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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice: how do I afford to give H the equity in the house?!

95 replies

runningmom · 06/05/2023 23:09

Quickly:
Amicable split this week after 20 years marriage and 2 kids.
House worth £300k and about £200k in equity which my H will want half of at some point do he can start again with his life.
How on earth do I release 100k from the house as I’d then have a 200k mortgage which I wouldn’t be able to afford. I earn about 40k a year; my H less.
Am I better off selling so we both release equity and trying to rehome me and kids in something cheaper?
This is all new to me and I can’t afford to pay solicitors/mortgage brokers straight away. I’m coping ok; until I think how the hell I'm going to cope on one income when we struggled on two 😞
Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningmom · 07/05/2023 09:54

Not agreed yet. As I said it’s only a few days in, he with live with parents short term so I do t think he will have them more than a couple of nights a week unless he stays overnight in the family home and I find somewhere else to sleep those nights!
It all seems so complicated. Could do with a lottery win!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/05/2023 09:55

Op definitely needs legal advice and view of all assets
however I feel many are ignoring that her husband earns less and pension ( most likely )less, therefore if anything he’d have an argument to try to get higher than 50% especially if child arrangements shared 50:50

both parents are considered to need adequate housing for themselves with the children, not have mother keeping fmh while father gets 1 bed flat.

op what thoughts do you both have re where children will live and spend time with other parent?

Original poster
runningmom · 07/05/2023 10:02

I don’t want for him to come out of this broke or do anything unfairly. Equally I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the fact our house might go and our standard of living will be massively reduced.
Id like him to have his own property where the kids can visit safely and happily but in the main, they’ll stay with me I imagine at least 4-5 days a week.
I would be happy for him to be in the family home to see the kids too (possibly even stay over if I stayed elsewhere). It’s all pretty amicable now but I know once it comes down to £ that may change slightly.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/05/2023 10:20

In the nicest way, it’s not fair for him to have the children in your home
ge needs to be able to house them in his

i know this is early days and you’re worried, and thinking things over but divorcé inevitably means reduced standards of living for both parties and that’s something you’ll need to come to terms with as you consider the options

imo too many women try to cling on the a house they cannot afford when selling would be the better long term option

BetterFuture1985 · 07/05/2023 13:05

runningmom · 07/05/2023 09:52

Thank you. We aren’t thinking divorce. It’s early days. He earns less than me and couldn’t rent and afford to pay half the mortgage whilst I stayed with the kids.
Theres 200k equity in the property and we owe 100k on mortgage. I earn about 40k if that helps.
I know I need to seek professional advice tbh. Even if he took less equity eg 70k I’d still have a 170k mortgage which I’m thinking I wouldn’t afford in my own??

Your age will be critical here. £40k + child maintenance from him assuming he is the NRP + child benefit would probably give you a mortgage capacity of nearly £200k provided that you are young enough to have a mortgage for 25 years (assuming a retirement age of 68, this will only be possible if you are 43 or under and the amount you can borrow will steadily decline as the possible term shortens).

So you might find you have to give him, say, £80k now, release him from the shared mortgage and get your own mortgage of £180k. Then at some point in the future when the youngest is 18 he will be entitled to his 6.66% remaining interest in the FMH.

ManyRiversToCross · 07/05/2023 13:10

Could you nest?
That's where you rent or buy a small flat and take it in turns to stay there and in the marital home, while the kids stay at home all the time? Could work if you are amicable and he's a decent parent?

Newmumma83 · 07/05/2023 13:11

Mortgages are lent approx 4 x your salary,
if you are in receipt child benefit working tax credits and maintenance for 5 years mum before taking the mortgage it can count towards the income ( so would poss need to
get a move on as time is short )
if you go on the government website for child
maintenance it’s very easy to get an estimate depending how often you have kids vs him but it’s all on there .

some mortgage providers will do mortgages up to 80years provided it’s a job that you could physically do up to that age ( I believe )

it may be possible but a stretch with todays rates

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 13:21

can you afford to run the family home on your own? if the current mortgage is affordable for you without his monthly contribution is he open to not upending the DC lives by forcing a sale? is it the added buyout amount that would force you to sell? If so he may be prepared to contribute much less (towards the kids upkeep but nothing like half the cost of running the family home) and be able to rent for a few years. He doesn't 'have' to buy another house and certainly not immediately.

