Page 3 | Advice: how do I afford to give H the equity in the house?!

runningmom · 2023-05-06T22:09:56+00:00

Quickly: Amicable split this week after 20 years marriage and 2 kids. House worth £300k and about £200k in equity which my H will want half of at some point do he can start again with his life. How on earth do I release 100k from the house as I’d then have a 200k mortgage which I wouldn’t be able to afford. I earn about 40k a year; my H less. Am I better off selling so we both release equity and trying to rehome me and kids in something cheaper? This is all new to me and I can’t afford to pay solicitors/mortgage brokers straight away. I’m coping ok; until I think how the hell I'm going to cope on one income when we struggled on two 😞 Any advice welcome.

BetterFuture1985 · 07/05/2023 20:49

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 19:50

@BetterFuture1985 regardless of what? DC? that dismissiveness is proving my point for me 😂.

if it was possible in the 1980s it is certainly possible now, women are allowed to have mortgages these days without men being named on them and everything. In the 80s it was significantly harder (ask my DM).

Not everything has to go to court, not right away anyway. We are conditioned to think it does by people who make a lot of money from it, and we are told to prioritise the assets by people with an interest in carving it up so they can pocket some of it, all at a time a family is already at its most vulnerable.

For many court is essential but amicable adults can find a way to make their lives work, come to an agreement, live separately and raise their DC and finalise the official stuff when DC are older or at least used to the change in circumstances. Having seen acrimonious divorces and amicable ones and survived a couple myself there isn't just one way. OP says they're separating and its amicable, which means they may find a way through without the need to tear the DC from their settled home.

Whatever route so your DC don't need counselling and still want to speak to you without secretly thinking you're a c* when they're adults should be the aim, regardless.

Your expectation that a court will leave one party facing all of the hardship "for the children" is very out of date. But crack on.

Jackiewoo · 08/05/2023 08:50

@BetterFuture1985 your fixation on court is what's telling (as is your sneering at Mumsnet & derisive comment earlier about women).

if the main earner & or main carer can take on the family home alone and the other partner is working nobody is facing hardship. Or maybe I should call a few friends to tell them a random man on the internet says their lives belong in the 80s and unless they're lawyered up at once and are tearing each other to pieces for money they're doing life all wrong in 2023?

Our opinions are vastly different because our experiences are. But you do you.

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 10:30

I think the important thing here appears to be that while technically op may just be able to scrape the mortgage together, doing so is most likely going to cause her financial hardship and worry and stress to do so. It’s already difficult

delaying a sale may well not be in her interests as it simply pushes the can down the road

yes her ex may agree to rent, although as he does t earn much is also likely to cause money challenges he may well also push for his share now - and that’s when it will turn into less amicable and possibly end in court scenario - and if it does then likely the house will be sold

maybe the ex as the lower earner should keep the house with the children and op rents for next however many years …..? No, didn’t think so

as said already, imo too many women try to retain the house, often to their detriment.

op, have you and ex started to talk yet about financial outcomes and where children will live ? That will give you a start and things to think about on how to go forward and where you both may be disconnected in thinking

BetterFuture1985 · 08/05/2023 14:09

Jackiewoo · 08/05/2023 08:50

@BetterFuture1985 your fixation on court is what's telling (as is your sneering at Mumsnet & derisive comment earlier about women).

if the main earner & or main carer can take on the family home alone and the other partner is working nobody is facing hardship. Or maybe I should call a few friends to tell them a random man on the internet says their lives belong in the 80s and unless they're lawyered up at once and are tearing each other to pieces for money they're doing life all wrong in 2023?

Our opinions are vastly different because our experiences are. But you do you.

Actually the reason I talk about court is because its an obvious benchmark for a fair settlement.

A lot of the private arrangements I've heard of seem extremely unfair on one party and driven more by guilt I suspect!

caringcarer · 08/05/2023 14:59

OutDamnedSpot · 07/05/2023 00:28

Speak to a lawyer. It doesn’t always need to be 50/50 of the equity. If your housing needs are greater than his (ie if kids will be with you full time?) or you could negotiate on another area (pensions?) then it might be possible to buy him out for a lower amount that you could get a mortgage on.

