Page 2 | Tips, for leaving someone really difficult

NoodlePoodel · 2023-05-05T23:46:22+00:00

I want to separate, he doesn't. I've tried counselling. My heart is saying we are through but he is unbelievably difficult. We have 3 children so it's tough. I asked for space, which he won't grant me even though he has several places to go whilst we had some breathing space. I want to separate, he knows this but he is difficult, aggressive, some of the time nasty, then pretending everything is okay and then wanting to try again. I don't, the trust has gone but I also need to keep myself and the children safe which I'm doing. However, we are going to have to share this house.... Does anyone have any tips or experience of navigating this please that wouldn't mind sharing with me as its really really hard and I'm just trying to keep the Peace. Argh! Thanks if you got this far!

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 09/05/2023 13:23

NoodlePoodel · 09/05/2023 13:14

I wonder if I'm getting this all wrong and it could be fixed?

No it can't be fixed. It sounds like he's really manipulative and toxic. People like that never, ever change long term. Leave him, trust me. It's the gaslighting and manipulation that is making you feel this way.

Treacletoots · 09/05/2023 17:28

It can be fixed if you're prepared to live a life of misery yes OP. That's the reality.

They don't change because it doesn't suit them to do so. If they do, it's only temporary.

Mine used to keep coming back bleating hoe miserable HE had been, how much weight HE had lost, how much his family were worried about HIM etc. But not once did he say I'm sorry, or HOW ARE YOU to me because you known why? HE didn't give a shit how I was.

All he cared about was how my removal from his life was affecting him. If he had asked how I was the response would have been FUCKING MARVELLOUS. Because that's how I felt the moment I got rid of him.

You deserve this too OP. You deserve a kind, peaceful existence and so do your DC.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 19:50

No you're not getting it wrong. You're in the phase of the cycle where you end up doubting your sanity, the bit before you give up for an easy life and you get a calm period before he kicks off again.

You can either keep going going round this like a merry go round and subjecting the kids and yoursef to his difficult, nasty, aggressive behaviour, or you can decide that this isn't what you want for you, or for them and make a change. He won't make a change. If he could have, he would have.

Did you get hold of Womens Aid, they've got an online chat service which is pretty handy, make sure you delete your history on your device afterwards.

Shookethtothecore · 09/05/2023 20:05

I don’t want to hijack your thread. But I am going through the same thing and I understand.
it’s very very hard and I am absolutely terrified (also been a stay at home mum for years and have no access to accounts) and I feel really really stupid for getting myself and my children into this mess.

but my husband has left and come back so many times that this time (coz he’s leaving me again and I’m horiffic) I realise he is never ever going to change and I would let him do it to me forever.

but there is absolutely no way I am allowing my children to grow up like him.

so no matter how scared I am. I have to do it for my kids.

you can do this. I just keep thinking what would I tell my daughter if she was in a relationship like this

Original poster

NoodlePoodel · 09/05/2023 21:30

Shookethtothecore · 09/05/2023 20:05

I don’t want to hijack your thread. But I am going through the same thing and I understand.
it’s very very hard and I am absolutely terrified (also been a stay at home mum for years and have no access to accounts) and I feel really really stupid for getting myself and my children into this mess.

but my husband has left and come back so many times that this time (coz he’s leaving me again and I’m horiffic) I realise he is never ever going to change and I would let him do it to me forever.

but there is absolutely no way I am allowing my children to grow up like him.

so no matter how scared I am. I have to do it for my kids.

you can do this. I just keep thinking what would I tell my daughter if she was in a relationship like this

Your not hijacking at all, it's just awful isn't it!

OP posts:

Original poster

NoodlePoodel · 09/05/2023 21:34

He's currently this evening decided just as I started eating my dinner decided we need to talk and when I said not right now started saying that I think he's starting again and he can't trust me to not ring someone and how hard this is for him, he just wants to sleep in his own bed not the spare bed.

Then it sort of hit me, it's all about how unfair he is finding it all, how hard it is for him.... when I said do you not understand your behaviour caused this I got yes that's why it's so hard for me, it's driving me crazy.

Oh about him then.

Now he's doing the we need to say goodnight, so I said night and he's like I love you blah blah blah

I'm in bed, cats in here too and I felt like saying fuck off to him but quite honestly I cannot be bothered!

