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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

My Son's screen time when with his dad. Unacceptable. What to do?

48 replies

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 09:16

Looking for advice on how to address this without causing a huge argument. I have 2 children. DD aged 12 years old and DS aged 11 years old. I split up from their father 18 months ago. He had completely given up on family life, was drinking too much, verbally abusive. Generally vile.

Anyhow, he has the children every other weekend and half the holidays. They have just spent 2 days at his and thanks to the powers of Google I can see how much time they've spent online.

My son has no self control with his phone. He has spent 11-12 hours online each day he's been with his dad. 🤦🏼‍♀️mainly Tik Tok.

I've just set time allowance so this won't happen again. No I feel I need to speak to my ex about it. Why can't he take them out??? Urgh. He will of course take huge offence and be vile to me. What to do mumsnetters?

OP posts:

Phillipa12 · 11/04/2023 09:32

Would you like your ex telling you what to do with the dc on your time? Sadly his behaviour is irrelevant, unless he's neglecting the dc, and what he allows the dc to do when they are with him is up to him . Personally I wouldn't bring it up, there will be bigger battles and if as you say he will be vile to you, why bother. You have set a limit on the phone now, I would just leave it like that. (I do agree with you on the time, but I've been there and tried that argument and got nowhere)

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 09:37

You're right Philipa. Sadly. It's just not healthy for the kids.

OP posts:

Marblessolveeverything · 11/04/2023 09:51

Have you exclusive access to the devices if so you can set time limits?

lljkk · 11/04/2023 09:56

how do they spend their time with you, OP? How many hours/day online?

JupiterFortified · 11/04/2023 10:00

There’s nothing you can do about it OP. On dad’s time he can let them do whatever he wants to let them do (obviously within reason, I’m not talking letting them smoke at the ages of 11 and 12).

Reugny · 11/04/2023 10:01

Unfortunately you cannot address without causing a massive argument.

His parenting will be considered good enough by SS and the Family Court so be regarded as "a difference in parenting"

If you own the devices you need to block your children from having access to Tik Tok, Instragram and Snap Chat as they are actually too young. Then as Tik Tok videos are shown on YouTube you need to limit the time they can spend on the phones yourself.

Mumski45 · 11/04/2023 10:29

You can't control what happens under his care. As long as they are fed watered and safe you need to leave home to it.

It doesn't sound like he would listen and might take great pleasure in winding you up by doing the exact opposite of what you ask.

If he was a shit parent when you were together then this is not going to magically change now.

If he is really bad then as the kids grow up they will realise this for themselves.

Xrays · 11/04/2023 10:39

Honestly just let it go. It’s not worth the battle (I say that as someone who left my dds vile dad when she was 6 months old, she’s now 20 and trust me we’ve had so many arguments over things over the years screen time has been the least of our worries)! I would stop checking google times etc when they’re there, you’ll just drive yourself crazy.

Xrays · 11/04/2023 10:41

Also - it isn’t ideal but if he’s a shit dad he won’t suddenly change to doing stuff with them if you limit screen time, so your Ds will just be sitting there bored to tears and unable to do anything to occupy himself so in that situation I’d rather my child just had as much screen time as they’d like.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/04/2023 12:13

I'm in the same situation, but nothing you can do unfortunately but watch your DC's attention span deteriorate and aggression levels rise 🤷

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:30

ou can't control what happens under his care. As long as they are fed watered and safe you need to leave home to it

She can though, she can't remotely control their devices and limit screen time.

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 12:37

lljkk · 11/04/2023 09:56

how do they spend their time with you, OP? How many hours/day online?

Well I can see by the Google stats it's more like 2 hours when they're with me. I make sure they get out and about and do other activities with them indoors. Board games, drawing, cooking, homework, piano practice, table tennis reading etc.

OP posts:

Daisydu · 11/04/2023 12:40

Well nothing. It’s his time with them and if that’s what he is ok with then… I mean my 13 year old spends most of her day on her phone, if her dad told me to take her out instead id tell him where to bloody go!

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 12:42

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/04/2023 12:13

I'm in the same situation, but nothing you can do unfortunately but watch your DC's attention span deteriorate and aggression levels rise 🤷

This is my worry. My son's attention span isn't great at the best of times. I've limited the time allowance on certain apps.

I just hoped, naively, that as he sees them much less than when we were together then he'd have more of inclination to do things with them. I was wrong 😬

OP posts:

maddy68 · 11/04/2023 12:42

You can't do anything
He has every right to parent his own way You will also do things that he doesn't agree with.

LysHastighed · 11/04/2023 12:42

I would suggest that you stop looking at the information as you can’t do anything about it. He’s equally their parent and is allowed to make his own decisions, even lazy and suboptimal decisions.
I would suspect that if you restrict the hours the devices can be used, the father will by other devices that you can’t monitor that stay at his place.
The only thing you can really do is encourage your kids to self-regulate.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:43

Daisydu · 11/04/2023 12:40

Maybe he should and maybe you should listen...why is your very young teen on their phone all day?

Daisydu · 11/04/2023 12:43

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:43

Maybe he should and maybe you should listen...why is your very young teen on their phone all day?

Show quote history

None of your business to be honest.

PuppyMonkey · 11/04/2023 12:46

There are screen time limits you can set up, but I don’t know… they’re not then magically going to get whisked off on an enriching trip out with dad. All you can do is trust they are safe and fed and coming home to you pretty soon.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 11/04/2023 12:50

I would look at it this way, if their dad was doing something constructive with them then they wouldn't need their screens. The admittedly excessive screen time is probably saving them from absolute boredom. I would leave it.

Comfies · 11/04/2023 12:50

They shouldn't have TikTok at that age? Isn't there an age limit?

You've limited time on there so it likely can't happen again, but you cannot dictate what your ex does with the kids unless he is negligent or abusive. Letting them spend too much time on TikTok (when you've presumably allowed them to have accounts on there as well) will just be seen as a difference in parenting styles as a pp said

Clearly that's too much screen time, but I don't think you can do anything more about it other than maybe mention in passing "do you think Jack is spending too much time online?" and approach it as a question rather than telling him "why can't you take them out ugh?" which is too confrontational

SD1978 · 11/04/2023 13:06

By putting blocks on screen time when they are with their dad what will they be doing Instead? I doubt he's going to magically start parenting, so instead they will be bored. And he'll be told by them no doubt that you've limited their access when they are there. Whether you agree with it or not (and I don't blame you that you don't) it can be seen as being quite passive aggressive on your part, and depending on him, and you've already said he's confrontational, I'd say this guaranteed some conflict for you, without it being so,eating that you're going to get a positive resolution from doing

Avarua2 · 11/04/2023 13:11

Horrible to be powerless to do anything. That is completely unacceptable, shit parenting from him.

Aerosarethebest · 11/04/2023 13:16

Don’t bother talking to your ex about it. Do talk to your son about it and discuss things he could do other than screentime at his dad’s place. Send him off with a book to read and his school homework to do. Does he want to move any toys over? Things like lego or meccano that might still hold his interest. Or board games he owns that he’d like to try with dad and sister?

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 11/04/2023 13:17

What your ex does with his children when he's got them isn't your business. He sounds a crap dad, by not taking them out or doing things with them, though. Could you not send their mobiles etc. when they stay with him?

My son has his kidss every weekend and half of every holidays, and they'd happily sit looking at shit on TikTok, and they do - but he takes them to parks, on walks, swimming, etc. When the weather's bad or he hasn't got much money, they do craft things or tend to the garden, or bake cakes. Your ex could be doing any of those things and more, but if he won't, you must leave it.

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