50/50 justification

[Dillydallydonut]

Divorcing H and he's stated he wants children (primary school aged) 50:50, despite never having done 50% of anything & happily let me do all parenting responsibilities.
Why am I having to argue against this position, rather than him having to prove he is capable & that a big change in contact is the right thing for the children.
I find it so entitled & frustrating that the starting position is 50:50, rather than mirroring the current position of me doing the majority of the care.
How is it in the best interest of the children to significantly change their current routine, cause them stress & remove them from my care when I'm their constant?
It feels like his wishes of 50:50 are more important than anything else. I'm also not sure he'll compromise.
Will mediation help me convince him amicably that 50:50 isn't in their best interest?

Mine love it, but then their dad is ace.

No, I don't want a medal. I am challenging people like you when you post harmful stereotypes based on lies on this forum.

My x wants 50:50. He's saying one week on one week off. It isn't in the kids' interests and they don't want it. I thinks it's partially just copying his affair partner's pattern of contact with her ex and partly motivated by him wanting to better his financial claim and partly by ego. Thing is; he f~€#d the marriage and our family by pursuing his affair. He's coming after the children so he can tell himself he's a good person/committed dad etc. but he'd be a much better person if h could accept the consequences of the situation he chose with good grace and listen to what his children want and need instead of inflicting more upheaval on me and the children.

Reading between the lines, this has nothing to do with his suitability as a father or the appropriateness of 50/50 contact but rather your desire to punish him for his affair. The Family court have no such interest in punishing this kind of conduct and the sooner you let that go the happier you will be.

It would have been nice if I hadn't had to have given the best part of 20 years' work to my slovenly, cheating ex-wife but unfortunately nine tenths of divorce law seems to be about helping those who refuse to help themselves, regardless of what else they have done!

Nope. No punishment involved. It's about prioritising the children's needs. I couldn't care less about his affair now. But the children care where they live and want stability and familiarity and don't want the changes he's pushing for. One of them has additional needs which make to-ing and fro-ing between locations and having to share their space with loads of new people intolerable. Upthread people have talked about the disadvantages of this type of pattern from a child's perspective. For one of my children the impact of this is heightened.
There's no barrier to him seeing them. He can come round whenever he wants. He lives locally and I have helped him significantly with housing costs but he's chosen to barely work.
He hasn't contributed anything since we split and I'm not pursuing CMS. I can house them and rear then - I paid for everything in our marriage anyways as I've always had a more stable job. But he sees getting me to sell the house as his opportunity for a windfall - it's sad he's prepared to sacrifice his children's security and standard of living to get it.

He can get cross with them quick, & I won't be there to intercept. I worry about the upset & stress he'll cause them.
I'm worried about that with stbxh too.

In his own words he wants 50/50 because that would be fair towards him, anything less wouldn't be fair and he's sure the mediator will be on his side about how unfair this all is to him. Not a word about the DCs needs. He also believes he should get 50/50 assets split because that's what he needs to get the house he wants and then he gets angry when I try to have a rational conversation that we just don't have the money for what he wants. He can get a large loan so even with 60/40 slit he'll end up with a much bigger nicer place, while I'm going to struggle to buy anything.

@Clytemnestra21 The children's best interests in your opinion. Which your ex might disagree with.

Which is why we have mediation.

BetterFuture - yea you're right that he and I disagree and mediation would be the ideal place to sort it. Sadly looks as though the mediator isn't able to tackle the fact he's blinded by his self interest. It's perhaps unsurprising he can't see my concerns and reservations but it's disappointing he can't be empathetic towards his children.
I also agree with you that divorce law seems to be about providing for/enabling those who've made little effort in a marriage and been irresponsible about destroying it. But I guess others would say that's just a perspective.

it may be beneficial for your DC to spend more time with their Dad & their relationship may improve. You don’t sound willing to give it a chance which is sad.

I'd hate to be a mediator.

@Clytemnestra21 Are you certain he's not the only one blinded by self interest?

BetterFuture - yea you're right that he and I disagree and mediation would be the ideal place to sort it.

Good

Sadly looks as though the mediator isn't able to tackle the fact he's blinded by his self interest.

Probably a very difficult job that you're both putting your self interest first, but that's what they're paid for I guess?

It's perhaps unsurprising he can't see my concerns and reservations but it's disappointing he can't be empathetic towards his children.

Depends if your concerns and reservations are reasonable or not. If you can't convince a mediator, perhaps some self reflection is warranted rather than blaming the other parent? You seem so sure you're right but a lot of parents struggle to see how the interests of their children aren't synonymous with their own.

