Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Right of first refusal childcare

72 replies

NeedSleepNow · 22/05/2023 17:16

My ex is pushing for right of first refusal if I am ever needing someone to look after the children, even if just for 1 hour. Surely this is madness and just another method of control if I can't ask a friend to have the kids for 30 minutes after school if I'm stuck at work etc. I don't go out in the evening, don't go for weekends away, so never organise babysitters but he hates that I have asked my sister in the past to look after the kids for a few hours at a time. Has anyone else been in the same situation? How on earth can it work? I just don't want him to still have this level of control in our lives going forward, when I can't even ask a friend to look after the kids for an hour.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2023 07:31

Just don’t even engage in this nonsense
its not required, intrusive, controlling, and diesnt benefit anyway

you already know that if you want a weekends away or anything you’ll ask him

just don’t even entertain it

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 07:35

Can you just not tell him about aby arrange you make that don't involve him? Why does he know all the ins and outs of your life? Eg if I was ill and my mum came to help me out for a day or 2 it wouldn't even cross my mind to tell my ex.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 07:50

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 07:35

Can you just not tell him about aby arrange you make that don't involve him? Why does he know all the ins and outs of your life? Eg if I was ill and my mum came to help me out for a day or 2 it wouldn't even cross my mind to tell my ex.

He was so angry I hadn't told him. Says he had a right to know if someone else is helping me out and it should have been him. The last thing I wanted or needed when I was ill was him hanging around the house and I think it would have been confusing for the kids for him to have been looking after them here. I avoid telling him most things as he is so controlling and wants to get involved and take over anything he can, so he just accuses me of never communicating, excluding him... I don't think he realises that things change when you separate or get divorced

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 07:52

millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2023 07:31

Just don’t even engage in this nonsense
its not required, intrusive, controlling, and diesnt benefit anyway

you already know that if you want a weekends away or anything you’ll ask him

just don’t even entertain it

Thanks, I think I've got into the bad habit of feeling like I have to reply to every one of his questions and requests and to justify my each and every decision to him.

OP posts:
SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 07:52

So someone else told him? Is he putting pressure on the DC to tell him everything that goes on when he's not with you? Because that's fairly abusive.

Redlarge · 23/05/2023 08:00

ladykale · 22/05/2023 17:29

Why is it such a bad thing if he's a non-resident parent?

Surely it's good that he spends more time with his kids, but you need to specify that it only applies if he lives a certain distance from you.

Will be provide reliable childcare in that case or just spitefully mess up your plans?

Because its about control. He wants to know where and when she is childfree to see what shes doinh and control it.

Redlarge · 23/05/2023 08:01

NeedSleepNow · 22/05/2023 18:43

The thing is, he essentially wants this written in stone for the next 10 or so years which I am just not happy about. I don't believe he is doing this for the children's best interests but it is more for him and he is wanting to be able to come here where I am living to look after them which I am really not comfortable with.

Show quote history

Stand your ground its unreasonable and controlling. Even say you dont want him in your house if he wants them. Bet he becomes less interested then.
Its control and to keep tabs on you.

millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2023 08:05

He has no right to know
Stop telling him

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 08:12

Are you actually now divorced?

In which case you need to sort out an occupation order that you have peaceful quiet enjoyment of your home DESPITE his financial part ownership. It's no longer his home.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 12:56

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 08:12

Are you actually now divorced?

In which case you need to sort out an occupation order that you have peaceful quiet enjoyment of your home DESPITE his financial part ownership. It's no longer his home.

Not yet, I am able to apply for the financial order in a couple of weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 12:58

millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2023 08:05

He has no right to know
Stop telling him

I'm not usually telling him, the kids might do or he turns up at the house, drives past and sees who's car is there, rings the home phone etc.

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 23/05/2023 13:10

I'd be more concerned about the level of harassment he's subjecting you to. It sounds like you need a non-molestation order before anything else. Have you looked into this? He has no right to be scoping out your home and calling you endlessly.

OhBling · 23/05/2023 13:17

I have to agree to essentially asking his permission for anyone to help me for the next 10 years or so.