my parents did this (a long time ago admittedly) although DM bought DF out eventually. and a teacher friend did this recently too. 2 DC. when they divorced she stayed in the house with the kids and paid all the bills while he moved into rented. they put the house on the market at a price well over what anyone would pay for it but if they did get an offer would mean she could afford to buy something decent on her own, not have to move the kids to a rough area and new schools or whatever and he'd have enough for a deposit too. The house sat on the market for years, by the time housing prices had caught up the youngest was finishing A levels so they sold at that point. The kids didn't go through the double whammy of divorce and moving home, the only thing my friend made sure of was he couldn't touch her teachers pension.

DahliaBlue · 07/05/2023 13:35

He rents until youngest is 18. Then sell up and both of you get a flat each.

spottybug · 07/05/2023 13:37

Equally I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the fact our house might go and our standard of living will be massively reduced. that comes with divorce though. You will be two households. I think you need to find a way to come to terms with it. Maybe think about how it would have been different if you'd been single in the first place?

spottybug · 07/05/2023 13:38

DahliaBlue · 07/05/2023 13:35

He rents until youngest is 18. Then sell up and both of you get a flat each.

How is that fair? He'll be throwing away years worth on rent when he could be paying a mortgage off

Original poster
runningmom · 07/05/2023 13:44

Yes 👍 think he wouldn’t go for this and also not sure it’s fair on him though I also need to think about the kids first.
I know my standard of life will change and am coming to terms with it all 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
runningmom · 07/05/2023 13:45

This sounds a sensible idea but I don’t think we could do so financially.

OP posts:
spottybug · 07/05/2023 13:48

runningmom · 07/05/2023 13:44

Yes 👍 think he wouldn’t go for this and also not sure it’s fair on him though I also need to think about the kids first.
I know my standard of life will change and am coming to terms with it all 😞

You do but the kid's standard of living is going to change too. Two homes with half the income in each will never match one where you pool resources. They'll be ok though, it's better than having parents who want a divorce and don't get one.

Offthexmaslist · 07/05/2023 13:54

Would interest only mortgage be doable for you in the short term while rates are high and all kids at home ?

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 13:57

How is that fair? He'll be throwing away years worth on rent when he could be paying a mortgage off its fairer on the kids. not everything is about money. forcing a sale affects DC standard of living, their settled home life and sometimes schooling meaning their education and future prospects could be impacted. Neither parent would want that, presumably?

A few years paying off a mortgage compared to happier kids? no contest.

NurseCranesRolodex · 07/05/2023 13:59

You really can't proceed without legal advice. Happy for you it's amicable but as soon as finances are discussed and it all becomes real it can change. Have you spent any time out of the work market due to having children, if so your pension has been affected. Your H will need to pay for child maintenance until your youngest is 20 if in full time education (Scotland). Don't agree to anything without a lawyer.

CatChase · 07/05/2023 14:34

Could you look into moving to a property which is shared ownership? That way you'd still be on the housing ladder to some extent and would need a smaller mortgage. They tend to be more common in newer built houses over the past decade or two. Also, would you be able to earn extra money doing exam marking?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2023 15:50

You could "birds nest" or whatever its called. Rent or buy a small 1bed flat and each of you take turns to stay there a week at a time. Then the children remain 100% in the home and you and ex swap weekly.

It may be worth considering for a year, then it buys time to consider what to do next.

BetterFuture1985 · 07/05/2023 16:17

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 13:57

How is that fair? He'll be throwing away years worth on rent when he could be paying a mortgage off its fairer on the kids. not everything is about money. forcing a sale affects DC standard of living, their settled home life and sometimes schooling meaning their education and future prospects could be impacted. Neither parent would want that, presumably?

A few years paying off a mortgage compared to happier kids? no contest.

