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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Tips, for leaving someone really difficult

42 replies

NoodlePoodel · 06/05/2023 00:46

I want to separate, he doesn't.
I've tried counselling.
My heart is saying we are through but he is unbelievably difficult.
We have 3 children so it's tough.

I asked for space, which he won't grant me even though he has several places to go whilst we had some breathing space.

I want to separate, he knows this but he is difficult, aggressive, some of the time nasty, then pretending everything is okay and then wanting to try again. I don't, the trust has gone but I also need to keep myself and the children safe which I'm doing.

However, we are going to have to share this house....

Does anyone have any tips or experience of navigating this please that wouldn't mind sharing with me as its really really hard and I'm just trying to keep the Peace.

Argh!
Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:
TheTERFnextDoor · 06/05/2023 01:18

I would itemize the points you need to discuss (1. Bills 2. Cleaning 3. Cars etc.) and send it to him in advance with a date/ time for meeting.

During the meet, stick to the facts. "We can talk about feelings during item 9, emotions, but right now, we're on item 2, cleaning."

If he doesn't engage, make a fair decision without him. Put all decisions/ actions into writing and email him them.

Basically, keep progressing with what you need to do, but keep communicating with him too.

Best of luck.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 06/05/2023 07:06

Thank you, I can't help but think if I do that he will absolutely blow up.

He's currently acting as though nothing is wrong... its quite worrying!

OP posts:
MintJulia · 06/05/2023 07:13

If he's aggressive and refusing to accept the split, can you not find somewhere else to live. I'd be worried about your safety and your children's wellbeing. Have you talked to your family about other options.

If that's not possible, I'd try to arrange regular weekends away with friends or camping now the summer is here, giving everyone a break from the tension, and hopefully getting him used to being on his own.

If you perceive a risk though, please don't be reluctant to ask for help. Talk to Woman's Aid and ask what they suggest.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 06/05/2023 07:42

I could try, I'm meeting with Wa next week.
I don't think he would let me take the children

OP posts:
Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 06/05/2023 09:43

If I move out and rent somewhere what do I do with the house we have a mortgage on?

OP posts:
Gemski38 · 06/05/2023 12:31

@NoodlePoodel i moved out of the mortgage home and private rented. You don't do anything if he is staying there. My ex husband is in the family home, and i am in the private rented house.
He is paying the mortgage and i am paying rent, i am not sure if i have to pay my share of the mortgage still but I'm sure due to the circumstances a solicitor would say as I'm renting i wouldn't have to (i don't know if that is right mind you)

Like you my husband is aggressive, never ever in the wrong, and acts like nothings happened when i bring things up or there's been a argument etc. Its so draining and kept me stuck there for 10 years. I couldnt take it anymore, and after another night of being called names, aggression and walking on egg shells, i stood up, said "FUCK THIS" left and never went back. I had rented a house months earlier but hadn't moved in as i was so scared and manipulated, but i went to that empty rental and never looked back.

It is hard, he goes from ignoring me (i think he met someone straight after i left), acting like he doesn't care, to now hounding me and wanting to "make it work" yet still blaming me for everything 🙄

I am lonely, and i have cried ALOT, however my children are happier, the house is calm, my nervous system has settled and i am no longer walking on egg shells.

I left with the clothes on my back and nothing else, and id do it again in a heart beat x

DivorcingEU · 07/05/2023 08:54

I've got a similar, less aggressive situation. My advice, with the benefit of hindsight, is do whatever you can to get out of there.

It's very hard to do, I know. But what's harder is dealing with your mental health and self esteem diminishing day by day, bit by bit, until you realise that you're completely broken. And mental health damage is bad enough, but when it's so stressful for so long, it actually impacts your physical health too.

I've been in this situation for 6 years. Im still trying to get out. There's nothing that's worth staying.

Don't focus on how to live on egg shells. Focus on how you're going to get out. Tell people you can trust what's going on, get support around you. No matter how hard it is, it's worth it.

If there's any physical threat then please be careful. Be smart about how you do this, but don't put it off. It will never be easier, or even easy.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Flowers

Seas164 · 07/05/2023 09:00

Accept that you cannot keep the peace, if the other person is hellbent on making that impossible. Forget amicable. You matter and this is real.

Don't wait, speak to WA for advice about next step and take it.

theWarOnPeace · 07/05/2023 09:08

I’ve done it, it was horrendous but I’ve been so happy since he’s gone! Therapy for yourself, stop engaging/explaining things to him and just be matter of fact. Women's Aid and legal advice. There are Family Law places that you can get free e-mail advice from to get things straight in your mind without having to pay to take on a solicitor now. You will need one at some point but you need basic advice now for free so you know what direction you’re going in.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 07/05/2023 14:01

This advice has all been so valuable to me, and I thank you for sharing your experiences.