Absolutely this. You and DH seem to automatically assume he will get half of the equity. This is not always the case. The judge's priority will be homing the children. A judge might give you 60 or even 65 percent and your stbexh the rest. You might be able to get a mortgage if you got a higher deposit as awarded a larger share of equity. A mortgage broker is free. They don't charge. They will be able to work out how much deposit you need to stay in your home with a new mortgage in your sole name. Always seek good legal advice. A good solicitor will present your and your children's needs to the judge. My advice would be to focus on you and the kids and let stbexh to sort himself out. Don't agree to 50:50. No doubt your stbexh does not want you to seek legal advice because he knows it would mean he gets less equity. Also pensions need to be put into the pot and shared. If you took some time off when you had your children small your pension will have suffered whilst his did not. That is why they need to be shared out fairly. The judge can do that too. Do get legal advice. It is an expensive error to make to think you can just do it between yourselves and then you lose out financially big time whilst your stbexh will gain massively.

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 16:32

Ex earns kess and has less pension - so it’s likely op could actually be awarded less than 50%

of course housing children is a significant factor but a lower earner is not likely to come away with substantially less than the higher one ! He also needs accommodation for him AND the children and his mortgage raising capability are less than OP

JussathoB · 08/05/2023 16:47

@Jackiewoo how did she ensure her ex couldn’t touch her teachers pension?
and what was the reason that when the house was eventually sold, she could buy somewhere but exH only had enough for a deposit?

youhavenoidea123 · 08/05/2023 17:00

OP I was in a similar situation. I sold and brought a cheaper, smaller house in a nog so nice area.

I made sure the house was on the bus route for school, to try and limit the disruption to my DC as much as possible.

I was devastated at time. But now seven years on and it has all really turned out ok.

I live on a quiet road. The neighbours are lovely.

I had some disposable income while my DC were teens. We had holidays and some lovely experiences together.

Both are now a uni and are doing well. I wish I could go back and tell myself it'll be ok.

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 17:01

We took our time but did sell. In the interim I had met someone else anyway.

youhavenoidea123 · 08/05/2023 17:02

Also our home is so chilled and relaxed. Had a lovely weekend with my oldest and one of his friends who stopped over. A home is what you make it.

cobbledstone · 08/05/2023 17:12

Not helpful but in all honesty this is why I would never split up with my husband whilst the kids are little. So disruptive all round. Unless he's abusive, can you not just be 'for better or for worst' until the kids have grown up? 20 years and two kids is a lot to divorce over.

Does he need the money now? Can he not just rent for a while until your'e sorted with the kids? Given he's amicable, what does he think?

Manichean · 08/05/2023 17:12

What about 'nesting' until the kids grow up.

Namechange224422 · 08/05/2023 17:34

Take some time calmly to work out carefully what the maximum which you can comfortably borrow by yourself is, and what repayments you can afford.

You might well be worth going for the longest mortgage which you can possibly get to see how that stacks up. In 5-10 years you’ll only be supporting yourself so can then remortgage or overpay to bring down the term.

Equally an interest only mortgage which you overpay by a tiny bit each month at the moment, but which you will massively overpay once dc leave home could be a good option too.

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 18:01

You Can’t overpay an interest only mortgage —— as you’re only paying interest not capital!

gogogoji · 08/05/2023 18:13

OutDamnedSpot · 07/05/2023 00:28

Speak to a lawyer. It doesn’t always need to be 50/50 of the equity. If your housing needs are greater than his (ie if kids will be with you full time?) or you could negotiate on another area (pensions?) then it might be possible to buy him out for a lower amount that you could get a mortgage on.

It's an amicable break. Why would you suggest trying to shaft him out of as much as possible? There is enough equity for both, just smaller and not as nice but it is unreasonable ti suggest the OP do everything she can even if it means he has no home.
Fortunately it seems like the OP and her ex are adults

Namechange224422 · 08/05/2023 18:25

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 18:01

You Can’t overpay an interest only mortgage —— as you’re only paying interest not capital!

