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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How do you know? Is it groundhog day?

31 replies

NoodleHorse · 16/04/2023 11:48

Just that really, how do you know when it's done and your finished?

Is it head or heart?

Is it that your bogged down in parenthood and can't see the wood for the trees? That one day you'll come out of that fog and it will be okay and your glad you tried to save this marriage?
Or is that just sticking it out for the kids?

Do I trust my gut and my heart? Feel the fear and tell him I want to finish it?

I am absolutely petrified, he will be so angry and make things unbelievably difficult. I don't even know what to do or where to turn. I wish I had a friend I could talk to without them being couples we mutually know. I have one friend buy when I spoke before H later went through my phone and read the messages so now doesn't like her and I just tell her things have just been better.

I'm aware this is a terrible post, and I do apologise. I've been watching this board for months tbh.

OP posts:

Seas164 · 23/04/2023 21:48

For me I knew when I had lost all hope that it was ever going to be any better, I felt very very sure that I did not want to live out my one short life in that way, even for another day, and knew that I couldn't bring the DC up watching that as an example of a loving relationship and go out and seek similar for themselves.

There was no confusion, and there's not been a moment since that I have regretted my decision.

On the one hand I'd say that if you harbour hope that it can and will improve and think that there's a possibility that you're just bogged down in the early years with young kids, then you're maybe that's the case.

However

Do I trust my gut and my heart? Feel the fear and tell him I want to finish it? I am absolutely petrified, he will be so angry and make things unbelievably difficult.

being "absolutely petrified" of your husbands reaction is not a good reason to stay married to him. If you were in a loving relationship his reaction might be confusion and devastation, not extreme anger, and his drive would be to ensure you, he and the kids are ok at the other side of the upheaval, not make things unbelievably difficult.

Ultimately, only you know, but this is a decision you make for yourself, nobody is going to come in with a clipboard and tell you you've suffered enough and you're released from duty, and you're free to go.

HurricaneLane · 24/04/2023 12:17

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FridayKnight · 24/04/2023 15:52

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Post references identifying post

OnwardsAndUpwardsOneMoreTime · 25/04/2023 12:14

Isheabastard · 23/04/2023 13:02

When you find it is all you think about day in day out. When every time they leave something out or half done your resentment spikes. When you don’t care where they go because it means they are out of the house.

When your immediate reaction to seeing their name on your mobile is to scowl and then you force your voice to be pleasant. When you daydream about living on your own.

When you find you are having to be someone you are not, you don’t say what you really want to say because they can get very angry very quickly.

And most of all if you are too scared to bring the subject up because you know they will be angry and nasty.

Thats when I knew it was time. I brought it up in the middle of a minor row. I said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. That it was that or nothing.

He made it easy by saying fuck off and have your divorce. Win, win. He is still being a shit and making things difficult, but there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

This, this is exactly where I am at :(
I'm hoping for a similar response when I tell him, but won't be as lucky I think. I'm already starting to get the text messages grovelling how we are a "team" and how much he loves me.... but in reality this is him backtracking for treating me like crap.

january123 · 30/04/2023 21:07

DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 21:29

I’m early 50’s and I’ve been wavering over divorce for a couple of years, and I’m fed up with it. I just want to feel settled and happy again.
I think about it daily, and in the night when I wake up. Im so fed up of it.
I think I’ve got a combination of empty nest syndrome, peri menopause and marriage problems. I am full of resentment, it’s like a ball of anger inside me. But I don’t want to end it and it be a mistake.
I want to feel loved, I want a hug, but that’s never going to happen with DH again. We are in separate rooms due to his snoring, not had sex for over 3 years, and neither do I want it with him.
And I’d ask the same question, is this it ?

I could have written this post.
Married for 25 years, together 30. 2 teens
I am a seething ball of resentment who continually thinks about life on my own.

But too scared... minimum wage part time job, he owns a business which is on a cliff edge, house that is more building site than home. I can't see any path to where I want to be

Mumof3confused · 30/04/2023 22:22

I found that a therapist was a really great help to begin to get some clarity.

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