Can't accept marriage is over

[Helpots]

This is my third post on the group, I'm an absolute mess. Not helped by the fact I'm a divorce lawyer so I don't even get a distraction at work, in fact it makes it worse (I've taken time off sick and returned this week, don't want to lose my career too).

My H suffers with depression. We've been together 13 years, married just over 4. We started spiralling in august, it's become toxic, he left for 4 weeks in January, returned for 4 weeks then left permanently 6 weeks ago tomorrow

Throughout this time he's been telling me he loves me, that he's losing feelings for me, that he does/doesn't want to save the marriage - didn't 'want a divorce on his CV'

He's moved in with his parents, he's still in contact with our 20 yr old (his stepdaughter but they're really close) but has completely blocked and blanked me.

Initially he wanted space, wouldn't tell me what for. Then he told me it was to see whether he missed me, and he did for a bit but then he didn't. Now he's told me last Saturday that he wants a divorce eventually but in the meantime, wants time and space as he's not ready to divorce, and he won't agree to put our home on the market for another year or so. He then told me he needs more 'space and time.'

He's still paying his full contribution to the household outgoings, including groceries and also other bills.

I am in total limbo, I can't stop crying. I want us to work at this marriage but he won't communicate with me at all. I'm under a MH team myself now as I've spiralled. I keep looking for signs that he'll come back to me, and I'm deluding myself.

I've even been to see a psychic who got the situation spot on and said he'd come back to me, that he's saying he doesn't love me but he does. This man has been telling me for years that he doesn't love or like himself.

I'm reaching out to see if anyone else has been in this position - why can't I accept it's over?!

You say he has depression. I've had depression and it's a strange feeling. I could see and recognise the emotions of others but I was just too depleted to care. Well, not that exactly. More like I couldn't make the effort to try and meet anyone else's needs. I was just empty. I used to get out of bed, brush my hair which exhausted me and crawled back into bed and that was me done for the day.
It's a really selfish illness because it's really all about the sufferer. And as a sufferer, I should be more sympathetic to your husband. But I know that this is a pattern that will likely repeat itself, no matter what help he gets. I'd really think carefully about whether you have the strength to have this central in your life. Maybe you're both better as friends.
He will not be able to make any decisions. And if he did, it wouldn't be a reliable indicator of what he was really thinking anyway. Its really on you to decide how you want to proceed.
Being confused and hurt has nothing to do with intelligence or being a strong-minded, independent woman. They're human emotions that we all process differently and on our own timeline. You're suffering a form of grief and the time it takes to deal with that and get over it has nothing to do with your intelligence or capabilities.

I can feel your pain. I had an awful breakup once, it was so stressful that half my hair fell out. We were living together and I was totally beholden to his every mood and whim. Eventually I went away for the weekend so he could pack, I got back and he hadn't, he was still prevaricating about whether to go or not, so I finally got my strength and anger together to pack for him and made that decision for him.
My mantra was "I choose to live a life without pain". PPs are right, you'll constantly be on edge wondering if he's going to do it again.

I don’t think you will start to get yourself back until you fully decide to kill the relationship (because you deserve better than to be treated like this), grieve it properly and then rebuild your life. You can’t rebuild in this weird limbo situation. Enough is enough.

No. There's depression, and then there is the way he's treating you. I'm surprised that your dad and close friend are advising you to hang on, I don't see how this man is ever going to give you what you deserve in terms of a partner. He just isn't up to it, consistently and long term, ill or not, and you deserve someone who makes good times a baseline.

You need to put yourself first in the same way that he is.
You have needs and are just as important as him.

If he's depressed then I would take the one year deadline with a pinch of salt. Depression sucks all the energy out of your body and it would be easy to drift like that for years. He has to do the work and make the changes to get out of it. As much as you'd like to save him, you can't fix this for him and there's no guarantee that he'll revert to the man that you fell in love with.

