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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can't accept marriage is over

40 replies

Helpots · 05/05/2023 13:03

This is my third post on the group, I'm an absolute mess. Not helped by the fact I'm a divorce lawyer so I don't even get a distraction at work, in fact it makes it worse (I've taken time off sick and returned this week, don't want to lose my career too).

My H suffers with depression. We've been together 13 years, married just over 4. We started spiralling in august, it's become toxic, he left for 4 weeks in January, returned for 4 weeks then left permanently 6 weeks ago tomorrow

Throughout this time he's been telling me he loves me, that he's losing feelings for me, that he does/doesn't want to save the marriage - didn't 'want a divorce on his CV'

He's moved in with his parents, he's still in contact with our 20 yr old (his stepdaughter but they're really close) but has completely blocked and blanked me.

Initially he wanted space, wouldn't tell me what for. Then he told me it was to see whether he missed me, and he did for a bit but then he didn't. Now he's told me last Saturday that he wants a divorce eventually but in the meantime, wants time and space as he's not ready to divorce, and he won't agree to put our home on the market for another year or so. He then told me he needs more 'space and time.'

He's still paying his full contribution to the household outgoings, including groceries and also other bills.

I am in total limbo, I can't stop crying. I want us to work at this marriage but he won't communicate with me at all. I'm under a MH team myself now as I've spiralled. I keep looking for signs that he'll come back to me, and I'm deluding myself.

I've even been to see a psychic who got the situation spot on and said he'd come back to me, that he's saying he doesn't love me but he does. This man has been telling me for years that he doesn't love or like himself.

I'm reaching out to see if anyone else has been in this position - why can't I accept it's over?!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/05/2023 14:15

I can’t believe that an educated person like you has been to a psychic. You’re clutching at straws, while he keeps you dangling.
Take control and file for divorce. Get your pride back.

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 14:25

@DustyLee123 i know you’re right, but I just don’t have the strength or funds to start divorce at the moment. I’ve stayed in lower paid roles for the purposes of the fertility treatment whilst his career has flourished. I’ve repeatedly asked him for the court fee, I know he has this, but he refuses to give it to me, because he isn’t ready for divorce - and then this gives me false hope

OP posts:
Menopants · 05/05/2023 14:43

Let him go. It’s not going to get better. All that will happen is a repeating pattern of him building up your hopes and then rejecting you. I’m so sorry you sound so heart broken. You will get over this. Big hugs and good luck

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 14:47

@Menopants he's done this before, in 2015 and 2016. He asked me to marry him in 2017, we bought our home together, got married in 2019, I thought all of this behaviour was in the past.

My dad and close friend are telling me to give him the space he's asked for and see if he comes back. They're both sensible pragmatic people. I'm just suffering in limbo.

Thank you for taking the time to respond

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 05/05/2023 14:48

You can't accept it's over because he's making you wait for a year until acting on things. It would actually be a lot easier if he'd said it's over now as keeping you in limbo for a whole year is cruel. Part of you will remain in denial because you think that there's hope.

I know it's fucking tough but you will start to feel better if you take control. No loving person would do this. While he's got you on an emotional leash, things won't get better. You deserve better

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 14:50

@WheelsUp thank you - my head knows this but in a constant fight with my heart and quite frankly, it's making me ill- why would he want me to dangle on if he's made his mind up?!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 05/05/2023 14:52

"he's done this before, in 2015 and 2016. He asked me to marry him in 2017, we bought our home together, got married in 2019, I thought all of this behaviour was in the past."

In short, he's treated you like shit for the majority of your relationship, and has scant regard for your feelings. That is not love.

He may suffer from depression, but it's not his depression that's causing him to be a fucking arsehole.

What does your DD really think of him, honestly? I wonder if you'd be surprised to hear her real thoughts. I bet she's secretly glad that he's forcing you to move on.

You can do this OP. You will be happier alone. You may even, in future, find someone who treats you brilliantly. And at work there must be a shit hot lawyer who can represent you?