This is the crux of it. It's clearly a control tactic. And it allows him to keep tabs on you. What happens when you ARE dating - suddenly he's there and aware every time? And of course, in most cases, this sort of childcare makes most sense in your own home and you don't want him there. I know someone else whose ex thinks the exact same and who has had complete meltdowns in the past if she has asked a family member to watch her DC for a couple of hours for whatever reason. His argument is that BOTH parents have to agree for anyone else to look after the DC. Such batshit - DH and I are happily married but it's not unusual for one of us to wander into the house casually announcing that we let DD go off with Jane or DS is going to Pete's house or whatever.

He's part owner but is he still paying the mortgage? becuase I'm not convinced that just becuase he's still the owner means he can swan in and out whenever he likes. If you rent, the landlord can't just come =hang out in your kitchen. He shouldn't be able to either.

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 13:33

Well once the divorce is done he never sets foot in your home again regardless. Hardly an option for him to then do all this extra ad hoc childcare when it can't be at yours.

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 13:36

First refusal of childcare is usually around a 50:50 split and one parent wants to use full time childcare or live in nanny just to deprive the other parent from have more overnights and therefore having to pay maintenance. Again the flip side but about control!

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 16:00

OhBling · 23/05/2023 13:17

I have to agree to essentially asking his permission for anyone to help me for the next 10 years or so.

This is the crux of it. It's clearly a control tactic. And it allows him to keep tabs on you. What happens when you ARE dating - suddenly he's there and aware every time? And of course, in most cases, this sort of childcare makes most sense in your own home and you don't want him there. I know someone else whose ex thinks the exact same and who has had complete meltdowns in the past if she has asked a family member to watch her DC for a couple of hours for whatever reason. His argument is that BOTH parents have to agree for anyone else to look after the DC. Such batshit - DH and I are happily married but it's not unusual for one of us to wander into the house casually announcing that we let DD go off with Jane or DS is going to Pete's house or whatever.

He's part owner but is he still paying the mortgage? becuase I'm not convinced that just becuase he's still the owner means he can swan in and out whenever he likes. If you rent, the landlord can't just come =hang out in your kitchen. He shouldn't be able to either.

No he doesn't contribute towards the mortgage, I have paid it and all the household bills by myself for the last 2 years. Although he loves to tell anyone that will listen that he still pays for the house when in actual fact he just pays child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 16:14

BillyNoM8s · 23/05/2023 13:10

I'd be more concerned about the level of harassment he's subjecting you to. It sounds like you need a non-molestation order before anything else. Have you looked into this? He has no right to be scoping out your home and calling you endlessly.

No I haven't really looked into it. It does feel like harrassment at times and I hate the feeling that he seems to know what I am doing and when. I just want a peaceful like where when it is his time with the children I only see him briefly at pick up/drop off and when it is my time I don't have to see him. I feel like I have to see him more now that we are getting divorced than I did when we lived together.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/05/2023 16:53

Speak to Rights of Women about the threshold for an occupation and/or non-molestation order. They will guide you through the process.

OhBling · 23/05/2023 17:23

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 16:53

Speak to Rights of Women about the threshold for an occupation and/or non-molestation order. They will guide you through the process.

Yes - get some advice on this because I think owning the house is irrelevant and the fact that he's not paying the mortgage is even MORE of a reason why he can't just come and go whenever he feels like it. Does he let himself in? Because that's just another control technique.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about any of this? If nothing else, it needs to be agreed what percentage he owns as he's no longer contributing to the cost of the house including mortgage and upkeep.

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 19:34

TBH I suggest you speak to Next Link or the equivalent in your area about taking legal steps to reduce the level of emoabuse you are being subjected to. They could at least help you set some boundaries with him.

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 19:34

Sorry, that should say Emotional Abuse, don't know why my phone shortened it.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 23/05/2023 22:57

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 19:34

TBH I suggest you speak to Next Link or the equivalent in your area about taking legal steps to reduce the level of emoabuse you are being subjected to. They could at least help you set some boundaries with him.

I've not heard of Next Link before, I will look it up, thank you

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread