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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband threatening suicide if I don't get back

52 replies

Mumfirst2 · 28/02/2023 10:41

He hasn't moved out yet in my head it's over but he's threatening suicide or to ruin my life if I don't stay and now refusing to move out. I said I would possibly give another chance if I saw real changes but he would Need to move out first (not giving false hope, just to calm it for a bit with the suicide talk) then I thought once he had moved into a new place he would slowly get better calm down. Now he thinks there's no Need to move out he can prove himself and stay here. I feel trapped

OP posts:

mauvish · 28/02/2023 11:55

I agree with everyone else - this is pure manipulation and it's very unlikely that he will attempt suicide.

BUT I would counter a note of caution - has he ever shown any violent tendencies, towards himself or others? I don't think for one moment that you should back down and give in to this threat, but I do think that if he's ever shown himself to be violent, or to have unstable impulsive tendencies, that you don't put yourself at risk by refusing to play his game.

He needs to leave, and you (and of course any children) need to be safe.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/02/2023 11:56

It’s on him if he does that. Not you.

Thesharkradar · 28/02/2023 11:56

2bazookas · 28/02/2023 11:51

That's called coercive control. Let him get away with it, and he'll just tighten the hold he has on you. (Why would he change? No need, you caved in).

Tell him, if he's going to kill himself the sooner the better, that will solve all your problems.

He deserves to be told that but even so I wouldn't do it because he will may it against you to make you look bad, don't put a foot wrong, don't say anything nasty back, keep to the moral high ground
Report him to the relevant authorities because you are concerned about his irrational and threatening behaviour.
Pretend to take it seriously, but do not respond in the way he wants you to respond.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/02/2023 11:58

I mean his parameters are quite wide, suicide and ruining your life are at opposite ends of a very wide spectrum here.

oakleaffy · 28/02/2023 12:02

Threatening suicide is so awfully manipulative.

It is a very low trick to get you to acquiesce to his demands.

You cannot stay with someone who acts like this, it is completely unfair.

BellePeppa · 28/02/2023 12:02

God if someone threatened me like that it would make me even more sure I wanted to end it. Please don’t get suckered back into staying with him. And definitely don’t feel any guilt or worry that he would kill himself as a threat to you. If he does, well that was his decision and if he doesn’t, he’ll just use it again next time (saying ‘I really mean it this time’ etc).

cappuccinocuppa · 28/02/2023 12:04

Just call an ambulance for him next time and say you know he's in the best hands now. No one can stay with someone for this. It's not fair on anyone.

ClawedButler · 28/02/2023 12:04

Echo what others have said. Speaking as someone who has attempted suicide (more than once), the last thing you would do if feeling like this is tell anyone about it, because you don't want anyone to try to stop you.

Record, any way you can, his threats of suicide. You can then provide this as evidence of:

potential risk to himself to the police if you call them for a welfare check

-coercive control if you call the police to protect yourself -unsafe state of mind if you later face legal issues (child custody, divorce, restraining order)

GoldDuster · 28/02/2023 12:06

This is a fork in the road, you need to pick which way you're going. If you let his suicide threats change your decision, you're rewarding them and he will use it as a tactic over and again.

This is nothing to do with you. It's entirely on him. You are allowed to end the relationship, it doesn't need to be for a reason he agrees with, or allows. It's not a legal requirement for you to tell him why and get his permission to leave him.

I'm not sure what your housing situation is, but get some advice specific to that and find a way to move forward without him. It won't get better if you stay OP, it will get worse.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 12:10

Are you in a position to leave?

Xol · 28/02/2023 12:19

This is a threat that is made all too often to try to keep women compliant, but I suspect in the vast majority of cases the person making the threats has absolutely no intention of carrying them through. As people have said, if your husband really intended to commit suicide he wouldn't tell you in case you stopped him.