Summerbreeze111 · 05/05/2023 14:52

Sorry you are going through such a hard time, it sounds so difficult and heartbreaking. I would try and gain some control tbh and try and pick up your self worth and confidence and push for divorce. Its unlikely to go back to the way it was. Has he given any reason other than he doesnt love you anymore? Do you think he may have had his head turned elsewhere?
I think the trust will be gone and its very difficult to return even if he did 'change his mind'

YukoandHiro · 05/05/2023 14:52

Find your anger and take him to the cleaners

primoseyellow · 05/05/2023 14:56

Sounds like he has messed you around for the majority of your relationship. Is it possible there is someone else in the picture and he is keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with new woman?

I know it is incredibly hard but I would start divorce proceedings and stop all communication.

MammaTo · 05/05/2023 15:38

Helpots · 05/05/2023 14:50

@WheelsUp thank you - my head knows this but in a constant fight with my heart and quite frankly, it's making me ill- why would he want me to dangle on if he's made his mind up?!

Because he’s depressed and he’s using putting you down, controlling you to make himself feel better.
Think of your daughter and being a role model to her.

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 15:41

@MammaTo you don't know me, but I've always been such a strong confident woman, staunch feminist. I wanted to leave him in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he begged me to work at us and I relented, we had an amazing spring/summer, then his depression hit again in august and it's been absolutely awful for all of us since then

How the hell do I get myself back?!

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/05/2023 15:49

Helpots · 05/05/2023 14:50

@WheelsUp thank you - my head knows this but in a constant fight with my heart and quite frankly, it's making me ill- why would he want me to dangle on if he's made his mind up?!

Why shouldn’t he? It’s not costing him anything, in fact, it’s probably quite flattering and reassuring to think he has you on a string. After all, he’s done it before, and you’ve hung around, taken him back, given it another go.

for the sake of your own sanity, you have to draw a line under this non- relationship. Get a pen and write down ten reasons why your life will be better without him: not having to pick his socks up, remind him to take his medication, listen to that story about Bill and the car park AGAIN…… you know. If you get more than ten, keep going.

Then make a copy and put it on the fridge, put one on your phone, put one in his sock drawer where you will not have to go so much.

Life is for living, not pining.

Ohfgsjon · 05/05/2023 15:52

Come on now, you can't go on like this. Give yourself a stiff talking to. Enough really is enough. Why are you allowing him to call all the shots and mess around with your life like this. Claw back some control and get back in the drivers seat. I guarantee that you will start to regain a bit of self respect and will start to feel stronger just by being decisive. You are fixated on getting the cash for a divorce. Forget that for now. Just decide, today, that enough is enough. Don't get in to lengthy conversations with him but just tell him, via text, that you finally agree with him that it's over for good. That you both need to separate permanently and that you will be moving forward on this basis. Don't say it to test him or to prove anything. Forget the space nonsense. Do it for you. At this point, it is honestly the only way forward.

Menopants · 05/05/2023 15:54

You need some therapy. Find someone lovely to talk to and help,you sort your head out

mischlerischler · 05/05/2023 15:58

He will keep stringing you along. He's been treating you horribly and yet you keep waiting for more.

You need to find your strength and stop engaging with him.

Can you family lend you the money you need to start the divorce proceedings?

MammaTo · 05/05/2023 16:00

Helpots · 05/05/2023 15:41

@MammaTo you don't know me, but I've always been such a strong confident woman, staunch feminist. I wanted to leave him in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he begged me to work at us and I relented, we had an amazing spring/summer, then his depression hit again in august and it's been absolutely awful for all of us since then

How the hell do I get myself back?!

It’s an awful situation to be in. Do you have any girlfriends you could reach out to and organise a little meal or order in? Ones that would rally around you and build you up as women do.
You could maybe start going on solo dates with yourself; lunches out, cinema, walks, spa, haircut. Anything that gets you out into the world independantly and you’ll soon start to realise you can do life by yourself if you need to.

