Page 2 | My Son's screen time when with his dad. Unacceptable. What to do?

guildingthelily · 2023-04-11T08:16:06+00:00

Looking for advice on how to address this without causing a huge argument. I have 2 children. DD aged 12 years old and DS aged 11 years old. I split up from their father 18 months ago. He had completely given up on family life, was drinking too much, verbally abusive. Generally vile. Anyhow, he has the children every other weekend and half the holidays. They have just spent 2 days at his and thanks to the powers of Google I can see how much time they've spent online. My son has no self control with his phone. He has spent 11-12 hours online each day he's been with his dad. 🤦🏼&zwj;♀️mainly Tik Tok. I've just set time allowance so this won't happen again. No I feel I need to speak to my ex about it. Why can't he take them out??? Urgh. He will of course take huge offence and be vile to me. What to do mumsnetters?

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 13:31

What your ex does with his children when he's got them isn't your business

Does anyone actually believe that? What my kids do is always my business.

Aerosarethebest · 11/04/2023 13:32

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 13:31

What your ex does with his children when he's got them isn't your business

Does anyone actually believe that? What my kids do is always my business.

Do you reckon it’s OPs ex’s business what they do during time with her? If he was telling her she was overwhelming them and they just need time to be bored and find their own fun would you expect her to pay any attention to that?

NotMeekNotObedient · 11/04/2023 13:43

I'd just leave it. You've put the block on. Pack some activities/books in his bag so he is not bored without it.

Maybe ask DS if there are any activities they want to do...if there is anything like that near their Dad perhaps you/they can suggest it 'DS has been really wanting to go trampolining, there's a place near you, wondered if you fancied taking im, I know it would be a special day out out for him'. Depends if your ex would think you're being controlling with even the mearest suggestion.

Maybe DS could create a bucket list. You could share it with ex and ask if there is any he'd like to tick off with DS on his weekends.

Theunamedcat · 11/04/2023 13:49

I bow out if I were you but I refused to send devises to my exes house as he kept breaking them "accidentally" and wouldn't replace them he cut his contact down when the children actually wanted to do things other than sit around getting bored so it sorts itself out

SchoolTripDrama · 11/04/2023 13:59

@guildingthelily You can set a time limit on his TikTok with a PIN code required to continue watching it

SchoolTripDrama · 11/04/2023 14:00

@Daisydu Most of the day on her phone? Bloody hell that's appalling at any age but at 13??????? 😲😲😲😲😲

W0tnow · 11/04/2023 14:01

My children are my business regardless of who they’re with and I’d be setting screen time to the best of my abilities so that my kids would know which one of us gave a shit. 🤷‍♀️

Creepyrosemary · 11/04/2023 14:02

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 09:37

You're right Philipa. Sadly. It's just not healthy for the kids.

Realistically how unhealthy is it if it's just twice a month. Probably not.

Reugny · 11/04/2023 15:22

W0tnow · 11/04/2023 14:01

My children are my business regardless of who they’re with and I’d be setting screen time to the best of my abilities so that my kids would know which one of us gave a shit. 🤷‍♀️

When you split up with their other parent and they are under that parent's sole care then that parenting decision is taken away from you.

The best you can hope for is that they get so bored with being with a parent who isn't interested in doing anything with them so they decide when they are physically big enough/emotionally mature enough not to bother seeing that parent for more than a couple of hours at a time.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 15:27

Reugny · 11/04/2023 15:22

When you split up with their other parent and they are under that parent's sole care then that parenting decision is taken away from you.

The best you can hope for is that they get so bored with being with a parent who isn't interested in doing anything with them so they decide when they are physically big enough/emotionally mature enough not to bother seeing that parent for more than a couple of hours at a time.

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It clearly isn't though, unles he wants to buy them new phones and set them up. She has the control still as it is,

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 11/04/2023 15:34

This is so sad as they've gone round to get quality time with their DF and instead are allowed to just stay on their phones constantly.

Does ExDH/DP have any idea what to do with 11 and 12 yos? Did you plan the family activities when together? Maybe message some suggestions like, "I'll drop the DCs off at 9am and I noticed the leisure centre has discounted swimming today. Do you want me to pack their trunks or anything for activities you'll do with them?"

You shouldn't have to do this of course but it might be a prompt in the right direction and over time perhaps your ex will realise it's more fun to plan an activity and will take it upon himself? (I could be too optimistic 🤣)

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 16:06

Aerosarethebest · 11/04/2023 13:16

Don’t bother talking to your ex about it. Do talk to your son about it and discuss things he could do other than screentime at his dad’s place. Send him off with a book to read and his school homework to do. Does he want to move any toys over? Things like lego or meccano that might still hold his interest. Or board games he owns that he’d like to try with dad and sister?

This is a great idea. I'll send some toys and board games over. I have chatted to my son and sent him away with a book and some homework but I think they've been ignored in favour of his phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 16:08

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 11/04/2023 15:34

This is so sad as they've gone round to get quality time with their DF and instead are allowed to just stay on their phones constantly.

Does ExDH/DP have any idea what to do with 11 and 12 yos? Did you plan the family activities when together? Maybe message some suggestions like, "I'll drop the DCs off at 9am and I noticed the leisure centre has discounted swimming today. Do you want me to pack their trunks or anything for activities you'll do with them?"

You shouldn't have to do this of course but it might be a prompt in the right direction and over time perhaps your ex will realise it's more fun to plan an activity and will take it upon himself? (I could be too optimistic 🤣)

Another great idea. One of ex DH'S many faults was the fact that he was extremely passive in any decision making. He wasn't always but changed over the years.

I'll give him some ideas next time. Thank you!

OP posts:

Blort · 11/04/2023 16:10

Probably healthier for them to be on their phones than spend time with their Dad he sounds vile!

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/04/2023 16:13

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 16:06

This is a great idea. I'll send some toys and board games over. I have chatted to my son and sent him away with a book and some homework but I think they've been ignored in favour of his phone.

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I've done this and my DC's response was 'i probably won't read it as i will be on ps5/tablet all the time'. If they come back in 10 years time and say 'i should have done better at school' I will remind them it wasn't for the want of trying on my behalf.

Original poster

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 16:13

NotMeekNotObedient · 11/04/2023 13:43

I'd just leave it. You've put the block on. Pack some activities/books in his bag so he is not bored without it.

Maybe ask DS if there are any activities they want to do...if there is anything like that near their Dad perhaps you/they can suggest it 'DS has been really wanting to go trampolining, there's a place near you, wondered if you fancied taking im, I know it would be a special day out out for him'. Depends if your ex would think you're being controlling with even the mearest suggestion.

Maybe DS could create a bucket list. You could share it with ex and ask if there is any he'd like to tick off with DS on his weekends.

I like your idea of creating a list with my kids. That way it's their ideas, not mine 😅 so might be better received. My ex loves to use the 'controlling' word just to hide his own laziness and passivity. I don't rise it to though. Just deflect it right back at him 🤺

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2023 16:27

Set the screen time limits, but don’t talk to him. Just tell the kids.

I would have a conversation with them about what is a reasonable amount of time and be willing to grant a bit more than you might for your house just because you know they aren’t in the best situation. 13 hours is excessive, but if 3 or 4 makes them more comfortable than 2, a little compromise might be appropriate. I’ll admit I’m going at this from the perspective of a mom who used to really limit screen time and had to agree to change my ways when I ended up with an ASD child who needed the mental calming it can bring, so I am thinking about kids dealing with a difficult father and that they might need a bit of escapism.

lljkk · 11/04/2023 21:21

guildingthelily · 11/04/2023 12:37

Well I can see by the Google stats it's more like 2 hours when they're with me. I make sure they get out and about and do other activities with them indoors. Board games, drawing, cooking, homework, piano practice, table tennis reading etc.

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That must take a lot of your time. What is your XH doing when the lads are on their phones (presuming it's not something quasi productive like PGo or making clever videos, not something interactive like shared games he plays with them). Is your X just watching TV or is he having to work, DIY, cook, etc. ?

Reugny · 11/04/2023 22:52

lljkk · 11/04/2023 21:21

That must take a lot of your time. What is your XH doing when the lads are on their phones (presuming it's not something quasi productive like PGo or making clever videos, not something interactive like shared games he plays with them). Is your X just watching TV or is he having to work, DIY, cook, etc. ?

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The OP and her ex are no longer in a relationship.

She can discuss with her children things they can do not to spend lots of time on their screens but it is none of her business what her ex gets up to.

In fact if she tries to influence her ex she could get accused of coercive control.

Reugny · 11/04/2023 22:54

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 15:27

It clearly isn't though, unles he wants to buy them new phones and set them up. She has the control still as it is,

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Problem is he may just do that and he may let them watch stuff that is completely inappropriate as he clearly can't be bothered to parent his kids.

You don't need to use your imagination to think what he may allow them to watch.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/04/2023 23:45

Reugny · 11/04/2023 22:52

The OP and her ex are no longer in a relationship.

She can discuss with her children things they can do not to spend lots of time on their screens but it is none of her business what her ex gets up to.

In fact if she tries to influence her ex she could get accused of coercive control.

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I think you need to check out the meaning of coercive control. I'm not sure how appealing to the ex about the documented issues surrounding long-term social media use in children could ever be misconstrued as coercive control.

CheekyHobson · 12/04/2023 06:10

I like your idea of creating a list with my kids. That way it's their ideas, not mine 😅 so might be better received. My ex loves to use the 'controlling' word just to hide his own laziness and passivity.

I can verify that making indirect suggestions helps, as does banging on a bit about the amazing fun you had doing this, that or the other. That can make them feel like they need to step their game up so that they're not the 'boring parent'.

But also: it's two days a fortnight. If the kids are doing active, wholesome, educational, balanced stuff with you the rest of the time, this is a minority feature of their lives and it's not going to ruin them. As they get older, they will look back and see it for what it is.

Isthisexpected · 12/04/2023 06:22

In fact if she tries to influence her ex she could get accused of coercive control.

^ trying to parent your children in this way isn't CC by any stretch.

I don't understand why they've got access to apps like this at all at this age. It's all a slippery slope.