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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband threatening suicide if I don't get back

52 replies

Mumfirst2 · 28/02/2023 10:41

He hasn't moved out yet in my head it's over but he's threatening suicide or to ruin my life if I don't stay and now refusing to move out. I said I would possibly give another chance if I saw real changes but he would Need to move out first (not giving false hope, just to calm it for a bit with the suicide talk) then I thought once he had moved into a new place he would slowly get better calm down. Now he thinks there's no Need to move out he can prove himself and stay here. I feel trapped

OP posts:
Ceryneianhind · 28/02/2023 10:42

He is the only one who can take his own life, thats not on you.

How is he threatening to ruin your life? and is he doing this in writing? (text, email etc)

Temporaryname158 · 28/02/2023 10:42

Is it a rental or mortgaged property and is it in both names?

this is abuse in itself to be so manipulative and I would report him to the police for it. Can you move out?

Toddlerteaplease · 28/02/2023 10:43

Do not let him blackmail you into letting him stay. You deserve happiness too. I'm sure people will be along with better advice. But stay strong and don't be bullied.

MamOfFive · 28/02/2023 10:43

Whose name is the house in?

If he kills himself that is purely on him, not you. Do not engage with that sort of behaviour. It's abusive.

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 10:43

He is manipulating you. Don’t reconsider having a relationship with him. Next time
he threatens suicide contact the police as say you are concerned about him.

Sicario · 28/02/2023 10:44

Threatening suicide is a well-documented form of coercive control. It's abusive behaviour. Emotional blackmail if you like. But legally is it called coercive control and is now recognised as a criminal act.

So not allow yourself to be bullied by him. You are allowed to end your marriage for any reason, including no reason.

Please seek advice from Women's Aid and don't hesitate to involve the police. This is domestic abuse.

Badbudgeter · 28/02/2023 10:52

You shouldn't take resposibility for his actions. If he threatens suicide inform the police. Make decisions about the house. Owned/ rented whose name is it in?

It is abusive behaviour and I would highly recommend you hold on to that sense of emotional detachment. You have made a decision and I would argue a good one. When I ended things with my abusive ex I felt a strong sense of internal calm that comes with knowing it is over.

Imagine yourself back in a relationship with him and feel that inner calm vanish to be replaced by panic and stress. You have already decided what you need to do; you just need to carry on. He is trying to reel you back which is why you are feeling trapped but only you can make the decision to go backwards.

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 10:54

Next time he leaves the house contact the police. Ask them to do a welfare check. He needs to be accountable for his threats. See a solicitor and file for divorce

ASAP.

BasiliskStare · 28/02/2023 10:54

@Mumfirst2 Over 30 years ago a partner ( not married but we owned a house together ) threatened the same thing to me - if I left him he would kill himself and set fire to the house. I was so fed up of him after other stuff I just said "well do it then " and walked out. Best thing I ever did. Clearly I did not want him to kill himself but recognised it as bullying behaviour

Look after yourself and it may not be easy for a while but don't give in to these tactics. What he does ( as others have said ) is his choice ) not yours. If you think of my situation , I could have had 30 years of this controlling behaviour - but I haven't . Life has worked out nicely.

I genuinely wish you well and just do what is best for you . There will be things to get through , but I am sure you will & you will look back on this from a happier place.

All the very best , it's a shitty situation but I genuinely wish you well
Do PM if it helps

Basilisk x

screamingj · 28/02/2023 10:57

They always say this, it's in 'the script'. Mine was the same.

potniatheron · 28/02/2023 10:57

Don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated. Suicide-baiting is a well known tactic of bullies and abusers.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 28/02/2023 11:00

This is absolutely standard behaviour from an abusive partner who senses he is losing control over you.

I would tell him to crack right on, but I'm hard as nails. Probably better advice is not to respond.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 28/02/2023 11:10

I had one who did this. I called 999 and told the police he said he was going to kill himself. Obviously, I knew he was bullshitting and told them so, but they told me it was the right thing to do. I bet he had a right shock when there were coppers banging on his door. Turns out he wasn’t trying to take his own life at all. Funnily enough he never tried that one with me again.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 28/02/2023 11:20

Get some evidence of his suicide threats (a text/email/video recording etc) and then tell his GP, social services, the police and both his and your divorce solicitors.

If you have DC, make sure he's not alone with them. If he has the potential to take his own life, he could harm them in the process, either physically or mentally.

Once you've reported it and kept the DC safe then it's the authorities problem to deal with, not yours.

Use your evidence of his suicidal inclinations to ensure all future contact with his DC is supervised.

Springchicken75 · 28/02/2023 11:22

This is blackmail pure and simple.

End the relationship once and for all, and contact his parents/ friends/ police to check up on him. Block and stay firm.

Ambertonix · 28/02/2023 11:33

My first husband did this to me numerous times and it almost broke me. You cannot live your life for fear of what another person will do. If he was really serious, he wouldnt keep threatening he would just go off and do it but chances are it is just an empty threat, part of the script. Twelve years down the line, i am re-married and he is still very much alive making other women's lives a misery by all accounts. Dont waste any more time on this man. You only get one life.

SavBlancTonight · 28/02/2023 11:35

Yup, threatening suicide is a classic control tactic. I'd give hi the phone number for the Samaritans and walk away.

WonderingWanda · 28/02/2023 11:38

This is coercive control op and he is a bully. Even if he is mental unwell and does act on his threats that is not your fault for wanting to end things. Wanting to end a relationship is an entirely reasonable and normal thing to do. The other person doesn't have to like it but they will have to accept it. He doesn't want to accept it so is attempting to force you into continuing. Be strong.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2023 11:38

Fucking let him (but not really, because it's an empty threat designed to scare and control you).

Thesharkradar · 28/02/2023 11:39

It's pure blackmail, I might be tempted to have a conversation over messaging to get him to clarify which exactly he's going to do, is he threatening me or is he threatening to hurt himself, draw him out so he shoots himself in the foot in case you need evidence to go to the police etc.
Or pass his threats straight to the police/whichever authority is relevant 🤷
Obviously this is no basis for a marriage ....do I say or I'll hurt you/kill myself, what a fucking prick

VioletaDelValle · 28/02/2023 11:43

Total manipulation. It's a well known tactic.
However, be careful he doesn't try to hurt you or any children if you have them.
Report and tell as many people as you can.

Thesharkradar · 28/02/2023 11:46

Threatening to hurt you and himself... He's revealing a lot about his mindset imo and I think he could be going into 'family destroyer' territory.
I think this should be taken seriously, although not in the way HE wants to be taken seriously.
If you handle this right you can make it backfire on him BIG TIME

LakeTiticaca · 28/02/2023 11:49

Those who threaten suicide as a means of manipulation rarely carry it out. And if he does do it its not your fault. Why would you want to be with someone who is threatening to ruin your life?

junebirthdaygirl · 28/02/2023 11:50

One woman told me after a few threats she said...just make sure the dc are not the ones to find you. He is still alive and kicking after at least 10 years. But not with her.
Good advice to involve the police. He is panicking and going all out to stop your plans but he will be fine.

2bazookas · 28/02/2023 11:51

That's called coercive control. Let him get away with it, and he'll just tighten the hold he has on you. (Why would he change? No need, you caved in).

Tell him, if he's going to kill himself the sooner the better, that will solve all your problems.

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