Pregnant & husband has another woman

[Beauty4Ashes]

I came here a few weeks ago to start a thread as I was woken up by an overly emotional husband who told me after almost 10 years together, he wants a divorce. We have a dd 3 and a ds whom I'm 5 months pregnant with. He insisted that there wasn't anyone else.

A few days later he explained he was just emotionally exhausted, and asked me to come back home, he wants to work things out. He had been behaving strangely when I came back, as if he didn't really want me back but I just thought, he's hurt and maybe embarrassed.

Fast forward to tonight he's spent the whole day away and came home late, and spoke to me in a very dismissive manner. Then like a light, switched and began just talking as we usually do. He then went on to talk about our marriage and how we should talk and then a few sentences later told me he's seeing another woman.

I'm not shocked because, women's intuition. But my God am I devastated.

I literally have no idea what next steps should be. He's asleep next to me and I don't know how I'm going to do this. We can't afford to live separately especially with my upcoming maternity leave.

I need help! Do I need a lawyer now?? I cannot believe this is happening to me.

Your husband is a total fucking joke. Who does he think he is?

I feel so stupid. He told me he has been trying for years and if I tell people anything they need to understand the background. Said if I want to be the victim I can. He is definitely in a space where he's met someone and they are glittering gold and I'm just this dumpy shxt who he doesn't seem to have any point of reference of happiness for.

If I said everything then it would just affirm you all saying good riddance.

Why on earth would the oW want to talk to you about?! Insane. I'm furious for you

Tell your family and friends and get a support network.

I guess he's at least making it easy for you to dislike him with his rewriting of history.

I haven't been in your shoes but friends who have swear by www.chumplady.com/ for support with the emotional side of things. Men like your husband all seem to follow a similar trajectory unfortunately

I have no clue, except for him trying to maintain this fake view that he is a good guy and that everything he's said about this woman is kosher? Like him thinking he's done it in the most respectable way.

This is amazing thank you!!

They all rewrite history so that they’re the victim here despite readily having children with you. You will get through this but you’ll need a support network so tell whoever you like and be angry.
Do whatever you can to stay in the house but get him to leave and pay substantially for house / bills / maintenance as you’ll be on mat leave.
You’ll be able to claim universal credit as long as you don’t have a lot in savings - use Entitled to website to check.
You can also claim for nursery costs through UC even on maternity leave - up to 85% as long as you’re no longer claiming the 20% tax rebate. This should give you a break.

Thanks for this, trying to work it out as I'm not on maternity leave yet and don't have the breakdown. But this is so useful. I'm going to ask HR tomorrow if they can provide what my breakdown will be a bit sooner as I will have enhanced mat pay for the first 4/5 months even if it's still significantly less than my salary, it's still more than stat mat pay.

I will share with my mum and sister, but we're at a family party today and I just need to make it through the day. I've told my dad now and he will call me shortly. OH is speaking with his dad now, so I guess reality has started...

I feel so stupid.
You're not though, you're REALLY not.

He told me he has been trying for years and if I tell people anything they need to understand the background.
What background? That he's been feeling like he wants to break up with you for years but didn't, then had an emotional affair and decided the time to put his big boy pants and dump you was when you're pregnant with his child?

He thinks he's in control here (and tbh for now let him think that as it buys you a bit of time), but he does not get to control what you say!

Said if I want to be the victim I can.
WTAF. You know what, there's literally no way this story can be spun in which he's not making you a victim.

BUT THIS:
He said the woman he's seeing would talk to me if I'm able to???
In terms of the shit men come out with when they've been cheating, this is comedy gold. I mean, he's implying he's extending a hand of kindness, by offering you the option to turn this offer down, if it's too much for you right now. So kind of him! Lucky you! And that's aside from the fact that it's utterly preposterous to start with.

Save all these things he's saying. Share them with your friends. Laugh at him, because this man does not deserve any other of your emotions.

I'm not saying your situation is funny, it's not. Your dreams and future plans are shattered, you've been cheated on and you're pregnant. Nothing funny about that. But this guy has so utterly convinced himself that he's a victim, and Mr Kind, here, that he's laughable.

I mean I can imagine the phone call now

"Yeah he's an amazing guy, hes so brave to leave a pregnant women with a young child, y'know Jesus wept"

In all seriousness, handhold for this period, he's a dick and I hope you have all the support you need

You will get through this
I speak from experience

also check out surviving infidelity forum

I'm 4yrs on from splitting with XH and finding out about OW (and 2yrs on from decree absolute). Honestly, I promise you, things will be ok. You won't feel like that now, but you'll be better and life will turn out fine.

Like other PP have said: quietly get together details of finances etc etc. Don't let on you're doing this. Tomorrow, contact a lawyer and make an appointment. At least, get the proper info you need. Again, keep quiet about this. Speak to your family (I hope they're supportive!! Sadly, my wonderful Dad died soon after I split, so had that to deal with, but I had my siblings). Stay polite but grey rock him as much as possible (vent to your family/friends/us!). Remember he's not the guy you thought he was and he isn't on your side.

