specifically what these are.

currently we have a flexible arrangement for contact but I have proposed Sunday evenings from 5pm until Monday at 5pm. He suggested the 5pm on a Sunday as he has to work nights at the weekend to repay a big loan my parents gave him in order to prevent baliffs knocking on the door (I had no idea about the debt). He is threatening to take me to court for more contact but whenever my son comes home his behaviour is awful. He hits, screams and smacks me in the face. The rest of the week he is absolutely fine. He is fed McDonald’s, sugar etc and last week his tea was a Mcflurry and a Strawberry milkshake.

My son has found the transition over the last 8 weeks really difficult. He screams for me at night, he does not want me to leave him and whenever I go into his room in the morning or pick him up from nursery he says ‘Mummy came back’ which breaks my heart. His understanding of the situation is minimal. Although he is 3.5 years, developmentally he is around 2.

With having additional needs, (which Dad has never acknowledged and told me I was crazy for seeking speech and language support and audiology support) if his Dad chose to take me to court would they take him finding the transitions difficult and unsettling into consideration? Would they acknowledge that Dad only saw him for a couple of hours in the evening and worked all weekend (encouraging us to go to my parents each weekend)? 50/50 custody would not suit his needs, he would struggle with the changes in expectations and consistency of boundaries.

I guess I looking to see if anyone has any recent experience with a situation similar.

You sound bitter that he has left and you are using the child as punishment. He needs to see his dad more than once a week and the dad should not be punished for leaving you. Yes if he took it to court I expect he would get significantly more contact (assuming no safeguarding concerns as you haven't mentioned any). He sounds like a dad that wants to be involved but maybe not do everything the way you say it has to be done

It sounds very stressful. But I think you need to separate the split to some degree from your sons needs. Your ex doesn’t earn a huge amount and is paying off debt, you need to run two households now, if you aren’t already you will need to work to sustain yours. Saying you ‘need’ x doesn’t help if he doesn’t earn enough for that now sadly. Ensure you’re getting all benefits you’re entitled to.
Perhaps dad and granny having your son for a longer period could help. Would getting granny on side help them understand the additional needs your son has?
We always had a calendar when DC were little showing where they were day to day to help them understand. Perhaps this could help him with the change of routine?

This is a good idea. However it is very common for kids with additional needs to have a lot of stress around transitions. This is why I don’t understand why anyone would think that she is not acting in her child’s best interests. Her child is clearly coming back distressed.

In reality OP very few people take kids with additional needs serious. With all the talk of acceptance around neurodiversity, I still think kids needs are being ignored and this is especially true after separations imho. I talked to a few solicitors about my child’s different needs, which meant that the traditional EOW or 50/50 would not work at all. I even cited cases of safeguarding issues, of bullying and of lack of care on Exes side resulting in deterioration of DSs emotional and physical wellbeing. They warned me that courts could see it as ‘my word against his’. Which I thought was absolutely appalling.

Kids with additional needs are extremely vulnerable. They are much more likely to be neglected, abused or suffer from bullying. So just be prepared to stand your ground OP. But as I said before, if his father could be supported, even if this is by you, to take good care of your child through access that was more structured then that helps everyone. As he will need to be in the child’s life, it’s just finding a way that doesn’t result in your child’s extreme stress.

Seriously I meant! 😳

He hasn’t left his DS though, he has left you and he has given a reason - he no longer loves you. I know that’s really hard but it sounds like you are punishing him for leaving you.

OP, I think a lot of posters won't have a good understanding of what it means to have a child with additional needs, and the challenges of maintaining emotional regulation, the difficulties that can be posed by transitions, or the level of pro-active management of social interactions that may be needed to help maintain a state of psychological safety.

I don't know what your child's needs are, but I would try and get these explored by appropriate professionals, and documented, together with key strategies to maintain their wellbeing. This should be the shared starting point for determining how you and exP can work together to meet your child's needs.

This may in any case resolve itself. When the realities of the amount of hard work and adaption of lifestyle that are required to support a child with additional needs becomes clear, mothers tend to end up with the lion share of the responsibility...

You’re not coming across well op
you are coming across as using your child’s needs to punish a dad and prevent him from having more contact because actually YOU don’t want to be away from your child. Which I get but it’s still wrong

one day a week is not enough
he’s left you not the child

the best thing you can do is work on a schedule and strategies to facilitate more time and understand what needs to be in place in order to achieve it rather than the approach you are taking now

OP, he gave a reason for leaving. He said that he no longer loves you. I think that you are equating not loving you with not loving his son. The 2 are very different things.
Go to get your CM set , and if his grandmother is willing to continue keeping him for the 1 day, you should consider that option.

I am the mum of a non verbal child with asd so I fully understand the need for routines however I think you are being unreasonable. It's not about dad but your sons right to proper relationship. Routines can change and adjustment is necessary. My son will have an absolute meltdown if he has to go in a different door to nursery for example so i do get it. If dad is as useless as he sounds he will soon get fed up.

He's had no choice but to leave the home his son is in as he doesn't love you.

Also are you claiming childcare back if you're entitled to, or tax free childcare at least? Make sure you are getting dla. you dont need a formal diagnosis. If dad is paying half the bills then of course he won't be paying more cm than due. Your bills should be your responsibility now.

I think there is quite a lot of misogyny on this thread and a failure to recognise who, at population level, does the emotional labour needed to care for disabled children, and the implications of this on both earnings potential and the wellbeing of all parties.

That said, I think the starting point has to be a clear understanding of what your individual child needs, and the environmental conditions and strategies that work for them, and you both use that to guide your negotiation? Perhaps there are alternatives to explore?