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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex is sharing his bed with our daughter and his new girlfriend

27 replies

damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:19

Me (34f) and my ex (45m) have a 9 year old daughter, and he has weekend visitations every other week. She just told me that she has slept in dad's bed with him and his girlfriend this last weekend. He has been dating this woman for 2 months. I am extremely upset, I feel like this is hugely inappropriate. I haven't spoken to him about it yet as I am unsure of what to do.

Daughter is already sharing a bed with dad because he is currently living at his mother's in a section of the house where she also has an older male living as a tenant. Our daughter has a bedroom there but feels afraid in her room and wants to stay with dad. I am already uncomfortable with this situation but adding this new woman into their bed is too far. I am losing my mind here.

What should I do? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
FruHagen · 10/03/2023 21:39

Sounds absolutely awful for you and her.

You need to talk to him about how this crosses your daughters boundaries and it is not ok to expect her to share a bed with a grown woman.

Talk to your daughter too about saying no herself. "No, I don't want to share a bed with an adult woman."

I think it's hugely inappropriate. It's more than that, it's just so awful. I would be fuming and upset.

Can you stop her going until there is a better agreement? Also this other adult male in the house would worry me. Boundaries and privacy need to be topics for your family to discuss and understand.

Sorry you are going through this.

Justcashnosweets · 10/03/2023 21:44

I don't think you are overreacting, but you really need to speak to your ex about the situation. I would feel it was hugely inappropriate for your Dd to share a bed with her Dad and his new girlfriend too. However, they are doing it to make her feel safe, and that would concern me more. Why does she feel so afraid in her own room at the house?

Original poster
damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:46

Justcashnosweets · 10/03/2023 21:44

I don't think you are overreacting, but you really need to speak to your ex about the situation. I would feel it was hugely inappropriate for your Dd to share a bed with her Dad and his new girlfriend too. However, they are doing it to make her feel safe, and that would concern me more. Why does she feel so afraid in her own room at the house?

DD is afraid because of the random middle-aged man that lives down the hall. My ex lives with his mother, and she rents this guy a room.

Ex's girlfriend should go home or sleep on the couch. Not cool.

OP posts:
Justcashnosweets · 10/03/2023 21:50

Its odd that the girlfriend wouldn't just go home on the nights your daughter is with her dad. What woman would want to share a bed with her new boyfriend AND his 9 year old daughter??

Original poster
damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:52

Justcashnosweets · 10/03/2023 21:50

Its odd that the girlfriend wouldn't just go home on the nights your daughter is with her dad. What woman would want to share a bed with her new boyfriend AND his 9 year old daughter??

I would also like to know the answer to this.

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 21:53

Well she either sleeps with her dad and his gf or sleeps in her room down the hall.

If the man who lives there is actually a threat/concern to your dd she shouldn't be there in the first place. Also - sex abuse doesn't just happen at night, if you genuinely think the creepy man down the hall is going to get in her room and sexually abuse her then he's already had the ability to get to her in the daytime and you should be doing something about it.

Original poster
damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:55

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 21:53

Well she either sleeps with her dad and his gf or sleeps in her room down the hall.

If the man who lives there is actually a threat/concern to your dd she shouldn't be there in the first place. Also - sex abuse doesn't just happen at night, if you genuinely think the creepy man down the hall is going to get in her room and sexually abuse her then he's already had the ability to get to her in the daytime and you should be doing something about it.

I never said that I thought this man was a sex abuser, why are you going off on this tangent? I said there is a strange man that my daughter does not know who lives there, and it freaks her out so she prefers to sleep in her dad's room.

His girlfriend does not live with him, there is no logical reason why she needs to share a bed overnight with my daughter.

OP posts:
isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 21:56

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 21:53

Well she either sleeps with her dad and his gf or sleeps in her room down the hall.

If the man who lives there is actually a threat/concern to your dd she shouldn't be there in the first place. Also - sex abuse doesn't just happen at night, if you genuinely think the creepy man down the hall is going to get in her room and sexually abuse her then he's already had the ability to get to her in the daytime and you should be doing something about it.

This was a really grim and unnecessary post.

Original poster
damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:57

damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:55

I never said that I thought this man was a sex abuser, why are you going off on this tangent? I said there is a strange man that my daughter does not know who lives there, and it freaks her out so she prefers to sleep in her dad's room.

His girlfriend does not live with him, there is no logical reason why she needs to share a bed overnight with my daughter.

Show quote history

Ie. I have absolutely no basis to say that this man is unsafe or anything, she just doesn't like it. We have a court-ordered custody arrangement so I can't just break visitation.

OP posts:
CoedenNadoligLanOHyd · 10/03/2023 21:57

I had this issue. I asked my ex how he would feel if she was sharing with me and a man I'd just met.

I also pointed out, that teaching her that its acceptable to sleep in bed with unrelated adults was making her vulnerable to grooming.

Its completely unacceptable for her to be sleeping in the bed with them. Her dad can sleep on her bedroom floor if the girlfriend won't go home.

Comedycook · 10/03/2023 21:58

I'd be getting legal advice asap

It's very worrying that your dd is scared of the man living there. I'd be doing everything in my power to keep her away in all honesty.

Alstoybarn · 10/03/2023 21:59

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 21:53

Well she either sleeps with her dad and his gf or sleeps in her room down the hall.

If the man who lives there is actually a threat/concern to your dd she shouldn't be there in the first place. Also - sex abuse doesn't just happen at night, if you genuinely think the creepy man down the hall is going to get in her room and sexually abuse her then he's already had the ability to get to her in the daytime and you should be doing something about it.