For what it's worth my sister had this threat regularly from her partner - he even went to the extent of going to hospital because he said he'd taken an overdose. He had taken pills, but nowhere near overdose levels. She ultimately told the plunge and left. This was several years ago, and her ex is still very much alive.

Thesharkradar · 28/02/2023 12:23

-coercive control if you call the police to protect yourself
-unsafe state of mind if you later face legal issues (child custody, divorce, restraining order)

Good point, if it was me I think I might try to draw him out a bit, he is clearly an unstable and problematic person with the potential to be a thorn in your side if you let him, gather everything you can so that you can make a case against him in the future and shut him down permanently.

Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 12:26

Not sure if you have dc together op but you do need it on record his mh isn't great. If he is unstable you can have made sure he seeks help before unsupervised contact. Build a case op. Start now.

MisschiefMaker · 28/02/2023 12:27

At least ask him to take out a decent life insurance policy first!

Greenfairydust · 28/02/2023 12:32

Cut all contact and move on.

He is just being manipulative.

What he does with his life and himself in general is no longer your concern.

Original poster

Mumfirst2 · 28/02/2023 13:54

We do have 2 children thats obviously why I wouldn't want him to do it. The house is in my name so it's him who has to leave. I just dont want to be the one to tell my children it's happened (probably empty threats but no one can guarantee that). I just feel so helpless.

OP posts:

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 13:55

MisschiefMaker · 28/02/2023 12:27

At least ask him to take out a decent life insurance policy first!

Life insurance companies don't cover suicide - although I know your comment was tongue in cheek

countrygirl99 · 28/02/2023 13:55

I'd ask him to let me know what sort of funeral he wants.

Brefugee · 28/02/2023 13:59

Oh OP it's so difficult. Tell the police. Start divorce proceedings (UK has no fault now, right?) and leave it at that. Keep telling him he has to go.
If you have to tell your children he killed himself will be hard, but if it comes to that (it won't) then you will get through it.

Make sure that outside agencies have a record of you asking him to leave, and his threat. Keep reporting it to the police every time. Good luck.

(tbh i am an absolute fucker and I'd be asking him what kind of burial he wants, if he's an organ donor, and reminding him not to do it when the kids might find him)

Original poster

Mumfirst2 · 28/02/2023 14:03

At first he was quite happy to go and I was feeling excited about my life with no stress then all of a sudden he's been going for 'drives' and texting me cryptic messages which are basically hinting at suicide and he told me to my face have you ever thought about suicide coz I have. Then when I said I won't allow you to black mail me he says he's not. I'm going round in circles and I'm so stressed and feel sick everyday

OP posts:

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 14:16

Tell him he needs to be gone tonight. Don't let him stay any longer.

Nottodayplease36 · 28/02/2023 14:26

My ex narcissist used to do this and had me living on my nerves for about 3 years. A CPN once said to me, if someone wants to take their own life, nobody will stop them and no person or situation will make them do it either. Very true.

Idkrealorfake · 28/02/2023 14:34

Awful manipulation. He will deny the blackmail but that's what it is. He's not going to actually do it, men in this situation never do. He just saw you happy and full of hope for the future and didn't like it.

Stick to your guns and make him leave. Your kids will thank you for it in the end.

Minikievs · 28/02/2023 14:39

My ExH threatened suicide multiple times when I left. Sent photos of belts hanging from the banisters. Photos of bottles of weed killer he was going to drink. Got himself sectioned. It was all attempted emotional blackmail. In the end, I started to wish he'd just get on with it and do it.
Of course, he didn't. It was all just attempted manipulation.
You are not responsible for his mental health.
In my experience, the more they tell you, the less likely they are to do it.
Can you leave? Rather than being dependant on him leaving?

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 28/02/2023 14:52

He's messing with your head. Deliberately. You are not responsible for him and his actions. You need to set your boundaries and then leave him to deal with it however he chooses. Chances are it's all just coercive threats but if not, that's his choice.

So many of us have heard this nonsense and all those manipulative fuckwits are still around, tormenting someone new.

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