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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do you know? Is it groundhog day?

31 replies

NoodleHorse · 16/04/2023 11:48

Just that really, how do you know when it's done and your finished?

Is it head or heart?

Is it that your bogged down in parenthood and can't see the wood for the trees? That one day you'll come out of that fog and it will be okay and your glad you tried to save this marriage?
Or is that just sticking it out for the kids?

Do I trust my gut and my heart? Feel the fear and tell him I want to finish it?

I am absolutely petrified, he will be so angry and make things unbelievably difficult. I don't even know what to do or where to turn. I wish I had a friend I could talk to without them being couples we mutually know. I have one friend buy when I spoke before H later went through my phone and read the messages so now doesn't like her and I just tell her things have just been better.

I'm aware this is a terrible post, and I do apologise. I've been watching this board for months tbh.

OP posts:
TickTockBaby · 16/04/2023 12:19

I'm where you are OP.
I've been reading ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it is helping gain some clarity for me.

osnapitzchloe · 16/04/2023 12:45

I have nothing to add OP but just know I’m exactly where you are and I just feel so numb and consumed by it all. Sending love

Original poster
NoodleHorse · 16/04/2023 15:00

Yes I feel absolutely numb, I know I need clarity and it's obvious he knows aswell but I don't know what to do.

I read thread after thread, but practically I feel rooted to the spot

OP posts:
FridayKnight · 16/04/2023 18:40

This friend you spoke to before. Is it possible for you to message her again? Depending on what messaging platform you use you can set it to delete messages automatically.

Original poster
NoodleHorse · 16/04/2023 18:55

I could but I know she thinks I should walk away but she seems to think it's simple and you just go and if you don't do it ASAP then you clearly don't want to, especially after me telling her he read them so we actually just don't talk about it. I probably am being unreasonable there, she's a very good friend but is very far away.

H thinks now she just wants me to be 'a single parent like her' which infuriates me

OP posts:
marypoppinsreturns · 16/04/2023 19:06

I could have practically written this post OP. My H refuses to engage in any sort of conversation about the way forward and I can't just leave as my salary is all tied up in our joint property plus the upset of moving my child and pets, plus he would make things very difficult for me. I hope you find the answers.

HurricaneLane · 16/04/2023 19:16

marypoppinsreturns · 16/04/2023 19:06

I could have practically written this post OP. My H refuses to engage in any sort of conversation about the way forward and I can't just leave as my salary is all tied up in our joint property plus the upset of moving my child and pets, plus he would make things very difficult for me. I hope you find the answers.

So similar too. I hope you fins answers too

FridayKnight · 16/04/2023 19:43

From your post then it looks like he knows you are considering splitting up from reading those messages and I guess he isn't keen to discuss your relationship, either just the two of you or with a professional. Although you haven't said much more it seems like there is or was more going on for you to be thinking of breaking up.

HurricaneLane · 16/04/2023 20:00

I've tried to discuss it and get shot down. I've tried suggesting relate and he went nuts.

I'm constantly over stimulated by having 3 children and working full time. The last thing I want is to be touched and cuddled at night when I'm up 4+ times with one of them. So that's a problem, I won't be cuddled etc, take compliments when I'm getting changed, i don't want sex (must be having an affair), I'm not but it's sooo off putting and the intamcy isn't great either.

He swears too much esp around the children and calls people names like 'moron' and dingbat. He's a nightmare if we argue and storms out (but comes back 20 minutes later)

He shouts all the time and it is exhausting and no wonder the kids don't listen tbh. I even tune out as it's like: here he goes again! Or I find myself thinking 'don't do or say that kids it will set him off'. He argues with the eldest at 12 all the time.

I take pride in my appearance always have (must be having an affair) he really really doesn't and its rather unattractive if I'm honest, I don't fancy him right now.

I'm beyond exhausted. We seem to have totally different ideas about life, our dreams definitely don't match at all. Well he makes out they do, as he's is like a puppy trying to please me half the time and as above the rest of the time.

I feel like I'm not my authentic self at the moment.

Is this just the realities of parenthood and sleepless nights, marriage or goodness knows what?

Original poster
NoodleHorse · 23/04/2023 11:42

I just wondered if anyone had any thought on this

OP posts:
FridayKnight · 23/04/2023 12:35

Thoughts on what @NoodleHorse ?

Original poster
NoodleHorse · 23/04/2023 12:49

All of it really, on how to know

Feeling very lonely at the moment

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 12:55

I think one thing that will help you is to empower yourself.
Prepare to leave so you can go. So get your wage and child benefit paid into your own bank account. Think about how you would afford to be on your own, work it out in your head.
Then see a solicitor, no need for DH to know, and that will let you know what you can expect to get. Seeing the solicitor made me see that I’m not being unreasonable, and that I can afford to go it alone.

Isheabastard · 23/04/2023 13:02

When you find it is all you think about day in day out. When every time they leave something out or half done your resentment spikes. When you don’t care where they go because it means they are out of the house.

When your immediate reaction to seeing their name on your mobile is to scowl and then you force your voice to be pleasant. When you daydream about living on your own.

When you find you are having to be someone you are not, you don’t say what you really want to say because they can get very angry very quickly.

And most of all if you are too scared to bring the subject up because you know they will be angry and nasty.

Thats when I knew it was time. I brought it up in the middle of a minor row. I said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. That it was that or nothing.