What a bizarre reply. Do you even have children? Where did you pluck the idea that it's either sleep alone in her room or with both? The girlfriend doesn't live there she could just go home? And the other guy could well be innocent but surely you understand how for a child it could feel a little off having a stranger sleeping close by? Are you OK hun?

lunar1 · 10/03/2023 22:00

That's really grim. Why on earth would a random woman who has known your daughter for such a short time get into bed with her.

GoAgainstNicki · 10/03/2023 22:04

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 21:53

Well she either sleeps with her dad and his gf or sleeps in her room down the hall.

If the man who lives there is actually a threat/concern to your dd she shouldn't be there in the first place. Also - sex abuse doesn't just happen at night, if you genuinely think the creepy man down the hall is going to get in her room and sexually abuse her then he's already had the ability to get to her in the daytime and you should be doing something about it.

What are you even talking about?

I’m not sure what 9 year old would want to sleep in their own room when there’s a random stranger who has a room some doors down from them! I can see why she wants to stay in her dad’s room as she’s obviously familiar with him.

No one even said anything about sexual abuse, what a strange response

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 22:11

Maybe I read the thread wrong but I read it as OP was uncomfortable about a male lodger in the house because of her dd.

So to me you either think he's a threat or not.

It's not up to OP what dds dad does/sleeping arrangements. I expect the new gf will get annoyed at having 3 in a bed and dd will be back in her room shortly.

And at 9 she's perfectly capable of sleeping in her bedroom by herself.

isitanywondernow · 10/03/2023 22:13

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 22:11

Maybe I read the thread wrong but I read it as OP was uncomfortable about a male lodger in the house because of her dd.

So to me you either think he's a threat or not.

It's not up to OP what dds dad does/sleeping arrangements. I expect the new gf will get annoyed at having 3 in a bed and dd will be back in her room shortly.

And at 9 she's perfectly capable of sleeping in her bedroom by herself.

Gosh, your empathy for this frightened nine year old child knows no bounds, does it?

RiaOverTheRainbow · 10/03/2023 22:17

Would it be feasible for DD to spend the day(s) with her dad but sleep at yours? And would her dad agree to that? Presumably he'd prefer to be alone with his girlfriend, and everyone would sleep better, if that would help persuade him.

Letstaketotheskies · 10/03/2023 22:20

OriGanOver · 10/03/2023 22:11

Maybe I read the thread wrong but I read it as OP was uncomfortable about a male lodger in the house because of her dd.

So to me you either think he's a threat or not.

It's not up to OP what dds dad does/sleeping arrangements. I expect the new gf will get annoyed at having 3 in a bed and dd will be back in her room shortly.

And at 9 she's perfectly capable of sleeping in her bedroom by herself.

Of course he’s a threat.
That doesn’t mean there’s a shred of evidence that this man has previously abused a child or is likely to abuse a child in future.
But OP has no way whatsoever of knowing that. And her daughter isn’t comfortable with it.
If child abusers were easy to spot, no one would ever let there children within ten feet of them. That’s why most of us have boundaries like not allowing our kids to co-sleep with anyone who isn’t their parent and avoiding taking on male lodgers when we have children living in the house.

Comedycook · 10/03/2023 22:22

I'm pretty sure that if your dd told her teacher that she's scared of a man in the house she sleeps at to such an extent she doesn't want to sleep on her own in her room, the teacher would see this as a serious safe guarding concern.

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 22:24

I would not be comfortable with my child sleeping in a bed with an adult they have only known 2 months. What a horrible lack of boundaries. Is there no space for a pull out mattress on her dad or grandmothers floor even? That would be better than sharing a bed with her dad and a random woman. That must be quite cramped too unless they have a massive bed.

I agree maybe ask dad if he wants to just have her in the day until his housing situation is sorted or ask that he find alternative bedding for her so she doesn’t have to sleep with an unknown adult.

Original poster
damagelina · 10/03/2023 22:25

Comedycook · 10/03/2023 22:22

I'm pretty sure that if your dd told her teacher that she's scared of a man in the house she sleeps at to such an extent she doesn't want to sleep on her own in her room, the teacher would see this as a serious safe guarding concern.

You're right. However she doesn't talk about it like she's terrified of this man, just that she thinks he's weird and creepy and stays with dad instead. She loves her dad. We do not have a good relationship, things ended in large part because he has poor judgment. I think he is just being overly indulgent with her in letting her stay in his bed, and she likes it there already because the tv is there and they watch movies. I believe she could probably sleep in her room if he put his foot down about it.

But either way I still just don't like this whole situation and I really want him to get his own place, this is really ridiculous. He is irresponsible with money.

OP posts:
KnockedOverSandcastle · 10/03/2023 22:32

I'm hoping someone with better knowledge comes along but if something contact related isn't working out, I was advised to stop contact to push my ex to take it back to court where I could state what had broken down the arrangement.

I think this reason is a particularly good one to require the amendment of the court order.

twoandcooplease · 10/03/2023 23:16

How completely bizarre that this wouldn't make gd back off on these nights or maybe even get the ick

twoandcooplease · 10/03/2023 23:16

*gf

vivainsomnia · 11/03/2023 07:47

You haven't mentioned details of the event.

Firstly, was she upset having to share with the girlfriend or is it you making an issue of it?

How did it happen. Maybe your dd agreed to skeep in her bed this time then got up in the night to join dad and girlfriend was asleep.

Or whatever other possibility.

The only thing that is a matter to you is to give your dd the confidence to speak to her dad if the situation upsets her. Otherwise, none of it is your business.