50/50 justification

Dillydallydonut · 2023-05-20T21:12:30+00:00

Divorcing H and he's stated he wants children (primary school aged) 50:50, despite never having done 50% of anything & happily let me do all parenting responsibilities. Why am I having to argue against this position, rather than him having to prove he is capable & that a big change in contact is the right thing for the children. I find it so entitled & frustrating that the starting position is 50:50, rather than mirroring the current position of me doing the majority of the care. How is it in the best interest of the children to significantly change their current routine, cause them stress & remove them from my care when I'm their constant? It feels like his wishes of 50:50 are more important than anything else. I'm also not sure he'll compromise. Will mediation help me convince him amicably that 50:50 isn't in their best interest?

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2023 22:23

Many men say this because they want to avoid maintenance. They forget that this means they will be responsible for all costs while the DC are with them. Also that it means they can’t just do their own thing on weekends and evenings etc.

Do you think that this reality will change things for him? Can you go in with a list of costs that will be shared eg after school care (although this might be solely up to him depending on your work arrangements), activities, school trips and uniform? Be inquisitive - say to the mediator that you want to confirm that whoever has the DC for that week will be responsible for after school care costs plus taking time off work when they are poorly. Also that you’d like all activity costs to be shared equally. I’d propose that he pays and you will pay him back.

Im hoping for your sake he doesn’t have family close by who will take on all his responsibilities for him.

Id also try to appear unbothered by it in case he is suggesting it as a form of control and punishment.

But I completely agree with you. It absolutely shits me that men pay their children no heed while they are married but expect 50-50. If it’s that important to them why haven’t they been doing it all along

BetterFuture1985 · 20/05/2023 22:45

Sorry but this is sexist drivel. Maybe they want 50/50 to spend time with their children?

A lot of men during the marriage were stuck in the same situation as me, forced to work all hours because my ex-wife refused to work. When divorce came around for me I decided, no, she wasn't getting everything her way anymore. The finances weren't going to be my sole responsibility whilst she got all the family time.

Long story short, she was forced to get a job and I get time with my kids and unlike the sexist drivel pumped out on this site I'm just as capable a parent as she is.

overitunderit · 20/05/2023 22:47

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CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 22:51

My ex had this plan too… the 50:50 arrangement was abandoned after less than a month as the kids hated it and he was fucking useless. Which was a shock to no one apart from his deluded self.

millymollymoomoo · 20/05/2023 23:04

Roles change on divorce
many men who previously work long hours to provide change or adapt roles to allow themselves to be able to have the children more

just as many women start to work more

despite the drivel
Spouted on here it’s not always about maintenance and in many ways Betterfture is right !

if he can accommodate 50:50 why shouldn’t he be allowed that ?

QueefQueen80s · 20/05/2023 23:27

We do 50/50 and it's great, they have a closer bond with their dad than they had before as he became an equal caregiver, he stepped up. I get time to work or just be me. Unless a dad is abusive/criminal etc then I don't see why the mum should get the majority time.

Nat6999 · 20/05/2023 23:38

My exh thought he would get 50:50, he actually got EOW & 2 nights for tea on the week he didn't get the weekend. I could have got away with him only having EOW, but I decided he could have some responsibility during the week, so I had some time for me.

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 23:47

I don't see why so many are against 50/50 wish my ex wanted to be that involved I don't see why a father shouldn't have the children 50% of the time

BSB30 · 20/05/2023 23:51

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 23:47

I don't see why so many are against 50/50 wish my ex wanted to be that involved I don't see why a father shouldn't have the children 50% of the time

I've never understood it either. Child has as much right to spend the same amount of time with mum and with dad.

Op, the starting point is not 50:50. Fathers usually have to jump through hoops or fire to just get EOW and a couple of nights in between.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2023 23:53

How old are the children and would they not benefit from more time with him? Do you both work ft? See what mediation brings, how amicable that is will depend on how amicable things are now but go in ready to have an open discussion about what’s in the best interests of the children and how you can achieve it between you.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 20/05/2023 23:55

Surely the dc have the right to be cared for 100 %? That isn't always likely from the parent who did fuck all before the split...

IneedanewTV · 20/05/2023 23:56

Sorry but now you are getting divorced things change and the dad is perfectly entitled to request 50:50 and more are now especially with wfh and flexible working. He might not have considered it before but now he is.

BetterFuture1985 · 21/05/2023 00:34

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I believe it's called an echo chamber.

You might think indoctrinating the OP with sexist ideas (which are actually sexist to both genders, not one or the other, so congratulations for that too) will help but what they really need is perspective. There are two types of divorce in this country. Those between people who think about the person they are divorcing that are cheap and those between people who don't that cost thousands.

Oneglassisnotenough · 21/05/2023 00:39

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I was about to say the same thing. You sound an absolute catch.

Please do close the door on your way out .

BetterFuture1985 · 21/05/2023 00:40

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 20/05/2023 23:55

Surely the dc have the right to be cared for 100 %? That isn't always likely from the parent who did fuck all before the split...

Who knows? My ex-wife technically did about 70% of the care, but she hated it and made sure everyone knew it. She only did more than me because she was shit at earning money too! There was no way I was going to let the children suffer and therefore it was imperative to have 50/50.

BetterFuture1985 · 21/05/2023 00:42

Oneglassisnotenough · 21/05/2023 00:39

I was about to say the same thing. You sound an absolute catch.

Please do close the door on your way out .

Show quote history

I wouldn't want to go anywhere near any of the anglers here, not making that mistake twice in my life😂

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 21/05/2023 01:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2023 23:53

How old are the children and would they not benefit from more time with him? Do you both work ft? See what mediation brings, how amicable that is will depend on how amicable things are now but go in ready to have an open discussion about what’s in the best interests of the children and how you can achieve it between you.

This is good advice. Go to mediation and talk, be prepared to listen, keep an open mind. The idea is you're both there to work out what is in your DCs best interests. 50/50 might be in the DCs best interest and it might not. Maybe working up to 50/50 would be in their best interests. Maybe something else would be best. I know some parents who have more unusual arrangements, Dad picks up kids from school two days a week, spends the afternoon with them, drops them at mums for bed, then has them EOW Friday to Monday.

Stbxh and I have started mediation, just individual appointments so far, our mediator said to write down a few things we feel are important to discuss before discussing the split of care. Things that we feel need to be considered and that a big part of her role is keeping discussion focused on the children's best interests and helping us hear each other. She said it can make a big difference having an independent person there repeating the points and I get that, we're so ready to snap at each other over the smallest things.

FWIW I will be fighting 50/50 if it becomes necessary, but there are specific reasons for this and Ive gotten legal advice. Our children have SEN, our DD has mental health issues and self harms, he has been emotionally abusive, both to me and our DC.

Deathbyfluffy · 21/05/2023 01:49

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It’s not support though, it is sexist drivel.
The site is open for men to join too (as I am) and it’s fair we get a say - after all equality means everyone’s opinion matters.

If you think men wanting to be fairly considered is ‘trolling’ then you’re part of the problem I’m afraid.

NotMeSecretFormular · 21/05/2023 02:32

Literally just wait and watch how it plays out. The vast majority argue for 50/50 and then barely bother. Courts cant make them do their bit. Keep child maintenance in your name. Put in a claim with (admittedly useless CMS as soon as 50/50 is obviously out the window). You can get an order to amend that kids live solely with you, or specific order issues other than that. Give him enough rope, he'll hang himself.

MintJulia · 21/05/2023 03:34

My ex said he wanted this too. It lasted exactly one weekend, until he realised he couldn't go to the pub on a Friday evening, and he couldn't play sport on a Saturday morning, and he couldn't go to work early on Monday because he had to do school run. 😁 For the last 11 years he's seen ds for 7 hours a week.

I'm sure some dads are brilliant and value time with their dcs. My ex doesn't.

Leave your ex to do his 50%. Don't help him, don't send clothes or toys, that is his job. Don't drop off or collect. Don't hover. Agree the hours and stick to them. See whether he steps up or not. If he does, that's great. Your dcs get an involved dad and you get downtime to further your career.

If he doesn't, you renegotiate.

MintJulia · 21/05/2023 03:39

FWIW most dcs seem to hate 50:50. Never having a proper home, always on the move, not having close friends because of being at the other house, never being able to relax.

Thinking about what the DCs would prefer is a good starting point, and working together to co-parent a happy child. Lose the bitterness and resentment. It isn't about what you want or what is fair. This is someone's childhood you are talking about.

EllandRd · 21/05/2023 04:32

BetterFuture1985 · 20/05/2023 22:45

Sorry but this is sexist drivel. Maybe they want 50/50 to spend time with their children?

A lot of men during the marriage were stuck in the same situation as me, forced to work all hours because my ex-wife refused to work. When divorce came around for me I decided, no, she wasn't getting everything her way anymore. The finances weren't going to be my sole responsibility whilst she got all the family time.

Long story short, she was forced to get a job and I get time with my kids and unlike the sexist drivel pumped out on this site I'm just as capable a parent as she is.

What do you want a medal?

mrsbitaly · 21/05/2023 07:19

I do get why your annoyed considering you've been doing all the care and he swans in now asking for 50/50.

But this is an opportunity for him to step up and do the right thing for your children. Maybe it will be good for you too considering you've been taking it all on.

I'll be honest though I don't think it will last once he realises what is involved. Give it a few months and he will be asking for one weekend on one weekend off which seems to be a popular choice.

This is already going to be a difficult time for your children. Being as amicable as possible and meeting the needs of the children is the most important thing. Try to go in with an open mind

Original poster

Dillydallydonut · 21/05/2023 07:31

Thanks all. I work locally & flexi 0.8 FTE with the opportunity to increase to FT. He is the bigger earner but we both have decent jobs & wages. This isn't sexiest drivel! I work 80% and do 80% of all childcare.
His demand of 50:50 isn't to pay less he genuinely feels this is the right thing. And if he'd done more during their lives I'd support it. DC 5&9. He's actively chosen to not - doesn't come on holiday, leaves all activities to me, finds reasons to be elsewhere, so isn't even present when in the house.
He does go out a fair bit & has never had to work round us as a family so his social life will be effected. No family nearby to help him out.

I'm concerned about the impact & stress on the DC from suddenly going to 50:50 when I've been with them consistently forever. He can get cross with them quick, & I won't be there to intercept. I worry about the upset & stress he'll cause them. But as I'm the one asking for divorce, his reply is I'm causing all the stress by leaving.

I think a compromise is to work up to 50:50 over a set period. Great advice to write a plan ahead of mediation.

It just frustrates that as he has chosen to opt out he now gets by default the option to dictate the future. The DC would be calmer & happier if I could maintain a routine.

OP posts:

IneedanewTV · 21/05/2023 08:52

MintJulia · 21/05/2023 03:39

FWIW most dcs seem to hate 50:50. Never having a proper home, always on the move, not having close friends because of being at the other house, never being able to relax.

Thinking about what the DCs would prefer is a good starting point, and working together to co-parent a happy child. Lose the bitterness and resentment. It isn't about what you want or what is fair. This is someone's childhood you are talking about.

This does have a lot of truth in it. I know two families who did 50:50 and kids hated never having a real home. Parents also found it difficult to really parent as neither wanted to be the bad parent on their watch.

however I have another friend where the did is very involved and the kids do get good quality time with him and the parents spilt all the sports watching etc