I also agree with you that divorce law seems to be about providing for/enabling those who've made little effort in a marriage and been irresponsible about destroying it.

I'd describe it as "frustratingly neutral." My ex-wife cheated with multiple partners, gaslit me for over a year and then walked away with 70% of everything because she's a useless wastrel who is incapable of earning a living like a grown up.

But I guess others would say that's just a perspective.

Yep. It's especially fun as a man, when the entire system (and most of society) always assumes that when a couple gets divorced, it must be your fault.

Why didn’t you spend more time as a parent before divorce then? Why was it suddenly important to be a 50/50 parent only after you realised you’d have to pay maintenance?

There is a good evidential review of the effect of amount of time after divorce on the kids from Oxford. You could Google that OP. It reports thar 50/50 tended to be beneficial if both parents wanted this and there was high cooperation. It said there was no evidence that it increased the quality of the relationship with both parents, and that less time with the no residential parent - eg say a father was just as likely to result in a good relationship. It wasn’t the amount of time that mattered but the lack of hostility and financial support.

it reported that financial negative impacts and hostility were the biggest factors which were detrimental to children.

Because my ex-wife spent a lot more money than I could earn in a local job and refused to work. I had a choice between working in a job I had to commute to London to do + lots of overtime or bankruptcy. When I divorced I called time on that horrible arrangement, which is why I'm easily triggered when people try and claim the SAHP gave up a career or made all the sacrifices. Like hell they did!

50:50 is not the automatic best choice for children. For small children a dramatic shift in how often they see their primary caregiver can be very upsetting. Some families both parents are very hands on and so child feels safe and secure no matter what parent they are with. Those children are going to feel much happier going between the two homes.
I think you need to make it clear what 50:50 care means and you won’t be filling in for him. Some children will struggle with going over back and forth and honestly a good relationship is needed between parents for this to work.
Too many lazy, disinterested parents only decide they are interested in the children after the breakdown of the relationship. You can work full time and still be an involved parent. Realistically the best predictor of future behaviour is the past. Very few people ever actually change.

I don’t think 50/50 is that healthy though if there is a lot of antagonism, resentment and conflict between the parents. Which to be fair does sound like your situation if I’m right? As 50/50 involves quite a high degree of cooperation to work well. Kids homework, schooling, physical health etc all are more shared if there is a 50/50 arrangement rather than one parent taking the lead. And if there is little or no communication around this, or ‘working together’ kids can fall through the cracks.

You're right but left to her homework wouldn't get done and they'd live on junk food. It's a needs must that I have 40% contact to give them a healthy meal and clear the backlog of school work each week! It's very hard to fit that around a full time job but I consider it incredibly important. Hopefully in the next couple of years I can reduce hours at work and get some balance.

According to the thread you started whinging about your responsibilities

you don’t have 50/50. It’s 65/35

oh and before the divorce she was working part time, every weekend and a day during the week

loose with the truth

1. That was a while ago and 2) I meant close to 50/50.

Late last year

and oh you “meant close to 50/50”

I don’t call 35/75 “close” to 50/50

oh and you said your wife didn’t work.

She did. She worked part time and was studying

your poor ex

Yeah, must be a terrible life working 15 hours a week and getting given money by someone else to live a lifestyle you were incapable of generating yourself. Maybe you should run a telethon for these exes and whilst you're at it spare a thought for national lottery winners too😂

Quite the opposite

it is wonderful

and I have an ex that I get on very well with

win win 🤷‍♀️

Or if you’re talking about your ex… then again, another lie.

My goodness your ex must have endured some trauma with you.

will be keeping the evidence and telling my children about my ex-wife's multiple affairs when my youngest is 14.

despicable @BetterFuture1985
despicable

Chances are your ex will tell them
and they won’t be the least be surprised she had affairs and left you

She would have known divorcing you would be a hellish process poor thing

Good on her!

I think you have the right idea with looking to work towards 50:50 over a period of time. Although I'd suggest that you start with him having the children at the most inconvenient times for him such as friday and saturday evenings when he cant go out with mates to the pub. Let him see early on what he wont be able to do and you might well find he doesn't push to go 50:50.
If he does step up then great, I know so many dads that want their kids more and are being stopped by the mother for no reason other than spite. I'd love for my ex to have our girls more so theu have a better relationship but he chooses to not have a suitable home for them and to prioritise his gf.