Things have escalated this weekend, to save his skin I've called his parents over twice rather than police, absolutely pointless. Useless. He won't go with them, or other accommodation he's been offered. The excuse: I'm not leaving my children.
So manipulative.

I've managed to get alot of my ducks in a row this weekend. Then I have glimmers of is it that bad?

I do not want social services involved which I'm terrified about.

The legal advice via email sounds great, I can't seem to find it though.

Thank you again 😀

OP posts:
LizzyLovesTea · 07/05/2023 14:13

That does sound like an escalation. I can relate to those 'glimmers' but it sounds pretty bad to me, from what you've said.
Sounds like you're doing well, trusting yourself and your instincts, working your way through how to keep yourself safe. There are various helplines for women's legal advice but if you have the option to pay a lawyer to talk things through, I do recommend that - found it took so much of the emotional load off me to be able to share decisions and discuss options with someone who really knows their stuff! Sadly, I suspect a lot of family lawyers will see situations like this fairly often...
Good luck!

RandomMess · 07/05/2023 14:20

Next time call the police not his family. They can remove him if need be and you could apply for an occupation order.

Also speak to Rights of Women regarding occupation and/or non-molestation order. He may not of crossed the threshold to obtain either yet but it sounds as though he may well do soon.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 07/05/2023 14:31

Thank you, the possessiveness has just come out of the blue.

He genuinely thinks I'm having an affair.

He also shouted this morning that he won't be signing any paperwork and he will never divorce me so I'm stuck with him. No-one even mentioned a divorce or splitting up!

OP posts:
LizzyLovesTea · 07/05/2023 14:36

You're not stuck with him. There'll be a way out. You don't have to accept his tantrums on this one... So sorry this is so hard.

Corrienation · 07/05/2023 15:18

Agh just go and cheat on him and let him play the victim. He’s going to be a nightmare either way. Giving him the high ground and some moral support will make him feel great and he will go easier on you

Corrienation · 07/05/2023 15:21

He can’t destroy you if you have already destroyed yourself. It’s a good tactic with abusive people.

While he has everyone on his side and feels like he’s won, he won’t go after revenge.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 07/05/2023 16:54

I'm genuinely not having an affair.

Going to be a very long week!

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 07/05/2023 17:03

He doesn't need to sign the papers to get a divorce. You don't need his permission.

He also may not get to choose if he leaves if he continues to behave in a threatening manner.

The law is on your side. He knows it. He's just trying his best to threaten you into compliance.

Is it that bad. YES. Absolutely fucking YES. The moment you get him out of there, or move yourself, you will feel a thousand percent better. Be strong. Do what you need to do ans stop believing he is in control of the situation because he very much is not.

You're at war now. No empathy. He won't give you any

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 07/05/2023 17:42

Now he's been all nice saying he's had a wake up call etc

God my head

OP posts:
Seas164 · 07/05/2023 17:59

Try not to engage with what he's saying, how nice (manipulative) he's capable of being when it suits him, or who's right or wrong, who said what etc.

Concentrate on what you know, which is that this is not right for you, and you are ending the relationship because of how you feel. How you feel doesn't get to go up for negotiation.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship, you're 50% of the people in it.

Your reality doesn't need to be approved by him to be real. Step by step, do the next right thing and stay steady on your feet, don't let him destabilise you with his bullshit, because he will try in various ways when he sees you mean business.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 07/05/2023 21:42

Great way of thinking.

He's trying to make me feel guilty about him sleeping elsewhere.

However, I've just realised he had not even mattered the word sorry....

OP posts:
BattenDownTheHens · 07/05/2023 22:10

Next time you need to make that call, make it to the police not to his parents. It will be a terrifying moment for you to make that call I know, but also one of your bravest moments and you will cross a line that will help you move away from your fear of what will happen, how will he react, social services being notifying etc… all the things that are holding you trapped and that he has over you actually as those worries are keeping you stuck.

Ihadenough22 · 07/05/2023 22:36

At this stage let him continue on. The next wrong move he makes ring the police and get him removed from the house. Once the police bring him off ring his parents
Let his parents know what is going on and tell them if he comes back to the house you will keep ringing the police.
Tell them you are not going to put up with his behaviour any longer as it not fair on you or his children.
I would also let the police know that you contacted his parents on both recent dates to get him out of the house.
Start keeping notes of all he says and does going forward. Start to record him on your phone.

He need to realise the days of bullying you and making his children lives misery are over.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/05/2023 23:23

to save his skin I've called his parents over twice rather than police,

Next time call the police. Stop enabling his aggression. You don't have to be nasty to him or goad him in return but you also need to stop putting his feelings above yours/children. He isn't considering yours.

Original poster
NoodlePoodel · 09/05/2023 13:14

I wonder if I'm getting this all wrong and it could be fixed?

OP posts: