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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feel so upset :(

55 replies

DonutKnow · 04/05/2023 18:04

This is a rant because I just feel really upset/stressed/annoyed.
Why is it that if a dad, who walked out when the child was a baby, chooses to have another baby with someone else then the maintenance towards the child goes down. How is this fair in the first child?
So, my ex had a baby and has gone and worked out the maintenance now that he has a baby and it's now less than it was. The cost of living has gone up hugely so again, we have more to fork out. Morally, how is this okay? He literally pays to the penny, what the Gov. calculates.
My husband pays WAY more towards his step daughter, and it'll be even more now. My ex spoils her rotten and us guys don't, we can't afford to go away all the time like they do or go out for meals every weekend we have her.
I feel sick to my stomach that he's okay doing this. And the reason is - he'll be all smug about it as he won't see it as his first daughter missing out, he'll see it as us having to pay more. F*cked off is an understatement. Sorry about rant but don't want to tell my husband as he'll be really upset too 😢

OP posts:
taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 17:10

He has another child to support. How is this wrong? He has two children now. Its only fair that he spends money on both.

Original poster
DonutKnow · 05/05/2023 18:24

Thanks for the reply! Really appreciated, hugely helped my rant - woo 🥳

I didn't have another child as can't afford to but hey, that's just me. I'm a very silly sausage about getting wound up about my cheating ex having a baby then lowering the already low maintenance for his first child because of it, resulting in me having to pay more....so that's me, who chose not to have more kids, paying for his baby that he had with the girl he cheated on me with.

I apologise profusely for the rant, I thought this was a support group 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 05/05/2023 18:26

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 17:10

He has another child to support. How is this wrong? He has two children now. Its only fair that he spends money on both.

Normally it’s best to be able to afford more children before having them, without financially disadvantaging the older ones. Being separated from the mum shouldn’t change this.

Aubree17 · 05/05/2023 19:06

Don't be bitter, be better.
Better yourself so you can give your child all the things he cannot/will not.

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 19:11

TeaKitten · 05/05/2023 18:26

Normally it’s best to be able to afford more children before having them, without financially disadvantaging the older ones. Being separated from the mum shouldn’t change this.

Show quote history

How that would work? Does he need to reach a certain salary to be allowed to have more children? If that were the case, all couples that receive benefits should not be allowed to have more children as they are not able to afford the ones they already have without government help. Nonsense.

TeaKitten · 05/05/2023 19:41

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 19:11

How that would work? Does he need to reach a certain salary to be allowed to have more children? If that were the case, all couples that receive benefits should not be allowed to have more children as they are not able to afford the ones they already have without government help. Nonsense.

Show quote history

Not all parents are on benefits, of course plenty of people try and make sure they earn enough before having another kid. I can’t work out if you are just on the wind up or not. Anyway I’m sure OP gets your point and has enjoyed your lovely contribution, have a nice day.

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 19:46

I see. The only acceptable contribution is to agree with OP. OP. You are right. How dare the feckless man to have more children? He has no right. Only you have the right to rebuild your life.

Iheartherain · 05/05/2023 19:50

Do you feel really good about your clever, funny, witty retort, @taxpayer1 ? Hmm

Original poster
DonutKnow · 05/05/2023 20:14

I mean......🙄

OP posts:
CoronationWombleSandwiches · 05/05/2023 20:18

PP was being sarcastic but I think 'feckless' is the right word for him.

JumbledE · 05/05/2023 20:20

That’s a really sucky law/policy. I can see why you’re so frustrated! You’re DC doesn’t need any less ‘maintenance’ just because he’s had another child. :/ sadly it doesn’t sound like there is much you can do in this situation.

LividHouse · 05/05/2023 20:20

I agree with you. Already expecting my ex to do this sort of bullshittery.

Original poster
DonutKnow · 05/05/2023 20:20

If only you knew the full picture. Like I said yesterday, this was just a rant as I've had years of stress from this man not doing right by his first born. I'm not going to go in to it all but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My personal opinion is that perhaps people shouldn't have lots of babies if they can't afford them. Why should tax payers pay for them? The planet is overpopulated as it is.
I really struggle financially with one child and now it'll be even more of a struggle but hey ho! You're entitled to disagree, it is just .y opinion.

But anyways, this was just a little rant as I find it cathartic to write it down. Wish I hadn't bothered now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DonutKnow · 05/05/2023 20:23

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 19:46

I see. The only acceptable contribution is to agree with OP. OP. You are right. How dare the feckless man to have more children? He has no right. Only you have the right to rebuild your life.

Thanks! 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
DonutKnow · 05/05/2023 20:25

JumbledE · 05/05/2023 20:20

That’s a really sucky law/policy. I can see why you’re so frustrated! You’re DC doesn’t need any less ‘maintenance’ just because he’s had another child. :/ sadly it doesn’t sound like there is much you can do in this situation.

Exactly, that was my point. I know I can't do anything about it, I was just venting as upset.

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 05/05/2023 20:25

Why should tax payers pay for them?
Exactly! How can non-resident parents give so little shits? Because they get away with it...
Sorry DonutKnow, you, as a responsible parent, are left to cope somehow.

BeautifulWar · 05/05/2023 20:54

How dare the feckless man to have more children? He has no right. Only you have the right to rebuild your life.

Well, isn't it feckless to have more children if it compromises the security of your first child? It can't be policed, no, but you'd hope people gave enough of a shit about their offspring to make sure they're not missing out because of your decisions in life.

Presumably, the OP moving on with her life includes looking after and providing for her children!

Minimalme · 05/05/2023 21:02

I agree op. Normally MN is all about only having children you can afford.

Except it seems, in this instance.

Your poor ex, rebuilding his life by having a baby with his affair partner and paying less to support his existing child. Poor man. How he has suffered.

ejbaxa · 05/05/2023 21:06

taxpayer1 · 05/05/2023 17:10

He has another child to support. How is this wrong? He has two children now. Its only fair that he spends money on both.

If he was going to take money needed for the care of his first child in order to have a second one, then he shouldn’t have had a second one. That’s how it is wrong.

Bluebellsbells · 05/05/2023 22:52

Of course it's fair! His wage has to now cover expenses for two children! You can't control his life and you shouldn't let his financial situation control yours.

LatteOneShotplease · 05/05/2023 22:57

I am on your side @DonutKnow , and I feel for you. BUT, please try not to let it drag you down, although it is hard, I know.
And personally I do not believe that people who abandon one child, should have any more at all. It is that clear cut in my (admittedly very very biased) mind.

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 23:00

At least you manage to get some? could be worse I don t get a penny and he has no other kids

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 05/05/2023 23:02

I thought the repayments would only reduce if his second child also didn't live with him.

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 23:16

You can't control his life and you shouldn't let his financial situation control yours.

Well she clearly can't control his life. But how exactly can she stop his financial situation controlling hers? she now receives less money so will have to supplement with her own money? So his financial situation is controlling hers. His decision to have a child had an immediate knock-on effect on her financial situation.

Did you mean "don't think about how his financial situation controls yours as you can't do anything about it" because that makes more sense. Although I think she is entitled to a rant before she accepts that when he gives her less money, she and her partner will have to make up the shortfall.

Rant away OP.

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 23:25

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 05/05/2023 23:02

I thought the repayments would only reduce if his second child also didn't live with him.

No it's any children he lives with biological or not

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