It's just a happy coincidence this works better for the wife right? I always find it funny on MumsNet how this logic is exposed for what it is when it's the man keeping the FMH 😂

Incidentally, it's not only money. It's the ex-husband and children's quality of life when they are with him too. Only a blinkered person only able to think of their own needs would reach the conclusion of @Jackiewoo

If the husband got this kind of settlement in court he could have very strong grounds to appeal. The children's needs are the priority but they are not paramount and do not justify an unfair outcome.

BeenThereTooo · 07/05/2023 16:29

runningmom · 07/05/2023 09:52

Thank you. We aren’t thinking divorce. It’s early days. He earns less than me and couldn’t rent and afford to pay half the mortgage whilst I stayed with the kids.
Theres 200k equity in the property and we owe 100k on mortgage. I earn about 40k if that helps.
I know I need to seek professional advice tbh. Even if he took less equity eg 70k I’d still have a 170k mortgage which I’m thinking I wouldn’t afford in my own??

What do you mean by you aren't thinking divorce?

Original poster
runningmom · 07/05/2023 16:49

As I’m not now but in the future we will likely divorce.

OP posts:
Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 18:03

@BetterFuture1985 works better for women? 😂🙄. In any case, whatever made you think my post was a male v female thing? Its a main carer thing, and a least disruption to DC thing although women are usually the main carer (and the lower earner).

Divorce is hardest on DC, a parent forcing a sale and tearing their own DC from their home, neighbourhood friends and school and seeing them move to a rough neighbourhood in order to pocket a lump sum to buy a property for yourself immediately seems a pretty selfish attitude to me. To say its done for the DC is what's blinkered.

Incidentally, I know a few men who are main carers (and lower earners) who stayed in the family home so the DC suffered as little disruption as possible and it worked really well, one even managed it with no court involvement because the couple felt that the only people who'd come out of that well are the lawyers, leaving less ££ for the DC. Naive hippies perhaps and I'm not suggesting don't hire a lawyer but not all separation has to be acrimonious and money driven.

I do think the OP needs a lawyer though.

BetterFuture1985 · 07/05/2023 18:36

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 18:03

@BetterFuture1985 works better for women? 😂🙄. In any case, whatever made you think my post was a male v female thing? Its a main carer thing, and a least disruption to DC thing although women are usually the main carer (and the lower earner).

Divorce is hardest on DC, a parent forcing a sale and tearing their own DC from their home, neighbourhood friends and school and seeing them move to a rough neighbourhood in order to pocket a lump sum to buy a property for yourself immediately seems a pretty selfish attitude to me. To say its done for the DC is what's blinkered.

Incidentally, I know a few men who are main carers (and lower earners) who stayed in the family home so the DC suffered as little disruption as possible and it worked really well, one even managed it with no court involvement because the couple felt that the only people who'd come out of that well are the lawyers, leaving less ££ for the DC. Naive hippies perhaps and I'm not suggesting don't hire a lawyer but not all separation has to be acrimonious and money driven.

I do think the OP needs a lawyer though.

Regardless, what you're suggesting wouldn't get very far in a court. It's not the 1980s anymore.

The court will endure both parties can house themselves and also must be fair, otherwise it leaves obvious grounds for appeal which the first judge will be keen to avoid.

Jackiewoo · 07/05/2023 19:50

@BetterFuture1985 regardless of what? DC? that dismissiveness is proving my point for me 😂.

if it was possible in the 1980s it is certainly possible now, women are allowed to have mortgages these days without men being named on them and everything. In the 80s it was significantly harder (ask my DM).

Not everything has to go to court, not right away anyway. We are conditioned to think it does by people who make a lot of money from it, and we are told to prioritise the assets by people with an interest in carving it up so they can pocket some of it, all at a time a family is already at its most vulnerable.

For many court is essential but amicable adults can find a way to make their lives work, come to an agreement, live separately and raise their DC and finalise the official stuff when DC are older or at least used to the change in circumstances. Having seen acrimonious divorces and amicable ones and survived a couple myself there isn't just one way. OP says they're separating and its amicable, which means they may find a way through without the need to tear the DC from their settled home.

Whatever route so your DC don't need counselling and still want to speak to you without secretly thinking you're a c* when they're adults should be the aim, regardless.