Hand hold needed. Husband is being served divorce papers any day now.

[Champagne21]

Just looking for some support , I'm a bundle of nerves. I just got word from my solicitor today that they are sending out the divorce petition to my soon to be ex husband and that he has 14 days to respond.
He will be expecting the letter but he won't be expecting what's in it in regards to a share of the house ( it was his before we met) or his pension. That will definitely come as a surprise, he did tell me before that it should be a straightforward divorce and that there isn't anything financial to consider.
I just know he's going to take this badly, not the getting divorced part but what the divorce will mean financially for him. For context I have a 6 year old child with him and we moved out due to his issues.
I just hope he doesn't take this out on our son and start seeing him less as he is the type to do this.
We have been separated 2 years so I had to wait the 2 years to go down the No Fault route.
I've so much going through my head , like am I making a mistake. But I know I want to be divorced from him amd get a financial settlement so I cam move on with my life.
Just looking for some emotional support and encouragement, thank you. I'm a bit fragile at the minute so please be nice , thank you

You haven’t needed a reason to divorce for over 12 months now 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is natural to feel fragile at this stage, you are taking a big step but it is the right one. However he reacts, his behaviour is his responsibility not yours, and if necessary just re-direct any comment from him direct to your solicitor.

To save costs I did a lot of the negotiation myself and the solicitor recommended that I communicate through email because (a) it is less emotive in the moment and (b) you then have a written record of all discussions. So if you need to discuss things with him you might like to consider doing it like that.

Well done for getting this far, divorce is horrible but it's much, much better than staying together when you don't want to be. I am a year on from serving papers and now divorced, and the relief is huge.

Take a deep breath and prepare for a difficult few months while this goes through.

You're probably right that he will take it badly. All you can do is make sure your son receives extra support while the shit hits the fan. If he decides to see his son less, there is nothing you can do about that.

Ultimately if he can't agree to a fair settlement then the courts will decide what is fair.

"He did tell me before that it should be a straightforward divorce and that there isn't anything financial to consider."

Ha - I bet he did!

Good luck OP. This is the ripping-off-the-plaster part.

If he decides to see DS less, that's on him. I hope you get everything you've asked for as it's his behaviour that's caused the separation.

Good luck!

Well your solicitor can ask for anything
his solicitor can ask for anything

you’ll both likely need to negotiate and reach compromise

how long you were married will play a significant factor

@DustyLee123 where I live It's a 2 year wait for a no fault divorce

The system has changed, you haven't had to wait for over a year, you now wait 5 months after you file instead.

Just remember that you do NOT have to communicate or negotiate with him. You do not have to be alone with him That's what you're paying a solicitor for.

If he calls you, don't answer the phone if you don't want to. If you do, tell him that he needs to go through his own solicitor. If he argues or berates, put down the phone. One of the things that was really hard for me to get through my head was that I no longer had to cater to my exH, nor did I have to 'explain myself' to him. I was free to not answer the door or to shut it in his face, to not answer the phone or put it down on him. You have that freedom, too.

If you are actually afraid of him, if he has been violent in the past or has threatened you with violence, be sure your solicitor knows this and follow their advice regarding contacting the police or filing a restraining order.

As far as his contact with your son, that's up to him. If he chooses to be vindictive and take it out on your child by not seeing him, there's nothing you can do. Just be the same calm and loving mum that you are right now. If/when he does see your child, do not let him do so in your home. Drop offs and pick ups can be done in a public place or with a friend/relative with you if you feel safer that way.

Deep breaths. You will get through this. Just continue to put yourself and your child's wellbeing first.

Ireland has a two year wait and is no fault. Best of luck

OP hasn't said where she is but has said it's 2 years so let's believe her

@GoodChat thank you. I'm from Northern Ireland and here it is a 2 year wait if we want to do no fault divorce. If I did it sooner I would have had to give a reason such as unreasonable behaviour or desertion etc

@meandtheboy thanks so much for your great advice. We usually text about when he is taking our son so I will continue to text him so it's all recorded. The great thing about having a solicitor is that it will all go through her. However I will see his reaction to everything when he picks our son up and it will all be passive aggressive stuff. He's already started being awkward about things and this is before he even knows about having to split any of the assets.
He seemed to think that it would be a sign the dotted line and it would be over. I am so dreading this financial part , he has always been tight with money so this is going to really hurt him.

@AmandaHoldensLips thank you, the shit will most definitely hit the fan. I have read the petition so I know what he's going to get and I know he won't like what he reads especially the bit where it mentions the house and pension. I don't even know if I will try for the pension but i definitely will for the house.

If he's tight he's more likely to demand 50/50 custody then there is usually no child maintenance to pay (in UK)

@PizzazzRoxyStorma yes he actually said at Xmas when I brought up the topic of divorce, that it should be sign the dotted line and we're divorced. When I said about separating financially , he said but there's nothing financial to consider. It's because it was his house before we met, he doesn't seem.to understand when you get married, all that changes, especially if there are children. Either that or he's delusional or knows but doesn't want to admit it.
Either way this is 100 percent ripping off the plaster part but there's nothing else for it!

@AcrossthePond55 thank you so much. I will definitely not be engaging with him over the divorce, I'm so glad I got.a solicitor because there's no way I could have done this on my own, especially with someone as spiteful and stingy as him.
He's never been violent thankfully however you never know how someone will react if they are feeling threatened etc. I know he's going to react very badly to having to give me anything.
He is more likely to be passive aggressive, stop seeing our child etc and just generally trying to make my life difficult where he can

Oh OP, massive hugs to you. It's so hard isn't it. Please follow the advice of the above poster who said to let your solicitor deal with EVERYTHING. Don't get pulled into any negotiation with him. He may well get desperate and try the "Let's sit down and discuss this like adults, we don't need solicitors" thing- always say no.

I have been through this, and it's horrid. My ex was like yours, he owned a house before we got together, and somehow I was guilt tripped into letting him have everything when we divorced. It was a huge mistake, and had I followed my solicitor's advice, my DC would have been better off.

One thing I learned was that when relationships end, the dynamics of that relationship go on. xDH was always the boss and I never deviated from the role of obedience, even after we split. So you have to consider what your new role and attitudes are going to be (I recommend grey rock). I still slip up a lot and am always anxious when dealing with him, but I'm not obedient now.

Steel yourself and go for the pension too. Remember this is a "one bite cherry" situation and that this is the only time you'll be able to get your financial settlement.

It will well-known that the "motherhood penalty" is huge and it's real. Society likes to pretend that this isn't so, but women take a massive financial hit when they become mothers. It can be ruinous. More often than not, child support payments don't come anywhere near the real cost of raising a child.

Know that you are fighting for a fresh start for you and your son, which includes being able to provide a home and a degree of stability for both of you from which you can begin to rebuild a new life as a single parent.

You won't be able to choose to see your son less, or give less parental input. You will become the "default" parent and it will be you who picks up all the slack.

Bear this in mind and go for the financial settlement with balls of steel. Tough shit if he doesn't like it. You need to channel your inner Warrior Queen.

How long were you married?

I second the call to make sure you also go for the pension assets! One of the reasons women end up worse off after a divorce than their husbands is that they are more willing to give up a claim on their husband's pension in exchange for the house because they ascribe more emotional value to the house, when really the pension assets will likely be worth far more in the long run thanks to the magic of compound interest!

If he loves your son, he should be grateful for everything you did to grow, birth and raise him thus far. Even if you didn't contribute as much to the marriage financially as he did, your contributions were no less significant and you deserve to be recognised and compensated for them! Don't let him try and convince you otherwise!

Keep us posted. We are rooting for you!

@Valour thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry that you didn't get everything you deserved. The whole way through the marriage , he would always refer to it as his house, I never felt at home there as I knew it wasn't mine. And of course, when the marriage broke up, I felt I had to leave as it was his house and he would never leave.
I do feel a little bit guilty but then I think he has to provide for our son and I have him most of the time so I'm doing this for our son and our future.
I will relish being able to say to him, speak to my solicitor, if he tries to bring anything up

@AmandaHoldensLips wow thank you so much for this. I am literally going to copy and paste this
and re read it whenever I'm feeling weak!
You are so right , I get one chance at this and may as well get everything I'm entitled to by law. I am the default parent so no I will not get to pick and choose when I see my son as you rightly say. I also have taken a massive hit to my career as I was a SAHM while he worked. But he is so old fashioned that he does not recognise staying at home and raising a child as work, therefore I think he will probably have the attitude of How dare she , if I try to get some of his pension.
But your reply has made me think , screw it , I'm going to go for it if I'm entitled to it.
Again, thank you so much, I needed to read that ❤️

@erikbloodaxe So it wasn't a long marriage, we were together 8 and half years altogether and married for nearly 4 and half years before I left

@belladonna22 thank you so much for your wise words. You are absolutely right, if I hadn't stayed at home and done the childcare, my ex wouldn't have been able to work or he would have worked and spent a massive amount in childcare etc.
So yes I will be asking for whatever I may be entitled to from his pension as I have lost out.. I'm so glad the law sees it this way as well.
You would think he would care about where his son lives, his future but it appears not , especially when he is saying things like there are no financial things to share.
This is why I knew I needed a solicitor with him, this will have to be extracted from him, I don't think he will give anything voluntarily.
And I know he will try and guilt trip me, but I have to stay strong and keep thinking of my son. I'm only asking for what the law says I'm entitled to , nothing more or less.