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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How much to pay for temporary custody of kids?

57 replies

FloydPink · 25/04/2023 15:10

So, wife is moving out on Friday to her mums, a small 2 bed bungalow, so the kids are going to stay with me for 2-3 months full time until she is able to move to her new house and then it's 50/50. I guess as things go, we have an ok relationship, tense of late but arguments are generally nipped in the bud before they blow up and we are getting on ok.

I am trying to work out how much she should pay over this time as I will be responsible for most care and costs, she will probably only have them one night a week. It sounds like a petty thing but we (more me I guess) am trying to be completely open and transparent on things so that if things were to get awkward, we can prove fairness etc. like getting an email from the other when we ask to take kids on holiday etc.. Am sure that if roles were reversed she would be expecting money from me but how to work it out? Just take the food (two hungry teens) they eat, what about money towards general bills (they generate loads of washing lol), what are fair things to contribute to?

Child Maintenance calc claims £544 based on her earnings but it didn't ask for mine. I do earn more than her but the mortgage and paying her off have totally wiped out most disposable income, so that our planned amounts leftover each month are roughly the same.

OP posts:
SpringOn · 25/04/2023 15:16

So you earn more, and are staying in the family home, and it’s a couple of months, during which presumably she will have quite a few expenses setting up her new place.

DC are teens so no significant childcare costs presumably and she is still having them once a week?

I wouldn’t ask my DH for anything in the same situation. Like you said, seems petty.

Original poster
FloydPink · 25/04/2023 15:23

I know it sounds petty but in terms of setting up new place, this was factored into the financial agreement that has been signed. She has already tried to move the goalposts on a few things (nothing major) hence why I like to have everything in writing and clearly laid out.

Thing is, it is a new build house and our house was 2 months late in terms of moving in, so 2-3m could be 4-5m in reality.

OP posts:
Cheetahmum · 25/04/2023 15:29

The child maintenance calculator told you what you can expect. It's based on the earnings of the non resident parent so doesn't take your earnings into account at all, which is why it didn't ask for them

Wishitsnows · 25/04/2023 15:32

Sounds a bit petty really

Bananarama77 · 25/04/2023 15:32

It’s not petty to ask for it, kids need it to live of course you should get it for them

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2023 15:33

Ha you lot saying Petty are the exact same who would say "and get a CMS claim in asap" if a woman said her ex dh was moving in with his mother for 2 months and couldn't do 50/50.

Simonjt · 25/04/2023 15:34

Claiming child maintenance is never petty and a non-resident parent shouldn’t have to be asked.

Bananarama77 · 25/04/2023 15:34

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2023 15:33

Ha you lot saying Petty are the exact same who would say "and get a CMS claim in asap" if a woman said her ex dh was moving in with his mother for 2 months and couldn't do 50/50.

Exactly! Of course she should pay..how ridiculous to suggest otherwise

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 15:35

What CM are you currently paying her? Or is that nothing cos it is 50:50?

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2023 15:36

It’s not petty

no one on here would be telling a woman to not ask ex for money

teens eat a lot!
she should at least make a contribution even if you agree less than cms between you - and she should be volunteering!

Oubliette86 · 25/04/2023 15:37

Of course it’s not petty, what a load of bollocks! If you had written husband instead of wife, not one person would think it’s petty. Mumsnet double standards at its finest!

OP, you ask for the amount the CM calculator tells you.

Campervangirl · 25/04/2023 15:41

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SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 15:42

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harsh post!

50:50 is the starting point and, as the kids are teens, they probably had some say in this.

mewkins · 25/04/2023 15:43

If it's for a few months then I wouldn't bother. I am guessing you are both on quite decent salaries? Or you could come to an arrangement where you cover food and living costs and she pays their monthly allowances (so is giving them money rather than you).

Lovingitallnow · 25/04/2023 15:44

I'd say accept CMS, you might have to struggle more for these months with less disposable income but going forward she'll have less disposable income because she earns less and you're both taking them 50:50- I assume you won't be subsidizing her when you're 50:50 to make sure it's equal?

CoozudBoyuPuak · 25/04/2023 15:52

So, CMS calculates £544pm based on her earnings. I suggest that you (a) calculate what the same site says for your own earnings - for the sake of this example I shall assume it's £844 for ease of calculation, but substitute the actual figure, and then (b) suggest that for the duration that the kids stay with you, however long that is, obviously you don't pay her any CMS for that period, but she doesn't pay you anything and then (c) once they go back to live with her full time, for the first X months - however long it was that they stayed with you, instead of giving her £844pm you give her £844-£544 = £300 pm, until the period has equalised, then you can revert to giving her the full amount.

In effect it will be the same as if she paid you CM for the duration that they are with you, and you then pay her CM once they are back with her, but it's a lot less petty and squabbly this way.

Bananarama77 · 25/04/2023 15:53

CoozudBoyuPuak · 25/04/2023 15:52

So, CMS calculates £544pm based on her earnings. I suggest that you (a) calculate what the same site says for your own earnings - for the sake of this example I shall assume it's £844 for ease of calculation, but substitute the actual figure, and then (b) suggest that for the duration that the kids stay with you, however long that is, obviously you don't pay her any CMS for that period, but she doesn't pay you anything and then (c) once they go back to live with her full time, for the first X months - however long it was that they stayed with you, instead of giving her £844pm you give her £844-£544 = £300 pm, until the period has equalised, then you can revert to giving her the full amount.

In effect it will be the same as if she paid you CM for the duration that they are with you, and you then pay her CM once they are back with her, but it's a lot less petty and squabbly this way.

When she gets her own place they are splitting 50/50 so he won’t be giving her anything

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/04/2023 15:55

Genuinely confused by those saying that OP is petty for asking for money for his children. If he was a woman most here would be saying to ask the full amount.
As you both get on ok I would say have a conversation where you ask her how much she thinks is reasonable and go from there. But she should pay something

MrsCarson · 25/04/2023 15:57

For the sake of an amicable relationship with the mother of your children and to make things more calm for the kids too, don't ask for anything. You'll just cause friction.
If you want to be petty, have her keep the kids full time and you see them one night a week for the same amount of time as you have them while she's setting up a home.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2023 16:02

MrsCarson · 25/04/2023 15:57

For the sake of an amicable relationship with the mother of your children and to make things more calm for the kids too, don't ask for anything. You'll just cause friction.
If you want to be petty, have her keep the kids full time and you see them one night a week for the same amount of time as you have them while she's setting up a home.

There is no way you make this comment to a mother who's ex was moving into his own mother's for a few months and couldn't have the kids more than 1x night a week.

This place is like the fucking Twlight Zone sometimes.

Offthexmaslist · 25/04/2023 16:03

Is that the same advice you would give a man who was moving in with his parents for a few months and leaving me with the kids and costs ?

Utterly unbelievable. Such hypocrisy. There are many women who are equal earners to male parents these days. No reason why this man should expect to take on full costs of JOINT children

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 25/04/2023 16:07

Work out if their will be no CM due when you’re doing 50/50. It’s not always the case that it’s 0. It depends on your relative salaries.

caringcarer · 25/04/2023 16:25

CoozudBoyuPuak · 25/04/2023 15:52

So, CMS calculates £544pm based on her earnings. I suggest that you (a) calculate what the same site says for your own earnings - for the sake of this example I shall assume it's £844 for ease of calculation, but substitute the actual figure, and then (b) suggest that for the duration that the kids stay with you, however long that is, obviously you don't pay her any CMS for that period, but she doesn't pay you anything and then (c) once they go back to live with her full time, for the first X months - however long it was that they stayed with you, instead of giving her £844pm you give her £844-£544 = £300 pm, until the period has equalised, then you can revert to giving her the full amount.

In effect it will be the same as if she paid you CM for the duration that they are with you, and you then pay her CM once they are back with her, but it's a lot less petty and squabbly this way.

I don't understand if they are having 50:50 custody of children why one parent would have to give the other anything as they both.pay for children's expenses whilst they are staying with them and go 50:50 on school uniform, shoes and clothes.

Whilst one parent has them 6/7 nights then that information put into CMS calculation is £554 so that is what the absent parent should pay until they go 50:50.

Original poster
FloydPink · 25/04/2023 16:46

Thanks - moving forward when 50/50 there is no CMS to pay as we both have them equal time and will be splitting things like school trips, football club subs etc down the line too.

Yes, I do earn more but due to the settlement and keeping the home I will be tight on cash when we go to 50/50 so while I have them most of the time it will really eat into me.

On a side note, we have been 'debating' how we cater for clothes moving forward. Do parents have clothes at respective houses which generally don't move locations? I am suggesting that clothes I buy stay here, and the ones she buys stays at hers. Kids will be 1 mile apart so often just going to a different house after school so not packing stuff. Then it also save future arguments (for either of us) when clothes end up missing and my son has 10 pairs of pants here and use 2 at his mums!!

OP posts:
Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 25/04/2023 16:49

The kids are teens right? Some cheap basics in each home and any special clothes they are particularly attached to/saved up for they are responsible for and they can choose to bring with them as they please. Don’t try telling teenagers where they can and cannot keep their own clothes, it won’t go well.