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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex moved 250 miles away with our child

29 replies

Dad6 · 05/04/2023 13:41

Ex and I separated a couple of months ago and we have been staying with family about 45 mins apart (both from different suburbs of same city, we were renting before this). Ex has now moved 250 miles away with our son (who turns 2 in June) to live near her Mum who moved away a few years ago. Ex says needs the support, I get that, but just seems a bit unreasonable to move a child 250 miles away from their Dad, particularly as we both have support of other family members and friends within 45 mins of each other, which would obviously be a lot easier to manage. What am I supposed to do now? I have job / family (inc elderly parents who I support) and friends where I am now, but son takes priority and I suspect I will have to move away from all that to maintain relationship with son growing up. I’ve been a devoted Dad since he was born, so I’m not going to change that…I suppose just wanted to have a moan at the unfairness of it all…not just for me though, I don’t think it’s particularly fair on our son though either tbh

OP posts:
Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:44

Does your Ex need to work full-time and needs help with childcare? How would she manage otherwise? Does she need emotional support as a result of your break up? What happened to cause the marriage to breakdown so soon after your first child’s birth?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/04/2023 13:46

Try and get some advice from a solicitor.
How much childcare have you been doing up until now?

Wedoronron · 05/04/2023 13:46

That sounds incredibly tough. I really feel for you. It's hard to know what to do but if me I would be tempted to relocate sooner rather than later if possible (especially before you met someone else local to where you are now and then it becomes much harder.) Just make sure the move is permanent before you move.
It must be tempting to be angry at your ex. I would be, but if you can try and not let that affect your relationship as keeping on good terms is so important for your child.

Mindymomo · 05/04/2023 13:52

A friend of mine ex wife remarried and the whole family including 2 children moved to Australia. He gave it a few months and decided to also relocate as he couldn’t live without seeing his children, he left his elderly parents in the uk, it was a choice he didn’t take lightly. I am sorry for your situation.

LemonTT · 05/04/2023 13:56

You can apply for a prohibited steps order. Speak to a solicitor.

A child needs to be near his parents. Adults don’t need to be near their parents having committed to having a child and putting down roots elsewhere.

Aaaaandbreathe · 05/04/2023 14:25

From what you've said she has no reason to move that far away other than she wants to be close to her Mum.

Do you split the childcare equally? If not I would work out a way to do that.

Does she not have any friends or family for emotional support near where you/she was and that's the reason?

Personally I think she's being very selfish, ut would be a different story if you moved 250 miles away with your son.

Make sure you are fairly splitting your responsibility, try to work with her for a solution and failing that speak to a solicitor. Any move away from a parent has to be in the best interests of the child.

Original poster
Dad6 · 05/04/2023 14:43

Thanks for all the replies, appreciate everyone's views.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction @LemonTT @SuperLoudPoppingAction I have an appointment with solicitor arranged. just reluctant to end up in court due to the conflict & costs. If our son was older it might be more straightforward (eg if at school etc), but being so young, my worry is any outcome would just favour my ex and I don't know if it's easier to just accept it and move forward, or challenge it. In a way, posting here was to try and see things from different perspectives and help figure out what to do. I obviously think it's unreasonable and selfish, but that's just my perspective. She has other family / friends / job near where we were living, but says only her Mum can provide support. We had both been working part time / compressed hours and sharing daycare more or less equally, nights were with ex as still breastfeeding at night. She told me she was moving last week and just went, says I have to visit them if I want to see my son. So yeah, I agree solicitor advice is now very urgent/important.

OP posts:
amylou8 · 05/04/2023 15:17

You definitely need legal advice. She clearly knew you wouldn't agree to this, which is why she told you too late for you to do anything about it.

MumboNumba5 · 05/04/2023 15:19

Stick to getting legal advice from your solicitor it doesn't mean you definitely will end up in court it could be a letter stating the law in this case sufficient for her to reconsider.
Unless there is abuse I find it so cruel to move so far away like this.

Crunchingleaf · 05/04/2023 17:38

Do you know reason why she moved away? There could be financial, health, housing reasons why she would.
I met my Ex in a different city to where we were from. Cost of living was getting too much in that city and it came to a point where I told my ex I was moving back to home area to allow me to give DC a more stable life. I was renting and rents were skyrocketing and supply was low. Ex moved too. Maybe try talking to your Ex first. She might have a good reason and you guys need to stay on good terms for a long time so yes speak to a solicitor but in meantime speak to your Ex.

usererror99 · 05/04/2023 19:22

Why would you think "other family members and friends" can offer her the support??? It's not for you to make that judgement. For most daughters their closest family member who they turn to for childcare and emotional and physical support is their mum

Of course you can take her to court but from what I'm led to believe it's more difficult once she's already moved

And to be honest it can come across as rather controlling and why would you want your son growing up with an unhappy mother because she's prevented from living where she wants with the support she feels she needs? (Assuming she's not the sort to be deliberately vindictive and that being the presiding reason for her move)

MMMarmite · 05/04/2023 19:32

usererror99 · 05/04/2023 19:22

Why would you think "other family members and friends" can offer her the support??? It's not for you to make that judgement. For most daughters their closest family member who they turn to for childcare and emotional and physical support is their mum

Of course you can take her to court but from what I'm led to believe it's more difficult once she's already moved

And to be honest it can come across as rather controlling and why would you want your son growing up with an unhappy mother because she's prevented from living where she wants with the support she feels she needs? (Assuming she's not the sort to be deliberately vindictive and that being the presiding reason for her move)

The mother is the one being controlling and selfish here. She has moved a toddler 250 miles away from his highly involved father.

SybilWrites · 05/04/2023 19:39

usererror99 · 05/04/2023 19:22

Why would you think "other family members and friends" can offer her the support??? It's not for you to make that judgement. For most daughters their closest family member who they turn to for childcare and emotional and physical support is their mum

Of course you can take her to court but from what I'm led to believe it's more difficult once she's already moved

And to be honest it can come across as rather controlling and why would you want your son growing up with an unhappy mother because she's prevented from living where she wants with the support she feels she needs? (Assuming she's not the sort to be deliberately vindictive and that being the presiding reason for her move)

He doesn't come across as controlling!

OP you need to get legal advice definitely. It isn't reasonable for a parent to move a child away from the other parent without valid reasons. Wanting to be close to your mum isn't a valid reason. Of course it may be too expensive for her to stay in your city, or there may not be work or whatever, but being close to your mum isn't a good enough reason on its own.

VivaVivaa · 05/04/2023 19:42

Terrible behaviour from your ex. Absolutely seek legal advice, don’t be passive in this.

mellicauli · 05/04/2023 19:44

I know you don't want to end up in court. But this is worth fighting for. He's your child too and he needs you.

VivaVivaa · 05/04/2023 19:50

usererror99 · 05/04/2023 19:22

Why would you think "other family members and friends" can offer her the support??? It's not for you to make that judgement. For most daughters their closest family member who they turn to for childcare and emotional and physical support is their mum

Of course you can take her to court but from what I'm led to believe it's more difficult once she's already moved

And to be honest it can come across as rather controlling and why would you want your son growing up with an unhappy mother because she's prevented from living where she wants with the support she feels she needs? (Assuming she's not the sort to be deliberately vindictive and that being the presiding reason for her move)

Why on earth should the mother’s wants trump the right of the father (who has been a 50:50 parent up until now) to have a proper relationship with his child?

Cantstaystuckforever · 05/04/2023 20:06

mellicauli · 05/04/2023 19:44

I know you don't want to end up in court. But this is worth fighting for. He's your child too and he needs you.

This. It's not even about the rights of a father (or a mother), it's about a young child's right to have a close relationship with both parents, and the mother taking away that right.

There is also a lot of evidence to support better outcomes for children with involved fathers. If the OP is a dedicated and caring father as he said, if the mum is truly focussed on the child's best interests she'll either stay close by or if funds or other issues don't permit that, find an acceptable compromise.

That is unlikely to be moving 6 hours drive away.

Skyeheather · 05/04/2023 20:07

Why did you break up? Did she move that far away to get away from you?

thedogsmum · 05/04/2023 20:12

Ending up in court isn't the worst outcome, it can be the only way to resolve custody and access issues.

Lapland123 · 05/04/2023 20:18

Urgent legal advice

of course she shouldn’t have done this- it’s outrageous

I know some friends who couldn’t do similar - a move towards the mum’s family- as that would prevent the children’s father from being part of their day to day lives

She should not have done this and you are within your rights to go fetch your child back

Shanksponyorbust · 05/04/2023 20:18

You’re not 50/50 because she’s doing all the nights. As your son is entirely breast fed then it’s understandable she wants support and for her that’s her mum. You do need to talk to a family law solicitor who can advise you much better than this forum can.

VivaVivaa · 05/04/2023 20:24

Shanksponyorbust · 05/04/2023 20:18

You’re not 50/50 because she’s doing all the nights. As your son is entirely breast fed then it’s understandable she wants support and for her that’s her mum. You do need to talk to a family law solicitor who can advise you much better than this forum can.

I hope a 2 year old isn’t entirely breast fed.

Goldbar · 05/04/2023 20:25

Would you be willing to be primary carer if a court ordered a transfer of residence of your son to you?

What is/was your and your ex's housing situation? You say in your OP that you were both 'staying with family' which doesn't sound very permanent. Could she argue that she had no choice but to move due to being unable to rent/buy a suitable property locally?

MaggieThatchersFridge · 05/04/2023 20:26

Appalling behaviour from your ex, I’m sorry.

You must get legal advice.

Mariposista · 05/04/2023 20:50

Definitely seek legal advice. Take her to court if needs be. Unless there is a massive back story, she can’t call all the shots.

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