OP posts:

Shookethtothecore · 09/05/2023 21:52

its hideous- it’s just such an awful situation.
the bit that gets me is that he makes me feel it’s all my fault. He’s the way he is towards me because of me. I make him like that
Now I’ve had therapy- who said I was in an abusive relationship, and that I’m not doing anything that should provoke bathe treatment I get, I’ve told a few friends a little bit about what he’s like and they are horrified. And I don’t even say the worst of it.
yet I’m lying here thinking it’s me and my poor children having me as their mum.
he tells me people agree with me because I retell the issues to suit me.
but honestly I handed a therapist my phone and said please read what he’s saying and my reply and tell me why I make him like this

I can’t help thinking that I am such a nightmare that he is the way he is because I cause everything.

the evenings are the worst.
at least he isn’t here so the house feels peaceful

Original poster

NoodlePoodel · 09/05/2023 22:01

Shookethtothecore · 09/05/2023 21:52

its hideous- it’s just such an awful situation.
the bit that gets me is that he makes me feel it’s all my fault. He’s the way he is towards me because of me. I make him like that
Now I’ve had therapy- who said I was in an abusive relationship, and that I’m not doing anything that should provoke bathe treatment I get, I’ve told a few friends a little bit about what he’s like and they are horrified. And I don’t even say the worst of it.
yet I’m lying here thinking it’s me and my poor children having me as their mum.
he tells me people agree with me because I retell the issues to suit me.
but honestly I handed a therapist my phone and said please read what he’s saying and my reply and tell me why I make him like this

I can’t help thinking that I am such a nightmare that he is the way he is because I cause everything.

the evenings are the worst.
at least he isn’t here so the house feels peaceful

You need a plan!

I find myself watching what I say, don't like being told I'm provoking anything.

I hate the evenings, I really do

OP posts:

Original poster

NoodlePoodel · 10/05/2023 10:12

So he really wants to make this work and we have relate booked.

This morning he's expressing he's unhappy and frustrated he's sleeping in the spare bed and wants to come back in our bed.

Apparently I'm having my cake and eating it whilst he is just acting like a skivvy helping with household jobs.

He's just existing, waiting for me to stop playing mind games and say it's over (tears start) because this has happened to him so many times (he's had 2 previous gfs who cheated in his early 20s and we've been together 8 years) so I'm being judged against them

Yet he can't trust me to not ring anyone to come around, I don't know what to do I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 10/05/2023 10:57

he is difficult, aggressive, some of the time nasty, then pretending everything is okay
^^ this is from your very first post. Why do you want to stay with an aggressive man?

we have relate booked.
You should NEVER do couples counselling with an abusive partner. You both need singles counselling. Cancel it and book separate sessions.

Don't let him back into your bed while you are feeling confused, it only makes things worse. I wish you well OP I really do but if you stay I think you will be posting the same thing in two years time but you will be more broken

Original poster

NoodlePoodel · 10/05/2023 11:46

Thank you. I've tried to speak to a local dv service but no one gets back to me
I feel really alone

OP posts:

Hurryupandleave · 10/05/2023 11:47

Read up on the nice/nasty cycle of abuse OP, it will be like a lightbulb going on because that's exactly what you're experiencing and will explain why his behaviour is such a head fuck for you. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft will also be an eye opener, I can't post links on here since the MN 'upgrade' but if you google that title and free pdf it's available to read online for free. The Freedom Programme would be great for you too, think the online version (which is great) is about £15 or you can see whether there's an in-person course near you, although I'm not sure whether they've restarted post-covid or not.

Knowledge is power in your situation and the more you understand about abuse and manipulation the easier you will find it to spot and defend yourself against. I do think you need to leave though, or at the very least call the police the next time he kicks off and try to get an occupation order. I don't want to scare you but abusers are most dangerous when they know they're close to losing you and I'm worried he might escalate.

Please don't doubt yourself though, he can't possibly change without huge amounts of therapy and self-reflection, none of which has happened so his current behaviour can't realistically be anything but an act to reel you back in. Don't fall for it because you'll end up back where you started in a matter of weeks. And yes, cancel Relate, joint counselling is never advised when there is abuse involved.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 11:49

Agree with PP, joint counselling is a no no if there is abuse in the relationship. Individual counselling, absolutely.

You can live chat with Womens Aid here's a link head to the bottom left of the page to start the chat.

Link to the Freedom Programme here

Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Women's Aid's live chat service lets women chat directly with a support worker

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Shookethtothecore · 10/05/2023 15:05

How do you know if your being abused tho? not physically abused because that isn’t happening. But other types of abuse

Hurryupandleave · 10/05/2023 15:38

Shookethtothecore · 10/05/2023 15:05

How do you know if your being abused tho? not physically abused because that isn’t happening. But other types of abuse

Generally speaking if you're having to question if you're being abused then you probably are, it's not something that occurs to people unless there's a reason. Learning about abuse really helps you to recognise it too, I posted some resources for that purpose upthread if you want to take a look

Shookethtothecore · 10/05/2023 18:06

@Hurryupandleave
thank you I’ll have a look later.

Im so worried as he says it’s me. I’m so confused

RandomMess · 10/05/2023 18:08

You could tell him at relate that you've decided you don't want to try again and you would like to use the sessions to sort out child arrangements amicably.