He made it easy by saying fuck off and have your divorce. Win, win. He is still being a shit and making things difficult, but there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

FridayKnight · 23/04/2023 13:04

I agree with @DustyLee123 prepare and plan. Going back to your first post do you feel it in your head and heart?

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 13:12

Isheabastard · 23/04/2023 13:02

When you find it is all you think about day in day out. When every time they leave something out or half done your resentment spikes. When you don’t care where they go because it means they are out of the house.

When your immediate reaction to seeing their name on your mobile is to scowl and then you force your voice to be pleasant. When you daydream about living on your own.

When you find you are having to be someone you are not, you don’t say what you really want to say because they can get very angry very quickly.

And most of all if you are too scared to bring the subject up because you know they will be angry and nasty.

Thats when I knew it was time. I brought it up in the middle of a minor row. I said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. That it was that or nothing.

He made it easy by saying fuck off and have your divorce. Win, win. He is still being a shit and making things difficult, but there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is me, this is absolutely me, and I haven’t been able to work out if it’s peri menopause or the relationship causing it.

stealthninjamum · 23/04/2023 13:22

Op I think you need to work out whether you want to stay because you see a possible better life with your h or if you are afraid of a future without him.

When my exh left I begged him to stay and now four years later I believe I still loved him but was fearful of the future. Well now I’m in ‘the future’ it’s actually better than I expected. I had no choice so had to make lots of quick decisions and adjust to life as a single mum.

Are you on Instagram? There’s a fantastic lawyer called The Legal Queen who specialises in family law. Spend a few months researching the divorce process, declutter / decorate scruffy bits of your house in case you sell it, look up benefits, local property prices, schools etc I think by doing the research you can perhaps start planning and remove your fears of being separated. You really want to make a decision based on rational facts.

HurricaneLane · 23/04/2023 13:29

This all so helpful. I think I feel it in head and heart. I could have written @itsa post.

Sometimes I think gor practicalities it's easier to stay

I've booked some counselling too.

There is a huge lack of passion and chemistry for me. He thinks it's wonderful and everything I'm reading is about getting it back.

We can't get it back, it was never there for me to begin with. I've had that with other people but never the security or safety and I thought that's what I had been missing and that's what I thought was enough and made this different

Isheabastard · 23/04/2023 16:40

@DustyLee123 I’d ask are you having problems with your other relationships and/or work? If its everyone and everything annoying you then it could be menopause, but it could be like me when it’s both.

Menopause made me open my eyes and I started feeling I wasn’t being treated fairly.

Therapy then validated my feelings and the scales fell from my eyes, and I knew it was time to leave.

We are allowed to change and not put up with someone we’d been putting up with for years.

Im very lucky I have never had a moments hesitation or worry about being on my own from the moment he said fuck off and have your divorce.

Tiffi · 23/04/2023 19:01

Sorry to jump on but I feel like this is me too. On and off for years I’ve considered leaving but I don’t because I really do love him and I love our family unit. Or maybe I love the idea of it more than the reality? Who knows

When it’s good it’s really good, but that’s happening less and less.. then I think is that just because we have young children so we don’t get time together to have those good times?

H struggles with depression and it has got worse lately, so I feel guilty for even thinking of leaving him right now but I don’t enjoy being around him at all. The atmosphere is horrible when he’s here, he shouts at the kids, he can be incredibly lazy (but other times he’s very useful) He’s very angry (maybe the depression?) He drinks too much (not in the house) and stays out till stupid hours every other week. That’s not the dad or husband I wanted. We don’t go on days out anymore, it’s too stressful because he doesn’t want to be there. He won’t even agree to go for a family walk or take the kids to the park.. things I love doing. I resent him for his free life.. golf, football, pubs, trips abroad, more money than me.. he can do whatever he wants while I’m stuck here being mom. And he does those things with his friends, but never wants to do fun stuff with us.

but I always come back to how much I love him. And the fact we haven’t been married long, only one year. So am I jumping ship as soon as it gets hard? I’m back and forth in my mind constantly and I just don’t know what to do

Bunnywabbity · 23/04/2023 19:08

I'd contact Women's Aid. You shouldn't be petrified of your partner. He shouldn't be going through your phone. You sound isolated and in need of support.

HurricaneLane · 23/04/2023 20:16

It's so hard isn't it.

I just don't know , is this what it's like as you get older and have children... is this what happens to everyone? Do you stop fancying them

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 21:29

I’m early 50’s and I’ve been wavering over divorce for a couple of years, and I’m fed up with it. I just want to feel settled and happy again.
I think about it daily, and in the night when I wake up. Im so fed up of it.
I think I’ve got a combination of empty nest syndrome, peri menopause and marriage problems. I am full of resentment, it’s like a ball of anger inside me. But I don’t want to end it and it be a mistake.
I want to feel loved, I want a hug, but that’s never going to happen with DH again. We are in separate rooms due to his snoring, not had sex for over 3 years, and neither do I want it with him.
And I’d ask the same question, is this it ?

ThisIsaNiceDress · 23/04/2023 21:34

A bad marriage is a bad marriage regardless. You tried to work on it and he is refusing. What else can we say?
you’re not going to wake up one day suddenly feeling happy.
sorry if I sound harsh. I’ve been through hell and back but would not give up my freedom for anything now. I can relate to the numbness, inability to take action, all of it. You will leave when you are ready. If I could send you some strength I would. A good therapist would help, for sure. To get you to a point when you are ready to and able to leave. That’s my opinion.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 23/04/2023 21:36

The fact you came here to ask the question is the answer. A person in a half decent marriage… would probably not. Not very likely.