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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Pregnant & husband has another woman

44 replies

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 02:03

I came here a few weeks ago to start a thread as I was woken up by an overly emotional husband who told me after almost 10 years together, he wants a divorce. We have a dd 3 and a ds whom I'm 5 months pregnant with. He insisted that there wasn't anyone else.

A few days later he explained he was just emotionally exhausted, and asked me to come back home, he wants to work things out. He had been behaving strangely when I came back, as if he didn't really want me back but I just thought, he's hurt and maybe embarrassed.

Fast forward to tonight he's spent the whole day away and came home late, and spoke to me in a very dismissive manner. Then like a light, switched and began just talking as we usually do. He then went on to talk about our marriage and how we should talk and then a few sentences later told me he's seeing another woman.

I'm not shocked because, women's intuition. But my God am I devastated.

I literally have no idea what next steps should be. He's asleep next to me and I don't know how I'm going to do this. We can't afford to live separately especially with my upcoming maternity leave.

I need help! Do I need a lawyer now?? I cannot believe this is happening to me.

OP posts:

Pbubz · 02/04/2023 02:08

I didn't want to read and run, I don't have any advice apart from speak to a lawyer as soon as you can, you will get through this and by the time you are, he will probably be over this stupid crisis and realised what a cock up he's made! Do you have a support network, any friends or family that you can lean on?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, solidarity and hugs through my phone x

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 02:12

@Pbubz thank you so much. I'm messaging on here because as soon as I mention anything to my family, they will escalate the situation which of course I don't want. As much as I could scream right now, I know I need to keep it together for the sake of my children.

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Pbubz · 02/04/2023 02:27

@Beauty4Ashes I honestly can't imagine what you're going through and how utterly selfish of your partner. 0808 802 2088 is a number my sister used before before she could actually involve people in her life when she was going through a nasty time with.

It's not a crisis line, it's just more of a free help line especially for family/relationship issues and she found it helpful to cry down the phone to a total stranger while she got her ducks in a row.

As it's him who's made this crappy choice, can you ask him to leave or atleast sleep in another room? I agree with you about staying strong for the kids but he has basically pressed the nuclear button by saying what he has,time to put yourself first and you can do that while protecting your kids x

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2023 02:34

Where were you staying while you were out of your home?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 02:39

Kick his cheating arse out the door. He can go stay with his new girlfriend.

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 02:46

I stayed with my mom, but it caused a lot of distress for my daughter as we had to share a room and we both didn't sleep well. Also, I'll be damned if I'm the one leaving the house again.

His justification is his unhappiness for 10 years and that he has made all the compromises and I very little. I have known how he's truly feeling for the first time a few weeks ago. So obviously he's emotionally processed where he's at and given me '0' grace and understanding to get up to speed.

He insists it hasn't been a physical affair and as a result doesn't see it as infidelity.

I literally cannot see how financially I can get him out. His girlfriend lives a couple hours away and I'm not wanting it to be easy for him to not take up his parenting responsibilities.

OP posts:

DivorcingEU · 02/04/2023 02:47

My goodness he's an utter, utter arsehole.

You need to see a lawyer, yes, just to know exactly what your rights and the possibilities are. Do it ASAP, but don't let him know you're even thinking about it. He's been thinking about ending it for a while so has had time to plan. You're at the disadvantage here which is why you a) need clear expert advice (no grey areas, no wondering) and b) to not give him any more of a head start.

I'm afraid you should probably also have STI tests.

Do you have a sofa? If so that's where he should be sleeping.

I'd want to kick him out straight away, but I think if you can stall on that while getting legal advice, you'll be doing yourself a favour in the long run. But if you can't cope with him being home, so that increases your stress, kick him out.

Focus SOLELY on what's going to maximise your stability and happiness. Don't for a second worry about him, look at it "from the other side", or wonder if you're being "too harsh" or unkind. You're not. And also don't waste your time wondering if you should have spotted the signs earlier or something: you're in a marriage, you're not supposed to spend your time wondering if there may be signs your husband is cheating!

I'm sorry this is happening. He's a absolute prick.

DivorcingEU · 02/04/2023 02:50

How is she his girlfriend and why did he even mention her if there's been nothing physical? He met her online? If there's any chance it's been physical you need the STI tests. If you're certain he's telling the truth about that then it's one thing less.

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 03:00

Thank you for this, this is what I need to hear - stop considering his feelings and circumstance. He genuinely feels like he's being a stand up guy by telling me he's a 'transparent' person.

I've had STI checks recently due to being pregnant but definitely going to ask for a full screen at my next blood test. I didn't even think about this.

I'm a religious person and today I just prayed for everything that's in the dark to come to light and he comes home and tells me this. Says he's doing it because I'm good person and what I deserve blah blah blah.

He said he has no more in common with this woman than with me, which is bizarre. It's clear he's been speaking to her a while and she's put things in his head, apparently she knows about me and his children because you know he's such an honest guy.

He told me the last two weeks I've been a perfect wife. I honestly don't know if he's sick in his head. His family live in the US so he can't go there.

My heart feels like it's going to burst through my chest.

OP posts:

Didjesuspoop · 02/04/2023 03:31

@Beauty4Ashes do you mind if I private message you? I’ve been through exactly the same so can offer some support from that perspective. I’m so sorry you are going through this x

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 04:11

@Didjesuspoop yes of course you can, is there something I need to do to allow this? And so sorry you've been through this too x

OP posts:

April1990 · 02/04/2023 04:54

@Didjesuspoop @Beauty4Ashes I'm not sure how to private message but currently going through the same thing myself, although a little further on (8 months post separation and 8 months pregnant!)

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 05:20

April1990 · 02/04/2023 04:54

@Didjesuspoop @Beauty4Ashes I'm not sure how to private message but currently going through the same thing myself, although a little further on (8 months post separation and 8 months pregnant!)

Just pm'd April

OP posts:

Mumma · 02/04/2023 05:27

Didnt want to read and run. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hes a prick and his girlfriend is clearly a bitch if she knows you are pregnant! Who does that!!!!!
Wishing you all the strength in the world xxx

Hatscats · 02/04/2023 05:31

Wow he must be a dickhead - makes a pregnant woman and child leave their home and he stays in the house?! Poor kids need stability - kick him out and change the locks!

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 06:13

I genuinely think he has given her this "woe is me" story, he keeps dropping things like his wellbeing and mentally as if he's been held captive for this time. Genuinely had no Idea he felt this way.

He said the woman he's seeing would talk to me if I'm able to??? I honestly just feel like if this is who I married then I definitely need to get out.

OP posts:

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 06:43

He's asked you to talk to her? Is he insane?

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 06:45

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 06:43

He's asked you to talk to her? Is he insane?

I think he is very very delusional. Like he feels there's an award for most considerate cheating.

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WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 02/04/2023 06:56

What a selfish arsehole.

If at all possible I'd try get some evidence of her from his phone, or laptop so that he can't deny the infidelity aspect but I appreciate it may be too late for that and you may also just be too bloody tired to be arsed to.

Legal advice as people say...
Get all financial paperwork copied if needed.
Don't give him an inkling of what your plans are and what you may be seeking from him
Don't leave the family house if possible, he should do this unless it would be unsafe for you

crew2022 · 02/04/2023 07:36

Yes agree with others. Don't give your next move away until you have copies of all financial documents, you have your passports etc. store them with family or friends. Get legal advice. Save any outrageous texts or confessions.
Continue to be shocked and don't let on you are taking control.
Then kick him out. Don't take him back. You can do this and it will be worth it in the end.

Helpmethanks · 02/04/2023 07:42

Been in a similar position though didn’t find out about the OW till after the birth

Act quickly while he is still feeling guilty to get the best financial settlement and before OW can get pregnant because the more kids he has the more he gets in the financial separation

Pregancy is a really frequent time for men to have affairs

Sairk · 02/04/2023 07:57

Let him go to her OP. The trash is taking itself out. It will be an intense few years for you but you're honestly better off without him in your or your kids lives. Go see a solicitor asap. You may at least get to stay in the house a bit longer and then you can start afresh with your two lovely kids. He's cunt.

poochiemaloochie · 02/04/2023 08:28

Gosh they are predictable aren't they? Mine did the same when i had a newborn and told me he had been told he was BRAVE for having the guts to leave??? What a hero. As earlier poster said capitilise on him at this point to get the best deal for you as they turn later on and remember he is not your friend anymore Am so sorry you are in this position but you will be stronger than you think possible when it comes to being there for your kids and you sound like a brilliant mum. You will get through this and come out the other side happy i promise xx

Didjesuspoop · 02/04/2023 08:35

@Beauty4Ashes figured out how to PM you! :)

Original poster

Beauty4Ashes · 02/04/2023 08:49

I haven't had a wink of sleep, but have got some things together including copies of bank statements and payslips.

This is going to be the hardest time of my life but you amazing people have made me feel heard and empowered. I am going to do my best to be civil, I have to face him and the reality of the situation.

Can't believe this is real.

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