The overpayments come off the capital.

gogogoji · 08/05/2023 18:28

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 18:03

@BetterFuture1985 works better for women? 😂🙄. In any case, whatever made you think my post was a male v female thing? Its a main carer thing, and a least disruption to DC thing although women are usually the main carer (and the lower earner).

Divorce is hardest on DC, a parent forcing a sale and tearing their own DC from their home, neighbourhood friends and school and seeing them move to a rough neighbourhood in order to pocket a lump sum to buy a property for yourself immediately seems a pretty selfish attitude to me. To say its done for the DC is what's blinkered.

Incidentally, I know a few men who are main carers (and lower earners) who stayed in the family home so the DC suffered as little disruption as possible and it worked really well, one even managed it with no court involvement because the couple felt that the only people who'd come out of that well are the lawyers, leaving less ££ for the DC. Naive hippies perhaps and I'm not suggesting don't hire a lawyer but not all separation has to be acrimonious and money driven.

I do think the OP needs a lawyer though.

Prioritising the dc doesn't mean that they can't experience change. They will be worse off regardless and that's just a sad fact.

gogogoji · 08/05/2023 18:32

@caringcarer No doubt your stbexh does not want you to seek legal advice because he knows it would mean he gets less equity.
Wow. That's a wolf and malicious statement to make about someone you don't even now. Do you hate all men?

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 18:34

Namechange224422 - not if they’re paying an interest only mortgage !

OutDamnedSpot · 08/05/2023 19:19

gogogoji · 08/05/2023 18:13

It's an amicable break. Why would you suggest trying to shaft him out of as much as possible? There is enough equity for both, just smaller and not as nice but it is unreasonable ti suggest the OP do everything she can even if it means he has no home.
Fortunately it seems like the OP and her ex are adults

Show quote history

Reread my post. I’m not suggesting anyone ‘shaft’ anyone else. I’m suggesting they - amicably - negotiate a fair settlement, which doesn’t always mean a 50/50 split of the family home.

Namechange224422 · 08/05/2023 20:07

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 18:34

Namechange224422 - not if they’re paying an interest only mortgage !

Maybe it depends on the product? The ones I’ve come across this is how they’re set up - you pay interest only for the standard monthly payment but have an option to pay off capital either as a lump sum or monthly.

Original poster

runningmom · 08/05/2023 20:22

I think we’ve both put off leaving for about a decade and my H thinks life is too short to be unhappy. He’s right though I’d say I wasn’t hugely unhappy.
He says he doesn’t want my pension (but what he says now I know I can’t hold him to), and I think he’d like to rent somewhere for himself but stop paying the mortgage whilst retaining his equity in it (obviously only up til the point of stopping paying). I think it would be right for me financially to pay mortgage alone and hard to know I’d need to sell up in a few years anyway as he will sooner or later need it to start afresh. Kids would stay in house which would be good for them. Thinking aloud wondering if short term mortgage company would extend term of the mortgage so I pay less monthly or half the product could be interest only ???

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 20:23

if it’s interest only, you’ll need another policy or form to pay off the capital element - you can do that in limps yes - but no point overpaying the actual monthly payment as that’s just interest

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 20:26

If he defers his share and you pay the mortgage he still retains his full share even though not paying the mortgage - as he’s having to rent elsewhere snd you’re getting sole use of his investment impacting his ability to purchase

an interest only mortgage would be cheaper in the short term but you’d need a long term plan to pay off capital. Equally a term extension might be possible. Speak to your lender re options

Original poster

runningmom · 08/05/2023 20:31

Thank you all. A lot to think upon and clearly on need of professional advice. Want to be fair and equal but look after myself and kids first and foremost. Back to the spreadsheets but I’m just dealing with things day to day as it’s all so new and doesn’t feel real yet (he’s still in the house which is ok tbh but doesn’t mean things feel that different and I need to experience that).

OP posts: