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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Report this? To who?

29 replies

mynamechangemyrules · 03/04/2023 16:49

ExH is 'erratic' in taking up his access. Will drop children back if they are not 'respectful' or do not comply with his instructions etc. plenty of previous on this.

I packed them up to go with him on Sat pm for a week- tonnes of packing too as he wants all sorts and doesn't keep any of their stuff at his)

Sun mid afternoon eldest DC sends message saying he's being 'kicked out' ExH confirms this but no more is forthcoming from either. I messaged both to say I was out 4.30-7pm so let me know any changes of plan before that. (At a massage!!! The guilt...)

Get home at 7 and DCs are in the back garden.
Been there 1.5hrs.
Apparently they'd pointed out to ExH I wouldn't be there till 7 and he said he 'didn't care' (according to DCs)
Ages are 6-12.
Have an email sent while I was at massage where he states 'if no one is there they will have to wait outside for someone to open the door' (ie threatening me to come home as I usually would from wherever I was... but I was being massaged 😳😳😳😳)

Anyway- this is reportable shit isn't it??? Whenever it's been 'just' dropped to me- usually in the street somewhere if I am out or otherwise I leg it home to get whichever child has been rejected I am more preoccupied by consoling the children than reporting him (but I save screenshots and details). This time I feel I need to DO something.

Allegedly he was parked in the street somewhere until the eldest messaged to say they were inside but I did not see him as I came through the back garden.

Anyway. Report? And to who?

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/04/2023 16:59

For leaving a 6 year old alone in your back garden I’d report to social services.

HerRoyalStressHead · 03/04/2023 17:03

Social services for definite.

Fuelledbycaffeine89 · 03/04/2023 17:04

OP what do your kids say? Do they still want to see their Dad. I’m not sure I get let mine go if their Dad was such a tool! i would also consider this a safeguarding issue so as possible said I’d contact social services and take their advice on board.

Pallisers · 03/04/2023 17:20

He left a six year old in the care of a 12 year old outside with no adult supervision and no idea of when a responsible adult would show up? he should be arrested. If the six year old repeated this at school, what do you think would happen?

I wouldn't let them go anymore. What he is doing is abusive. very abusive

ChocAuVin · 03/04/2023 17:22

Social services OP.

Well done getting a massage BTW — sounds like you need it with that type of douche canoe ex Flowers

RedHelenB · 03/04/2023 17:26

Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/04/2023 16:59

For leaving a 6 year old alone in your back garden I’d report to social services.

They had a 12 year old with them. Don't they gave a key?

G58 · 03/04/2023 17:31

Social services. What he did was unsafe and it was also abusive to you. My wife had an ex who did the exact same thing to her.

Make sure you record all the details of this and also the previous times when he's kicked them out early. That is damaging to the kid's mental health and a court would use it in evidence that they are better off not seeing him at all.

PatsyJStone · 03/04/2023 17:31

I would say that parenting includes the tough times and he can't continue returning either or both children like this. If he did it again I would say go to court for access, and when you get it you have to look after your children all the allocated contact you get. No early returns. And tell him this is the last time anything like this happens and you will 100% report him to social services where he runs the risk of losing future contact.

Namechange224422 · 03/04/2023 17:39

It is really shitty parenting of a 12 year old but not actively dangerous if he knew that you would be home at 7. It is a huge safeguarding issue for the 6 year old.

I would ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead at the 6 year olds school for advice and help to think through next steps.

Its worth bearing in mind that social services would expect to see evidence of you keeping your kids safe if they investigate. So I think that you need to either stop access or offer access in a safe place whilst you wait (eg he sees them at a trampoline park whilst you sit in the cafe) or supervised by a sensible adult (eg he sees them at his sisters with her present if you are confident that she can keep them safe)

Jas683 · 03/04/2023 17:44

Being polite but what an utter irresponsible plonker.

Whilst it might be legally ok to leave a 6 year old with a 12 year old, not sure if he can legitimately do that, it's really unfair on you and the children. In my opinion it's not the responsibility of the older child to be ensuring the safety of the sibling.

He doesn't deserve the children if he reacts like this. I try not to post on here with my thoughts on things as such but ....., you and the children deserve better and they will soon dislike him and not want to visit. Keep being a good parent and they will draw their own conclusions as they grew into their adult life.

Good luck 🤞

PotterofGryfindor · 03/04/2023 17:46

Report to social services but be aware he may then not be able to have them. It would be better (for everyone concerned) if you can make him understand why this behaviour is not acceptable. Only you know whether this situation is salvageable. You need to be aware though, that if you report you may then become a single parent with 24/7 responsibility for them and they will also have to deal with not having a relationship with they Dad.

Sicario · 03/04/2023 17:50

Report to social services and stop contact.
Let him take you to court for access.
What a shitty way to treat your kids.
He's clearly totally incapable of parenting.

Netcam · 03/04/2023 17:54

Do you have a child arrangements order? Is maintenance based on the number of nights they are supposed to stay with him?
I would apply to the court for an order which clearly dictates when the children should be spending time at each parent's house.
I would say in the court application, if he wants to have them to visit, he needs to keep them for the days specified in the order as you have to plan your life around that.
If he doesn't feel able to look after them much, he needs to say so and that needs to be reflected in the court order.
The Coram Family child legal advice helpline are really good, you can get 30 minutes free legal phone advice. Use them once to go over key points to write your application to the court. Then use them again to read your statement to the court and get feedback. It can take time to get through, but it is worth pursuing. I found around 3.30/4pm was a good time to get through to them.

Daffodilwoman · 03/04/2023 18:07

I wouldn’t let them go again.
Parenting is hard work and guess what? As their father he has to do the hard work whilst they are in his care.
I’d also block his number and tell him from now on he can communicate only via email.
He does not love his kids. Don’t sugar coat this. The 12 year old us old enough to be told that this is unnaceptable. That parents should never do this. If you don’t put a stop to this right now your children will think this is normal behaviour and will grow up repeating this pattern. Do you want your son to grow up and be a complete twat? To think that parenting only applies to women? Or your daughter to grow up with such low standards that she will accept being treated like a piece of dog shit because that is what us happening here.

Original poster
mynamechangemyrules · 03/04/2023 20:43

Thank you all for your messages. It's so helpful to know where to report. I tried CAB and they gave a call back and said I should go to mediation with him but he walks all over mediators from previous experience.
We are both British but marriage and divorce overseas and so I'm not sure of the terminology here or whether I can apply stuff over here.
I have them 95% of the time minimum, realistically I always have one child as they never all stay.
They hate going. Their behaviour deteriorates in the lead up and follow on from visits.
He threatens court every time (he did yesterday for their bad behaviour meaning I'm unfit) but I would like to say bring.it.on.

I just cannot afford legal help currently so will try the Coram line and work from there.

Will also report to all the children's safeguarding leads.

OP posts:
Original poster
mynamechangemyrules · 03/04/2023 20:53

@RedHelenB

They had a 12 year old with them. Don't they gave a key?*
*
DC did not have a key as forgot it. ExH knew this.

OP posts:
Igmum · 04/04/2023 06:01

Another vote for knob here.

Yes, report to social services. They will probably suggest you stop access. Let him take you to court. And document document document. Screenshots, dates, times, everything.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
mynamechangemyrules · 04/04/2023 08:08

I am trying to document everything. It's another full time job.

This morning I just reiterated with my DC that it isn't right to be left outside for so long. DC was insistent that ExH was parked somewhere in the road outside, so it's 'fine'.
I've also read the Coram info and the CAB info and am now slightly panicked at how formal it could all be. They say about the complaint being followed up with home visits etc etc and I feel unsure if I'm ready to bring this on myself (**we are moving house this week into what can euphemistically be called a 'doer upper' aka the cheapest place I could find - I was supposed to be doing it all quietly and easily without the kids around and prepping their rooms but likely the whole thing will be a mess for some time 🤪 will I be judged on this for example?)
Makes me feel sick about dealing with him but also I don't want my weakness to penalise the children. I left to break the cycle but he's just upped the control anyway.

OP posts:
Netcam · 04/04/2023 08:42

Personally I would go through family court rather than social services directly. If you go through the court you will be allocated a CAFCASS officer who will interview everyone and make a report to the court with a recommendation about how to deal with the situation. I strongly advice requesting a child arrangements order which dictates when he is responsible for them and ensures you have a little free time. If he wants to see them, the times should be prearranged so you and the children know what they are doing. If the CAFCASS officer is concerned about his behaviour they will make a recommendation to the court accordingly. You can apply for an emergency order if something has happened at the last contact and you are concerned it will happen again. Please message me if you want some advice, I have been through all of this myself, slightly different circumstances, but lots of similarities.

Netcam · 04/04/2023 08:44

Actually, realised you can't seem to message on here, sorry, quite new to MN. But I have been through all of this so might be able to help a bit.

Netcam · 04/04/2023 08:51

Here's a bit of info, you need to complete a C100, Coral Family helpline will advise. I had to do one because my ex kept getting really drunk when the kids were with him and I had to keep going to collect them. The CAFCASS officer came to our house and interviewed me and the kids, she was really professional. I think you will achieve more with this in the long term than through social services.
www.directmediationservices.co.uk/family-court-urgent-applications-uk/

Netcam · 04/04/2023 08:58

The fact that you were married and divorced abroad is not relevant. The child arrangements order can still be applied for if you were never married, it relates to the care of the children.

easterbunnysbum · 04/04/2023 09:19

Start keeping this stuff in a separate diary with times you found out, what happened, when and who it was reported to.

You could need this later for court and court like exact dates and times laid out for them. Having them in all in one book to go through a timeline, colour coded would be best - will save you lots of time and possibly money, later on.

easterbunnysbum · 04/04/2023 09:22

Netcam · 04/04/2023 08:51

Here's a bit of info, you need to complete a C100, Coral Family helpline will advise. I had to do one because my ex kept getting really drunk when the kids were with him and I had to keep going to collect them. The CAFCASS officer came to our house and interviewed me and the kids, she was really professional. I think you will achieve more with this in the long term than through social services.
www.directmediationservices.co.uk/family-court-urgent-applications-uk/

To apply for what exactly?

C100 costs £232 and is easy to fill in, no solicitor required just FYI.

is there a court order in place? If not apply for lives with?

You could stop contact and wait for him to file the C100, but this alone would probably not be a good enough reason, but SS could tell you to do just that.

If there is a court order in place, this would be an application for a variation? You just need to know what you are applying for.

Personally I would be keeping a log with a view to stopping contact on safeguarding concerns if this turned into a pattern.

Eggseggseverywhere · 04/04/2023 09:25

Ime ss won't care. My exh left 3 primary school age dc home alone every Saturday night when he was at the pub.... They weren't interested.

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