Oh and FWIW, they all go by a script. And they rewrite history. XH and I were together 10yrs, and yes there were problems (from when he had an RTA and ABI, then developed addictions to alcohol and then drugs, abuse came hand in hand), but I thought that we would be ok if we could sort the addiction issues. I spent years being the breadwinner, putting him through rehab, supporting him, parenting the kids, running the household, etc etc but he managed to rewrite the lot....When he fucked off with OW, she was the bees knees who understood him better than anyone, had golden tits and a sparkly vagina, la-dee-dah, and was the most supportive person towards him. Whereas, I was the one that was controlling, trying to stifle his freedom (i.e. to fuck off and drink/do drugs/go AWOL), I didn't understand him, wasn't supportive etc. Blah blah blah, usual shit. She also used to message me through all this shit, saying that she was "on my side" (NB she was meant to be my friend, we'd been friends for years) - like hell she was.

NB They lasted less than 4 months from the time I found out, and then she came crying to me (I shit you not) about how heartbroken she was about it all...and then magically, he wanted to come back (and still wants to). I told them both what I thought of them and then gave them both short shrift.

PS He was "trying for years" and unhappy for a decade?! Strange then that he said absolutely nothing to you about his feelings, but felt happy enough to have not one, but two children with you. Or is he now going to say that you fucking forced him to, and poor unhappy man felt he had no choice? Funny that they make out we have all this power to stop them living their happy lives. That's another thing I told my XH: If I had all this control and power over him, I would have magicked him to be clean and sober. Weird that I couldn't magic that one up eh?

I've seen this before with 2 close relatives who have been cheated on by their husbands, and the husband then uses the "I've been unhappy for years" card to justify their shitty, selfish behaviour. First off, it's a load of bollocks and not true, they do it to make themselves feel and look better. They also do it to shift the blame to you. Do not let your mind accept this. If someone has been unhappy for that long, they do not continue to have children and if they are really that "unhappy" the answer is to communicate that. Not start another relationship. I'm sure you already know this.

It's manipulative crap and doesn't make him a victim. Just even more of a mean coward. As others have said, do whatever you can to maximize your stability and keep your stress to a minimum. I think the first step is to seek some sort of legal advice about what your rights are and where you stand regarding finances and what youre entitled to.

Fuck this statement He told me the last two weeks I've been a perfect wife.

DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE!

refuse to be manipulated by this cowardly jerkoff of a man. How dare he 'evaluate' your suitability as a wife.

Just to say that I have read every single comment and can't believe I'd ever be on MN getting some of the best advice and support I've had in my life.

Yesterday I had to endure an anniversary party for a family friend and it was hard AF, knowing they're celebrating love and commitment, whilst I'm going through the ultimate betrayal. Anyway, I got through it and put on a brave face, tried to laugh and enjoy myself and not do the whole woe is me.

I still haven't spoken to my friends or family except for my dad. Who is very level headed and is helping so much.

I've also spoken with a solicitor this morning who was very straight edged, I had to explain what my situation was and got a bit emotional and she told me to pull myself together I've only got 20 mins 😂. But she advised we keep talking and keep things amicable, so we don't have to incurr further expense with financial mediation.

So I guess I have to let him know, as much as I just want to serve him papers, I know due to my pregnancy I can't afford for things to get further sour prematurely.

He slept on the sofa without me asking so I actually got some rest last night.

Will update you all as things go, very appreciative of the PMs and advice and general encouragement, I need it and I'm so grateful x

Glad you managed to get some rest last night and talked to a solicitor. Remember to look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

you have taken the first steps and I promise you will get through this.

great to hear your dad is being a big support 😊

sending a handhold OP xx

Hi all, just an update.

My H changed his mind... again. And we've been 'back together' for the last week now.

He has been forthcoming with answering my questions, and has been focused on bettering our relationship.

I'm still (understandably) stuck in the emotional turmoil of what he's done to me and our family. I've since had my first solo counselling session and am working on myself.

I am a religious person and honestly my faith is what has kept me through. I have asked why the sudden change of mind, how can I know he won't just feel like it again, where is this OW and is he still in contact with her etc and whilst he has given me answers which do explain and help me understand his mental state, only time will tell.

Words hold very little value, and I'm not in a position to blindly trust him.

I have trust that God will give the best outcome necessary whatever it is.

I'm thinking about myself and my children just trying to grow a healthy baby in the midst of this, as well as heal myself. If he's there for the journey then so be it, he's also doing some work individually, so maybe we may meet on this path.

I'm not naïve, I have all my options ready if things were to change again. But hoping for the best...

Thank you all x

@Beauty4Ashes really wishing you all the best. Great to hear you're going to individual therapy and hopefully he is too. You sound like you're in a strong place regardless of the turmoil you've been through. I honestly believe if two people are willing to put the effort in and work hard, there's virtually nothing they can't overcome but it takes a concerted effort from both parties. Glad you're doing whats best for you x