MynameisJune · 05/05/2023 16:07

He’s keeping you on the back burner either until he finds someone new or he’s confident in the someone new that he already has.

The man is a massive wankbadger and you’re giving him all the control. Tell him it’s over, tell him you’re putting the house on the market and tell him you’re divorcing him. Stop waiting around for a man to tell you what to do, get rid and be 100x happier.

cannaecookrisotto · 05/05/2023 16:17

Helpots · 05/05/2023 15:41

@MammaTo you don't know me, but I've always been such a strong confident woman, staunch feminist. I wanted to leave him in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he begged me to work at us and I relented, we had an amazing spring/summer, then his depression hit again in august and it's been absolutely awful for all of us since then

How the hell do I get myself back?!

Regain control of the situation.

At the moment, you're spiralling, it could be because you feel like your future depends on him and what he decides to do.

You might feel better by taking the situation back under control. I know you don't want to divorce, but do you really want to stay married to this man? He's messing you around, can't decide if he wants to be with you etc. Would you put up with this forever? What if he decides to do it again in 5 years?

If I was in your position, I reckon I'd feel much better making that decision of saying "no. No more" and pushing through with the divorce. Being back in charge of my own future and finding my fire.

Rosemarymary · 05/05/2023 16:20

Are you having counselling? If so or if you can get some via work, use it to help you decide for yourself what you want. This situation can’t go on so something has to change for you - if you can take control and make your own decisions I think you will feel so much better, even though there will be painful times. Your future could be so much brighter - there’s stuff to get through but you can do it!

peanutbutterkid · 05/05/2023 16:25

omg, that's so depressing. If a divorce lawyer can't do divorce economically, who can.

Can you find a way to save £50/month to get the court fee together? Could you borrow the court fee from someone, your dad maybe, and pay him back £50/month?

The stbXH is not worth it. No partner is worth all this aggro. Why are you selling yourself so short?

WheelsUp · 05/05/2023 17:34

Who knows why he's doing this ? He could be a sadist who likes being in control and prevent you from emotionally detaching from him. The nice behaviour is to reel you back in. Many get an ego boost from their ex wanting them back and having the option to shag them.
Another possibility is that he doesn't want you but doesn't want you to move on either. His worst nightmare is that you accept things and live happily ever after with a better man than him.

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 17:40

Thank you @WheelsUp - it's not about a shag, that's been a massive issue, he's not been interested in years really, we've had droughts and then he comes over all loving for a few months. His sex Drive has disappeared since sertraline and 8 year pressure of TTC.

I feel and know that he's mentally ill, I'm struggling to accept that he'd do this intentionally. I just can't cut that cord

I can't believe how low my self-esteem is, and I really don't want to start again at 43 when we'd planned our lives together

Surely love can return if you both put the effort in? I know I was ready to walk early last year because of his behaviour, felt I didn't love him any more, but he talked me round and I stayed and I was glad I did - had a wonderful spring/summer and then he's pulled the rug again

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 05/05/2023 17:46

Oh OP 💐

There is sometimes far too much water under the bridge. If he decided to come back, you'd be wondering when he'd leave again. You can't be truly happy with that kind of niggle in the back of your mind.

It's a shame he talked you round because it all sounds miserable. I think he doesn't want you to move on and be happy when we all have one life and deserve happiness.

Original poster
Helpots · 05/05/2023 17:51

@WheelsUp one of my friends thinks he's determined to make me as miserable as he is - he is wretched in his mind, issues from abandonment/emotional detachment as a child. For months leading up to our separation, he's been increasingly telling me how he's never felt happy with his mum, how he's never felt wanted by her, he even told me he thinks she resents him and thinks she would have terminated her pregnancy with him! And he's become more and more bitter towards me - calling me all names that I've felt he wanted to call his mum. It's just been awful but I don't believe there's anyone in the world who loves and cares for him like I do, he's broken, and I've always tried to care for him. But now I'm broken too

OP posts:
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