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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Do we give the children say when u want ur nee partner over

26 replies

Loz198 · 20/02/2023 18:07

Hi
I'm in the process of getting divorced, should be done start of April.
My son is 13 and has met me new partner which he doesn't have any problems with however he hasn't stayed over yet ,so do I just let him stay over or do I ask my son and ho with his decision.
I want to allow him his say but does there come a point when u say he's stating.

I appreciate any advise

Thank you

OP posts:

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 20/02/2023 18:14

Get your hard hat on OP

Personally - I'd sit my son down and say can we have a chat
Tell him your boyfriend would like to start spending more time with you both, including staying over - which would affect eating , bathing , sleeping and privacy arrangements
Would he like to talk about that , is he comfortable and how does he feel ?

If he's comfortable he shouldn't have any issue with it and if he's not hopefully he'll tell you , then you may have to think again

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 18:22

How long ago did you leave your husband, and how long ago did you meet your new boyfriend?

HaggisBurger · 20/02/2023 18:24

No. Kids don’t make those decisions but I’d only have him stay over when your child is at his dads for as long as possible. Maybe after about 6 months of him being used to him I’d say something like - oh Bob will probably stay here this evening.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 20/02/2023 18:28

I took my dcs opinions into account.

Ohwonderful · 20/02/2023 18:30

I would only ask if I was prepared to accept if it was no.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2023 18:34

No.
Was he given an input into the decision to divorce?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 20/02/2023 18:38

Your son is 13. In 3 years it will be legal for him to have sex. What will you say to him if he’s got a girlfriend he’s been seeing for a while and he wants her to stay over?
How long would you want his dad to wait before having someone stay over with your son?
Every case is different. Just behave in a way that you would feel comfortable with if you were being asked the same question.

Bigmummaof2 · 20/02/2023 18:42

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 18:22

How long ago did you leave your husband, and how long ago did you meet your new boyfriend?

Is this relevant?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 18:45

Bigmummaof2 · 20/02/2023 18:42

Is this relevant?

Show quote history

I should hope so. If the break-up of his parent's marriage is fairly recent, her son may be struggling to adjust. He may barely know this new boyfriend. Of course the details matter.

DogHairDontCare · 20/02/2023 18:47

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 18:45

I should hope so. If the break-up of his parent's marriage is fairly recent, her son may be struggling to adjust. He may barely know this new boyfriend. Of course the details matter.

Show quote history

This.

Seriously do some people really think it would be ok to have a new partner of a couple of months stay over when you have a child? Or if you’ve only just split from the child’s dad? 🙄

anxiouspeabrain · 20/02/2023 18:50

Hard agree with the last couple of posts.

And if the son isn't happy with having a (relative) stranger staying in his home, his safe space, then this needs paying attention to.

Catoneverychair · 20/02/2023 18:55

You're not even divorced yet, OP. Why the rush?

lunar1 · 20/02/2023 18:56

I'd focus on getting divorced first!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 18:58

Seriously do some people really think it would be ok to have a new partner of a couple of months stay over when you have a child? Or if you’ve only just split from the child’s dad? 🙄

Yes, they really do because they are far more concerned about shagging their new boyfriend than the wellbeing of their child.

gogohmm · 20/02/2023 19:02

My kids were older, young adults, they knew I was dating all along, dd wrote my profile, they saw dps pic on the dating website before I even met him, no need for secrecy. When I wanted him to visit I told them he was coming and they had a choice, meet him or go to their dads, they met him (nosy pair) then used my mum guilt to get money to go out to the pub.

All was good, they chose to move down here with me

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2023 19:07

I think a good parent wouldn't rush in to a new relationship, when kids are involved. Wouldn't rush in to the new partner staying over, or moving in.
If that's the case, I don't think that a 13 year old has the emotional maturity to have an opinion on decisions that adults should be making.
Not every woman is so desperate for a shag that she'd put a man before her kids.
Most take responsibility for their kids and parent them as opposed to pander to them.

WaddleAway · 20/02/2023 19:08

Bigmummaof2 · 20/02/2023 18:42

Is this relevant?

Show quote history

Of course it is. If she split with her husband 8 weeks ago and met her new partner 4 weeks ago for example, it’s absolutely not suitable to be having new partners over to stay overnight while her child is in the house.

Emmamoo89 · 20/02/2023 19:09

Wait at least 6 months

Northernlurker · 20/02/2023 19:15

Your child doesn't get a say but you should put their needs first. They need a stable home for the next few years. By all means include your new partner in some events but your child doesn't need a new person staying over.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2023 19:15

Can the partner stay over when DS is at his dad's?

Nightynightnight · 20/02/2023 19:58

I just think about how I would feel with a complete stranger in my home. I wouldn't be able to fully relax. It's no different for kids. And it's their home too. This isn't about giving decision making powers to children, it's about respecting their privacy and their safe spaces.

MrsRosieBrew · 20/02/2023 20:02

I think of you need to ask then it isn’t time yet. Your ds and new partner need to be introduced to each other slowly and it should all just feel like a natural progression.

Oigetoffmylawn · 20/02/2023 20:09

Catoneverychair · 20/02/2023 18:55

You're not even divorced yet, OP. Why the rush?

My parents didn't divorce for almost 10 years after they separated!

Singleandproud · 20/02/2023 20:18

At 13 your son is in the middle of what is often the most challenging part of puberty, his parents have divorced, his whole way of life is changing and he'll be getting used to making new relationships with you and his dad. It's an incredibly difficult time for teen and parent relationships at the best of times. I would not be doing anything to make it worse.

If you want your boyfriend to stay over he should do it when DS is at his dad's or staying at a friend's to limit the impact on him. Once DS is a little older, used to his new arrangements and your relationship has had chance to develop then I might consider letting the bf stay over.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 20/02/2023 20:24

Oigetoffmylawn · 20/02/2023 20:09

My parents didn't divorce for almost 10 years after they separated!

Show quote history

Yes quite.

My parents divorced when I was 13/14 having been separated for 6/7 years. Their divorce made quite literally no difference to my life. And meeting my mums boyfriend, who is now my step dad, was absolutely fine.

Of course if OP and her STBEH only split 6 months ago and the new boyfriend has only been on the scene for a few months then that's different.

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