Your friends could be right - he may resent that you are happy while he's depressed and won't be happy until you're as depressed as him. How fucked up is that ?

I am divorced and the worst part was when we had split up and had to live together. I have experienced that depression but that limbo state took me to a new low. While I missed ex when he left, his departure was when happiness started to creep into my life and start the process of emotionally detaching. In my case it was about 3 months but it was the longest and most painful time in my life. There were tears and anger after he left but the it really was the start of a new chapter.

You're lost in some self flagellation fantasy romantic fairy story.

‘And he's become more and more bitter towards me - calling me all names that I've felt he wanted to call his mum. It's just been awful but I don't believe there's anyone in the world who loves and cares for him like I do, he's broken, and I've always tried to care for him. But now I'm broken too’

so you are the proxy for his mother? The emotional punch bag?

he's done this before, in 2015 and 2016. He asked me to marry him in 2017, wwe bought our home together, got married in 2019,

I wanted to leave him in early 2022 but he begged me to work at us and I relented, we had an amazing spring/summer,

he left for 4 weeks in January, returned for 4 weeks then left permanently 6 weeks ago tomorrow

Ever heard of the cycle of abuse where you have really bad moments until you can't cope anymore then suddenly his behaviour changes and you have the best time ever, then you have bad moments, then good, then bad....thats you. Its from the classic abusers handbook. In between the highs and lows the woman (usually) starts losing confidence, losing self esteem, stops being strong, cant cope, can't function.

I have been around seriously clinically depressed people. They don't behave like this. Abusers do.

Look at the facts.
His career is flourishing and you're earning less.
He knows that you know family law well.
Of course he doesn't want to start the divorce process. It will cost him £££ when his assets are put in the pot and divided up.
He wants to have his cake and eat it. Keep you dangling in the hope he will come back, while saving the financial hit of a divorce.
Get full financial disclosure and start prepping for a consent order. That will focus his mind.

Stop this right now. Pull yourself together. It’s time to stop this ridiculous scenario and find your self respect.
he doesn’t love you, if he did he wouldn’t treat you so badly.
he doesn’t need time and space. He just wants to do what he wants with the option to come back to you.
he doesn’t want to say it’s over forever as he probably doesn’t want you moving on/finding somebody else before him.
this isn’t depression. My DH suffers depression. but he’s also bloody wonderful on medication and treats me so well.
Stop this. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s time to block ALL communication with him
and start a divorce

I don't think it's depression, it sounds more like manipulation to me. If you're someone who tries to rescue and fix people, you've probably been enabling his behaviour and he's only going to get worse.

Best thing to do is to find a local therapist. It's all patterns, and they can help you pick through it and find yourself again.

I and a year of counselling before I felt strong enough to apply for a divorce. It's very hard to explain unless you've been there, but trauma bonding is real and painful.

You cannot save this man, you’re building this up in your head as no one loves him like you. He just needs to recognise your love and he’ll change.

It’s all bullshit, and blaming depression is not on really. Most depressed people don’t manipulate others and try to bring them down. They’re too mentally exhausted to play those games, getting out of bed is hard enough.

You need to face up to the fact he doesn’t love, likely hasn’t loved you properly for some time. Now he is trying life on his own but keeping you on the back burner just in case.

@WheelsUp thank you for being so honest. At the moment I’m constantly ruminating and I can’t shift it - from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep - I even dream about him. Is this normal in the early days and does it lift? It’s driving me nuts

How do you start to move on when you end a marriage! I'm the one who ended it but after years of arguing and upset that I know has started to affect our children (13/10) the relationship was becoming toxic. I'm not ready to let go and have no idea how to but felt I had no choice as the arguing was getting worse. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm heartbroken. I dont have much of a support network and just don't know how to accept its over when I still care so much for my husband. He's currently blocked me and blames me for ruining the family, but it was a no win situation. I dont know how to even think about not being with him.

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